Due to the success of the last thread (and it, unfortunately, getting archived before I had a chance to respond to the most recent posts), we're starting with a fresh one. I'll be responding to the most recent posts in that thread first.
Helping people is my therapy. Recently went through a break-up, been becoming heavily invested in creative work the last two weeks and finding new things to love in life, been taking lot's of steps to improve my quality of life.
I'm currently a self sustaining person who's still figuring certain things out in his own life, and would identify myself as an outgoing introvert. I'm very much a solitary person that does enjoy good company whom I can have meaningful or stimulating conversations with. I've had 3 serious relationships, dealt with all kinds of relationship issues (my very first was probably one of the best horrific training exercises you could never wish on anyone, I went into this in a previous thread if you want a link), but everyone has gone through a bad relationship one time or another. I've always enjoyed and felt I had a knack for helping people see things clearly. I'm pretty much all of my friends' personal therapists and cheerleader.
I wanted to dedicate this thread to helping people with any interpersonal issues they're facing. Relationships, friendships, your emotional/physical well being, maybe something is difficult in your life currently. Whatever is on your mind, ask. I will do my best to give the most objective viewpoint I can on the subject.
I hope I can help, and please be patient. I will try to respond as soon as I can (I check in every few hours)
Previous thread >>15656442
Well for starters, if you haven't spoken to someone for 20 whole days and you're pseudo dating/see each other, it's safe to say it's pretty much over, and given how that conversation played it, I'd almost say let it be and continue on with your life.
The only way to really become more social and outgoing is forcing yourself into situations where you interact with other human beings. Namely, if you were to look up events happening around where you live like gatherings and groups that share similar interests, that's a good place to start, because everyone there is for the same reason; to meet new people.
You just have to not worry about what has happened and keep your head up about things. I know a lot of people say this is a bust but, you might want to check out some online dating services too to just get used to the idea of setting up dates with women too. OKC is pretty good for that, I'd say Tinder is pretty unreliable because of the quality of people on that service. It's too superficial if you're trying to find common ground. Hope that gives you a footing for a good start :)
Again I'm not really sure about this out of context. Sounds like it's just her making conversation with ease by restating what you said. Just don't overthink it and try what I've said :)
Common question from the previous thread. I'll refer you to >>15675352 so I don't end up typing the same thing and sounding like a broken record. If you want some more clarification I'll happily provide :)
What do i do if i have zero experience with the opposite sex? I never dated, never asked someone out, never even had a female friend.
It looks so easy and natural for everyone, and i have no idea what to do.
How do i become normal?
First off let me see "normal" is a relative thing, so don't start projecting onto yourself other people's definition of the word. You need to be comfortable in exactly who YOU are and what appeals and doesn't appeal to you.
Secondly, you've taken a pretty negative stance on various things I believe, as a result of this mindset of yours. For instance, when you say you don't have any hobbies but then only "try" something, that's not enough to determine whether or not you like it. You need to give it more of a chance to determine if it really resonates with you.
If I were to say "I didn't like filmmaking" or editing after only taking one opportunity and stab at making one and then deciding it's not good because I didn't succeed my first time, I wouldn't have a career in it right now.
Every little thing you want to change in life takes effort. It takes time to really understand that instant gratification is not how to live life, and when you want to build worthwhile skills, a healthy state of mind and more, you start small, and you start growing from there.
If you find you like solving problems, that already is a great way to connect with people. I've mentioned before I'm basically the voice of reason to a lot of my friends and they turn to me and trust me with just about anything.
And I know exactly how you feel when you say you feel "lost or bored" when you don't have anything to do. It's that feeling of stagnation, like you could be doing something more. And you know what? You definitely could. Take into consideration areas you want to improve and make mini-goals for your self for each week, don't take on a lot at once and become overwhelmed. Progress happens in small steps.
Finally, you've mentioned you don't feel any attraction to others etc. May I ask did you experience something emotionally scarring/traumatizing when you were younger or at any point in your life? That may help explain some apprehensions and help us get to a better solution :)
First, how old are you?
Secondly, I'd recommend reading the first line of this post I just wrote >>15675420
Now with that out of the way, have you ever considered making an account on a dating site like OKC? It's a pretty relaxed, safe way to take a stab at starting to interact with girls if you've never done it before.
Can you maybe elaborate a little more as to what your apprehension is to just striking up conversations with people?
To cut a long story short, I started seeing this girl. We starting meeting at the beginning of this month. There's very, very, very good vibes between each other. So much, I even kissed her the last time we met (this saturday). Her reaction? She didn't back off or acted uncomfortable, but neither kissed me back. She just said we shouldn't go to that road, that she didn't wanted to complicate things with me. Given the fact I know quite about her sentimental life, since we bonded because of how heartache we were at the moment we first met, I have the impression she's just avoiding getting serious with anyone. I feel she likes me a lot, but she might be cautios, after all that has happened to her recently.
