Helping people is my therapy. Recently went through a break-up, been becoming heavily invested in creative work the last two weeks and finding new things to love in life, been taking lot's of steps to improve my quality of life.
I'm currently a self sustaining person who's still figuring certain things out in his own life, and would identify myself as an outgoing introvert. I'm very much a solitary person that does enjoy good company whom I can have meaningful or stimulating conversations with. I've had 3 serious relationships, dealt with all kinds of relationship issues (my very first was probably one of the best horrific training exercises you could never wish on anyone, I went into this in a previous thread if you want a link), but everyone has gone through a bad relationship one time or another. I've always enjoyed and felt I had a knack for helping people see things clearly. I'm pretty much all of my friends' personal therapists and cheerleader.
I wanted to dedicate this thread to helping people with any interpersonal issues they're facing. Relationships, friendships, your emotional/physical well being, maybe something is difficult in your life currently. Whatever is on your mind, ask. I will do my best to give the most objective viewpoint I can on the subject.
I hope I can help, and please be patient. I will try to respond as soon as I can (I check in every few hours)
I'm in my senior year of high school (obv 18 pls no ban) and i've never had an intimate relationship with anyone (not even my parents, who have a fundamental cultural difference than me [born and raised in diff country, uneducated]). I recognized I didn't connect with people in my sophomore year and turned to philosophy, film, music to fill the gap of my humanity. But I feel helpless to the people around me, my friends (closeish), whom I turn to vent my frustrated thoughts on reality (mathematical ideas, political theories, etc). They all brush it off as me trying to be smarter than them (which in a way I am, but not to prove my superiority, for the hope that maybe possibly they will connect in the realm of thought I reach out). Is it hopeless? And these people I used to share connections with from Freshmen/Sophomore year, I go back to them and its as if i've grown into a different existence then them. It's not like I don't express pleasure in the same way they do, I guess I just feel like an old soul. So am I doomed? Is the only way for me to experience some non-numbing expression or connection through substance or appreciation of someone who couldn't appreciate me in return? (I know part of my problem is narcissism as well, I don't know what to do about this either. I'm convinced im destined for something great)
Sorry I guess I need a question in there. As an introvert, when you have your periods of retreating from society and friends, how do you reintroduce yourself? Everyones moved on without you, and your pride prevents you from falling into the same cycle that caused you to withdraw in the first place. How can one truly connect intimately with another without hopping through all the societal progressions? Or if they need to (which I guess they do), how do they learn if they've never known how?
Alright, well, you've described a situation a LITTLE similiar to my own life. So let me start with the following. Do not change who you are to fit in with people who are lesser than your standards.
Now this doesn't mean "I'm holier than thou and everyone should bow to me". It means, simply because you can't connect with people like past classmates or others around doesn't mean you're inferior or should feel bad.
There is a saying my father always told me: "The higher the fewer". Quite simply, it can apply to almost any greater pursuit in life. The smarter you are, the less people may understand it. So, it took me a long time to understand not so much how to "dumb" myself down, but more or less, know when showing my intelligence was worthwhile, or, say, appropriate. If you're smart enough to realize people don't understand or appreciate the kinds of things you discuss, you're also smart enough to figure out how to solve this problem :)
I work in the film industry. It's very time consuming, it's highly intensive work and if you let it, will control your life. So trust me, I understand the feeling of "being alone" when you're not engaged with a crew of people you can rely on to make something come to life like a story.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of narcissism. Be confident in what you know, do not tip in the direction of believing you are in fact, better than everyone, or most people, because that can be your downfall.
I'll also say this much, you're 18, your life has barely even begun. Just wait until you go to college, wait until you have a bigger, new, wide circle of people from all walks of life to mix with, and wait until you start a degree. Your life won't have begun even after you graduate college. Don't worry, and just keep your head up and focus on your pursuits. Everything else, including relationships, falls into place naturally.
And, anecdotally to answer this question: It takes effort. And it takes just jumping in and finding people with similar outlooks and views on life like yourself, and not worrying so much about what others think. All of my close friends are introverts, they're also people I can rely on in other areas of life too. They're intellectuals, they're bright people who are extremely passionate about what they know and do, and much prefer to spend an evening, reading, or when together, in with a small group, watching a movie, playing a game, or talking about life, philosophy, art, etc.
What you describe are the things and people that will ultimately not accomplish anything of substance or meaning in their lives. They're caught up in the rigmarole of it all, and you're not. Be glad you've recognized that at your young age, most don't realize it until it's too late, if ever in their lives.
I've already posted this but you seem really willing to help, and no one has posted yet. So here goes: I was recently diagnosed with cancer, (completely treatable, don't worry) so I decided to start doing things that I wouldn't typically. So I made a grindr. It took me a while to warm up to it, but no one really caught my eye except for this one guy. So we begin talking and I work up the nerve to meet with him. We have sex and it was nice and fine and Ienjoyed it and I leave the next day for an appointment. I thought that was going to be the end of that, and then he asks me to come back and that he just wants to hang out. We begin talking about normal things and not just sex and he calls me pet names and stuff and I get excited. I go back to his house the day after and he tells me I have to be quiet because it's his parents house and he doesn't want them to know. So we hang out again, no sex just some light stuff, and we talk and go to sleep. We talk and everything is fine and then the next day he says out of nowhere that things aren't working out. I was confused and asked why and he said that his parents heard another voice and they're upset but everything is okay, it was just unnecessary stress that he wouldn't have had to deal with if I was being quiet like he repeatedly asked (I'm just loud). So I asked him if he wanted to quit talking, and he said that he didn't know whether he does or not and then I told him just to be upfront with me. After that, I haven't heard anything back from him. To be sure that he was ignoring me I tried to add him on Facebook, which he denied. I'm pissed that someone would do that and not give any explanation, especially when I have cancer that he knew about. So tonight, after a week, I've been sending him a string of texts (like 3) to try and convince him to tell me what happened and that I deserve an answer. So far I've gotten no replies or anything, and I just don't know what to do.
First, let me say I'm sorry that you were diagnosed, it's a difficult thing to deal with no matter the severity of it, and my thoughts and well wishes are with you always.
Now, from what you've told me, there's two ways to go about this situation. From what I understand, Grindr was Tinder before Tinder was a thing, for the gay community, and as such, it has primarily been used and attributed to being a hook-up app. The big issue you run into with an app like that is the types of people it exposes you to, namely, people that do not have any real shred of decency or sensitivity in situations like these. Why? Because they're mostly using it as a way to get laid. People are predators in these apps from my experience. I've used Tinder and it's simply a way for people to avoid real, meaningful relationships while carrying on like they care about the other person, until they get what they want.
And it sounds to me like this person might have done just that. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but it sounds very much to me like this person might have taken advantage of you in this emotionally vulnerable situation.
So there's two ways to go about this really. One: believe you are owed an explanation despite the fact this person seems to have done everything to distance themselves from you or
Two: Accept this person was manipulative and move on. The fact this person hasn't responded to your outreach in a considerable amount of time signals to me they made up their mind and they just don't want to talk to you about it anymore. Why pursue and try to get the approval of someone who isn't putting in the same level of effort you are? You deserve way better than that
Thank you for your support and I know you're right. It's just so hard to convince myself that right now. It makes me feel so silly because I know better, but I keep tricking myself. Thank you for your time, and I hope that you continue on the positive track you're on.
I have a thread already but whatever
>My dad and mom are abusive fucks that tormented me when I was young
>girlfriend died in a car crash
>join military to run away from family
>get shot at, shot up and then watch friend explode
>military no want me no more so they kick me and I go to college on their dime
>mom comes back from foreign country cause dad kicked her out
>is living with me and I hate her
>girl pops up in life that looks like ex
Things have been going well, but although I'm okay alone, I really feel my choosing to be alone is also out of fear of people. I love myself, I love who I am. However, my fear is mainly conflict. I'm pretty spineless, which is why I built up so much paranoia and and defense against anyone who may potentially hurt me (loleveryone). I'm very sensitive to insults, and they can really get me down even if the person insulting is completely wrong about who I am. I can be right about something, but can be shut down instantly. How does one brush off such negativity? I even sometimes get offended with mean stuff and people here in this super-secret-meme-site. Of course the internet is a shitty place to generalize people, but when you have little social interaction, it's all you got, and it makes the world seem like a place of shitty people. I feel I assume so much negativity from people and end up psyching myself out before the situation even happens. It was shitty people really ruined it for me in the past. I have the capability to make things better, and I'm doing things now, but I always have a strong feeling of doubt towards relationships with others. I often question who we are based on a lot of nasty people on the internet.
I graduated college 4 years ago and my life has been slowly coming apart since. I met my girlfriend there and we had to be separated short after graduating. we've been trying to breach the gap, but neither of us has a stable, well-paying job in order to move closer. The $20,000 Albatross around my neck that is my degree doesn't qualify me for much outside of a shitty office job that triggered stress-based IBS in me. And the kicker now is that my girlfriend was having depression issues which has now been diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder. We had a huge fight because I have my doubts about her medication (I visited her recently and I've never seen her behave like she did in the 6 years we've been together) and now we haven't talked a few days. I have no fucking clue on what to do and I feel like I'm losing the few anchors in my life.
If I were you I would continue getting the school done and do what makes you happy. That's what everyone wants for you anyway. And, it's not like you are incapable of things. I have seen ex-military guys work in school and kick major ass.
Not entirely sure what you're asking for, I can't really answer an open ended question like that about what to do with your life. The real question you should be asking yourself is what YOU want from your life. You're obviously not happy and don't have direction from the sounds of it.
This girl, who is she? How did you meet her? We tend to go for girls that look like our first girlfriend/looks like a past lover because our individual tastes continue throughout our lives. Do you have any hobbies? Anything you like in your leisure time? Something like a creative outlet? Invest in something that helps you escape and let your mind flow. Taking a cooking class, go to social events of groups with similar interests, learn something new etc. That would probably be a good place to start and get yourself into a good state of mind.
I was the same way for a long time. It's okay to choose to spend most of your time alone. You do need to find a balance though in your life and have a degree of social interaction that's meaningful. You sound like the kind of person that values quality over quantity, and yes, most people are actually shitty in the world if you break things down on a pure numbers level. There are very few good, like minded, non-confrontational and intelligent people out there that are A. worth a damn and B. aren't also conceited egotists in their own right.
It starts with taking the risk of putting yourself out there, however you feel comfortable, and just starting to talk with people. I met most of my closest friends online. I later met people in real life by taking chances to go to social outings. It's hard as an introvert that is afraid of rejection, trust me, I know. I deal with this a lot. But the more you do it, the more confidence you build up and the more reassurance it gives you that people actually do like you exactly for who you are and want you in their lives.
