I have not seen this thread today so i'll start the train.
Hey /Adv/ I have been lurking here for a while and now i want your point of view on things.
I'm in 2 year of Hige school, male, INTP, with dysgraphia. Shit is starting to hit the fan. I sleep over alot, not able to do the work assigned in school and I don't meet my friends alot anymore. I get shit pissed drunk everyweekend. Well Basicly I have no structure in my life and people around me worry. I'm already talking to a psychologist. I have so much shit to do that i lose energi just thinking about it, were shold i start?
I've never had a GF, I came very close at one point, but then she turned into a bitch and I stopped liking her, then later in my school years I had bad experiences with social interactions and bad experiences with girls. Now i'm too anxious and afraid to even talk to people in public, I can talk to some guy or woman if its in a work environment and its calm, but too many people around makes me feel more anxious and afraid.
1. Stop drinking.
2. Ask school/teachers for help, don't they have sessions for people who have a hard time writing? My school offers to read ones papers before we send them in if you got dyslexia or any other form of a disadvantage. Raise your concerns to the school, ask for help, you can't receive any if you do not want to put the effort into it. So ask for help, and truly try do the best you can of what they ask of you.
3. Take care if your sleeping pattern. No naps during the day. Go to bed early if it helps, get up when you have to.
4. Set aside an hour or two for school work every day, it will also get rid of the loneliness feelings if you focus on something else.
5. Prioritize your workload. Make a list of assignments you need to have done, include their dates. Just take one assignment at a time, finish it and cross it of the list. Don't focus on all your assignment as once as this will lead to stress and anxiety. Just take mini steps.
6. When you want to quit, tell yourself you'll do it for ten more minutes. If you want to quit after that, you can take a break for 30 minutes. Award yourself with something you find nice or fun. Often people quit because they get stuck by some kind of hurdle, which can easily be broken if they just give it some extra time – if you find yourself completely stuck though after several tries – ask your teachers for help.
7. Exercise. I know, it's horrible. But even ten minutes a day is a good start and will make you feel better even if you hate it. It can be ten minutes of walking if you wish.
8. Get them veggies and slaughter them underneath those choppers. Cut down on soda and sugar, it makes you cranky.
"How's it going" is actually legitimately helpful. Which is silly because I know how to have normal conversations, but approaching people is so outside my realm of experience it's absurd, it's like I need to relearn conversational fundamentals again. Like... I know them, but I can't get myself to make the connections to apply them to cold openings.
Depends on the situation, if its business
How's it going? (wait for response and/or comment) I'm X from (department/section) and (insert what you need to get done here)
Thanks, have a good one
I'll talk to random people I don't know if I think they're interesting or If I'm bored
My favorite method of breaking the ice is talking shit to them in a joking way
That sounds a little too much like negging, but I'll at least give boring old "How's it going" a try. I'd probably just actually offend them, or badly gauge what normal people would think is funny.
I made it to second base with a wonderful girl for the first time and I can't stop thinking about how soft her breasts and mons pubis are!
The way she moans and squirms against my body whenever I touch her sensuous parts drives me wild!
Internet, porn, youtube.
This is your life now. 8 to 12 hours every day. This is why I don't want sex anymore. I'm not tired or sick physically, just with the person you really are. Thanks for pretending to be someone with ambition and a zest for life for so long. You're lazy and will regret wasting all this time one day. If your mind survives. It's already failing if you can't make the connection to why you can't stay hard all the time. Here I'll help. Read the first sentence for answer...
Armchair psychologists in these threads sure don't know what they're talking about. Reminds me of a guy named blue and his blue cohorts from effiel 65. Yes it was a catchy song but it also covered depression as well. Over all I would recommend this song to armchair psychologists worldwide.
Fuck you. Fuck. You. I have every damn right to get angry over mass-messages you include me in, especially when it's totally inappropriate. Don't get snippy with me and expect me to apologize. You made the first move. I'm fucking done with apologizing for your behaviour. You're fucking manipulative - you know I hate arguing and feel bad when others have their feelings hurt, even if they deserve it. How many fucking times have I gotten upset with you over something insensitive you said, only for you to turn it into a sob story of how stressed you are and how you didn't mean it, which makes me feel like a piece of shit.
You're emotionally manipulative, controlling, petty, jealous and manage to hide it under the guise of a total sweetheart who would do anything for me and move hell and high water if I wanted it.
Fuck you and fuck everything about you.
Haha this was my ex.
Fuck you M, you sloppy fucking manchild. The house is cleaner, I'm happier, and things are actually moving forward without you. And I've had AWESOME sex since you left, because I realized it wasn't me all this time, it was you.
I have two good part-time jobs, dating this really hot girl from uni, have nearly $2,000 USD stashed up in the bank and counting, I'm in a great band with my best friend and make music a lot with my best mates,but i'm still not allowing myself to be happy.
