My husband and I have been together for 4 years, but lately our sex life has been miserable. He likes everything I hate and he thinks everything I like is boring.
Me playing with myself on webcam.
Him playing with me on webcam.
Making me watch someone else jerk off to me on webcam.
Shoving inanimate objects in my ass.
Things I like:
Him using toys and me watching.
He used to like dirty talking, but that always involved him asking the following questions: "Tell me what you are." (I say "I'm a slut") "What kind of slut are you?" (I say "cam slut") "Are you going to go on webcam and watch guys jerk off to you?" (I say "Yes") "Why are you going to do that?" (I say "Because you want me to") The only problem is he would take it seriously despite me always telling him it had to be strictly hypothetical/role play. Next thing I know he's setting up his webcam and I'm in a bad mood because he's taken it too far.
I tried the webcam stuff. I did shows for money while he watched and fapped. I did the DirtyRoulette thing. I've done everything he wants once but I just couldn't get into any of the things he likes. He's always telling me to suggest something he'll like but I already know I'm going to hate anything he likes. I suggest dirty talk and he says no, I suggest sex and he says he doesn't have time to wait for me to be aroused, I suggest fapping together and he says that's boring. I don't know what to do anymore. I dread getting into bed because I know he has these expectations and it's either going to end in me going to bed upset because he's made me fap on cam for a complete stranger or hurt me by sticking things in my ass even when I'm telling him I'm in pain, or he goes to bed angry with me because I refused to do either of those things.
Suggestions? Advice? Anything? We keep just going round in circles..
I know he'll never cheat (he's kinda female-retarded). He's super loyal, and I'm the first person he's ever been with. I kinda wish I wasn't because he seems to think I'm the weird one for not being into this stuff even though I tell him it's not normal to expect these things of your wife.
He has morals. They're a bit screwed, but they're there. He's a "one-woman-for-life" kinda guy, which sounds nice when you're a young girl, but when you realise they've gone straight from porn to you it's difficult trying to convince someone like that that real life isn't like porn...
It sounds like sex is turning into something of an effort.
Obviously, your kinks are not being made priority which is why you're in mad right now
My first suggestion would be to create a safe word with him NOW before shit gets too far. Make sure he KNOWS and make sure to ingrain it in his memory by granting him everything or whatever, you know.
In the end OP, if sex turns into a struggle, its best to just kind of turn the fire out for a little bit and rekindle when the time is right.
I have a safe word, but a lot of the time even if I'm in pain or upset I just rather him get it over with because if he stops whatever he's doing he's going to just expect something else anyway..
He expects me to please him every single day, but he gets impatient with me getting in the mood. I'll ask him to get me in the mood and his idea of that is jerking himself off with his hand while rubbing my genitals in the same back and forth motion which ends up feeling uncomfortable because I'm completely dry, then he gets impatient that I'm taking too long, so there's just so much pressure for me to get going quickly. A lot of the time I'll wait until he's sleep and spend some time getting myself going then wake him up for sex because that's way easier. I have no problem with sex though, it's just I always come to bed expecting the worst because I know what he REALLY wants, i.e. me to do something on webcam.
But I am, I have tried everything and still do the stuff he hates but it makes me miserable and I get nothing back.
He is in a way. He bosses me around and everything I do I have to run by him. I have no social life away from him. So yeah, I guess he is.
I'd be completely fine with doing that, it's just a matter of getting him to agree to it. We already did marriage counseling over a separate issue though and as much as I enjoyed it and thought it was doing us good, it didn't really.
He needs me more emotionally, I need him more financially since I moved away from my home and left my job to be with him when we married. I have tried to leave in the past and he begged me to stay.
Well that's the confusing part. I could tell him "I want a divorce. You treat me like shit. You talk to me like shit. You're an asshole and I could be spending my time with better people in my life rather than wasting it with someone like you." and he'll beg and apologise and I'll finally give in, then next thing I know his dicks out and he's like "This is probably bad timing but what are you gonna do for me tonight?"
Can you guys have adult conversations without getting all fussy about it?
Look, you're deeply, deeply unhappy with your sex life. You're trying to accommodate his esoteric and disrespectful kinks. What is he doing to satisfy your desires in return?