One simple thing to remember is EVERYONE is afraid of rejection. That's why a lot retreat to the internet. It's a safety cocoon where no one can judge them, they can be anonymous, and then completely stagnate as a human being achieving nothing while chastising anyone else who puts themselves out there. The question really is who do you want to be in that equation?
Hello Old Soul, deleted my other post, figured I would ask you instead.
28/m, software programmer. Was pretty much a "no friends" guy until about a year ago (/adv/ recommended I check the city's reddit group, and I followed up on that), and am still fairly introverted. Met a girl through a speed-dating event last Saturday, and we ended up doing a follow-up date on Wednesday. Friend recommended a wine bar w/ nice atmosphere, where we drank/talked a lot about life in general. We ended up at my apartment watching Portlandia, and then suddenly no clothing.
She asks how many partners I've had.
>Me: Actually, this is my first time.
I'm not sure what I'm feeling now after the act, especially since she said she didn't know if she wanted anything serious, before we did it, but didn't say anything like that after.
Infatuation, guilt, or some sort of self-defeatest impostor syndrome ("this was just a fluke")? Or is it something else?
For now, I'm just trying to roll with it and see if we continue, but I am now concerned I'll fuck things up further.
First off, I want to tell you when life gets challenging, it's a test. It's a test of will and character, and from this experience, you will become stronger from this.
My first question is how old are you? When it comes to relationships, and what you've been through (especially if you've been with the person for a long time) it seems unthinkable, even impossible to let go because of the time and emotion you've invested in it.
What outlets do you have for support in your life? Do you have family you can talk to about this? Close friends and people you can trust? Bipolar is a very debilitating condition on everyone around the person who has it, and it's okay to feel like this isn't something you want in your life. Personally speaking, that's your survival instinct kicking in, saying it doesn't want to settle for this. And honestly, you shouldn't have to if you're not happy.
Look, I suffered from "one-itis" for a long time, going from intense relationship to relationship and worrying when things didn't work out that I couldn't leave the person because of how much time/effort/money/emotion etc I had sunk into the relationship. If you are not happy, do not settle because it's familiar to you. That is the enemy of progress and your well being. The beginning to solving your problems starts with doing a stock check on everything important to you, and highlighting your main priorities right now in life. Career goals, financial situation, surviving day to day, and maintaining the relationships that matter most to you.
In life you are your only anchor. You are a rock, when things go wrong, rely on yourself to solve them. That way you won't feel like this anymore. I know it sounds hard, but the best decisions in life are not always easy.
Well, your statement is a bit of a catch-22 :)
If she was the love of your life, then why are you moving on? I need some more details about this, did you break up with her? She with you?
Whatever the case, chances are, this is over now and there is no going back. So based on what you've told me, stop idealizing the situation. She was not your one and only and won't be your last. Concentrate on other pursuits right now while you go through this period of coping. Don't immediately go looking for love to fill the void. You'll make bad judgement calls in your current state. It takes time to heal, and you won't grow unless you let other areas of your life thrive, develop and grow as well.
Well for starters, congrats on taking the first major steps to improving your life and well being :)
Look, I've known people from all walks of life that "lost it" at different times. There isn't anything strange about losing it when YOU feel comfortable. I didn't have sex until I was 20, and to be honest it wasn't that big a deal. It's just something that happens because it feels right in the moment with someone you're with.
Secondly, girls use the "don't know if I want anything serious" to be pursued, until, in fact, they like you and then it's "I want something serious". If you're 28, and you managed to get a girl to have sex with you that quickly, chances are it's not necessarily the last time either.
Look, if someone is going to judge you based on how few (or many) partners you've had in the past and then leave you as a result of it, that's shallow. The difference, and this I will defend no matter what the case, is if the person has slept with many (at least a dozen or upward etc), then I'd be concerned. From a mentally stable standpoint (ie, does this person have issues, are they bad at mate selection, do they have emotional issues and lack of confidence/self control/etc), and a general health standpoint too that could put you and others at risk.
Did she express wanting to see you again? Play it cool, don't become needy, if you like each other things play out naturally and you'll want to spend time with each other again. You're just unsure because this is all new to you. That's okay, it's an exciting time too, just don't overthink things because you can sabotage your thoughts and happiness by thinking something bad will happen. Accept the fact that something positive and good is happening, and continue going with the flow. It sounds like you're doing something right if she got naked with you :)
Alright well, I'll take a stab at it from as objective a standpoint as I can. You cannot feel guilty for pursuing what you need and want in your life. Sometimes things don't work out, sometimes people aren't compatible. People, also change. It's natural you found someone more appealing. I'm assuming you're in your 20s
I just broke up with my girlfriend 2 weeks ago because I realized I wasn't happy and she wasn't what I saw myself with longterm. In fact, there is another girl whom I know that is moving down to come work for me that I also, ideally, see myself developing a relationship with too (we've known each other for 10 years) but we're both adults now and have shown interest in one another beyond merely "friends". So you're not alone in the whole "looking at other possibilities" route.
Look, for your ex to start making your friends take sides and turn against you is a really immature, childish thing to do. One of the things I worried about was when I broke up with my current GF how friends and people I met through her would react, and if they would take sides. Honestly it shouldn't matter. If the people really cared about you, they'd respect the fact you weren't happy and let you make decisions that are best for YOUR life, not theirs, not what someone else tells them or anything of the sort.
You need to talk to your current girlfriend about these issues openly and candidly. You need to get everything out in the open. Otherwise there is no realistic, happy future here. If you can't have these discussions then there isn't really a relationship. You need to talk about how you feel. You also need time away from this, from her, from these people and this situation. Finding something to distract yourself in and focus on, like an outlet of expression, (writing, painting, cooking, outdoor leisure activity) SOMETHING different that engages your mind elsewhere when you're not dealing with these issues. Never put all your eggs in one basket as they say.
How to make friends on your course at university?
1st year, final semester, I'm friends (probably) with my flatmates and have a group of them to live with next year, but i cant help but notice that they all have better university social lives than me, 3 of them do the same subject and have their own little clique and the other 2 have friends from sports societies.
My course is composed mostly of girls and i already have a girlfriend
Who says you can't make friends with the girls? If you're worried about being "unloyal" or your girlfriend is insecure about you being around other girls, that's gotta stop. Unless your intentions are merely platonic and you're looking to just enjoy company, that's fine. If you're tempted by the girls to do something beyond that, don't be in a relationship.
You're in college, there are plenty of groups you can join and activities you can participate in on campus that are outside of your classes. What about spending time with your friends and hanging with them at social gatherings? If they've got good stuff going on and they're your friends I'm sure they'd be more than happy to have you with them
Haha I have no clue. Had it on my harddrive for years, always loved it. It's my background on my computer, just sort of works for the thread theming I guess :)
i'm 28, recently moved back in with my parents after my gf of 2 years broke up with me. we lived together. quit my job because i got a dui and can't drive there, it was shitty anyways.
basically have been in a severe depression since november from working 6-7 days a week on a shit salary. gf didn't do much around the apartment so i would come home, cook, clean, etc. paid most of the bills. drank heavily as well. she said i didn't support her enough and it pissed me off because i was doing all of the apartment chores and paid for our bills and would pick up the tab most times we would go out.
i do miss her a lot though and our relationship wasn't always bad. i want to get back together with her when i get back on my feet. i know she still has feelings for me. been banging a girl i met on okcupid in the meantime who is obsessed with me but shes not really my type. should i just completely move on from my ex and keep banging okcupid girl til something better comes a long?
I like to think of myself as an "old soul", although there's no real definition for that. Here goes:
For the past few years, I've been struggling with an intense feeling of shame and guilt. My father died about 3 years ago after being diagnosed with cancer about a month prior to his death. I ignored his illness, I avoided coming home from uni so I wouldn't have to see him suffer. The man laying there in that bed wasn't the man who raised me. I'd feel repulsed by him when I had to help him sit up, or seeing him helpless like that. In the end, I was a terrible son to him, and he never held it against me. The day he died, I had an unimportant appointment when my family called me from the hospital. I went to the appointment anyway before going to the hospital, where I saw him die. I didn't say a word, only held my hand on his arm and watched my family being melodramatic.
I still feel bad about the way I was, and every night I go to sleep sober (not a lot of nights, I almost smoke weed dailynow), I think about that day. It's made me bitter, ashamed and the worst part is that down deep, I know I wouldn't react any differently if it'd happen again.
I still haven't cried to this day, but that alone makes me sadder than I'd ever been before. Angry at myself, sad for who I am, but never sad about the actual fact that my father is dead.
What's wrong with me?
You're in a transitional period clearly. Get rid of anything and everything about your ex. Based on everything you've described it's a toxic situation up and down. She's going to drag you down with her.
Just keep living your life and continue engaging in other things and DON'T GO BACK TO HER. If current girl is wanting something more, don't lead her on. Eventually she's going to want to know if you're going to become official or not. Don't jump right back into a relationship or commitment especially after one that was long term (my definition of longterm is a year or more). Just relax, everything is going to be fine. Keep doing what you gotta do but move on with your life, you deserve way better than what your ex was giving you
It sounds to me like you're experiencing depersonalization or some kind of disassociation from emotional circumstances. Can you tell me if you've experienced anything emotionally traumatizing earlier in your life?
I had bouts of this early on after some serious emotional experiences that I shut myself down to protect myself from being hurt again, and it sounds to me very much like what you're going through.
I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with you so much as I would say it's really more or less a defense mechanism. I don't blame you for reacting the way you did during the time you spent with your father in his final months, it's difficult for anyone to deal with that kind of thing, and everyone handles tragedy differently.
The real thing we need to determine is the root of your unhappiness and behavior to overcome it so you can live a happy life from here on out and have no regrets moving forward, because you shouldn't. Everyone thinks and acts differently during times of great stress, it should never be held against you, nor should you hold it against yourself
My boyfriend invited me over but then left me at his house and went off to the park with his brothers and friends since they wanted to play sports and he didn't want me walking in the sun. Would it be wrong to just go home? Or at the very least would it be wrong to go somewhere like the bookstore while he's gone?
I had a pretty careless life up 'till that point. Had to retake a year at school due to a WoW addiction and some short periods of being bullied, and the inability to find a gf or get laid (still practically kisless, but I'm reasonably at peace with that) but I wasn't that unhappy otherwise.
Thank you for your insight, I'd also like to share this post from an other thread with you.