Why is that? I am so heart-set on restricting myself from breaking free of past failures and mistakes. I just continue to have this desire to stay malignant and shell up.
I harp on myself constantly for having dropped out of college for a semester, but I know I'm going back. I let the words of my father get at me, and the threats of my angry aunt scare me out of living my life.
Once I can afford to get an apartment of my own, I'm never saying hi to any of my family ever again. They never fucking cared about me anyways.
Looks like you're projecting once again. Are you sure about what you are saying or are you just frustrated you aren't getting the result you wanted? What people like you seem to ignore is responsibility for your own actions. People who accuse others of manipulation use the exact same methods themselves. No one will be nice to you or be a sweetheart to you after you have betrayed their trust. An eye for an eye make the whole world blind. If a person is gone from your life stop trying to guilt trip them.
Not talking to you, just centing about these types of mentally ill people.
She won't talk to me. She won't even have a conversation with me. I have no idea if she cares about me or if she can even stand me. If we reach 7 or 8 days I'm probably just gonna call it all quits. Hop on a bus and go somewhere. Get a weird job. Something. Whatever a young dumb man can do to get their mind off of one of the only people he gives a shit about.
I'm with you on that plan. I don't quite share your problems with girls but I could use a trip. Some people are more problems than they are worth and are usually the loudest complainers as well. I can finally say I'm getting close to just figuring out something and will be closing this chapter for good.
Through life. You try new things, you talk to people, you listen to music, you live your life... And it comes to you. It might not be exciting, it might not happen fast, but that's how it happens. Talk to people who care about you, spend time doing the things you love, work hard... You'll find your direction.
Mom is being a bitch today.
I hope dad comes home and yells at her since today she really deserves it for once. Especially after I took time out of my day yesterday to let her vent about how shitty my brother is being because his ass his getting divorced.
I DON'T KNOW I'M NOT PAID ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE MEANING OF LIFE GO FIND IT YOURSELF
There's a reason people say they feel alive after doing something a stagnant person will find incredibly stupid. It's because they conquered their fear. Fear is there for you to break. Break your fears and live life.
Damn I miss my cousins.
Hopefully I will be able to spend time with them this Christmas.
They came to visit us last year's Christmas, but I doubt that they will be able to come this year. Just watching christmas shows together from the tv was super comfy.
I love those girls so damn much.
M; I went to Lidl today to buy some stuff (garlic bread) and there was this guy, old grandpa, but he smelled just like you, had the the same cologne or deo or aftershave, whatever, so I trailed after him a bit, sniffing like mad until he gave me this wink wink look, you know the one young girls get from old farts, and I had to give up and pay for my unhealthy food. Anyway, I miss you.
Read or watch documentaries about Aliester Crowley before you die. The truth about him was he was demonized now. But yet he remained a high ranking exceptional man for his time. He influenced many secret organizations and westernized religions to this very day.
"He was my nigga"
I miss her, adv, and the thought of not talking to her kills me. This is a lesson in caring about people, don't fucking do it. I know that sounds autistic as hell but I don't care, if shit actually continues to be bad with us I'm gonna avoid caring for people for a long time. Years maybe. Cause this hurts too much.
Can you maybe salvage your grade? At least pass it, even if it's a 51% (or whatever constitutes a pass). Talk to your prof, they might let you do extra assignments or something. It's worth a shot, cause a lot of people don't even try, so if you show your professor that you care, there may still be hope.
There are two guys I can't stop thinking about right now. One, I gave up seeing because I took a sick day and gave up a few stores, his being included. The other, I could probably take a short walk and see him, assuming he's working.
>tfw all it would take to get your life where you want it is just talking to people and making some connections, but you can't even do that
wish you'd text me back babe. but I know you're gonna forget about getting back to me tonight. feelsbadman. you'll text other people as I'm talking to you... but you don't give me the same treatment if you're with other people.
sometimes I do really wonder how important I am to you. actually a lot of the time I wonder how important I am to you.
then when you get home tonight, are you gonna tell me about your day? or are you going to just say, it was good? sometimes feels like you don't want to include me in your life, or worse, evasive.
so here I am alone with my anxiety until you get home. though chances are you're gonna get home late, act exhausted, and barely talk to me.
it's happened before. feels real shitty.
and I get shit when I react to being treated like I'm not at all important in your life.
got a headache and feel like throwing up. guess I'll go for a drive. maybe get some cigarettes.
worried af tobh senpais, every choice seems like a mistake and there's not enough information to think of a solution no matter how hard I try. My head just isn't in the right place for your shit.
what a stupid game lol
I'm taking two hard classes this semester. Should be two easy ones after that, then after 5-6 years I'll have a business/IT degree, a couple certs, and good work experience (I work part time in a data center/NOC).
