Hi I'm Brandon Shane the creator of web comic "The Monster Under the Bed" and I would like some feedback on my comic.
Here is my website which hosts all of the other pages:http://themonsterunderthebed.net/?comic=test-post
Artwise I really enjoy the designs of the characters although I gotta say the main protagonist looks like a Kingdom Hearts cosplayer on his day off.
The story is enjoyable but isn't breaking any molds, its too clear that Shade or Shadow or whatever is into the protagonist and i'd like to see it mixed up a bit. A bit more drama or conflict between the two, not just in the past but in the present.
Adult content-wise... I understand why there isnt a lot of sexual content between the protag and shade when its 10 years earlier in the storyline.
But never the less I keep watching for updates every week because I like cute monster girls and I hope for a half decent story to emerge.
Heres hoping you dont disappoint me with the last part.
You wouldn't happen to be the guy who did date night flash game right ?
Also you're good at drawing and maintaining a cartoonish style with decent proportions but fo real it needs more sex than narrative. Gotta see that mommy get the dick as well.
I'm a sucker for world-building, so yeah, i'd like to see more details about the world under dat bed. Y'know besides the lint, dust and porn magazines.
Fuck i'm old, does anyone actually have hardcopy porn mags these days?????
I like your writing and character designs, it's a really cute comic. But like >>97648 mentioned already, for a porn comic there just isn't enough porn.
I mean even if you want to expand on the relationship between your main characters more before you jump to the fucking, at least throw your readers a bone one in a while. Show the mom and dad characters fucking or something. If you don't have a sex scene in every chapter, it's not really a porn comic.
Which is perfectly ok, if you're not making a porn comic. But in that case, you'll want to make that clear to your readers and not post it on porn boards.
Yeah its a PG-13 story so far, though it all depends on the audience that the guy wants to attract and the webhosts/backers/legalities associated with hosting his content.
It might also just be artistic preference that the guy doesn't want to show hardcore penetration or pander to weird fetishists.
some thoughts: this has insane romeo&juliet potential, forbidden love, you could twist the plot to insane dimensions from this lull of things going good at first. anyway it is your comic, do as you like
I'm liking your comic. It's an interesting premise plus nice art and fun characters. It gets a B+ on my first read. There are some unsatisfying things though:
- I like the character designs, but 19 year old Tim and Shadow's faces look too much like 10 year old T.&S.'s. It skeeves me out in a pedo-like way when they get frisky.
- Keeping it 14A (sorta like PG13 in the USofA) is fine with me, but putting the emphasis on the 10 year old versions of the characters limits the naughty possibilities. I don't need hardcore porn, but I was expecting something more. I'm REALLY liking Tim's growing awareness of Shadow and how their relationship is evolving, but there was an implied promise of more nautical scenes which CAN'T be done with T&S age 10.
- Tim still has up the same movie poster after nine years? Really?
Again - pretty great comic. I'll keep reading, even with less, more or the same amount of sexy bits.
you could jump back and forth between the present time and the flashback so you can add sex scenes, and make sure they're explicit.
also, add some sex scenes with the parents while you're at it.
I read it and saved it. Looks great and cute. Though admittedly i agree with the other guys and gals here on a few things.
First thing first if your going for the slightly naughty angle coming to the porn board is a weird choice. If its gonna evolve into a porn comic you do have to throw a bone(r) out there every now and then. Even a quick heavy make out session when they wake up in bed before she goes would be ideal. Not full hardcore but some groping or whatever to wet the appetite a bit would do. Though i have to say i love how you draw breast big and with mass. Dont think i havent noticed you slipping them into the background. But you need more then that.
Secondly i agree with above me were someone said the name shadow seems kike a cop out. And midnight too. Now a page or panel when she gives her full name being some long unpronounceable thing with something sounding like shadow in the middle and them agreeing to nickname her that or acknowledging its like the demon version of steve and chris would be ok. I mean i played softball with 7 steves.
Lastly i would say try to update a little more then once a week. Twice would do just fine. I know this part is dependent on your time, skill, and speed. But ive read several comics over the years ive dropped just because the update schedule wasnt fast enough to hold an interest. Great comics are only great if the next page comes out while people still care about what happened. Im just saying a wensday update also would be a good idea. If thats a little to much you could alternate wensdays between more adult teasers and actual pages. Which could solve the lack of adult stuff early on
Just my thoughts and best of luck
Great writing. Weird parent roleplay was fantastic and if you were to do a porn comic based off just that it would be awesome.