Just to give you more info.
I asked out a girl who ended up in my major 3 years ago. Needless to say, I got rejected.
She transferred into mine, despite the fact that she thought my major was "hard" and the fact that she claims I made her feel uncomfortable, at least a year ago.
She's now using my existence for free sympathy and attention from our peers. I don't think it's gotten to my friends yet because they're commuter students who don't spend all day on campus.
Wat do? I'd really like to graduate without a mental illness diagnosis and/or criminal charge, so going to a psychologist is out of the question. So is seeing some school officials since I really don't want to force a confrontation with her.
I'm really close to seeing a lawyer from the school's student legal services at this point to see what my options are, but I don't know how helpful they'd be since nothing has happened yet.
You're quite welcome, and after reading that post, are you sure you didn't use things like WoW as escapism from other tasks in your life, like to avoid rejection and social situations? Because I sure as hell did. When I was 17 I became absolutely addicted to it, basically a year of my life, poof, sunk into that game. Stopped playing it one day, cold turkey, never looked back.
Being "kissless" or not having a gf is not some kind of disease or thing you'll never be able to shake. It's a state of mind. You don't "get" a girlfriend after trying and failing. Nothing comes simply or quickly in life. You have to work toward things, goals. You take baby steps every day to improve yourself but you MAKE progress every day by forcing yourself to do, try, and experience new things, without feeling the pressure of "having" to do something for the sake of what society has made you feel pressured to do.
It's time to start living for you. Take stock of all the things that matter to you. Don't blow all that money when you get it, invest it, save it. It will keep you going for quite a while if you manage it correctly. Focus pursuits in other things that will force you into the world.
Continued from >>15660397
I've mentioned in a lot of my posts in this thread to do things outside your comfort zone, take classes to things like cooking, read some classic literature, go outside and experience a solitary walk in a nice local park or trail. Get in the car and drive. Just do something, ANYTHING to engage your mind elsewhere. There is no point in dwelling on the past, the present doesn't wait, and you shouldn't either. You can do so many things to start pushing yourself in the right direction.
Start eating healthy, look up simple workout routines to get into. Hell, go buy a blender and start making smoothies. They taste great and they're easy to make. It's all about your state of mind and starting new habits. The more you do it, the simpler it is to keep doing it. You've settled into what you do now because it's also easy, but it will ultimately destroy you if you continue down this path. If you want any more advice feel free to ask
Just fyi the WoW-thing and all that was before this happened. The only thing I'm addicted to right now somewhat is weed. I've been smoking from before he died but it got more and more, always with friends though.
I'll react on the rest of your post later, I have company right now. But thank you, I needed that.
her biggest thing was i didn't support her "emotionally" like telling her i loved her and stuff like that. also i completely lost my sex drive from not sleeping and working too much.
i dunno, i guess i want to be back with her but i think i am just chasing stability. it's hard to think objectively about the situation. i would have married her. we're pretty different personalities though. she's very optimistic and positive and i am fairly cynical and negative. i think it helps make me not feel as cynical being with someone who is more positive.
Sounds a little strange...did he invite you over and you were under the impression you guys were going to hang out together? Can you tell me more about this relationship? It sounds weird to me that he just...leaves you there to go do something after inviting you over.
Is he at all insecure about your whereabouts during times of the day? I mean sheesh...you're your own person, you can do what you like if you're left to your own devices you know? Let him know you're going to the store while he's out, see how he reacts. That'll help me better understand the situation
By make your own love I'm assuming you mean love yourself or find something to love/invest in emotionally. Personally, it's about finding a passion I'd say. I love film, everything related to the process of movie making, I'm involved in it every single day. In fact I'm working with an editor right now as I type this (I'm taking breaks to answer this thread in-between renders).
Love is a relative thing. You find love by developing a passion or finding your passion. Surely you have things you enjoy already, right? You don't always need a "person" to feel love. What you want is validation. The secret to that is finding validation in what you love: a passion. If you rely on validation to come from other people, you will never be happy. Get my drift? :)
I had to read this twice because I wasn't sure entirely what she had done. What exactly happened between you two that prompted her to "claim" you made her feel uncomfortable? Be honest, I'm not judging either way, I just want to know what happened so you know what your options are. Whether she's crazy or you actually did something questionable, this will help put things into perspective.
Assuming she is nuts and is ruining your reputation, it's slander and defamation, and you should protect yourself as soon as possible. What exactly is she saying about you to others? You should go after winning the reputation game as soon as possible and contact school officials, talk to a lawyer, and most importantly TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY before she has a chance to get to anyone close to you. They're going to believe you over her, and that builds a case in your favor as backup if/when needed.
I knew her back in high school. Used to eat lunch with her every day. I hadn't seen her for over a month, then I saw her randomly one day and asked if she wants to go have a meal.
I haven't told anyone about her since I'm not a gossipy piece of shit, and I've convinced my family that I haven't seen her at all in 3 years.
As for school officials, I have worked with several in and out of my major, and a few of my professors know me. I don't know how I would approach one about her since it's probably petty shit that should have ended in high school to them (and it really is). I don't have much trust in the student life side of the administration either. They're the kind that will say students should "take a chance" and that asking people out and love is "natural", but yet in the same hour denounce all men as rapist pigs that are automatically at fault.
Here's the thing. The mind plays tricks on you because it fears change. It likes familiarity because it at least knows what it's getting/dealing with, even if it's the worst thing in the world.
Do not fall into this mental trap. You don't grow and expand as a person by going back to what wasn't working the first time. There isn't anything wrong with being cynical, so long as you're not letting it destroy your life. Believing someone else will "balance" that out isn't really being realistic. You, and only you, can change your state of mind. Someone can SUPPORT that change, but you, physically, have to initiate it, otherwise it will never change. It's called being a realist.
I can't tell you how many times I've had friends tell me "WHY DID I BREAK UP WITH HIM/HER; THEY WERE ACTUALLY GREAT AND I FEEL SO STUPID FOR LEAVING" etc etc. Remember, you broke up for a reason. Do not lose sight of the reason(s), and move on with your life
Well, it might be all in your head. What exactly has she said about you? How do you know she's saying anything to anyone about you? How long has this alleged "behavior" of hers has been going on? How old are you compared to when all this happened beforehand? These are all very important answers to get to a solution here.
It's been going on for 2-3 years now.
As far as I know she has said what her viewpoint of the situation was, and apparently some stuff to get her cunt friends to snicker when I walk by. Interestingly, some of those cunts used to ask me for help in a previous class. Back then I gave them some nominal amount since I didn't want to seem bitter and it would provide a counterpoint to her claims.
I know one of her male college friends who has likely since dropped out really hated me even though I never spoke to him. He tried to run me over with a bike once a year ago. Luckily he missed.
Last week, I caught one of her friends with my graded homework in her hands when the professor was returning the assignment from last week. She never asked me for help. All she did when I caught her red handed was throw my assignment back in the pile, mumble sorry, then walk away with the cunt in question. I didn't press the matter since I didn't want to make a scene.
Honestly, the whole thing makes me sick.
I'm a relatively young guy (<20). I suffer with haemorrhoids. This time is the worst I've ever had it (I gather it gets progressively worse each time they flare-up). I've already resigned myself to the long-ish wait for natural healing rather than surgery, which could be weeks if not months.
My problem is this. I feel hopeless, ashamed and disgusted. I feel like this isn't common in people my age (especially people who are otherwise fit, dietarily health and slim). I feel that if it came back again in the future, I would still be too much of a coward to seek help (I'm absolutely phobic about the prospect of a doctor near my anus, or having a catheter fitted). All the while my 'junk' back there is going to become a progressively awful mess with the residual effect of each flare-up, offering issues for hygiene and all sorts.
I know this is gross and a bit specialist, I'm sorry for that, so I won't hold out much hope for your response. But if you could say anything to make me feel.. more human, or to help me feel brave enough to one day seek medical help (and the pain or embarrassment that may come with it), I'd be eternally indebted.
I haven't visited that link, but I have a feeling you're baiting me with some kind of insinuation. I should mention that I've never been penetrated, and in hindsight I think the problem first occurred after attempting to lift my 200lb father. Not that that's any excuse, I'm obviously inherently flawed for it to have occurred at all.
cont. from >>15660406
Well, yeah, I do keep somewhat busy. I have different friends come over regularly, and sometimes I'll go out for drinks, or a concert, and I enjoy cooking, but most nights I also like to get high. It's affecting me somewhat, but I like to think my life isn't all that different now apart from my emotional state of mind, and I truly believe that.
The money is already invested. My plan B is to try and live on it (combined with a part-time job or so) on my own since I may also inherit a home someday. If I do that, though, I will have to come to terms with being alone for the rest of my life and having no children, since I wouldn't be at ease with spending all that money being lazy as fuck, setting no example for a kid and leaving him/her nothing.
That's why it's plan B, but I have no plan A whatsoever. None, my studies are progressing very slowly and leave me unfulfilled, and are unlikely to ever get me a job in that field.
most of the reason she broke up with me was because of me being depressed. it wasn't anything she did to me. i've just struggled with depression for most of my life and this is the worst it has ever been. stopped drinking so much and i've been on antidepressants and been seeing a psychiatrist. i just want things to be good again, i guess.
cont. from >>15660680
And now that I think of it, maybe my life should be different. I'm getting older, but nothing seems to change much in my life, and I'm scared it might hit me all at once.
Ignore that other guy, that was unnecessary of him. Now, as it can probably go without saying, I'm not an expert in this field whatsoever.
However, there is no shame in confronting a health issue that's affecting your quality of life. There's nothing embarrassing about it. People have so many things going on with them all the time, it shouldn't make you feel less human.
When the flares up start happening? When did you originally start experiencing this? A lot of the time you'd be surprised how much of it is diet related. Is there any family history of this?
We all experience hemorrhoids to some degree in our lives, some more severe than others. Just be aware when it happens and if you're worried about it, do not be afraid of seeking a specialist. And make sure to voice your concern about your sensitivity and evasiveness to that "area" of your body. They're professionals, they're there to help and make you comfortable. They got a degree to deal with the VERY thing you're suffering with, they chose themselves to deal with people with this problem, so you've got very little to worry about when it comes to be embarrassed.
I had a severe pain in my testicle this past year and had to go to the ER to find out if it was something serious like torsion. I was terrified. I didn't want people seeing my junk. And you know what? A bunch of girls saw my junk, and it wasn't so bad, and everything was okay because it turned out to be nothing. Another story, had a chalazion under my eyelid that wouldn't go away (basically a cyst), looked horrible and was visible. Was terrified of getting the surgery for it because I have a phobia with things near my eyes. Finally worked up the courage, got it done, was over in a minute and a half. eye looks great now, like I never even had it.