I have a good GPA. Latin Honors are a possibility, or at least they were, before this. I'm probably going to get an A in the degree capstone class, a class that has a reputation as being hard as shit.
But I came 5 points out of 400 short of getting a C (passing) a Business Stats course last spring. Putting graduation off, yet another semester. Probably if the fat, old, unintelligible sack of shit had shown up the first 2 class sessions, I'd have passed. So I emailed him at the end of the semester, asking if I could see my grades more closely. Sure, sure, come up at this time, he replied. Went up there, fucker was nowhere to be found. Emailed him, said "hey, must have missed you, can I re-sechedule?" No fucking response.
I worked fucking hard on that class. Harder than anything else. Stats is not my thing, but I busted ass.
So, taking it again this semester. Probably a coin flip if I will pass it. Professor this time is nice, but it's getting to the point where I can't stay the whole class because I am just filled with fucking rage and I have to leave or I'll lose my shit.
I'm not taking this fucking class again. If I don't pass, I'll quit this fucking school. This is humiliating. No degree for me, two classes away, one of the better students in the college, even passed my fucking degree capstone with honors. All because of this one class, whose department is a fucking travesty, is not at all fucking needed for what I am doing with my life.
I'm really, really, really fucking pissed off. I can barely type this out, to be honest. I really want to be made whole because these fucking academic pieces of shit have taken the best years of my life from me.
Short of that, I really want to hurt some people bad.
>getting stuck in the friendzone
>not sacrificing everything to enter the twilight zone
>not coming back when it's too late
>not being in the year 2020 when there's only a few human survivors left
>not literally being in the bonezone
I don't know this abstract feel.
I'm currently failing 3/3 as a freshman in college, yet my family thinks I'm doing decent, and doing the homework. I haven't done jack shit for either of my classes, I honestly don't know why I'm in college. I mostly go from, my perspective, to be in a social environment and get out, but I have learned a bit through lectures, it's just that this is not what I expected from college, and I'm completely unmotivated and have been smoking cannabis as a crutch once again.
I spend 16 hours a day in bed.
I have purposefully alienated people in my life in fear of them finding out something about me.
I don't attend anything besides some labs.
I don't know what I need to do in my life and 2 different therapists have done nothing for me.
I have like 2-3 things left in my life that I still enjoy.
What do I actually do?
Everybody I job interview with wants me out of the building as quickly as possible.
>likes boy (he'll be Q) for 3+ years, gets rejected twice
>friends don't get why Q doesn't like me, I'm decently attractive & smart w/ similar interests and hes always complaining about tfwnogf. I give up & a friend in our circle asks me out
>Q refuses to hang out with us and talks a bunch of shit on me
>relationship w/ friend doesn’t work out, we break up
>Q kind of ignores me now but is occasionally nice
I just don’t get it bc all of us always had a good time & got along, so did he get jealous? This all happened over a course of 3 months, starting w/ my final rejection. I hate that I still care about him and I really want our group back (he kind of split the crew), can I do anything about this or am I gonna have to wait it out or move on?
I live in a flat with 2 girls.
One I get on fine with, we're chatting in the kitchen for ages about south park and world of warcraft and just fuck whatever it doesnt matter.
The other, doesnt talk to me, because we slept together a few weeks ago when we got drunk, and then she told her girlfriend, and then they broke up
But now they're back together.
And we still arent talking. And then her and her girlfriend walk into the kitchen. My other house mate says hi to them, it all seems very friendly other than the fact that I'm just standing there staring at my phone. I mustered a little wave while sipping my team when hello's were exchanged
God damn its so fucking awkward I've just retreated to my bedroom. I just wanna pretend it never happened and be comfy with my housemates again
>my face the entire time
Why can't you answer the question? I've made my goals clear that I wanna date you when you come back in town, any time I try and talk about what are we going to do or how you feel all I get is "I have feelings and they scare me" well fuck you! You scare the hell out of me. I've gauged this question a lot and you outright ignore them and then talk to me like you never saw it. If you don't wanna date then fucking tell me I feel like you're just leading me on so I can be your orbiting beta fuck. You make me wanna commit murder more so than ever. I'm this close to just cutting contact with you entirely cause you make me feel like shit despite being nice and stuff.
I DON'T WANNA BE WITH MY GF ANYMORE.. the sex is not that good.. We don't communicate very well.
My family loves her, it's time for me to settle down and i don't think i will find anyone better.
We live together, she owes me a lot of money. She is a good kindhearted person. i don't want to hurt her.