So, I don't know what do you think about this whole so far, but in my head it's just "give it time". I have no concer, but to spend time with her, since she's so wonderful. We have a very, very strong connection (After the kiss, things stayed as comfortable between us as ever. No awkwardness. We even ended up falling asleep on her sofa that same night I kissed her. And we were cuddling...)
But i'm kind of worried about the fact she usually disappears from time to time, to come back. Like literally. She even told me about this, and it's not because of avoiding people, it's what she usually does.
I remember after the first night together, I asked her out and she never replied. I didn't do anything else, and she ended up asking me out a week later...
So between knowing she likes me a lot and is still very comfortable with me, and the fact it's her behaviour to just disappear from time to time, I shouldn't be worried about her avoiding me. But I'm sure worried to not spend time with her, since that's my only idea: To go out with her and have fun.
It all feels like it's never sure, even if she has given me all the signs she likes me very much...
What can you tell me to help me stop worrying, my friend?
I should add that, even if we started seeing each other very regularly since the beginning of this month, we knew each other for like 2 years.
The fact she was in a relationship with a friend of my best friend when we two met, and the fact after the break out a lot of shit happened and so we stopped having common friends, we finally end up meeting again with new common friends in a party (and we ended up taking a long walk alone that same night)
Since the first time I met her, 2 years ago, I gotta say there were good vibes between each other
I'm pretty distraught so sorry if I don't make complete sense on this but, I have a recent ex-girlfriend who just loves playing head games and making me jealous/chase her by being completely cold.
We was together for three years and have a child out of the relationship.
She can be quite immature and I think I value the relationship more, because she will just ignore me and tell me she doesn't want me anymore, but every now and again give me some false hope, and then go back to ignoring me, we've gone through bad patches before and it's been very similar to this but she always came back after a few weeks of this.. it's completely mentally draining for me, it feels like torture, and I'm pretty sick of it, but I'm completely in love with her, or at least she has complete control of me, I don't know, I just want to get her attention and get her to stop fucking with me like this.
We fell out over something stupid and since then (about a week ago) she's just gone completely cold on me and is only trying to speak to me about arrangements of having our son at the weekend, I think she's just trying to hurt me but she says she's found someone else and is in a new relationship and she wants me to have our son so she can go round his this weekend, she said I have to have him or I won't be in his life, I have honestly no idea if she has got with someone else already within seven days although in the past when we fell out and broke up and got back together she slept with someone else between that, but we moved on and things worked out minus a few things that we just thought was normal relationship ups and downs, when we're happy together things are great, but in a case like this she's just out to hurt me as hard as she can and make me chase her.
I know I sound pathetic, but I just don't know what to do, I want her to stop doing this and fucking with me. Sorry, this is pretty difficult for me right now
Hello Old Soul,
I feel like I am in a constant battle with myself, and I am starting to get really tired of it all.
To start off, I lost my mother 8 months ago, she got cancer and died within 4 months of the diagnose. After that, I lost the person I needed the most in that situation, my girlfriend. I've been with her for 2 years, and she just couldn’t bear with me turning all into myself because of the loss of my mom. I still miss my ex very much..
The contacts I had with my old friends, well, to put it like this, they just went their own path, which I don’t feel like following too, and it comes down to me having about 1 of them left. Been hanging out with friends of my sis, and I do have a lot of fun with them, it’s just I only see them every once in a while, and when I am gone, I hear nothing from them.
Still not there yet, got into HUGE fights with my dad about stupid things, decided to move out for my intern. Don't like my intern at all but I've got this feeling that I just have to keep fighting for it, just 7 more weeks, and then I can like ‘put that shit off my list and be done with it’. I just need to finish it to get my diploma. Been an intern there for 10 months, and I don’t like the place at all, so every day feels like a fight for me. Moved to a place close to internship, because otherwise it’d be a 3 hour drive every day, to just come home to my dad’s, and fight with him again. Thing is, this place I am at, there is nothing to do here, but I know it is temporary so I can sort of keep it up..
Now my sister is having it really difficult to deal with the loss of my mom, the two of them were closer than I was with my mom. She’s talking about suicide from time to time and I just don’t know how to comfort her, all I can come up with is ‘no matter what you’ll always keep searching for something to fight for’, or ‘it does suck now, but it will get better later on’… But that just doesn’t work.. (1/2)
To get to the point, I just feel like I lost my mom, my ex, my dad, and my friends all at the same time, and I just don’t know what to do with all these fucking things and emotions and shit… I’ve been working out 2 times a week, it does help but I just lose the motivation really fast.. Been trying to draw, but get the same loss of motivation. Been trying to play guitar, same shit happens.
Maybe just typing this off my chest also helps a bit I guess, things I’ve been through just been very tough, and I notice I am becoming a person who is getting very locked up, and I just don’t wanna be like that, I just don’t know what to do anymore (2/2)
Ive aways been the shy, quiet guy with barely any friends. I enjoyed being alone most of the time, but it kinda ruined my social skills.