That said, it's weird to get a comic with boobs that also involves 9 year olds. It's kind of creepy and the setup for any sexy fun times is taking way too long if that's what you're going for.
It's pretty cute. I like it. Nice art style & design, love the mood, and the premise is unusual enough to be virtually unique.
Bookmarked & will be checking in regularly. I follow a bunch of webcomics and you just made the basic cut to be on my regular visiting list.
Keep the storyline clever and don't over-simplify it. Some webcomics are trying too hard to appeal to everyone, and they end up appealing only to people who aren't very bright. Don't fear making your readers have to think a bit to put some pieces together. This sort of story is clearly directed toward a more adult audience, so you have the challenge to keep it engaging for people who have very broad experience with a lot of fantasy & sci fi that's pretty complex and deep.
I like that it's sexy & spicy.
Overall I'd say you're well on your way to making a damned decent webcomic, and I mean that it already is, but the potential for this to become something special is clearly there. I look forward to following it.
Some of the comments here have been along the lines that it needs more sex and it should be more graphic. If it goes on that direction, don't go too far that way (too fast). I feel you've got a great balance between story, character development & sexy.
And, /aco/ is NOT a "porn board.
It's an ADULT comic board. Adult engagement of story & mature content does NOT equal porn. Don't let the underage retards around here try to fool you with that bullshit. The best threads here are good stories that have sexy in them, even graphic, and not necessarily porn.
I want to date Midnight. She looks deliciously tsundere.
Want to see more (naked) monster girls, like in that last panel of #48 "Pushing Her Buttons."
It took you like 6 months to get through them talking to each other in their bedroom for one story night. You need to trim that shit down. Also, don't skimp on the nudity. Seriously, there may as well be tits and ass in every page, you know that's what people are reading it for anyway.
You can tell that the OP is not really me, because the real me (Me!) actually responds to questions and has answers.
I commend you though OP for trying to drum up some sort of response!
As far as pacing is concerned, in the end it'll all flow much nicer when it's all said and done doing it my way, despite it taking so long now to move through some scenes.
And my comic isn't primarily a sex comic to begin with, so calls of 'More sex!' are rather pointless. It is a story that just happens to have a sexual element in it's characters lives, like in most relationships.
Well, thank you!
It's not like there won't be more sex coming up, in fact, I absolutely guarantee that there is more coming up. Just don't expect it every page.
Heck, we haven't even met half the cast yet. Plot's just beginning. XD
It's cute. You got yourself another reader. But it's too short so far to see where it goes, so I can't comment on that any more than that it has some premise.
Like the others mentioned, I don't like how the kid is a bug-eyed anime freak. So perhaps the proportions should be toned a bit. On the other hand, the same thing does not bother me for the girl.
>And my comic isn't primarily a sex comic to begin with, so calls of 'More sex!' are rather pointless. It is a story that just happens to have a sexual element in it's characters lives, like in most relationships.
If you keep showing sex scenes so often, you'll eventually reach a phase where NOT showing any of them will be considered a huge tease. And it'll piss people off. (and just not showing any sex scenes after how the comic starts, that would piss people off too)
Basically you'll have to show people what they expect, to keep them interested enough to stay on board while you show them whatever else you want to show them with the story.
There's also the fact to consider that the story starts with a 18 year old guy sleeping with her girlfriend casually, and then goes back to how they first met each other. So it is safe to assume that they have been having sex for a while, and that means that they might have done it when they were still both underage. I think this is what a lot of guys will expect, since the awkward young sex can be so beautiful.
However this is something that might be impossible for you to show in a public comic like that.
Maybe do the same thing what the guys at blaster nation did? Run a tumblr or a slipshine that shows the more explicit content, even if for just pinups and not a full chapter of a scene?
also the lack of mobile stylesheet makes my autism tingling, but that's just because it's what I do for a living. And because I can't view the page with the browser locked to the side of the screen (so at half-width on a 1080p monitor).
I really liked the movie Little Monsters and I was writing fanfictions about it. Most of the comic is based on these fanfictions. I made the main monster female since I wanted to create a comic about love, growing up and sex. There is also going to be some part about deciding in which world they are going to live. But shadow won't try to trick Tim like the monster in Little Monsters tried.