It's better to find out what's going on and get piece of mind instead of letting yourself worry and agonize over what will happen.
Thank you so much. Especially given the nature of my plea for advice. You have genuinely made me feel soothed. Therapised! If that is a word. I am human and... you're right, they've probably seen anything I can imagine before. Thanks again, so much.
Well, it's like I've mentioned in this thread before, it's about finding a passion in life. Stop calling yourself worthless, lazy, unfulfilled, etc. That's the cowards way out. It's a state of mind. Your life is so worth living, you just have to explore, discover and find what makes you happy. Film and the arts is something I found I loved and it became my passion. You meet and mix with like minded people being involved in communities of people with the same interests. Things grow, bit by bit, in your life.
Maybe your degree isn't going to be what your passion is, that's for you to find out. But no one can do that for you, you have to discover it for yourself :)
Just keep your head up, everything gets better. You just got to keep living your life. Set mini goals for trying new things, experience new things, don't settle in the same old same old, that's the enemy of progress and ultimately, happiness.
Oops, >>15660825 was in response to >>15660567
For YOUR answer....I mean...they're your friend. Try to get a hold of them, they're either late, stuck in traffic, maybe there's an emergency, I dunno. But if you hang out with this person semi-regularly and this seems out of character, find out what's up. It's only been 10 minutes (I know by the time I got around to answering this it's been longer). Hopefully they've arrived by now lol
It was simply asking to eat with her after not seeing her for a month where I used to see her every day.
I can only work with what I was told, and "uncomfortable" was all I was given.
I'm a college student with 1 more year to go and I don't usually post anything, but what the hell.
I always felt like an awkward person, hard to connect with people, make friends, that kind of stuff. For years, I've tried to better myself, both physically (i'm skinny) and emotionally. But I always fall short and revert to the old mental state...(High on the prospect of a better life-> make some changes -> see some results -> revert to old habits -> bad state of mind -> repeat)
Whatever I read now (self-help ; /fit/ ) I just can't connect because I've read it a million times.
Lately I just feel.... empty without hope.
And I don't even know what I'm asking for.
Well, assuming you weren't creepy about it. She sounds cray dude. Do what I said and start protecting yourself. I mean it sounds like some time has passed and nothing major has happened, so just not make a big deal out of it I suppose and distance yourself from her. She sounds toxic
Haha 1 million people is not a small town bud. I've been to small towns. I've LIVED in small towns. That's designated to a few thousand people. Where exactly do you live that 1 million is considered small? Find out if there's local events, get involved in the community, there's always gatherings and events in a city that size, for sure. Find groups for similar interests as a start. Maybe even do a local dating thing if you're looking to meet people of the opposite sex.
Married to a wonderful gal who is embodies everything I ever wanted in a romantic partner. But she is unstable and probably borderline (clinically, not being sarcastic). This means no kids and I am burnt out. We ahve been together for many years. Then there is another gal I have little in common with but fell for years ago and never got over. We keep in touch and I think she feels the same way. Do I leave a stable marriage to roll the dice on a potentially more fulfilling future? Or stay where I'm at, knowing it will be more predictable, easier in many ways, and but no kids. I think my wife and I have been fighting because we are at the age where you start having kids and we have nowhere to progress.
Thanks Old Soul
I may become a flight surgeon who will be deployed for 6 month intervals. I want to marry this girl but I know she's had a promiscuous past; and gets sexually frustrated easily. Its a deep seated fear I'll be cheated on, its happened to important people around me. How can I cope with this? I already feel like its certain.
Or more optimistically; how can I prevent it?
so what? dudes been giving a lot of good advice, what have you done today faggot?
hey op, my girlfriend has been giving me mixed signals about wanting to get married and being uncertain.....ive been with her for like 3 years now and i dont know how to deal with the idea of her leaving me, im scared, i love her so much, i just feel so helpless, what do i do?
Well, this is a very heavy answer to tackle so, I apologize in advance if you don't get the answer you want or "need".
In my original post, I mentioned my first relationship being a nightmare. The reason was because she had BPD. I dealt with it for 2 years. It was something I was so happy to be without and away from when I finally broke up with her.
Your situation is complicated. You're married and have children. There's commitment involved with the children. Has your wife been properly diagnosed? And I mean by a professional, not by what you may read on the internet? I'm not going to say one way or another to leave someone for someone else when you're in a situation like a marriage with children, there's a lot of things you have to consider before making a decision like that.
Namely, how will it affect the children growing up and their views on male/female figures in their life; how they'll perceive each gender as they grow as a result of a parent's actions. That's a massive thing to consider. Who would have custody? If your wife does have BPD, she would technically be found by the state unfit to raise them on her own or be a guardian because of the mental threat or danger she poses to herself and/or others. Again, I don't know if you're diagnosing her yourself or you mean she's been properly observed, but that's one possibility.
I'm a believer, however, of pursuing what makes you happy and ensuring YOU find what keeps you happy. Now, that doesn't mean keep finding something new all the time after the shiny coat of whatever it is wears off and the novelty is gone, I mean really finding something that's meaningful longterm. You've had babies, that's a pretty big commitment, you can't just up and leave because you THINK another girl might work out.
Comfort is the enemy of progress, however, weighing your risks is also important. How much contact have you had with this other woman?
Well, it starts with exploring and experiencing new things. Find out things happening locally, events, groups, gatherings, things of special interest, things you've never normally do, there's no harm in it.
I've taken classes for things and gone to stuff to experience them. I'm going to go try archery just for the fun of it soon, I've always thought I'd enjoy it. I found out shooting at a gun range is a lot of fun and I'm a dead-eye, it's a fun recreational thing.
Other than that, why do you feel you're a burden to your parents?
Well, let's start with what you know. How long have you been with her? What has happened between you two personally that makes you feel "distrust". It is merely the fact you found out of her past? How long ago was this "past"?
Look, going away for military duty obviously puts a strain on any relationship, but you also should have fears and that sort of thing alleviated by knowing nothing will happen while you're gone, so it's important to know exactly who you're dealing with before making that sort of commitment and then leaving them for months at a time.
You're having reservations because of something else, is there anything more you can elaborate on?
About a year, but its more because of her past rather than anything during. It was just before me.
I suppose the idea of marriage makes me have reservations in general. Also, wondering if I should choose different specialties based off of how much time I would have at home.
Chalk it up to reservations about the uncertainty of the future in general? I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter; its for the potential children that matters regardless of sex in the relationship. I don't believe partnerships last forever but that may be a self-fulling prophecy
Whoooa now, there's a lot to digest here. You're worried about her not being faithful because she's slept around, but she hasn't outwardly given you any obvious signal that she'd be unfaithful other than the fact she gets sexually pent up easily. Any knowledge or way you found out of her "cheating" on anyone before you? My rule of thumb is once a cheater, always a cheater and to not potentially set yourself up for that kind of heartbreak. But again, that's only if there's proof. Otherwise don't worry, she's been faithful to you this whole time.
I think you fear sounds like it stems more from previous experiences. Who around you important has it happened to? Also marriage is kind of a big deal, how old are you? I've never been married but I know for a fact I'm not settling early or marrying anyone until I can without a shadow of a doubt say I know everything I need to know to about the other person to make that kind of decision. To be perfectly honest, a year is not enough time to get to know someone before saying you want to marry them.
If you really like the girl and worry about how your career will affect your chances to be with her/change the dynamic of the relationship, maybe you should consider what other specialties there are in your field so you could have more time at home. Like I said, being apart from someone you care about for an extended period of time is very hard, you've got to consider the options carefully before making a commitment like that.
You really have to decide for yourself what's important to you at this very moment in your life to be able to come to some kind of healthy conclusion based on what I've dissected here. Answers to these questions will probably help me steer you in a better direction.
>Who around you important has it happened to?
parents, few friends; never to me but I guess I'm a pessimist.
She hasn't given outward signs, and hasn't cheated either; which is what makes me so alarmed at my own behavior.
>Also marriage is kind of a big deal, how old are you?
26. We've known each other longer, but haven't been involved till now.
>What's important to you
Honestly, the career is what drove me to become a better person. But I care a lot for her; and I know she wants kids. For whatever reason, I can't imagine having them with anyone but her. She'll be a kickass mom. I feel as though I'd be truly happy with both; and would do what i could to make it work. But the career is so personal to me, I wouldn't be myself without it either, and for some reason I feel like I can't have both.
Well it sounds like you're projecting a bit from past experience onto her. Everyone has a past, so long as she doesn't do something to betray you now, that's what matters. It's a question of whether or not you can handle the fact she had a "promiscuous" life before you that some people wouldn't be able to handle.
Life is really just about finding balance between your career, passion and relationships. If you see something good coming from this, why not take the chance and stay with her? You can have both, you just need to be on the same page as one another and understand what it will take to make it work if both of you really want to make it work.
That's what life is all about bro :)
Lots of contact... It's an emotional (beta-lord) thing, but it's every day. And my wife and I do not have children. My point is I wouldn't bring children into this as our relationship is too tumultuous. When it's good it's good, when it's bad, well you've dealt with it. But I think kids would be a mistake. This other woman I think would be great to have kids with and she has expressed great interest in this.
The boy across the street is lonely and I am lonely, but we'd only have two or three months before he goes back home to the USA. He might come back but maybe not to this exact region. He's one of the few people I've met here who isn't expat garbage.
Is it worth it? I finally got a lot of closure from some bad stuff that happened in my past and I might be ready to feel again.
There's finally no smog (China) so I may ask him to go and star gaze with me tonight, if I can make up my mind.
Just gonna copy paste since i rlly need the advice and am awkward during all social contacts.
I have no friends and no girlfriend since i was 14
(that was when i started to favor gaming over anything else).
Now i am 20 years old and kissless virgin.
How do i start to make friends and be normal now that i completely isolated myself from social activity for years?
For a while I had successfully managed my depression with effexor, but ended up leaving it because I met a girl and found out it had rendered me impotent. I now feel like I've lost every extant scrap of a self I once felt to be full. I cannot relate to people, even though I used to love conversation and socializing, and was actually quite good at them. I cannot concentrate, though I used to be industrious. I am no longer insightful, creative, or intelligent in the ways I seemed to myself before. I cannot speak or write the way I did before. My friends are strangers to me.
But I can't return. I'd rather be dead than resign myself to a eunuch's existence.