Im in the military and will be leaving my hometown for a few years, i know that means my friendships will likely fall apart but there are a few that i really want to try to maintain i just wont be ale to communiacate a lot. I also learned today that one of them who is like my younger sister sucked this douchebags dick which is really bothereing me since shes like the furthest thing from a slut, or was.
The girl that I'm trying to rebuild my relationship with told me she was talking with some guy last night after we've been split up for two months. After that we agreed that we're going to be friends with benefits (We've fucked well over 20 times), go out and all that. We agreed that she wouldn't be talking with anyone and neither would I. But this happened yesterday, and I'm honestly having a problem trusting her. What do I do
It's just me, or you are really throwing a lot of indirects to me? The other day I tried to small talk to you, but you went with all dry monosyllables, if you were upset with me.
If you want to talk to me, just do it, you know that I don't have any drama in talking with you again; but I can't understand why you do these indirects and then act all upset.
I miss you sooo fucking much, and I hate you for making me feel this way when it clearly doesn't tear you apart. you've moved on with your life and your doing good and I guess im happy for you. but im lonely, im all alone in this fucking place, trying to put that fake smile on my face and get through each day with the fucked up mistakes of the year I thought we would run away from that town and be together. I hope you still use this website, and I hope you read this. I hope you see this and instantly think of me, even if you talk yourself into believing it was written by foreign hands. I fucking love you, even though its wrong, and it makes no sense. we both lied. we both hurt people, I consumed all of the blame and you left. without a trace or fucking warning you were done. game over. and here I am a year later, still thinking of you and drowning in my pathetic emotions. why did any of that even happen? was this all for your enjoyment? I was told you get a sick fill from watching others fall, if this was the case, wish granted. I am beside myself tonight.
I just want to lie in bed and wait to die. I don't even know how I survived this long. Surely there was something before this, but I don't remember. I don't know how to get out. Everything's disappearing.
Shit man. I know what it's like to be where you are and let me tell you, it is a hard ride. Just remember that it's worth sticking around. You have a long life ahead of you with lots of things to do.
I have virtually no conversational partners, and I'm someone who really needs to have engaging conversations. I feel all alone, like I can only talk to myself in my head. I'm really not happy with my situation, but haven't had any luck fixing it. I found one person who is a good conversational partner, but she doesn't really respond to any of my messages outside of work. Guess she's not interested in talking to me if it's not about work.
So here I am. I talk to myself in my head all day, because only a few people ever talk with me.
I just wanted to say thanks for responding. I don't know what I'm going to do about this, but it means a lot right now just to be acknowledged.
I got my shit together just enough the other day to try contacting my friends, I just wanted to get out of the house with someone, but every single one of them just ignored me. I feel like I'm a ghost.
tried to get a job for 4 whole years but ive given up
still live with parents
cant get a boyfriend because im gay and live in wisconsin which is a fucking conservative nuthouse
came out of the closet to my friends but they all left me because they "believe in the bible, not homosexuality"
my 14 year dog is being put down on tuesday
diagnosed with ocd, autism, adhd, severe depression and anxiety for 10 years and it gets worse every year and meds and therapy arent working
so afraid of all forms of denial that i practically never leave my room anymore
i cry eveyday
i cant handle this anymore
i want to die someone please kill me i cant do this anymore nothing makes me smile anymore
this world has turned me into a depressive lonely hopeless sorry excuse for a human and i cant stand this heavy weight on my shoulders and this empty feeling in my heart anymore
Life is fucking awesome right now
Everything is going well and im very happy
I do have a thought in the back of my mind though, i am afraid to lose everything
I've lost before, and im afraid it will happen again
I am so fucking unto you Caleb. I'm cool with the fact you rejected me. But don't get why. You are attracted to me too. Who cares about social norms? You're too intelligent for that. So many fantasies about us. Trying hard to forget about you.
So about 2 months ago my brother left a voicemail bitching about my other brother how he's selfish for only contacting us to pitch in for group presents for our dad.
I worked a 14 hour shift that day so I told him Im not gonna deal with his shit and he needs to watch what he says about his family because said brother has a family of his own that he has to provide for unlike us.
I decided to fly home for 10 days to visit my Dad cause I havent seen him in 2 years and the brother decided to fly out on the specific days too.
I thought things were going okay with minor complaints up until an hour ago when brother started drinking and blocked my way to the microwave and tried to start some drama by saying, "why havent you looked me in the eye the entire time you been back"
I told him Im not in the mood for this shit and just disregarded him.
Have I been purposely avoiding him? No. Subconciously? Probably. After spending 40 hours with the guy, I just dont like how he carries himself. He's annoying, greedy, and has to be the center of attention. Shorhorns himself into every conversation with his big fish. I dont complain. I dont mind being a background character. Let him do what he pleases.
Secretly I thought of being a shitty brother to him just so he takes back his opinion on my other brother from way back at the start of the story but it looks like its gonna happen anyway without me even doing anything.