Read through the archive, it's alright but starting them off at 8 is way too young and the fact that it's only been like one day in the flashbacks suggests to me that this will ultimately never be concluded. Should have started them off at like 12-13 so right at the onset of puberty and then had a brisker pace.
I'd say use timeskips much more liberally and keep the actual relationship itself pretty vanilla.
That's nice, but now the readers will expect to see how they end get together so intimately.
And you can't even retcon their ages, 12-13 might work for their appearances, but a kid believing in monsters under the bed at that age would be odd.
Still, it's only ~50 pages in so far, the story is barely starting, so there'll be time to show them popping each others cherry in their mid-teens.
Hey! I am glad to see a post about the comic here, with a chance to talk about it. I use h-foundry to find your updates!
So, my 2 cents as a writer/story focused person. This is going to be more critique without the 'OH ITS SO GOOD' parts, so I hope you'll understand I do like your comic and its potential.
1) First and foremost, pages like #8, #28, and #44 aren’t useful. Its clear even from your format that its MEANT to be expositional, but, why? #8, without the text bubbles, still tells us everything your dialog did. Words should be expensive. Conversation and dialog between characters should cost a lot of your writing-dollars, so that they have meaning. #44 seems like your in a rush to make clear all these feelings he has, rather then dwelling on them or exploring them. Basically, this page makes me feel like you don’t care about anything written on the page. It MIGHT be important, but, its all just handed to the reader, rather then experienced by them. The art itself can reflect his discomfort. His withdrawing physically. The words can express pauses, or, his time spent thinking about his words. Him avoiding subjects with her.
2) Why should I like your protagonists? Tim is bland as milk toast with a lot of decisions he makes being perfect in the situation. He could use some opinions. He could use some unique observations. He could use some friends who help flesh out what sort of person he is around other people, and, most of all, he could use challenges and goals. Personal wars with how he is. Is his relationship with Shadow something consuming? Is it causing problems with his normal life? At a young age, it can be super easy to lose focus on things surrounding him. I mean, you’ve shown he turns into Mr. Hunky in the future, but, this actually REMOVED conflict. Its fine to have done so, but, your comic still needs some MEAT. Shadow seems like she might be developing some MEAT, and I could go into these two a lot more if wanted.
3) Sex – Everyone talks about it, but I’ve got a unique take here. I get that you want sex to be an occasional thing, or, its meant to make your comic have aspects of adult to it. That you aren’t afraid of dealing with such a subject. Totally fine! But, as a reader, I crave exploration. I don’t need you to draw sex happening, BUT, your comic is about Shadow and Tim so far. Its about a monster and a human. If ‘sex just happens’ like we see in the future, it will ignore the fundamental and interesting differences. As a reader, I want to see what Tim sees is different about Shadow. Does he touch those spots on her shoulders? Does he touch her claws? Her hair? Her tail? Is she scaled? If you can explore the fundamental differences that we might find aesthetically pleasing, you can also include problems. Things that humanize them. Does Tim’s sudden explosive contact with a girl – and a monster – change how he views contact with his friends? Does he find himself trying to see how his own skin feels? His friends? Does he notice that her hair is different from humans? VISA VERSA, it seems Shadow is so emotionally in tune with Tim versus physically.
4) The latest bit about Shadow and Midnight… Did Shadow not believe Midnight would react like that? Maybe a sentence or two of ‘She will act so surprised and be so interested!’ leads to the shock and confusion when she didn’t actually understand Midnight. The impact of these pages seems really dampened, and, I feel like you want them to have more OOMPH. But, we don’t really have stakes here and the reactions of shoving a cookie in her mouth, tickle her, etc, don’t seem in tune with the severity.
Anyway, I’d be happy to write more and talk point by point on my personal thoughts here, and, I suspect you’ve got many different angles for your comic. Some of these you might feel are useless, others might
Any posts by "Brandon Shane” are not actually the creator of this comic, I can tell easily because, well... that's me.
Also, I've said multiple times that my comic was not based on Little Monsters, nor any other monster themed movies. Nor have I written any fan fictions based around that movie.
Nice try though. ;-)
Excellent points you bring up and I am reading and listening. Although I do have my reasons for certain choices.
1) I need a bit of exposition such as this, because I don't have a lot of time to properly dwell upon it. There is going to be a fairly substantial time skip coming up at the end of the chapter and they will no longer be children.
Not to say there isn't time to explore some more things before that time. I've got plans in motion, of course.