I don't know what to do. I'm on 300mg wellbutrin. I exercise. I eat healthfully. Nothing works. The world still feels empty. I feel empty.
What do? Is this the point at which I join the army or something?
I'm fat and with little chance of being with a girl right now, I'm horny all the time, I can't think straight, I get along with my sister, should I propose a fuck buddy relationship? We are both middle aged, oooor I have more to lose than to Win?
It's been a while since I have been on 4chan but I need some advice. I have been with my fiancee for 8 years now and I love him dearly however I have recently had thoughts of sleeping with other men one person in specific and these thoughts sicken me to the core because I would never actually act on these feelings and I honestly believe I am too shy to do so. My fiancee is the only man I have ever slept with and I strongly believe it is just me wanting to spice up our sex life since it has been rather dull lately and I am to blame. I have tried numerous things but I still have these thoughts and recently I have been fantasizing about his Co Worker who he occasionally hangs out with.. I have no interest romantically with this fellow but I am attracted to him and I have been trying constantly to get these thoughts out of my head because I would hate for this nonsense to ruin my relationship. I love my fiancée he has gotten me through tough times and he really is the love of my life he makes me laugh and he is very genuine. I also think the thoughts of his Co Worker have intensified lately due to the Co Worker getting a promotion and he will be traveling abroad for quite sometime and this has caused my fiancée and the Co Worker to be inseparable they are spending time together before he goes and I have been seeing a lot more of this fellow. I hate myself for having these thoughts the other guy is probably not even in to me and to top it off he is actually a here sometimes so I feel like kicking myself for having these thoughts about him. I am not sure what else I can do to rid myself of these thoughts I never thought I would be the type of person to even think of cheating, yet here I am. Please don't shame me. I have not acted yet and I want to stop myself incase the situation may come. Should I tell my fiancee of my thoughts I would like to because we share everything however I don't want to lose him over some stupid thoughts I can't seem to shake.
Ah, my apologies, I misread that post. Forgive me, it was late :)
Well, again, I'll restate what I've said about my dealings with BPD. As far as I was concerned, there is absolutely no choice but to get way from it. I went through two and a half years of absolute hell, and I'm not exaggerating. If you read the extensive stories, accounts and experiences about this mental condition online (as it has been very well documented in the last 10 years especially), you have to contrast that with your own experience and ask yourself if it is really worth it.
Most people with dealing with a lover/spouse with BPD always get affected mentally and emotionally to some degree. A lot suffer from PTSD and triggers after leaving the relationship. It's very debilitating on your state of mind, as people with BPD are very emotionally manipulative. I had some minor PTSD afterwards and I had to overcome it on my own.
Look, your heart doesn't sound in this. If you were excited about the prospect of a future with this girl, you wouldn't be hesitating and looking at someone else as a potential match. You have to be honest and true to your own heart and desires. If she isn't what you want, call a spade a spade, and get out. If this really is BPD, I'm telling you right now, get out while you can, before it's claws dig deep into your psyche. Unless of course having to deal with mental illness is appealing to you, I think I can safely say you are better off. You don't want to reproduce with this woman. You will never, ever escape.
Best of luck
Not all events or classes cost money. There's plenty of things that go on that just ask people to show up and mix and experience things. You could always go online and look up local happenings in your city, there's definitely some resource for that.
Have your parents expressed that they're unhappy with the fact they're paying for you? I've known a lot of people that feel guilty that their parents are supporting them when in fact, their parents are more than happy to be supporting them because they want their children to have a prosperous future with potential.
Maybe you're projecting too much and being too hard on yourself?
Well, what have you got to lose? Make a new connection! There's no harm is striking up a conversation. Just go for it, there's nothing at stake, who knows, maybe you'll make a new connection :)
I apologize for the potential wall of text; I've had a lot on my mind lately. Pic unrelated.
I've been out of the game for a while, /adv/. I was always an outcast in school. At any given time I could count the number of friends I had on one hand, rarely more than that. I carved out a niche for myself as a bright, rebellious little clown. Everyone saw the guy who won "longest-haired guy" every year at the homecoming pep rally, most knew of me, many were entertained by me, very few personally knew me, and even fewer still found reason to like me. As you could imagine, graduation hit me pretty hard. I went from having a captive audience to none at all. Loneliness drives you mad. You go for so long without meaningful human interaction, and at some point you start talking to yourself, you start creating people to talk to, you even start mentally fabricating interactions with real people. I sought refuge in various drugs. Nothing hard, mainly just psychedelics, and to a degree they helped, just not in the ways I needed most. I couldn't cry on a blunt's shoulder, or talk about life plans with mushrooms. It was just a coping mechanism, mainly, until I dropped acid one evening a few weeks ago.
The next morning I woke up and didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until I went to work, that I realized how different things were for me. I was making eye contact, I was engaging with customers, I was sympathetic to their needs and desires, it was all out of character for me.
And then she walked in. She felt like a breath of fresh air sweeping through the store. I was drawn to her. We chatted for a bit, introduced ourselves, things atypical for customer interactions. Then she asked for an application, and my heart sank a bit. We don't keep applications in store. We generally tell applicants to go to the website, print it, fill it out, and come back. I decided to go the extra mile for her and print one myself. She was qualified; she was working at another location nearby, but hated her manager and how things were run. So I put a bug in the managers' ears, and she got the job. I was happy.
We've worked together a few times, and I really opened up to her, something I probably wouldn't have done to anyone earlier this year. We talked about anything, family issues, music, vidya, life plans, you name it. We have so much in common. I finally feel like somebody gets me. An entire shift goes by quickly with her around.
However, there are a couple issues:
1. She's a 17 year old junior in HS, and I'm 21. She'll be 18 in October.
2. She has a boyfriend.
2.1 Her boyfriend applied to our place of work, at a time where we need more employees.
2.2 My brother (also works with us) has hated him since middle school.
3. Workplace relationships are against company policy.
4. I haven't had any sort of girlfriend since 2011, haven't dated since 2012.
How to pursue a girl who might still be a little cross with how you acted?
Looking at other girls in front of her
We're not dating
I was a bit abundant (exaggerating) in my attentions towards other girls after she initiated touching my hand
I then disengaged eye contact with her
She was working
Some friends and I were eating at their establishment
A few people wandered past
Nah, I usually go out to meet up with friends
I don't want to be that person that has a roving eye, is it too late already>?
Can you tell me a bit more about why you isolated yourself and have kept away from people? Something happened here.
I'll say what I've said to others. Look up local activities and happenings. Find out group events, take a class in something you wouldn't normally consider doing, try new things. Get out there and don't be so worried about things, just try things out and you'd be surprised who you come across. Everyone in those situations is there for the same reason, to mix and meet with others too. You're in the same boat :)
Well, this sounds like more of a state of mind more than anything, because by telling yourself "I can't do this, I've lost that" etc, I used to do the same exact thing. The SAME exact thing. I used to be on an anti-depressant in my teens (Zoloft) due to a lot of emotional things piling up during that period. I was also prescribed Xanax for when I had panic attacks and Ambien to help me sleep at night.
Instead of tackling my depression and understanding the root of what had caused it, the pills and medication became a crutch of tranquilizing it and essentially, proloning the suffering. It made me dependent on the idea of needing them to function or to get back to "normal", and that this was just part of the process.
It wasn't. I wasn't confronting first hand what drove me this state. Now, there ARE people who do in fact need certain medications due to major chemical imbalances in their body. But a lot of people that get prescribed aren't these cases. I was one of those. Which brings me back to my original point. It sounds more like things you're telling yourself and believing instead of things that are physically debilitating and perpetual.
The fact you can process and acknowledge that there's "something" wrong is evident that you can also solve it by beginning to reinforce that attitude that, just maybe, there isn't anything wrong with you.
You need to take stock in what is/or, as you described, "was" important to you, and start asking when it changed? Then you can get to why. A lot of your pre-occupying thoughts have probably perpetuated this negative attitude outwardly. Something, at some point, tipped and changed your mindset. Can you elaborate more?
So anon. On Wednesday I apply to a bunch of place for work and I haven't heard back from them. grunted, their have been two public holidays on Saturday and Monday but I'm worried that they won't hire me. should I call them and talk to them?
Well, it's understandable that the feeling of loneliness creates the sense of hopelessness. However, given this situation, I think there's several things you should do for yourself that would help greatly before we get into the lovely girl that walked into your store.
1. Stop idealizing the past. I call it Uncle Rico syndrome to friends I tell about this. The past is done, you have fond memories of it, and that's great. Don't ever forget them. However, do not think that because high school is over your life is over.
2. There has to be various outlets you haven't even begun to consider yet to mix with people. What are some of your interests? There's always local groups and gatherings and things going on that you can find out about and go to. Go to them! You'll be in the company of like minded people and find new people to involve in your life and have around to appreciate you for exactly what you are. Don't be afraid, life is about taking risks, if you feel alone, this is one of the first things you should consider doing.
Now, about the girl. If she has a boyfriend, all bets are off. That doesn't mean you can't still develop a good friendship with her and still being great and close. You don't know what the future holds so always play your cards right and always consider many possibilities.
She's a 17 year old with a boyfriend. That isn't going to last, so consider what I said, you may have a chance in the future before you know it. Also, if workplace relationships are against company policy, how does her boyfriend expect to get a job at the same place you both work?
Also, in the interim, have you tried any dating sites or services to just talk to other girls? Don't get into the "one-itis" mentality. Never put all your eggs in one basket and play the waiting game hoping this girl works out. Always have options. You should start feeling better if you start opening all these outlets for yourself I've talked about :)
Question, do you like the girl in question? Like, really like her? If you're not dating, she doesn't really have a right to be upset. She probably feels a bit jealous that your attention is currently else where when it's pretty certain she wants your attention on her.
Just strike up conversation like you normally would with her, test the waters, and ask her out however comfortable. There's nothing to it, if you're really interested, show some interest, see if she reciprocates, and go from there :)
So I have been with my current and first GF for about a year now. She's great and all, and some days I feel like I could marry her...but I have lingering doubts, some of which are valid ,and some of which are selfish
She is mainland chinese, and I am your average white guy. I can't stand her parents (stereotypical chinese nouveau riche nasty people). And I honestly want someone with bigger boobs and longer legs. And I can't stand her telling me how to live my life, as I call it. I know it sounds horrible, but if I have kids I kinda want to have them with a somewhat more physically fit/attractive person. She is really weak, and can't take any hardship, and that bothers me.
But she really gets me, and honestly is a solid 7-8/10. I just want to experience the world, and not settle down with my first gf, no matter how emotionally attracted to her I am. and it's tearing me apart. about to graduate college btw
I'm not sure what I am doing with my life, and well, I dunno. just needed to get this off my chest.