Overall...am I a shitty person?
i've been depressed for awhile, and was diagnosed with major depression four years ago. i'm slowly trying to get my life back together and i'm going back to school.
i still have really bad episodes though and i think it's affecting my schoolwork. i often try to hold back tears in the middle of class and i cry for no reason. i'm just really tired and i have no motivation. i don't feel a desire to hang with any friends and some of them are noticing that i have become a bit more reserved lately.
i've relapsed too with self harm, it sounds stupid but i just had the strongest urge. how do i even control this? i do not want people finding out about my issues, but i am just so tired. i don't want to do anything
Shit that is your fault:
Can't get a job.
Live in a shitty place.
Not going outside.
Shit that isn't your fault:
So sort out the first shit, then being gay won't be a problem and your mental health will improve. There isn't a person on this planet who won't go fucked in the head with nobody to love and nothing to do. Go get a shit job, save up 2/3 thousand dollars, get on a bus to the place you'd most like to live in the world, get a shit job again, get an apartment, go on meetup.com or whatever the fuck you want to do, and BUILD yourself a real fucking life. Nobody else can or will do it for you.
Yup, yup, yup.
There is a reason why you have failed, though. Now I can't tell you what that reason is, but I can tell you there is one. Now, applying to those places was not a waste of time because it has shown you that you aren't making good applications. Honestly, though, those are the worst kind of places to look for work. Just because they employ a huge number of people does not mean they are easy to get jobs with. Here's a better way.
Think up as many mom-n-pop/ small business owner businesses that you ACTUALLY LIKE in your local area as possible. If you don't like any places, well find some places you like the look of. Coffee shops, Clothes shops, watch repair places, whatever floats your boat. Go into the store and walk straight up to the counter. Say "Excuse me, I was wondering if you're looking for work." Often it will then be appropriate to follow up with "Can I talk to your manager?". All you want to do is get an interview, or failing that a piece of paper to fill out. You're young, and you can work all hours - that combined with showing the initiative to talk to the boss will be enough to get you a job. It won't be enough to get you the job at the first place you try, maybe not even the sixth, but it will work eventually. If you DO get an interview, or a phone interview, and you still get rejected, you can call them up and ask them (politely) why. This is the true advantage of smaller businesses. I once got a job in a foreign country in which work was not plentiful and I did not speak the language with this method. You can't fail as long as you persevere enough.
God please give me the job I just applied for. Please. ...please.
My landlord is pissed that I owe him half months rent from a few months ago.
I have to pay someone for helping me with something.
I need to buy groceries.
I apply to so many jobs every day, and I even remade my resume.
What more can I do? I'm a competent person. I'm educated. I know how to do my job in a way that would benefit my employers. I just need someone to hire me.
I was sexually assaulted and almost raped when I was thirteen and I've never told anybody the full extent of it and I wish I had. But the guy who did it is in college now and seems like he's doing well I'm not going to ruin his life anymore. I sort of hinted at it with my ex and I think he got the jist but I never told him the whole thing and recently it's just been haunting me and hanging over my head and I don't really know where to go from here. He is the only person who really would listen and understand not just nod along
I know your ex girlfriend raped you, and that's terrible and you didn't deserve it at all. so why the FUCK did you rape me especially if you knew how bad it felt, you piece of shit? you were supposed to be my best friend. I said no so many times, you made me fucking bleed and you tore me, and yet I was the one holding YOU while YOU cried after. i didn't even realize it was rape at the time, you were so fucking manipulative. I didn't want to be "that girl", the kind of girl you made fun of and blamed for getting raped. you probably wouldn't even see it as "real rape" because I didn't realize at the time. fuck you, I don't need your "acceptance" for it to be real. I didn't fucking deserve it, no one does. I have ptsd now because of what you did, I can't talk about it without crying. I don't want to give you the credit or satisfaction of hurting me, I'm almost angry at myself for being affected so much. you said you loved me so much, but really, you just loved that I had finally turned 18 after you so "kindly" waited for me so that whatever you were planning would be "legal", and that I was naive enough to think you were a good person who just went through some bad times. I don't want anything to do with you ever again. I blocked your number, I can't believe you tried to text me, you're fucking pathetic. I hope no one else falls for your shit ever again. I hope you don't rape anyone else ever again. I fucking hate you, I hope you die. maybe this is why all of your exes want you dead too, you loved whining about that. poor you. I know I'm not the only one you hurt. you fucking deserve to die alone in a ditch and I sincerely hope you suffer.