Sex is a great barometer for the state of the marriage. People try to disassociate the two, but that doesn't make me wrong in most cases.
The shit you're seeing is a manifestation of what's going on inside his head, and the hard truth is that you can't control that. We're all in command of what's going between our own ears.
What you CAN do is to control yourself, and that means not spending so much time in the passenger seat of your own life.
I'm not suggesting shutting him down. I might suggest making things more vanilla so that you can enjoy yourself, too, though. It's selfish not to do that, and foolish not to demand it.
Look, this is a pretty clear-cut case of needing a real State Of The Union Address between you two. His kinky desires are coming from somewhere, and how you both respond to unhappiness with each others' desires is a VERY clear indication of the health of your relationship.
I'm more sexually adventurous than my wife. That's the truth. I push her limits, at times, but in sex, as in marriage, it's done with the happiness of the other in mind.
The most disturbing thing to me about your story is how far his behavior is from the norm. Most men fantasize about our own prowess, our ability to control and give pleasure through our own actions. We tend to idealize our ability to elicit women's sexual pleasure more than our own. What I'm seeing in your description is some sadism, which is not welcome in most relationships. Be warned.
You seem like a really reasonable and bright gal. Sorry your husband is a sexually degenerate millennial baby.
I hope everything else about your marriage is nice at least.
Also being submissive and compromising has a lot of merit in a relationship, but certain things need to have equal effort and participation from both parties (sex being an important one), and he is clearly not giving you that. A smart guy would figure this out on his own and fix it, but it seems like this dude is not the type and is just riding on the fact that you're putting up with his shit.
The fact that you didn't even once mention considering infidelity and you're so modest about your frustrations is super attractive. Any guy with a wife like that should be catering to her sexual desires (especially given your desires are so easy to accomodate and so non-threatening).
Assuming you're using a tactful and reasonable approach in voicing your feelings about how your sex life is going; he should definitely be making these compromises.
What he should be doing:
- Spending some god damn time warming you up (it's not hard or significantly time consuming, and you deserve it)
- Catering to your sexual desires at least an equal amount of the time as you do to his (fapping with you off cam, fucking you off cam, using toys, him using toys)
- Exercise some fucking patience and realize his fetishes aren't getting you off. Share the pleasure.
What you should be doing:
- Indulge him in his sexual desires a reasonable amount of the time and try to relax about it (assuming you're being treated well in return, getting on cam for him once and a while shouldn't be so frustrating and upsetting, so you can get into it and be happy it's pleasurable for him)
- Cleaning, using lube, and relaxing/training the anal play so it doesn't hurt. It shouldn't hurt.
Sex must be good for both parties. You need to both contribute to catering eachother's desires. Not one exclusively catering to the other.
I also wanted to add that you are one of the few females I have ever seen in my entire life bitching about sexual problems in their relationship where they are completely in the right.
Just wanted to congratulate you on that.
Thanks for your answers guys.
See I COULD be totally into the kink side, but he tries to dominate me when I don't want to be dominated. I LOVED our sex life at first. He was a virgin, and I loved that I was leading him and teaching him and I was in control, but now he controls everything except I choose the positions during sex as I have hip/knee problems.
When I first started doing the cam show it did NOTHING for me sexually, but I enjoyed making money and it kept him happy too, but after a while he started controlling that too; telling me what to do, what angle I should have the camera, which toys to use, getting involved in the shows by spanking me and fingering me, and that just completely ruined it for me. I have absolutely zero control over ANYTHING in our marriage other than the dirty dishes and the laundry.
Being submissive in bed is not my thing, and it just adds to all of the other compromise I've had to make in our marriage (leaving my hometown, leaving my family, leaving my friends, leaving my job, quitting school, having an abortion, eating foods I don't even like, what time I go to bed etc.) Sorry to deepen the conversation a bit, I'm just a bit frustrated.
Holy fuck, this is the truth. I'm sorry, but why aren't you considering divorce? He is a fucked up manchild, and you're enabling this.
That's another facet of emotional abuse; it's manipulation. I bet he gaslights you, and pulls all sorts of other shit, too.
Please listen to >>15604996.
This post confirms my previous one a million times over
You can't let someone boss over you like that unless they have your best interests in mind too; He clearly doesn't. What sacrifices has he made for you? He seems to completely disregard you in every part of life.