Im bad at talking to anyone, and when it comes to girls (specially cute ones) i get really shy and self conscious, i dont even try apporaching them because i know i wont be able to say anything anyway and it'll just be another awkward experience to make me cringe at myself everytime i remember it happened.
I never tried OKC because using a dating site while everyone around me is getting dates like a normal perons feels kind of humiliating, like i failed or something.
Hey OP, so I got the feels for this girl right. But she rejected me. Tried the friend thing but not good enough for me. Trying to get distance from girl but she still text me and invite me to parties and stuff. I already accepted it's not gonna happen with this girl cuz she doesn't see me that way. But I can't forget about her and move on if she is still trying to be my friend. How do I get her to see I don't want to be her friend without hurting her feelings/being a dick?
Thank you old soul
l we didnt see each other for 2 weeks because mon-fri we worked and sat sun i had to go to tj the last satudardy and sunday was when we split your right tho we only txt 3 times during those 2 weeks I guess i just wanted her to tell men what went wrong so i can improve for future relationships but also because she was the first girl i had to ask out and i guess i got attached
Im actually on POF and got a couple of views and am chatting with 3 girls so far not bad for the first 4 days but how can i be fun and manage to carry a convo i know i have to forget about what they are thinking and try to losen up but its hard are there any guides or topics that never get stale?
How do I become a better person? I'm trying to get a job, I've been bodybuilding, learning guitar, and I plan to do MMA. What else is there to improve? Maybe you could give me a guide to becoming the ultimate man. Also, how do I do this when I've been depressed for a year and still am? Being social makes me extremely happy.
Alright last post, before I go to bed, I' ll check the answer (if I get one) in the morning.
I' ll greentext to save time:
>relationship of almost 3 years
>ex dumps me 4 months ago
>we had been arguing a lot and she thinks this won't stop (I still think I was just too much of a lazy stressed out dumbass).
>felt like absolute shit, love her more than anything
>wrote her a letter (about 1.5 page long) with some feelings
>read some 'no contact' stuff on the internet, took it because I felt like a wreck that was making horrible decisions.
>had some dinner with her about 1 month after we broke up
>2 months pass without any contact
>texted her 2 weeks ago, after I saw something on tv that reminded of her (used it as an excuse, because I think about her all the time) and told her I wanted to tell her I was doing better and I hoped that she was doing well
>send it as 1 AM
>she texts me back the next day 9PM, thanking me and telling me that she is glad to hear that
That's the last time we had contact. I'd do anything to get her to give me another chance. I know I should consider that she has moved on and that I should try to do the same. But I don't really care about my ego anymore, I want her back more than anything, and if there is a 1/1000 chance that I can do so I' ll take it.
I' ll thank you in advance, I really appreciate your time in helping me and if you give me an answer I' ll definitely read it tomorrow.
I've got a friend out of state. We've become more romantically inclined towards one another but there's nothing official.
Due to circumstance, we won't really enter any kind of relationship in the near future. Given that, I'm considering hooking up with one or more of the girls around me in my day to day, but really if it were possible I'd turn them all away for her.
Bonus; virginfag here.
What would you do in this situation?
It sounds like there's a lot at play here. Usually when someone is closed off like that yet not resisting, it's something along the lines of what you described: they're afraid of getting close to someone again because they fear the heartache of losing someone else.
With women, it's this weird thing of security. If they start dating a friend, the idea of the friendship is threatened should the relationship not work out, because turning things back down to "friends" after a relationship (if it doesn't work) is next to impossible. So many barriers have been removed by that point and so much emotion invested that it just isn't the same.
She probably cares about you very much at the level you two have been at, but there's something else big going on in the background. You say she's been through a lot of stuff, can you describe more specifically what it is? That is probably what holds the key to understanding this situation, it's something emotionally based that's making her behave this way, because she's not resisting or "running away" from you, she seems to be in this weird emotional limbo.
Alright, so, first things first. The relationship is over. So, the main mindset you need to get into is you are no longer emotionally invested in this woman, therefore, she should not be influencing your day to day life.
What's going on in her life outside of seeing your son should no longer be your concern, especially after the emotional toll she's taken on you. To be perfectly honest, consider yourself lucky to have gotten out of that situation mainly due to the fact it's like you're prisoner to your emotions and her biddings. This sounds less like it was a relationship and more like stockholm syndrome.
You need to sever contact and cut all ties with her aside from the necessary ones for arranging time with your son. I know this sounds hard but you have to move on with your life too, and not be concerned about what she's doing with hers anymore. That's the only way you're going to overcome this.
I didn't expect you to come back, never mind answer a question from yesterday.
>May I ask did you experience something emotionally scarring/traumatizing when you were younger or at any point in your life?
Not really. My parents fought all the time as far back as I can remember, so perhaps that just turned me off of the idea of relationships from a young age. I've always considered myself emotionally self sufficient.
