I've never felt the need to post here, but I want some older anon's advice on this.
My background (my life story):
I'm 18 years old and well, for my entire life I've been fairly happy, though I've been by myself. My parents were always busy and I have no siblings, so I used to entertain myself with vidya and tv a lot. I've always been a straight A student. As a kid I played lots of soccer and cricket, I eased up on it when I turned 10 or so, but I still always made time for physical activity. As a kid I always used to eat a lot, so I was fat.
Starting secondary school was more or less okay, but I went from being extremely talkative to being extremely introvert. This really hit me when I tore my ACL at 14. I didn't treat it properly so now even today I can't run without pain. Physical activity was out for sometime.
Now because of that, I started becoming very socially anxious. I never ever went out and I ended just staying home doing nothing with my life. I still did well in exams in school, but today I realise it wasn't worth it. While everyone was going out having a wonderful time, guys meeting girls etc, I was at home. Now I should note in my country there are more same-sex schools, so I've never broken out of my comfort zone to talk to girls and stuff.
I know my parents limited me a lot but I can't really blame them, in the end it was my fault, I didn't swing the bat.
Anyways, at 16/17 I started talking a lot to this girl, to the point I liked her and ended up changing myself (losing my weight, becoming more sociable with people etc) just so she (and by virtue lots of people) could like me, and I can finally break out of my shell. Sadly that ended up badly and now about a year or so later I'm back to eating shit, no exercise and being twice as socially anxious as before.
I'm in my last year of secondary school now (upper six), and I barely attend school.
In lower six I barely attended school nor extra lessons, but I still managed to get all grade 1's. I convinced myself that I'm happy but I'm not. I'm really bored with my life. I have no idea what to do, but I know what I DON'T want to do. I feel as if I should go out and be able to meet new people, but I should be attending school and doing well in my exams, getting into uni and getting a good job, wife, child, retirement and all that jazz. But honestly I really don't want to do that ! They say happiness is doing whatever you want but the thing is I don't WANT to do these things ! I really didn't wana seek help with this because I'm pretty sure I'm just being a little bitch, but that's just it. Now I'm at this point in my life where I'm sure I'll progress but idk in what direction. And I'm extremely certain I'm going to end up alone with this anxiety I have. I've drifted away from all my friends, albeit 2 or 3 still talk to me, but now they're all having their lives and I just..
I just don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I'm bored, lazy or just fucking stupid, but I'm just feddup of everything. What's wrong with me ? What should I do ? What about my future? What should I do about that ?
Everyone's terrible and will leave you.
You just have to whip your nuts out and tell em all to go fuck themselves.
I was dumped around your age after a long relationship. Fucking hurt. Didn't do shit became an alcoholic pothead.
Started blaming everyone else for my social anxiety. My parent fucked me over on raising me, man, but fuck them. I have such bad anxiety that I've been seeing a doctor for it almost 10 years now. Fuck it.
My girlfriend if 2 years broke up with me last night.
Does it suck? Yes.
Am I anxious as fuck? Yes.
But look at the bright side.
You have so much soul searching to do.
Go meet a chick. Smoke some pot.
Whatever. Fuck it. I don't care.
The point is. The world eats you.
Or you eat it. And i'ma bout to take a huge bite.
You make the assumption that going out and getting girls would have made you happier than you are now, you don't know this, so your regrets aren't rational.
What are your interests? If you don't know, experiment with more things until you find what right. if you already know, find a job that incorporates those interests. But interests I don't just mean hobbies, I mean creative drive, how intellectual you are, whether you prefer group work or individual pursuits, etc.
Learn to like yourself more. Contentment is something found in the self, not externally.
Sometimes I become really numb and forget about my problems. No really, I really become this incognizant and feel better about things, not caring about anyone or anything.
Then I see my friends, past friends, past loves having such a great time, meeting new people, and I always take two steps back.
Then I resort to blaming myself because, well, the world doesn't owe me anything.
As a side note, I wish you well compadre, I hope you can be able to move on and enjoy your life.
disregard higschool. Everyone all but drops out in the last year, dont cut contact with your friends. Most people regret loosing their highschool friends, stop freaking out you are only 18, college is important. Marriage shouldnt be in your mind for the next ten years, nor should you worry about your future career. Take things easy you are out of highschool, that took forever to be done with you should be enjoying yourself
I agree with you, that's one factor that contributes to me feeling this way.
As for finding a job that matches my interest, I'll never be able to do that. I live in a third world country and my parents are very poor. I'd need a one a million chance, some luck, connections and the same drive those who were once in my situation to make that a reality.
I've spoken to my Physics teacher about this in brief. He told me things would look up for me in university because that's where you're in the zone between teenager and adult, so you make mistakes there and ready yourself for responsibility. Now here I am staying home doing nothing and disappointing him, amongst other things
Small island in the Caribbean named Trinidad. Fairly nice country, the country annexed to us (Tobago) has some wonderful beaches.
Thanks for the tip, I've read a lot that Dream Job<>Happiness so I can agree, but I don't know if that's the pivotal problem for me.
In a perfect world I'll marry a rich person and have them pay everything for me, lel.
I don't consider myself depressed at all tbh. I've been fairly okay with myself.
I considered weed as one method to alleviate my stress but, I really dislike the idea of becoming dependent on a drug.
And really, I know there are people who are worse off than me in life, so I always tried to be content, but I was really fooling myself now that I think about it.
>As for finding a job that matches my interest, I'll never be able to do that. I live in a third world country
Well, I'm British, I live in one of the richest western countries in the world and not to sound unsympathetic to your situation (lol check my privilege) but being a white European hasn't enabled me to get a job doing exactly what I please. I have more opportunities than you, but life is about compromises for everyone to a degree.
I don't know how poor or third world your country is but I imagine there's at least some degree of choice for you. Find out what choices are available, and make plans.
You need to realize that just because there are people who existing life who are worse off than you are, that is no excuse for you to neglect your emotional needs.
I believe you were very depressed, despite what you think. I don't think at the age of 18 I would've been able to self diagnose myself with depression or anxiety.
And this is another hard decision to me. The choices for me to make are there but I won't be happy with it, I especially won't feel happy doing something that others have done before and I'm just replaceable, and to top it all off I'm gonna be very jealous of everyone else being seemingly happy. Recently I spoke to my friend and his direct approach at life, lack of sensitivity and his admirable tenacity to do what he wants is really enviable. I know comparing myself to others is wrong, but I've been friends with him for 12 years now, we've been doing more or less the same thing, he's have it tougher than me in life and yet he's there enjoying himself while I'm sitting here complaining and scratching my balls thinking of what to do and then why not to do it.
Should I see a doctor then ? I really think I don't . but I may be preventing myself from getting a proper diagnosis if I continue to lie to myself, or worse yet, lie to people who want to help me.
If you have insurance, for sure go and talk to a psychologist. I was too jaded and angsty as a teenager (and my psychologist was a retard) to talk to a proper person about my problems that I didn't even know I had. Turns out you repress some serious shit as a child. Talking to a stranger in a meaningful way can be beneficial.
I'll consider it..
From what I've seen for a while now ignorance really is bliss.
Anyone else can provide a perspective for me ?
Everyone so far has given me wonderful suggestions, I just need some more to be able to finalize my thinking process.
What country is this you live in anon? I am international occupational consultant. I'd be glad to guide you down an enjoyable career path
What triggered this epiphany? This may help the situation alot.