>I tried the webcam stuff. I did shows for money while he watched and fapped. I did the DirtyRoulette thing. I've done everything he wants once but I just couldn't get into any of the things he likes.
you made an effort and you tried something new. that's all he can ask for. if you didn't like it, you guys can either talk about how to make it a better experience for you, or about trying something else new together.
>I suggest dirty talk and he says no, I suggest sex and he says he doesn't have time to wait for me to be aroused
so incredibly selfish. he doesn't have time to wait for you to want it? foreplay can be incredibly sexy/fun/romantic and there's a lot of room for experimentation
>it's either going to end in me going to bed upset because he's made me fap on cam for a complete stranger or hurt me by sticking things in my ass even when I'm telling him I'm in pain
this is not okay. you shouldnt be forced to go on cam if you don't want to. if you're hurting and can't take it anymore, he needs to stop.
>or he goes to bed angry with me because I refused to do either of those things.
so fucking what. sometimes we don't get all of our desires met every night. what has he done for you lately? ugh OP he sounds like a spoiled child.
There is so much bullshit in this thread about meeting his needs, but your needs are not being met at all. he is not treating you with respect or as an equal in the relationship (from reading your further replies) and those are more important than your sex life or his kinks.
He got a full-time job and bought a house, and pays all the bills. So there's that.
He is my best friend, and we have a great time when we go out and do things together like hiking, fishing, photography, whatever. I just hate going home because I know that 90% of the time, as soon as we get into bed, he's going to say "Okay so what are you willing to do?" and he'll say no to any of my suggestions because he's already got it in his mind that he wants something that I don't want.
>I have absolutely zero control over ANYTHING in our marriage other than the dirty dishes and the laundry.
>it just adds to all of the other compromise I've had to make in our marriage (leaving my hometown, leaving my family, leaving my friends, leaving my job, quitting school, having an abortion, eating foods I don't even like, what time I go to bed etc.)
OP THIS IS BAD NEWS. it sounds like he has made few sacrifices for you, while you have given up your entire life (outside of him). The last three are less common but concerning, you compromised on an abortion, and he can control your eating habits and bedtime? a baby may be both parents' choice but you are a grown ass woman who can eat and sleep what/when she wants.
Why did you guys get married when you're this sexually incompatible?
You're basically a housewife then? You cook and clean? I'd say that makes you about even as far as him supporting you.
>I just hate going home
I'm sorry love but you must see how this is not acceptable. Your home is where you're supposed to be safe and relaxed but he's not allowing that. Such a dismissive word as "just" is not appropriate here.
It's a moot point anyway because no matter how pleasant he is in other areas can justify how he treats you in the bedroom.
I'm a though guy but it choked me up to read about how you tried to accommodate all his kinks only to get treated like crap in return.
>I have a safe word, but a lot of the time even if I'm in pain or upset I just rather him get it over with because if he stops whatever he's doing he's going to just expect something else anyway.
This shit really got to me.
That's ignorant as shit dude. Battered housewives can leave anytime they want too.
The first rule of sex is Never do anything you don't want to do.
Especially not just to keep your partner happy, because you will inevitably come to resent it.
You have a vote in this relationship. You don't always have to do what he wants. You can say NO to his suggestions or demands if you want to, or you can negotiate "I'll do what you like once in a while if you do what I like sometimes."
We could get into the obvious insecurities that drive him so that he has to debase you in order to feel sexually confident with you. But the first thing is to recognize that you have rights in this relationship, and one of the highest is the right to say No.
Yeah I told him from the very beginning. He knows I'm a very traditional kind of person in the sense that I like to keep our sex life private and not involve anyone else.
Also, in regards to people who might think I'm some dumb bimbo who is mooching off my hard-working husband..
My husband has no qualifications, he got lucky when he got his job. I have a degree and planned to do my honors and masters but couldn't once I moved. I don't have a job as I've only just received my work permit and there is nothing around where we live and I don't even have a driver's license.
Also I received inheritence and had thousands of dollars in saving before that, so I paid the down payment on both his car and the house which is in his name only. I don't go clothes shopping and I've been using the same makeup for 5 years, so I'm not a frivolous leach.