It's a little odd that she uses exactly what I've said
I've noticed her sometimes looking at me, either blatantly or subtly
One time when I didn't 'bother' looking at her, she tried to get me to notice her by trying get me to look at her
When i didn't, she kinda got a little upset
Mr Old Soul, let me explain you this in 2 parts:
she's basically been through a lot of relationships recently, being a few of them a little "abusive", emotionally speaking. She literally told me she feels she has given too much, and what she has given is far away now.
The first night we met again,( after all those years, the first night of this month and of this series of random meetings between she and I that culminated in this date I'm talking about that happened this last saturday) we took a long, long walk around the city at night, to her house. We talked about a lot of intimate things. I remember it began with her looking at me in a very "not up for bullshit" attitude and asking me "Anon, do you want to fuck me or something?" she said this with this tone of "If you want to, I have some bad news". I told her It wasn't my intention. After that, she opened her up a lot. We basically talked about the heartache we both felt, as we walked and walked around the streets.She told me a lot about guys, about how broken she felt after the last guy (who decided to pick drugs instead of her) and how many damage all this guys she has been with (except one, and only one guy, the guy she was with when we met, the only good boyfriend she had). I remember I asked her "If they have hurt you so much, then why you keep dating assholes?" She laughed a little. Replied "Well, I'm not looking for a father figure yet"
She also basically told me she's a little tired of giving it all to the guy that comes first. That she's even tired of doing it sexually speaking. Told me she has a fuckfriend that only comes to her house from time to time to eat her pussy. Nothing else. She doesn't let him do anything else. And going back to the whole "then why do you date assholes?", it looks like she's kind of disgusted of that guy...
The day I kissed her, we were at this very quiet place in the beach. It was very late and it was very cold, so we were hugging into each other. No space inbetween. I remember we were in silence until she broke it asking me, whispering me while still in my arms "Do you think X(His only good boyfriend) hates me? I think I did some bad things but... I don't knnow, he's the only one I care and I really hurted him and I don't want that to repeat again. And people surely tell him about how bad I am..." I told her to forget what people said about her, I told her to be strong.
She then, lately, broke the silence again asking me "Will we ever find someone else, Anon?" That's where I kissed her...
And well, you know the rest of the story but not how: She didn't back off, or even moved. Stayed in my arms for a long time, until I said to leave the place because it was too cold. We were freezing so we hugged into each other to get warm. We took a cab to her house and she holded my hand. In her house, we layed in the sofa with blankets, very close to each other, and we started to talk until we fell asleep. I remember she asked me about my childhood. I told her it was a happy childhood, but kind of lonely. She told me her childhood was the same. She told me the details, until we both fell asleep...
When I woke up, we were cuddling. I wanted to get to my house and take a hot shower (now, coming back to this memories, I regret not staying with her in the sofa. Not like she needed me there, but man, after all it was being besides her for a little more time...)
I approached her, she was still asleep, and I said goodbye. She grabbed me with her arms around my neck, and whispered some nice things. Said I was very gentle with her, that I took care of her, that she had so much fun and felt so good besides me...
That's the whole story. What do you think, Mr Old Soul?
I must say, regardless of whatever it is, that it was a very sweet night to remember...
Dear old soul
How do I escape the friendzone with girls I'm attracted to? I can get the attraction of girls I don't care for, but the ones I'm keen on put me in box of friendship that irritates the fuck out of me
Sorry that my post was a bit all over the place but what you say makes perfect sense.
I had spoken to her earlier today (and basically said that I believe the relationship was doomed and that there was nothing I could do to make her happy (giving her acceptance that I don't care and won't bother her anymore) and that I was confused over the last few months before the break up anyway and that I knew I loved her but I didn't think I was in love with her anymore. (She's very difficult for me to know how she feels and she can hold herself together very well so even if I had got to her with that I wouldn't really know.)
I sent the message just so I could have some closure and not make myself look desperate and that I'm moving on with my life and I am happy for her if she has somebody else. (She always expects me to reply right away and even though she has told me she wanted me leave her alone previously, I know she LOVES the attention.
She replied back pretty quick (within about 10-15 minutes and Basically said "So you're going to fuck off and leave me and my life alone?" But I didn't reply like I usually would (I thought there was no point because my last text covered everything.)
So it's been about 4 hours and she's sent me another text saying she wants me to drop off some food she had left here last week, I simply replied "Ok"
Do you think there's any reason she asked me to do this? I think she's subtly trying to "poke" me so that I start messaging her again out of desperation, and honestly, before I got the text I was thinking about her and wondering what she was up to, then I got that and thought, why has she sent that? she either just wants the food or she wants me to think of her and chase her some more. I don't know.. Just trying for attention?
I'm just doing my best to stay strong and make her think I don't give a fuck what she does anymore or who she is with,and maybe this scares her a bit that I have backed off.
Hey Seagull, sorry for the late response, but I read your posts thoroughly, so here's my take.
Everyone deals with stress, loss, and emotional situations differently. The key thing I see here, is that you do at least have somewhat of a start to having a grip on the situation and getting through these trials (such as trying to put your mind elsewhere and invest in activities that help you grow as a person).