2) We'll be getting more into the characters soon, keep in mind it's been only 5 days now in the timeline.
Just so everyone knows, any posts by "Brandon Shane" and "The Real Brandon Shane" aren't actually the creator of "The Monster under the Bed" because it is I, Brandon Shane who made this comic.
3) Sex and exploration will have it's time, but that time isn't when they are kids. In fact, I'm dedicating a whole chapter to developing this sort of growth.
4) Shadow knew for certain she would react that way, that's why the blanket cover attack. This'll be explored soon.
XP Silly guys, Im the real Brandon Shane. Here is pic to prove. 4chan exclusive Oc
Of course! I'd be super worried if you didn't have reasons. These were more like, guiding thoughts from me. Everyone will have specific points they'll want covered and things they'll look for. I meant that the take on sex was more benign then just sex. Physicality seems like it would be most important with a monster!
Now, some fun stuff you probably didn't consider-
You know how you showed that chapter of a really strong Tim with Shadow? A potential reading of that future if you try to focus on what sort of psychological impact finding out magic was real would have on someone is that Tim is overcompensating in his efforts to impress and 'fit' Shadow. A poster from when he first met her, a body fit for her, etc. Even just one sentence, one odd word, might punctuate that entire scene as showing how afraid Tim is that Shadow might simply disconnect from Tim! Just some more advanced reading of how a 'perfect' future might now be so...
Now, point 4, I figured. I actually meant that it would be good to 'see' that foreshadowed, partly, and, to create ideas for alternative paths. Shadow misreading her sister could be the first step on a long list of concerns.
Lastly, a quick synopsis. This chapter has introduced Midnight, Shadow's sister. Its introduced a passage of time during which Tim and Shadow MAY have continued to meet? Midnight has agreed to maintain the status quo + her. MY prediction is that there is too much more to introduce for this to have a lot of weight on your story just yet. I hope you'll take a leaf out of Gunnerkrigg Court's book and take your time.
I made a quick edit to my latest pages blurb to prove I'm for real, of course you've nailed me with the 'XD' thing as well.
I don't normally post on 4chan ever anyway.
Oh, and, its shown that Shadow has unique interests for her age* I guess this needs to be added to. Cliche! I hope you play with this idea more so it loses the feeling of lego-characters. 'Two quirky* (Normal +) people, connected by fascination with each others worlds' is as old as time itself.
You're submitting to the wrong guy OC. I'm the real artist.... and yes now there is two people using 'Real' now. Yay.
I appreciate what you were trying to do by spreading the word! No worries. ;-)
Also who the heck is Ian Brandon Anderson, or Christian Weston Chandler for that matter?
>I made a quick edit to my latest pages blurb to prove I'm for real, of course you've nailed me with the 'XD' thing as well.
Just shows who actually reads the posts here.
Use a tripcode. It's something like a hash or an exclamation mark (I forgot which) followed by a password/phrase, that you post after your name. I forgot the exact syntax, look up the 4chan faq page.
The phrase you enter after whatever-is-the-correct-tag will show up after your name in an encoded form that people can then use to identify you.
He is a high functioning autistic male who is internet famous.He is the sole creator of the electric hedgehog pokemon Sonichu and Rosechu. I think you should read his comic to improve your comic. Christian Weston Chandler had a troll that impersonated him and Christian found out that the name of the troll is Ian Brandon Anderson.
I completely lost track of which one of you is the real comic creator at this point.
Post more lewds.
I'll be taking my time, yeah. Chapter 2 is going to be a long one, so there's time yet to explore a bit.
Yes, there is a lot to introduce still, and this Midnight arc is just the first bump, but with her inevitably accepting the status quo (for now) it's opening the door to explore a lot more.
So far, I like your way of having a monster girl love story with kinky sex elements into it. Based on the current page, I assume you're gonna put some challenging conflict for the main characters? That's fine.
But you better not put disappointing ntr in there.
Well, he won't be putting anything in there... but I will! ;-)
Yes, there'll be a conflict coming, and no, there won't be any sort of NTR crap clogging things up.
yo mr brandon guy. I enjoyed your comic by the way, it's like my own youth. But y'know what? I'm more interested in that hot bombshell of a wife the kid's dad gets to have. I want to see more of her if y'know what I mean.
But hey, whateva floats yer boat man, good job, keep up the pace and don't screw this up.
But I really wish I could get more of that wife, she could get aboard my ship if y'know what I mean..YEAH!