General rule of thumb is to call them and ask for say, the manager or whoever goes over resumes or clears applicants. If they were recently hiring it never hurts to remind them about your existence, it shows you're proactive and that actually helps you get noticed.
Just keep in mind if they said at the interview we'll let you know/say on the phone they'll let you know, don't push it. It never hurts though :)
Generally, what you're feeling is natural. Very rarely does anyone settle for the first person they ever start a relationship with. If you're feeling strongly about what you're describing now, they won't go away, it turns into resentment. Look, all of my GFs "got" me too. That should be the standard by which you start or entertain the idea of a relationship. There were things, however, that I wanted that they weren't, as well.
My first girlfriend was pretty, nice body, had a lot of the same interests. Problem? She was absolutely crazy and it was unmanageable long term.
Second girlfriend? She was cute, super petite, really girly-girl, very fashion conscious. Problem? I wish she had a bigger chest, and she was very immature emotionally, had things she needed to overcome and projected too much onto others. Bit of a rough home life, interfered way too much with everyday normal life.
Third girlfriend? Lots and lots in common, very sweet, caring, nurturing person. Problem? She never cleaned her house and wasn't very tidy. She was overweight, she had no sense of style, wasn't very feminine. I felt like I was dating a lesbian. I felt a bit embarrassed to be seen with her in public.
The lesson from this is, you need to determine what are the most important qualities in a mate for you; things you NEED to be happy. With anyone you can find something to nit pick about. You need things that are deal breakers, stuff you desire because it's what you're hardwired to want.
I can't decide for you either way, because everyone will always think the grass is always greener on the other side, but from your apprehension about things, it sounds like you need some more experience with what's out there to better shape an idea of what you need in a lover.
Thanks for your reply dude
I think I do like her, but why would she be upset? She's been acting not as friendly as she used to be; the next morning when i went back to their eatery, she didn't even smile at me
Why does she want my attention?
I've been kinda wary though, what if she likes the attention? and me as a customer?
My issue might not be as serious as other people's here, but I wanted to shave my head when I turn 19. However, because I'm a female and because my mother is an ultimate femanazi (and I depend on keeping her happy until I can find my own place with my friend), its very difficult. Many other people in my friend group are even saying I would regret it. Never have I regret cutting my hair before, and I dread having long hair. Its, again, pretty stupid predicament I'm in but they're bringing me down about it and I always wanted to do this, and they're making me have second thoughts. What do?
Hi Old Soul.
I'm rather happy with my current occupation, but my parents are not. They are constantly pressuring me to continue with masters, or leave for something with a better pay. My current job's pay is not exactly high. Probably just enough for a single life if I'm alone, in which I am happy enough.
As a little history, I was abused by my parents when I was small. So all there is for my parents is probably a thin layer of respect. I also slipped into depression about ten years ago when I broke up with my then partner. Parents and friends were not exactly helpful, and I resorted to self harming, to be able to, what I would say, keep myself sane. In about two to three years, I stopped self harming and started living life a little more positive.
Recently I have signed up for a part time work, as a shot at getting more money. What is promised is just shares, as the work has yet to be profitable. This work takes a toll on me, as I need to dedicate time for it after work, and sometimes the weekends. This, added with the parents factor mentioned, is driving me into depression again.
I'm a little lost at what to do. At this moment, it is wrong, I know, but suicide sounds like a viable option.
I've been with my first bf for 2 years bow and the honeymoon phase ended a month ago. I dont get the same sparks and excitement as i used to and because of it i constantly question my feelings for him. One second ill be happy and then the next worried that my feelings are fading. But then when i think about leaving him i begin to feel afraid...like i still want him in my life and i hate myself for feeling like this. I can still say i love him and i really want to stop feeling this way and have all the excitement i used to have back. What should i do? Is this the beginning of the end or not?
Girls are like that, they see a guy they like, they want to be noticed. Guy doesn't notice her, girl gets upset/frustrated.
Another thing would be not to overthink it too. If you like her, do as I proposed before and try to just strike up a convo casually and see where it goes. People working in establishments like food etc get approaches more often than you know. If she already showed some interest, no harm in just talking to her. See where it goes!
I don't think it's idealizing the past. It's recent memory, and schooling is the bulk of my life experience at this point. I thought it would be good to disclose as a measure of who I am as a person. And looking back the memories aren't that fond to begin with.
A lot of my interests aren't people centered. History is my main passion. I could get lost in a museum for hours, and not have to say one word. I've created entire worlds inside my mind, thousands of years of history to go with them, but when it comes to sharing that, there's just a roadblock. I'm more of a listener, really. And to a degree she seems to be the same way. Much of what I've gathered from her is fairly similar to what I've been telling you about me. Two listeners in a store alone will find the words to say, though.
I have used dating sites in the past. While it was fun for a while, it just didn't sit too well with me in the end.
As for her boyfriend, currently I'm the only one in the workplace she's told, because I recognized the name on the application and the conversation unfolded, and I told my brother. If the manager found out, it may end up burning me. I'm not going to tell, nor my brother. And I'm certain they wouldn't tell. Their secret is as good as safe from what I can see.
To tie in the HS bit, everything fell apart because all of the connections I made were shallow and fleeting. I had no drive to form deep connections with them, because I was content with my audience level approach to human interaction. Now I'm not, thanks in part I guess to an acid-fueled epiphany. But I guess growing up had a lot more to do with it. I look at femanon, and 5 years ago I probably would have said "I want her to love me", but now the way it seems formulated in my mind, it's more of an "I want to invest myself in this person, and have a positive impact on her life". It makes me feel human. It's just bit nerve-wracking not being able to see clearly from the first five steps of this journey.
Thanks Old Soul
I've had some convos with her, asking how her day/how her weekend was, and what she suggests as things to try out. she'll sometimes ask me, sometimes not
But they've been superficial, how would i go about creating deeper connections with her?
I dunno if she's interested in me or just wants me around as a customer, but they don't get tips or anything like that
She's given me some hints, but nothing very blatant
What I did was about 2 weeks ago, and she wasn't as friendly last week lel
I guess the first question is to ask why exactly would you like to shave your head in the first place?
I'm not here to pass judgement one way or another, but you also have to consider the world we live in and the day and age in which we exist, where everyone judges everything and anything you do.
Subconciously, you may or may not be aware that it's a form of rebellion, considering you've described your mom as a femanazi, it sounds like you're from a controlling environment, so what better way to rebel than doing something she won't approve. Am I onto something?
Consider what doors your actions may open and potentially close by doing this action. I'm not trying to sway you either way, but with any choice you should weigh the pros and cons and decide if it's really worthwhile, and find something justifiable for following through with it.
Doing it "just because" others say you shouldn't isn't really a good reason. Doing it BECAUSE you want to express yourself, that's your choice, no one else's, ya know? :)
I'm not going to really get into this other than if you're considering or even entertaining the idea suicide you NEED to talk to a professional about it. This is not something that is debatable. You need to seek the guidance of someone who will help you through this.
All the best
So let's start at the beginning of this. Is there anything that might have triggered this beyond the end of the "honeymoon" phase? If this is your first relationship, and your feelings aren't there anymore, that's also a natural thing.
The majority of "first boyfriend/girlfriend" experiences do not lead to a life together. It's just not how life works. Your mind wants you to experience more of what's out there, that's a perfectly natural thing. That doesn't mean you need to be with like a bunch of people but, I'm assuming you're young, so, it's a normal part of life to be over a first relationship if your heart's not in it anymore.
The real question is, do you have any reason other than just being bored to want to end the relationship? Have you talked about how you're feeling with your boyfriend? You'd be surprised how much talking openly about your feelings can solve these kinds of things. If you can't be open and honest with each other, the relationship isn't going to last anyway. Just be relaxed about it and discuss these things, you might just find that spark again :)
I am with my girlfriend since 2,5 years. We are really happy together, sex life is good, she was not really demanding at first, but now she is more kinky. I'd say we both have changed according to each other during those 2 years.
But this year, she made a new superbestfriend (male). She used to talk alot with him (i know him, is a nice guy, have a girlfriend that i met, and he is a really interesting guy).
The problem is, i am facing a lot of insecurity since i am away from her for my internship. As she is really alone at home, she tends to go out more with her classmates (which is normal i guess), but have stayed a lot more longuer with this guy talking about a lot of personal subject.
We talked about that relationship, she told me that she effectively felt "attraction" few times while with him, but also that "she had well enough occasion to cheat on me" if she wanted to while i am away. But she say she didn't do anything, and i trust her. We talked to each others, she said she is faithfull "not because she have to but because she want to be with me".
WHY, for god sake, am i feeling THAT insecure, knowing that we love each other so much?! It is like two part of my brain was fighting over this question!! One part know for sure she is faithfull, the other try to convince me that i will be hurted.
ps : Obviously, my past relationship ended up pretty badly with my ex cheating with some strangers for money...
I'll give this a shot since I got nothing to lose other than time. I'm a 23 year old depressed outgoing introvert who's been frustrated most of his life. I've been both okay and not okay with being alone because I get depressed and get anxiety sometimes but I also hate when I go out sometimes too because I like being in a more private environment when I'm with people. I sit here regretting most of the times I failed to take opportunities whether it was with school, work, girls, life choices, etc. which frustrates me. One day, I hit it off with a girl who I work with that makes me happy because we share a lot in common and we just naturally talk about personal stuff sometimes. Problem is whenever she talks about personal stuff its usually about her exes and it makes me uncomfortable because of how often she brings it up. Her exes have been abusive but she still seems like she has feelings for them. She already knows how I feels but I did tell her to be open about anything since I'm chill about most stuff. She also says she cares about me but isn't ready for a relationship. It's starting to drive me nuts but I want to move on to invest my time and money with someone new but I hate going back to being alone. I don't know what to do.
Have you tried writing? You're describing the kind of inner workings a creative or expressive person, and the way their mind works. These "worlds" you create in your mind, put them on paper! Use your own expression to bring it out. It's therapeutic, and it's fulfilling when you get into a rhythm.