I'm not going to pretend it's easy to overcome the kinds of things you're busy dealing with and what you've gone through, and there isn't really a one answer fits all solution to these sorts of situations, so what I can suggest is, doing a stock check. As bleak or upsetting as things may seem right now, you've recognized that some of your circumstances are temporary. Finding and making new friends is the least of your worries, as there are plenty of outlets anywhere and everywhere you go to mix and meet with new people, such as groups that attract people with similar interests, there's many different possibilities if you look up opportunities in your local vicinity, guaranteed.
When it comes to your family, namely, your sister threatening suicide, this is something to take seriously. I am an advocate of making sure people that are saying things like that, EVEN IF THEY DO OR DO NOT MEAN IT, should not be taken lightly. You need to make sure she sees a specialist, you are not equipped to handle a scenario like this. I've been through these situations before, I know you love and care about the person but there isn't anything you can do when someone starts thinking or talking like that. Please, out of sheer concern, make sure she gets the right kind of help and guidance from someone who can help and guide her, do not take this on by yourself.
Continued from >>15680868
The only way to truly avoid becoming "locked up" as you've described is to, as you've also already exhibited, keep your mind occupied. Investing in activities where it helps you grow as a person, either reading a classic book, learning to cook something new, developing and discovering a new hobby, joining a local group or community, volunteering, working out, etc etc, ALL of these things keep you active, keep you alert, help you begin to realize how much there is to love and how much there is to learn.
Loss is never, ever easy, I understand completely. It's how you handle it that determines how you will handle what life throws at you. I know you've said it to your sister, but I'll restate it to you too, because it is the truth. It does suck now, but it will get better later on. Trust me, it does, you just need to keep doing what you're doing, and start spreading yourself around more, put yourself out there a bit, don't be afraid. You have nothing to fear about wanting to NOT be closed off, it's positive you've recognized it. You can absolutely take control of your life if you do put the effort in, and start making the stresses less significant as a part of your day :)
Let me tell you something dude, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of for using an online dating service. Why? Because that's how the majority of people date nowadays, by a huge margin. Maybe 10 years ago it was considered "Weird" because it was new, now it's a huge accepted way of mixing and meeting new people.
The key thing I would recommend is to stop worrying about what everyone else around you is doing, and start focusing on you. It doesn't matter that you think "normal" people around you are getting dates the "normal" way, how do you know they're not meeting this people online too? :)
Everyone is at different stages of their life, by focusing on you, you're able to start recognizing where you need to improve and focus on the things you want to change, instead of playing the comparison game. Don't ever compare, it's a self destructive cycle that will constantly make you feel inadequate, and it's unfair to do to yourself.
Make an account! Take a stab at it, you have no obligations to it, it's meant to be fun, see what comes from it, just give it a shot :)
I mean you're not really under any obligation to HAVE to see this person just because she invites you things. If you can't handle this girl being your friend, then you don't really have to hang out with her, simple as that. I don't know so much about the "hurting her feelings" part of it, either she gets the memo when you're not hanging with her or, she's currently oblivious and thinks everything's okay between you to, because she sees it on a "friendly" level, which is why she keeps texting you and wanting you to go out to stuff.
You're not automatically a dick for declining invitations or making yourself "unavailable" if that's what you'd rather do.
Glad I could have been of help :)
It's really about feeling out a conversation and just not forcing anything. If conversations get boring or fizzle out, it's okay. I like to be spontaenous and silly with stuff in conversations, keeping things light hearted when you're getting to know someone.
If you've been going back and forth for a while, maybe introducing yourself and real name (first name only) would be the next good ice breaker, which you can then use to escalate into meeting/going on a mini date to finally see each other face to face and see if there is any real chemistry there :)
You're doing good though from the sounds of it!
Well, the definition of "being a better person" is relative. What do you see being the qualities of someone who betters themselves? Personally, my definition is staying healthy, excelling at your job/career and going above/beyond what people expect, have hobbies and some downtime to put your mind elsewhere and having a passion.
Depression is something that I've treated with staying active, even as hard as it may seem some days, and getting a lot of sunlight, and also eating healthier. Being in the sun helps build the serotonin in your brain (the happy chemical) and the rays of the sun helps build that naturally. If you find social situations to make you happy too, find as many local opportunities to mix and meet with new people! Look for groups, events, and any public gatherings to mix and meet as many new people as possible :)
The question here really is, why do you want to get back together with someone that rejected you? You will feel like second fiddle, constantly in a rut of "justifying" yourself to this person that already rejected you the first time.
This is not a situation you want to be in. Chances are, given the space of time she took between responding to you, she's moved on. You should too. Keep your head up, and stay positive in your pursuits, this will only drag you back down.
If you've got no prospect of being in a relationship with this person in the near future, you therefore have no committments or obligations to this person and can do what you like.