you're the one getting mad tho
ok you literally talk like an anime villain this is kind of funny I can't take you seriously at all like you're trying so hard to be offensive but you're not actually saying anything original
Im 22, I look at my life and what ive accomplished and I see little to nothing. Ive spent the last 4 years wallowing in self hatred. I was depressed about alot of things, and in the last year or so ive been snapping out of it. With this comes the realization that ive essentially wasted 4 years of my life, possibly what could have been the best years of my life. Im behind in school after failing multiple classes, my relationship with my family is fucked, and it just feels like im playing catch up constantly. I feel fucking old, yet I know im young, I feel like the best years of my life are behind me and im stagnating, which in turn prevents me from making any forward progress. Im in such a haze I dont know if its the drugs, or if its just because so much shit is going through my mind all the fucking time. Im an artist, and a musician, I have ideas that sound incredible and I push them away because I dont think they're good enough, then Ill forget about them completely, im in love with the idea of success, but im too much of a fucking pussy to chase it.
I had an epiphany tonight at work! I am the problem. My fears of taking the risk of actually giving you the space you requested is leading you to push me away. I told you I was afraid to lose an amazing person from my life but my fear wouldn't let me trust you enough. I was and still am afraid you won't come back but the more I force it, the more I know it'll be less likely to happen. In a sense, I will be letting go. I need to trust you. I am truely sorry.
D, I am so sorry. I know why you have been quiet now. I will be driving to your house to tell you this on Saturday. Just give me 10min....
I loved punking out bitches like you. Even the CO's turn their heads the other way.
The only thing lower than your kind is chomo's and they get kept in segregation because we'd fuck them up.
Keep going man. You made it out after four fucking years, you can do it. My dark period lasted half a year and I purchased a rope in that time. I wouldn't have lasted as long as you if my depression went on that long.
Anyway, here's my generic problem. Met a girl, spent a nice night together, nothing sexual. Been texting a bit, then go to see her and she's with some dude, and I can tell they have something going on. She tries to avoid his advances as she says goodbye, maybe to try and stop me feeling worse, or noticing what was going on. I mean, we aren't together or anything, but it fucking hurts anyway.
I wish I could go out and brutally rape someone. Just once, just to see what it's like. I mean, I could, but I'm sure I'd get caught, I just want to do it and get away with it of course. I want to beat the shit out of some random bitch I don't know, then fuck her as much as I can as hard as I can. I want to leave cuts and bruises, really fuck up someone pretty, then not have to sort it out, just go.
I'm supposed to be studying for a test in two days and I shouldn't be anxious, but my intense fear and hatred of math is making me suicidal, so now I'm just shitposting.
It's fucking pathetic that junior high level math makes me this upset.
I can't stop cheating on him. I'm addicted to him. His body, smell, the way he tells me what he wants to do to me before he does it and the way he orgasms. I blame him for choosing porn over sex, I feel no remorse.
Are you sad? Are you feeling lonely? Let me tell you something. You brought this on yourself, just like I did, and just like all the rest of the garbage of this pathetic world... Yes I am talking to YOU.
Jokes on you in feeling fine even though my body might be failing me, which believe it or not, is mostly not my fault. I was born with a Bain tumor, which is also not my fault. It is however my fault I stay positive, stay optimistic, and keep my family close so they don't worry for me. Everything you do in your own power is your fault, so don't say something isn't when YOU DID IT. Take care of yourself and use your super powers for good.
Why is it so hard in making friends?! They expect or want something from you just to talk with you. If you don't meet their standards they either brush you off or make a living fool out of you in the pretense of being acquaintances. I am so sick of tired of trying, but after distancing myself from other people, I start to get lonely and depress, like my life has no meaning.
I'm going to write this & then screen shot this so I can always remember. so here it is.
today was a fucking disaster. started with me meeting my pals and then going to a park. had 7 cups of vodka. hadn't eaten in two days. anyway I can't remember much. I remember kissing my pal. he's only recently been married, like not even a month has passed since I went to his wedding. mind you, his wife was there, but we did it out of her sight.
i went to the shopping centre after, to meet my best friend. the guy that sexually assaulted me was there, I struck up a conversation with him. Someone paid for a taxi... I didn't immediately go home. I found myself on the lawn of some guy's house, just spewing up. he gave me a cup of water and told me to sit in his garage. I sat there. he kept asking if I was okay. then I left and made it home and slept.
I woke up at midnight, it's 2:30am now. 4 messages. from my best friend, from the guy I was seeing, my sister and my married pal. all concerned about my well being. I didn't mean to cause all this drama.
I'm hurting so bad right now. i didn't mean to make everyone so worried. and I hate myself. self-loathing seems to be my familiar companion, I talk too much, I laugh too much. I'm a narcissistic, over dramatic piece of shit. I'm jaded and cynical. I'm a failed normie. life isn't too bad. aside from the fact we're living in poverty and can't make ends meet. my sister is deep in a ketamine addiction, and has been ever since she left the house. I haven't heard from my father in a while. my brother (who lives with me and my mother), a shut-in NEET, has gone suicidal. My complaints are about nothing, but I feel justified.
whatever... I want to disappear and for everyone to forget me, but I'm also so lonely and just want everyone to love me.