You're just really going through a transitional period is sounds like and becoming highly aware of where your focuses and priorities should be in life. It's okay your connections "fell apart" with people in HS, most people are pretty shallow if you're a critically thinking mind that observes and dissects what is around them. The fact you see yourself wanting to invest and make positive impacts on people around you is a sing of maturity :)
Well, if she's working for tips, she's superficially friendly to make money, but seeing as she DOESN'T work for tips, she's probably trying to keep customers happy. Girls in those establishments do that to everyone. Like I said, don't overthink it. If she's working, she's busy working a room for her job so don't take too much of her time up. Just keep being a regular and trying to strike up convos however natural to you. Don't be afraid. If she doesn't reciprocate, don't worry about it. But don't be afraid of like asking for her number after a few times :)
Hey Old Soul this is my first time ever asking for advice about this problem so go easy on me (unless going hard is part of the solution). I was raised by a single working mother and I had no siblings so she doted on me a lot. Whenever I interacted with other kids she would always ask them to be friendly with me; which, maybe is a normal thing for a mother to do. However, whenever I saw that my friends were being asked to be friends with me I felt that our friendship was not genuine. Ever since then I've had doubts about friends and had trouble making them.
So I have two questions:
1. Was my mother's nurturing unintentionally detrimental or am I being overly critical?
2. Whether or not the first question is either or answers I still have a hard time making friends due to my over thinking. How do you think I can make friends genuinely?
Well you sort of answered your own question a bit. I experienced the same insecurities with one of my girlfriends due to an ex having cheated on me (emotionally and, most likely physically with more information I uncovered).
It shakes your confidence for sure, and trust me, I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. However, if you two are both on good terms, you communicate a lot about each others feelings and don't face any major issues, you should take solace in the fact that your girl is probably faithful. Don't turn into one of those people that has to start going through all of their lovers stuff to find something to prove their worst fears. It'll destroy you inside and you'll keep looking trying to find something.
Take things at face value until she gives you a real reason to be worried. Unless there's other stuff going on here that you didn't describe, just keep talking to her. Express to her things that make her feel good, keep that alive, don't let your insecurities project into the relationship, otherwise you can start creating a self fulfilling prophecy and end up affecting your relationship.
Everything will be fine bud, if she cheats, then you leave, nothing lost. Someone worth keeping wouldn't do that to someone they care about, and it's better they would be out of your life if that happened. But that's not the case, so you're good :)
I will tell you now, if you let yourself be emotionally available for a girl to basically be her emotional tampon, she will never date you. It's just a thing. And this is especially true if the girl brings up exes that were abusive. This is someone that doesn't make good choices clearly and keeps making the same mistakes by continuously getting involved with people that are bad for her.
She's talking to you for guidance as to how her life could be so terrible, and I'm more than willing to bet you she's going to go and make the same mistake again. Make yourself less available, be in control of when and where you hang out, you set the standard and precedent. You being the one that is in control, not her, turns the tide and will potentially turn things around. I'm not saying be a jerk about it, but girls will use guys in your position to "be" there for them when they need it, and then go off when they're not with you and do the same exact thing they come to talk to you about.
If this is driving you nuts now, it may be a sign you're avoiding something worse in the future. I know starting over sucks, it's draining and upsetting. But it's a part of life. People come and go in your life all the time, if you accept the fact that starting over is a natural, and also necessary part of life, you'll realize it's not so bad, and you get better and better at it.
Basically look at it this way, you can't wait around while someone figures out their life. You have to live yours, and pursue what you desire and makes you happy. If she wants you, you'll know. Until then, I'd suggest taking opportunities to force yourself out there a bit more and meet some girls in the interim. Tell her about the fact you're going out with some people, see how she reacts. Girls do get attracted to what they can't have, it's gotten me to get a girl I've wanted more times than I can count :)
Well, if she seems to be treating you differently I'd say just casually ask her for her number so you guys can get something to eat outside work sometime, don't make a big deal out of it, just be friendly and nice about it. What's the worst that could happen? :)
I'm trying to fully understand this scenario. Your mother asked kids to be friendly or to be friends with you worrying that you wouldn't make friends on your own? I don't know much beyond what you described about your relationship with your mother, so I can't really make a call on your first question.
However, I suppose the real solution is this, don't overthink things. Easier said than done, I know. I tend to overthink a lot of things on the daily, and let it hold me back sometimes. Sometimes I believe I have pretty bad OCD with how I will obsess and overthink scenarios. But you have to remind yourself that you are in fact, overthinking things sometimes and that whatever you might be agonizing about may just actually be a lot more straightforward than you think :)
So, where to start? You must have some interests, hobbies, something you can share a common interest with in others? Have you tried looking up local groups and gatherings for some of your interests? Maybe taken the opportunity to go to some events where people gather to meet others, cooking, art classes, etc? That's always a fun, easy going atmosphere to start, because everyone there is there for the same reason, to meet new people and make friends! There's nothing to overthink there, that's for sure.
You make friends genuinely by not worrying about making friends. They just sort of happen when you put yourself out there, just don't be afraid and not let something potentially good happen to you, that's pretty much all there is to it. You just gotta take that first step and put the effort into changing things in your life that you want to change :)
Good feelings? As in, this person has explicitly told you this? Or you're just feeling it?
Well, what does it feel like to you? How do you feel knowing she does? Do you like her? Is she single? If yes to both, maybe reciprocate some of those feelings :)
Really comes down to looking at it on a situation by situation basis. My rule is that I only move as fast or as comfortable for me given the direction I see dating going with a girl.
If you're dating a girl who's dating multiple people, then maybe not ramping up your game to show you're a better pick might be the only time "moving too slow" would be a problem. Then again, what's the point of rushing? If you're looking for a relationship, you should totally take your time to get to know the other person
If they hold that against you, well, that's their loss :)
How often does she see you come in? You ever talk to her? This is Starbucks I'm assuming. Sometimes baristas do it as a nice gesture to keep customer loyalty and keep you coming back because they're pretty cool like that. My ex was a district manager and told me about what corporate recommends they do to surprise customers like that.
Hell, I get free drinks all the time at one near me because the folks working there are cool and we've chatted each other up. Or, maybe she does in fact, like you. Just playfully bring it up next time and see what she says if you're interested in her. I'm assuming you like her, eh? :)
Mostly 2-3 times a week and sometimes I try to converse with her to ask how she's been. She'll use the exact same wording as mine sometimes
They're a smaller independent place, so dunno how they manage that; she asked if i wanted the freebie then immediately handed the thing back to me lel
Dunno, would it be a sign that she may be interested? lol
I'm in a LDR and my boyfriend's communication is seriously lacking. we started dating 4 months ago but he's wanted to date me for 2 years now. And now the feelings are so real and his heart seems to be in it but he doesn't prioritize me at all. He''ll go days without responding to my messages and he isn't good with talking about my emotional trauma I've experienced.
Our relationship is perfect when we are physically together, but if it only works when we're physically together I can't help that it's not real bc I know how attracted he is to me and the sex is also great.
I really felt like this about a month ago and told him we need a break to reevaluate our relationship. We took a break for almost 2 weeks and then things were great again until they weren't bc it only helped for a little bit. Yet he genuinely thinks he could marry me and I do feel like he's my soulmate but idk if he's good for me and what I need esp. bc I've been thru some life trauma that has left me with some bad emotional issues so I feel I need a lover that I can depend on and lean on.
As someone who is in love, what should I do I'm sooo confused pls help!!!!
tl;dr 21 year old bastard here with no motivation to do anything. I do drugs too much, and I isolate myself even though I don't want to.
>finished high-school almost 2 years ago
>take a year off, just working and doing whatever, living at home
>apply for bachelor in engenieering in town A
>one day m8 ask if I want to go to Cuba with him and study philosophy and spanish
>go there january 2014
>14 ppl in class, all from same country
>1 girl start flirting with me
>i hear from someone else she is in a relationship 1 year strong
>don't do nothing, just hangs around her 'cause she's cool as fuck
>never met someone so perfect, start to devellop feelings
>eventually start flirting back, we get together
>life is perfect for 3 weeks
>apply for french year-study in town B where this girl is from
>she starts feeling wrong about what we're doing, so no more relationship but hangs around her so i'm not going crazy
>get to february, get home
>do shit everyday all summer so I don't think about her
>august 2014 i move to town B
>the course is waaaay to tough for me, don't remember shit from high-school
>fall behind on the french-part of class
>mfw 100% of classes are 100% in french
>think about grill way too much, get really sad
>go from smoking a joint every 2 weeks to smoke a joint a day just to not feel like shit and to forget about her
>get's out of hand, stop going to school after a few months, just fuck around
>been ~3 months since I've been to class, doomed to fail all classes
>not motivated to work out anymore
pic related, how I see our modern society and why I'm starting to dislike people
>take lsd / similar substance every 2 weeks atleast
>smoke weed 2-3 times a week
>because of lsd I start to turn slightly into a misanthrope because of all the things i've realized
>surrounded by so many stupid rich people who never talks about real stuff and just talk about what others did and all that
>start to get desparate, I want someone to love and who loves me. I need affection basicly
>have this habit of choosing weed / lsd over social interraction (even though I love being social), sometimes I choose to not do anything over being social.
>I've gotten really bad at answering when people call me just because I don't want to talk
>let many hours pass before answering to texts 40% of the time
Seems sucky, but from 1-10 on the "I'm happy with myself"-scale, I'm on a 6/7. But what REALLY bothers me is that I got no motivation to do important stuff. I play bass daily and go out on long walks and shoot pictures 3-4 times a week and still hang with people every weekend, but it feels like I' just slipping into a hole where there is no motivation, laziness, a littlebit of misanthropy and a whole lot of illogical dessicions.
Got any advice?
Hard to tell from the way you're describing it. My guess is going to be she's just making friendly conversation because it's probably what they're instructed to do. If you think there's interest, you should ask her to lunch or something :)
So there's a lot of stuff at play here. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of emotional trauma are we talking here?
I'm going to say from experience, and from close friends and acquaintances experiences, unless you're a couple that's been well established with each other before being long distance from each other, LDR's never work. Four months, realistically, isn't enough time passed to put that kind of strain on the relationship emotionally.
Given the fact you're describing emotional vulnerability, you're probably experiencing/dreading some kind of fear of abandonment and you require reassurance and consistent gratification. Are you sure you're not just worrying that he's not responding "immediately" to your texts or when it's convenient to you? Sometimes people are busy
Assuming there is a serious communication issue, the only way you two are going to maintain this is by talking more to each other, hashing these issues out and being open about everything.
Here's the thing too, and it's something it took me a long time to understand. You don't "need" someone that you can depend on and lean on to deal with all your emotional bouts. You shouldn't require a mate or boyfriend to have to be the one to tackle that. Everyone has their own issues, their own problems, etc, and it's your responsibility to keep them in check and deal with them. Your lover should provide the right kind of support and care in times of need, but do NOT expect or demand another person to take on someone else's baggage unless they're outright saying they want to (which I can't think of a realistic instance where this would happen). I'm not saying you're a bad person for thinking this way, I'm merely saying it's an unfair thing to require of someone else when it's your battle.