So, if the idea of hooking up with these girls is something you see yourself as doing, you may as well go for it for the time being, and if the out of state friend becomes more serious and you two live close to each other, you can pursue that.
There's no shame or guilt in experiencing a bit of what's out there :)
I answer everyone's questions one by one without fail :)
Aside from what I've already typed about for you and what you should do, I cannot determine necesarrily why you don't feel an "attraction" to others per se, but I believe from the sounds of things and what you've described, it's more of a defense mechanism than anything to protect yourself from potentially emotional pain. I can't really suggest anything other than really forcing yourself to be in a situation you're not used to or that makes you uncomfortable, so that it becomes less and less uncomfortable and frightening the more you deal with it. That's generally the only way to overcome something like this
Well....are you wondering more particularly if she likes you or not? Whether to pursue a relationship?
If you're able to handle the kind of emotional things she's thrown at you and put in the open, she sounds like she's basically given you the go ahead to initiate something, you both were vulnerable emotionally in this situation it sounds, so she opened up to you, and girls don't generally do that unless they feel incredibly comfortable with the person they're with.
It sounds like you two have shared something very special together, I'd say continue it :)
This one's actually pretty easy. Don't show interest in them. Girls smell and sense someone pursuing them a mile away. If you act cool and indifferent, it makes things a little easier to initiate down the road.
It's not a GIVEN necessarily, but it's the baby steps to getting out of that predicament. The reason you get attention from girls you don't care for is well....exactly what I said, you don't care for them. SOOOO....they want you to, and try to get you to notice them
Know what I'm saying? :)
Alright, you just gave me a big piece to this puzzle we didn've have before: attention. It's the reverse psycology game she's working on you.
She thinks she has you and your emotions wrapped around your finger, and makes you feel like garbage for ignoring her, but when she "has" you, she doesn't care, and tries to devalue you, so you try to "be there" for her more, and it never satisfies her, which is why she goes and pursues other men.
This is a volitile, toxic situation, and she sounds really emotionally screwed up. So now, having just sent what you sent to her, you basically showed you're in control, and she lost control over you. So, she lashes out emotionally with the "you're just going to fuck off and leave me and my life alone?". Attempted guilt trip. NOW she's upset because she DOESN'T have your attention, so what does she do? Ask you to bring her food as a means of controlling you again and reinserting yourself in her life.
Ask yourself this, how important is it that she get this food? Is she going to starve is she doesn't get it back? Did it cost a lot of money? Don't take it to her, if she wants it so badly, she can come and get it. Otherwise throw it out, and ignore her for the time being. She's fighting for control at the moment, and you need to be firm and stand your ground and not fall into her traps. You're doing good man, you can keep me updated if anything else happens and I'll do my best to help you
Hey dude, please keep being awesome
Coffeedude here, so I cashed in my "other free" coffee the other day
probably not the best idea because the coffee maker/owner? was there last time
dude gave a death stare as I was leaving lel
Did she give me special treatment?
Will she get into trouble?
Lately I have been increasingly lonely and I'm not sure what to do. It's getting to the point that I don't think about much else.
I'm a 27 year old guy and I'm not social at all. I have no social skills and can't start or hold a conversation. When I try to be social, I always revert to busting people's chops, being sarcastic, or being a smart ass because it's all I know. It makes me come off as a huge asshole even though I'm actually a nice person. I always seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and offend someone, and I feel terrible when I do.
Since I was 16, all my free time that I should have been spending with others I instead spent working an above normal number of hours. Although there are people I regularly hang out with, I don't have anyone that I would consider a close friend and I've never even asked a girl out or been in a relationship.
I have a college degree, a real job, and I own my own house. I go to the gym regularly and I'm not weak, but I am a small guy. Aside from my social issues, I am mostly successful in life.
I'm not even sure what advice I'm looking for, but I'll take any I can get.
Haha hey I remember you from the last thread for sure!
UHHH....well.....that's....unfortunate. I mean, unless he knows WHO gave it to you, I don't think she would be in jeopardy, unless he's seen you two interacting a lot and can put 2 and 2 together. I haven't a clue why he would have looked at you like that otherwise O_o
Hey dude, thanks a lot!
Well he was there the last time she asked if I wanted the free coffee
do you think it's a positive sign that she gave me special treatment based on the way he stared? Lel
I should add that I have poor self esteem. If anyone ever gives me a compliment I don't think I deserve it and I just get suspicious of their intentions.
My problem with talking to people is that I literally don't know what to say, I can go up to someone and say hi or make small talk for a minute but it always quickly turns into awkward silence.
Even with the acquaintances and coworkers that I do have things in common with, I can talk but can't seem to develop any actual connection or close relationship.
To be honest, I'm very much the same way when it comes to breaking the ice with people. The one difference I would suggest is instead of busting their chops right off the bat, you should build a little bit of a rapport with those people first. If you straight up start out with being a sarcastic smart ass, people's perception is well....you're a sarcastic smart ass. What that really happens to be is a defense mechanism, I didn't realize this until years later. You can still BE like that, but don't be that way at first. After a while, then it's okay, know what I mean?