I'm an idiot, and my head is throbbing.
Depression, something I kept at bay by staying working, has taken over. Anxiety has crept in too and now I feel there's no way out. I'm frightened and get nervous even walking outside.
Almost a year and a half with no job. Still living with my parents like a shut-in loser. I guess my act has been slipping lately and it's obvious there's something wrong with me. They left a note on my door the other day thanking me for my help with house work and telling me they loved me.
How can you love me? I'm a mooch. I'm a loser son that's scared to even pick up the phone. I don't have a career, money or confidence and buying a pack of gum causes me terror. I'm a shell of my past confident, outgoing self. I don't deserve any nice things. I don't deserve such nice parents and I think you and everyone would be better off without me.
It seems like I have completely fucked it up with the girl I like, being too fucking awkward and outright douchy and clingy. Now I'm in the coworkers and barely acquaintences " friend zone" because I don't know how to talk to women without being an idiot
All they're doing in inducing a state of paranoia, hyper vigilance, and a little bit of psychosis on a scammer group that deserved it. You just might be attacking the wrong person or persons. Enjoy your operant conditioning.
I had an emotional affair with some guy online. I didn't even really know an emotional affair was a thing, I thought it was just friendship. We flirted but I thought it was harmless because I rationalized it little by little. It was a slippery fuckin slope, it's like when you slowly submerge yourself in a pool because it's less cold somehow that way
i hate myself. he knows and he still stayed with me, although he almost didn't and could leave any day now, but i fucking hate myself. he's my best friend and he's the only person in my life that hasn't backstabbed me in some way, and yet
fuck, i'm trash
Is it funny that what you're dealing with is the same reason I came on advice for?
I'm just asking because I can't make it clear. You're basically getting close with the guy online but have a real life boyfriend? I really hope that's a yes, because that means our situation is so similar it's just crazy.
I can tell you what I'm dealing with currently and what I'm doing to handle if you would prefer. Or you can just know that your situation doesn't sound uncommon at all.
>desperately need friends
>am NEET, so never get the opportunity to meet anyone new
I'm so tired of college. If everything is fine I should graduate this year. Problem is that my teachers this year have completely different teaching methods than the ones from before and give assignments that make no sense. Add to that a really fucked up schedule and having to commute for ~1h just to go to college.
We have a lot of things to do in groups but I'm always stuck with my incompetent friends who don't do shit and blame me when I do all the work because "I don't do it well enough". These bitches think I can be as productive as 5 people at once despite being tired all the time because of my fucked up health. Worst part is that they very often miss the non mandatory classes to get some rest after spending all their nights on skype or watching some anime and they always ask me to give them my notes, but when I have to miss a class for an important appointment with a doctor or because I literally pass out in the middle of the street and I ask them what the class/lecture was about, they tell me that they didn't go to college even though they promise me, or they don't tell me anything because "lolololol I didn't listen to the teacher". I had huge problems because of that for an assignment because I had no idea what to do. I don't even want to call them friends anymore.
I actually feel like my whole life is all about college right now because I don't have time to do anything else anymore: no more hobbies, barely enough time to spend with my siblings, I can just go to the hospital or see a doctor once in a while. At least I have some video games releases to wait for, I guess. So I can play them during the summer break or whenever I feel like not being productive enough to pass classes.
I'm just sick of it all man.
I just want to live in a small place, on a small piece of land in Colorado near some random town, and paint. I just want to paint and wander. No idea where to sell my work, I doubt that anyone would buy it. I really don't want to upload it online anywhere but at this point I might consider making some account on a random website to sell SOMETHING. Trying to make a living but my head is still fucked. Should be on Latuda 20mg and some other stuff but poor people's insurance/doctors don't give a shit and wont follow through on paperwork. Empty promises, attitude, and self righteousness is all you get in mental health. Its getting to the point where I might just sit down and give up on life on a street corner until I starve. I don't know. Whats the point.
Hang tough anon, and realize you don't actually have friends. The majority of people are just manipulative retards who need emotional security.
Also, try planning a vacation if you have the money, or plan what you'll do for fun during holiday/summer breaks.
Reminds me of me, except I'm basically a NEET. I weep inside as I have to deal with most of your troubles, except for bonus points in that I fucking HATE SCHOOL, and am a social recluse.
My study habit is of course the good ole' fashioned night blitz (AKA, I procrastinate).
My friends are incompetent as well. The differences blink between you and I in that you should never rely on others, or help them. You need to focus on yourself as much as possible. Even in peer group shit, you need to remain independent, and prove that you're the one kicking ass.