Again, if this is a big enough issue to you and it means a lot to you, then you should both talk to each other openly about how and why it effects you, and the types of things you need to be happy.
well, she does things without really needing to or ensures i'm not burned by the food, is glad that i've got an umbrella on hand when it's raining and stuff like that
there's this other chick there that i kinda glance over briefly, after having done so, this girl will immediately start a conversation with the other chick or eye me in a funny way
it means i'm probably gonna get 2 free coffees now
Hello Old Soul
I just want a little bit of advice as I can't really get it from anyone close to me.
I've been dating this girl for a bit over a year now that I met in a college course. We get along very well, rarely fight, and hangout like bestfriends would. Sex is great and I really have no complaints about us relationship wise. But I'm really starting to realize she just isn't the girl for me (or so I think).
My biggest problems with her are that she worries WAY too much, has a lack of self esteem (Even after being a cheerleader in highschool and dancing her whole life), gets overly stressed about the smallest things, and depends heavily on others. I try to teach her how to cook eggs (because she has no clue how to even cook) and after I let her try she just gives up and asks me to do it. I'm very patient with her, but she has no self-determination to overcome challenges such as these. And because she stresses so much, she literally gets A's in all of her courses, but at the same time will go into ultra-stress mode whenever a big assignment comes up. Also, studying/school is pretty much her only hobby besides going to the gym daily. That's great and all, but I'm starting to get uninterested with the fact that she has nothing else going on ever. The dependence thing is what really kills me, as I can never just take her to the beach and go surfing for an hour or two without her complaining afterwards that I'm selfish and should be spending time with her. Because how she was raised, shes so dependent upon other people that she literally treats me as a bestfriend that is attached to her hip. I've brought these things up in the past, and still continue to hint at them, but I just don't think she will ever change.
If Im going to be honest, I dont see myself ever marrying this girl because I dont think she would ever be the mother that I want for my kids.
Here is where the predicament begins: Im already locked into a fully paid trip to Europe with her 2016 summer.
First simple bit of advice? Stop using hard drugs. That stuff is rewiring your brain and screws with the chemicals in your head, which is probably a big part of what's making you depressed.
That's what those drugs do man. The other thing that I typically recommend is when you're down, you do a stock check of everything that matters in your life. Things that you care about, and you write them down. You write them down and remind yourself constantly when you feel yourself getting down what is still good, things you can count on, people you can count on.
Then you make a list of things and goals you want to achieve. Big goals, and mini goals, ones more easily doable and don't seem so herculean. Getting out of a funk is a matter of perspective, and taking control of your life instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Start making goals for yourself and forcing yourself to be a self starter. Want to get in shape? Look up regimens online to get you started, and don't overdo it immediately. Build up into it, and get a schedule going. Anything you want to do, you have to remind yourself life really isn't all that bad, people come and go, things change, but you're still here, and you've still got a lot of fun things to experience and achieve in life :)
Need a bit more perspective but....sounds....kinda weird, honestly. Either she's a really bad texter, or maybe she's not interested? It's too little to go off of from what you told me to really give any meaningful input :/
She herself said that we are still going together regardless of if we are together still. That's not what I want though. Would you suggest that I just ride it out for another year until after the trip, and then talk things out with her? As of right now, I'm not unhappy and wanting to break up with her, but if we weren't locked into this Europe trip I would definitely consider breaking things off in the next 3-4 months.
I absolutely love this girl, and really wish our relationship could just be turned into a friendship. But we are way beyond that. This is my first ever serious relationship and I just don't know how to end things properly. I know that I could ride it out for another year, as I'm definitely happy with this girl and our relationship, but I know that I need to eventually break things off because this girl isn't "the one" for me.
I mean....it COULD....but, so could anything. I'm gonna need more info about what exactly you think is the link toward your behavior and what kind of abuse you're referring to (only if you're comfortable, you don't have to go into detail).
Well, like I said, don't overthink it! Just keep striking up casual conversations with her, start building up a nice rapport and when it feels right, ask her for her number or out to lunch or something. It's as easy as that :)
I'm struggling to come to terms if my bf finds me attractive. He never compliments me but will day how pretty a girl at his work is. I did ask him why and he said he didn't feel the need to call me attractive and didn't want to inflate my ego.
But he was looking at girls who he used to like the other day -on my laptop, just their photos and just those girls. no one else. This was after I brought up the fact he doesn't compliement me.
Last night he comes home from work and says he's not in the mood for anything sexual. But I'm leaving for a holiday for a week the next day, I'm a little taken aback but ok. Later that night when we've gone to bed im going through instagram and a video of a girl deep throatig a banana plays. He sees this and his engine is revved and he wants to fool around.
I can't do it, and simply tell him no, which is extremely odd for him as im the one with the much higher libido. But he does keep trying to no avail. But I couldn't help it, I felt like he saw that video and just wanted to use me. I don't have any issues of him watching porn or anything like it but I do have a problem if I he doesn't find me attractive and I can't stir arousal in him.
I was intending on him on meeting him in bed dressed sexily but too much was weighing on my mind and what if I did this and he wasn't interested? It would have been a massive blow. This is bothering me and giving me an insecurity I never had.
I know I'm an attractive girl and others compliement him on me when we go out or his work mates tell him frequently. But he doesn't ever compliement me himself..
I did ask him last night out of interest which he finds more important a partners face or their body. He answered body but said that my face is better than body as it is gorgeous. But it did make me wonder if that meant he didn't like my body and if it puts him off. Which is just something I've never had, guys and girls have alway complimented for it..
I hate feeling like this, and it just feels like a cycle now. I haven't shown it but part of me feels like I want to hide myself away i don't feel good enough and feel almost rejected in a way.
Can anyone help?
(Sorry for all the text I just needed to vent too)
Tl;Dr: my serious boyfriend doesn't compliement and starting to wonder if he doesn't find me sexually attractive.
To start off, let me say it's very good that you're already in the mindset of acceptance that this isn't the person you want to be with or marry and you're being honest with yourself and your feelings instead of thinking you're trapped because of how much time you've spent with her.
Realistically, from what you've described, your mind is made up. If you've had conversations and have had an extended amount of time pass allowing for the possibility of change, and she hasn't, chances are things aren't going to change. The main discrepancy here sounds like she thinks everything's fine and wants to be in this relationship, and you don't.
Secondly, if you're unhappy, you're under no obligation to "see" something through because someone else declared that something is going to happen whether you like it or not. This upcoming trip, is there ANY possibility of getting a refund? If it's a year out I can't see why not.
I think at the very least, so she doesn't get blindsided, if you're heart and mind is made up, you should have a conversation with her about how you're feeling and why you want things to end. She will inevitably want you to stay and try to convince you to, and you have to be ready for that. But based on what you're telling me, by staying in this relationship any longer, you're burning daylight, and you could both be spending that time moving on with your lives and, potentially, open the door to find a better match.
You need to confront him about it. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do based on the behavior you've described. The best thing you can do is understand that there isn't anything wrong with you, and if you're insecure about something, you should take steps to overcome it to feel better about yourself for YOU, not anyone else.
It's like when people say they want to work out to get others to check them out. That's nice and all, but you should want to do that for you. To feel better about your body. To get healthier. The rest of that stuff just comes with the territory.
But I think you should bring this up in some way, it's not fair. Not wanting to compliment someone because it might "inflate your ego" is a bs excuse. If you think your bf/gf is sexy, you tell them because you want them to know.
OR, take a play out of his book. Talk about how handsome/sexy a guy you saw today was. See how he reacts, my guess is not well. Then you can play the other card :)
You gotta do you, girl. Currently, do not rely on this person for reassurance. Do things you want to do to make yourself feel better about your self image, like exercise, eating healthy, being outdoors etc. But this needs to be talked about out in the open with him. It's not cool what he's doing.
if your still around old soul
so post story for some insight i had to leave the country in 8th grade and came back when i was 19 so i didn't make as many friends or date my last gf was in 8th grade i had never asked a girl out most girls would ask me or tell a friend
i started working at a new job there was a girl lets call her BRE and we didn't really talk for almost 8 months she is also shy just the occasionally, find out her other friend likes me and i tell her i actually like BRE she is cool with it and helps me out with her BRE who has also had a crush on me for a while i man up and just ask her out we started out slow because she was real reserved me having no experience had a factor in it to so i wouldn't know what to talk about or if she was ok with me holding her and kissing her and we actually talked about it and she said she didn't mind so i would hold her and kiss sometimes but not as much as i wanted too because i guess i was chicken
so this month i quit that job for a new one closer and school we still talked a bit but we where drifting the last day we went out was a double date with her cousin which was the first time she introduced a family member i felt good
after we didn't see or talk for 20 days just 3 txt so our last convo went like this
me hey theres something i want to talk to you about
her yeah me too
me so where on the same page its about us
her yeah we are but we saw this coming already
now at this point i wanted to say yes well whats wrong lets talk and try to solve it
but since she said we saw it coming already i got scared of saying how i felt out of fear of rejection
and said yeah i know i had a good time but i get you it wont work out we hardly talked and even less now
her yeah i did too and thanks for everything but it happens so good luck and hope everything works out
me yeah i wish you the best and take care
so how do i become more social and out going and should i txt her or let her be
sorry long txt
I feel like I'm missing a component of my brain. I don't pursue relationships at all. I've never really been attracted to anybody. I don't have goals. I'm working some dead end job that I got through a family connection and don't really see any alternatives for myself. I don't have hobbies either. I tried a few things but I just don't feel any sense of satisfaction when doing anything, except solving problems. For instance, cleaning the house or paying bills or fixing my car. I like getting those kinds of things done. I can tell that I'm not normal, and people think I'm weird, but I feel normal except for being sort of lost and bored when I don't have anything to do. What should I do?
So I'm going to preface this by saying I work as an EMT-I in an area that gets a heavy amount of call traffic everyday. We get worked to the bone but the job experience is amazing and if I ever end up going to a different service I'm practically guaranteed a job just because of how much time I've put in here.
Anyways, I can't sleep and I've been very irritable lately. I'm performing at work but I'm also going pretty harshly on my partner who I just can't talk to. I can't talk to my probably soon to be ex-girlfriend because she'll just stick her hand out and tell me "I don't want to hear anything of what you see" and then bitch about her day to me. I can't talk to my parents because they'll blow it up into something it doesn't have to be.
I just need to talk about what happened Old Soul.