It took a lot of trial and error to understand it but I'd recommend trying it at least. Now, to the main point, what you're describing about your own self image is really a state of mind. You THINK you're socially inept or have self esteem because you're basing your self worth on the validation of others. That's the complete wrong mindset to have, you need to first learn to love yourself before you can be secure in your daily life.
So for instance, when you get actual praise (like a compliment), you're guarded because it's not something that happens as often as say...rejection. Rejection is a thing EVERYONE faces a lot, and if you learn to accept potential rejection, you'll be that much more capable of handling all possible scenarios in a situation.
Ever since my best friend has had a girlfriend, he's stopped spending his time with me. I am depressed because he's my only friend and we had so many fun things together. I don't know what to do, I'm so alone.
Continued from >>15681734
When someone compliments you, take it for exactly what it is, a compliment. You can be polite and say "oh thank you!" and use it as a way to segue into a bit of small talk, mentioning something about say, clothing they complimented you on. When it comes to talking to people and making small talk, don't overthink it! It's just small talk, it's not meant to be anything more than just simple discussion. Those kinds of conversations fizzle out pretty quickly, don't worry about it. Just recognize and anticipate when they ARE ending, and prepare to remove yourself from the situation, IE you have something else to do (whether or not it's true, appear to be busy instead of needy).
I think above all else what you need is to find an outlet of people whom you share a common interest with, say, a gathering or group that meets somewhere weekly/every few days as a way of mixing with people who are on the same page as you. Have you tried looking up anything in your area as a means of branching out and meeting potential people? What are some of your interests and hobbies? That's always a great place to start to find new people.
Continued from >>15681745
It sounds like you've got all the IMPORTANT stuff in your life under control, so you'd be a catch for any chick, when it comes to people and communicating, you just have to remember to not overthink things, and just sort of go with the flow. Don't believe you HAVE to make a conversation or something work if it doesn't seem sustained or prolonged, just start to recognize social cues and use it to your advantage. The best way to ease into this kind of undertaking though is trying it out in a group of people whom you can share some common interests with first. Less pressure, high on fun.
Also, I'd recommend checking out a dating website like OKC if you want to screen and find some girls to start talking to and get potential dates. I've had a lot of success on that compared to bs like Tinder which is all superficially based. A bit of success on PoF but some seriously ratchet people on there, you've been warned haha.
If you need any more insight ask away :)
Hey Old Soul; I've got some weird anxiety I wonder if you can relate to.
Ive got this girl who I am so into. We've known each other a while
She's reciprocated some of the same feelings, so its not entirely one sided, but its long distance.
When we talk, I feel amazing, but where the anxiety comes from is that I feel like there's so much more to say, so much more to touch on, so much more to learn about one another. Not that the conversation isn't good; but afterward I think of so many better things to say to her. Partially related to anxiety I feel in talking to her in general? I don't want to push her away with too deep/prodding of stuff, but don't want to keep it too topical and lose her interest. She makes me feel like a basketcase.
Is that normal? Can I bring that into the moment better, or just bring it up next time?
Thanks for taking the the time to get into all that detail. That's a longer response than I was expecting.
I guess the main thing I want that I don't have is a super close friend. I do have friends and coworkers who I share interests with and I hang out with, but nobody that I am close enough to that I actually feel any connection, or that I feel I could call up at any time when I have a problem.
I have had issues in the past when my parents buy me tickets to a sporting event. None of my friends are into that sort of thing and trying to find someone to go with is pretty demoralizing, and ends in not going, or my parents forcing a sibling to go with me even though they have no interest.
I also wish I traveled more. Again, I don't think that's the sort of thing you do alone and I none of my friends seem to be close enough to be interested.
On the dating front: What do people do on a first date? I assume both people just talk about themselves to get to know each other, but how is that any different from when I hang out with friends and talk about my day, or when I meet someone new outside of a potential dating relationship?
Hey dude, I've noticed her sometimes looking at me, either blatantly or subtly
One time when I didn't 'bother' looking at her, she tried to get me to notice her by trying get me to look at her
When i didn't, she kinda got a little upset
She's holy shit beautiful and I'm alright looking I suppose
she works in a cafe; maybe she just likes the attention?
she's a little colder towards and more professional towards me now
Hey Old Soul.
The thing is, it has been 8 years since my ex broke up with me.
I hat a lot of trouble accepting it, and she wanted to keep me as her best friend while getting a new boyfriend.
At the end, we couldn't bear it, I was in denial and she started treating me like shit. Then she moved out of my life.
For 8 years I've dreamt of her at least one night per week. I've understood a lot of things, I'm a different person, and I've lived my life, but I feel like I can't move on completely, I still have her in my mind. I don't think this is love, since a lot of time has happened, I've changed, and it's stupid. There are days when I cannot stop thinking about her and I feel guilty because I'm currently in a relationship (That I feel it's dying slowly).
I'm too proud and quite ashamed of talking with my best friend about it. I should've forgotten her a long time ago.
So I've been thinking of meeting her again, so, even if I'm conscious of the situation and the separation, my subconscious could fucking getting it once and for all, to take a look of the imminent separation and stop fucking dreaming about her.
I always dream I meet her and talk to her about what we've done with our lives, and after a while she goes away and never stays.
I've been thinking of getting professional help because this can't be normal. I never really thought about this but I must have a trauma.
op seems like a pretty based and awesome dude, haven't seen this amount of level headed and well written advice in all my time on this board
just wanted to pop in and say keep up the good work bro, takes a lot a patience to do what you're doing
she made sure to smile widely at me one day, but because i didn't really respond very well or something she was cold again the next day
she got a bit upset when i kept glancing at other girls and would ignore me and wouldn't even smile at me the next day
but she does work in hospitality though...so dunno, maybe she was just being friendly
please help good sir
Average girl problem i guess.
I have a couple of classes with this cute girl and i noticed that she keeps looking at me whenever she thinks im not paying attention.
That can mean she's interested in me, right?
But when i tried talking to her she only gave some short cold answers and i felt like she wasnt putting any effort into the conversation.
Am i reading too much? Maybe she's not interested at all and was staring for some other reason?
Im a shy guy and going there to talk to her was already way beyond my comfort zone, i dont know how im supposed to have a conversation with someone like this.
Last year I met a girl who I had everything in common with. We had all the same classes together and gradually grew to know each other over the course of the year. We spent endless hours together both at my place and her's gaming, studying, talking etc... I couldn't work up the courage to ever tell her how I felt but I got the impression that she felt the same way about me that I did about her. At the end of the semester she went to work in another city for a summer job. We communicated during the time she was gone and even planned our next school year together so we'd have all the same classes again.
When she came back I discovered much to my dismay that she'd met someone during the summer. I never broached the subject with her and just continued on like nothing had changed but in reality it was something that was incredibly difficult to accept. We still remained friends during that time as I value her friendship regardless of the circumstances though I couldn't help but hope that things might change.
Unfortunately they never did. Now that the semester is over we're both graduating and she's moving away making it unlikely I'll see her very often although we do still communicate via text. Saying goodbye to her was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do and I can't stop thinking about her nor do I even necessarily want to. I don't want to just move on and forget because she was too perfect. But at the same time its driving me crazy thinking about what could have been and no matter how much I try to occupy my time doing things I enjoy, I still think about her. In 23 years I've never found someone like her. She's the first and only person I've ever cared for and to lose that is devastating. There were so many qualities that I loved about her that I've never encountered in another person let alone finding them all together in the same place. Its just something that I have no desire to accept though feel powerless to change.
How can I deal with this?
I've been struggling with something for years. I guess it has to do with being a man who is uncomfortable with his sexuality. I'm straight, but I've been conditioned to feel that my sexuality is predatory and wrong - the closest thing I ever got to "the talk" amounted to "you're a dangeorus potential rapist and should feel ashamed."
I'm not a virgin, but I lost it late, and have been on my own for some time now...but I really feel like this is holding back me back from personhood and happiness. When most guys see a cute/appealing girl in public I imagine they have a drive to pursue them - be the predator, for lack of a better term. These thoughts really don't pass through my head; I'm interested sure, infactuated as well, perhaps...but I never give into the "chase" that seems so essential to courtship and male sexuality. It simply never seems like a valid option.
Approaching women randomly is creepy. Compliments are uncalled for. You should feel ashamed for wanting to bother that poor girl, etc. . . . This is a kind of shaming is just so deeply drilled into my head - I don't want my life to pass me by, missing opportunities for beautiful human contact, because the impulse and initiative essential to sexuality and courtship is so deeply repressed.
I'm not a socially awkward teen or anything - I'm actually very social and charming, and I'm not particularly young. It's just that, in social situations, when thoughts of women going beyond platonic arise, there's a huge mental red flag goes up ("danger!") and I immediately raise my defenses or play asexual. I've had a couple of relationships in the past, and they were significant, but they all happened more due to chance than pursuit - if I weren't attractive enough to draw their attention I'd probably still be a virgin.
I only ever came clean to anyone about this once, to one of the few girlfriends I've had, and I just completely broke down, tears and all. I don't remember much else, other than that I felt this strange relief so briefly, followed by confusion on her part - mostly. We broke up soon after.
I know that all of this perceived "shaming" about my sexuality being predatory, dangerous, creepy, and wrong, is just BS and I should just man up and take initiative. I just can't flip that switch.
Its 4:30 AM and I don't even know why I'm writing this...I just need help, I guess.
If you could attend your funeral as a ghost, ,what would you want the people there to be saying?
About the things you've done, the person you were, the things you've accomplished?
People may look down on some who ask an above average amount of questions, but asking questions are one of the best things we humans can do with out intelligence.