TLDR: Carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you're done. Lay your weary head to rest...and don't you cry no more.
These people are actually really nice and fun to have around, but they're really not serious enough when they need to be, they just want to have fun. And it pisses me off more and more as we have to work together more and more often. It's true that I can't count on anybody ever though. Good thing I realized that early enough or I would have been in some deep shit by now.
Not enough money, I can barely manage the money I get thanks to a scholarship because I need to save enough in case my laptop stops working (I feel like it'll happen soon). I already know I want to work during the summer to get more money+experience to put on my resume, the real problem will be to actually find one. I live in a city where there's barely enough job and a bunch of people I know only get theirs thanks to their parents/parents' friends who get them a job through connections. I can't do that though, I have to look for a job very early compared to them, I hope it'll work.
>We won't tell you the shipping cost until after we charge your card
>Keeping the customer guessing is somehow a good' thing
I can play that game, too. It's called the 'I won't buy anything from you' game.
Tired, just tired of life, regret making wrong decisions under the influence of people who thought they knew what's best for me, I just wish I ignored them all and did what I wanted to do. I wish I just...followed my heart (sounds gay but is fucking true)
Seeing everyone get ahead in terms of relationships etc and wishing I had that but too shy and introverted for it, feel like I'll be aloneforever, all I have currently in my life that I'm happy with is the best grades in my year, and idk if that will even get anywhere
I feel so demotivated and I'm dreading life
I met this girl like a couple of months ago... We've been going out several times, we hold hands and stuff, been kissing quite a lot, still, I believe she has her shields up because she's going away to do a masters in texas A&M in february. I've told her (casually) that I'm not fixed to this town and I could do a masters on the same uni (I've been wanting to do a masters for quite a long time, since I graduated actually, so I really have no problem at all, two birds with one shot right?).
When she holds me it's amazing, she holds me really hard, and when we kiss it's really cool too, I think I'm falling really hard for this girl, it's been quite a lot since I felt this way (I'm 25). Our talks through whatsapp are pretty brieff, but we've been talking every night for at least an hour on the phone, the chemistry is quite good, we have a pretty similar way of thinking. We've been talking on the phone because she had to go to do some bureaucratic stuff back in her town. She's comming back this weekend. I'm kind of scared that she's not looking for anything serious, and I'm also scared that I mess things up with her, I think she's my Ramona Flowers hahaha. She's said that she likes me, and has also asked me what the hell are we going to do... Since we just kind of met I told her that we should keep dating and we'll think of something in the near future.
I really like her, please give me good advice, I don't want to scare her off with my crazy "got in love in a month" attitude.
>kind of geeky, likes anime and books
>I'm a mechanical electrical engineer
>kind of geeky too, likes comics, books, and video games
Fucking hell I'm so lame, I'd like opinions or advice. Thanks in advance.
Yes, that's exactly right. Except that I'm married. Maybe you could show her my post as a wakeup call, as when it was happening to me I barely even realized it because I was rationalizing so much.
You sun of a.. you butter not kneel your self to a higher power this early in your life. What about all those things you promised? All those kids you can punt to the field goal of success one day? I can't do this anymore..I'm gunna keel my self before you do. Fuckkk you see you at the finish line.. ILL WIN AT ALL COSTS. NO THERAPHY ALL NATURAL HOLISTIC COMPETITIVENESS. DONT LOOK FOR ME IM ALREADY DED. FUTURE DAD. please stop touching urself at night.
It's awful but I'm talking to a girl who's in a shitty relationship so once she breaks up I'll ask her if she wants to be fuck-buddies. Like, it feels like she wants me to encourage her to breakup with this guy but I've got nothing against him so I've been making excuses for him.
There's also an older woman who seems interested in me but she has a reputation so I might just ask if she knows where I can find other cougars. I might just ask if she's up for a round or two but it's all up in the air at the moment since I'm focusing on my studies.
You see a bunch of "p0ussy is so hard 2 get" threads on here and it's literally a matter of lowering your standards and understanding that porn has fucked your perception of women.
Is she your first girlfriend? Everyone feels intensified feelings for someone after a while of seeing them. That's good enjoy those moments with her. Some relationships last some are short but sweet. It takes pacing and timing, breathing space is important so you both make the right decisions for both your personal futures. Trust her, you're your own person with your own direction and she is too. She seems to enjoy your company so be in those moments and live in them with her. Worry is fine everyone goes through it. You just may want to know some point if you both are on the same page. How you'll say it, that's up to you. Most important is what your direction in life is so whatever happens you know what you are capable of giving and you are able to adapt in any relationship in your future.
because people don't look at causes for things they only look at the surface actions or reactions.
people also don't care about the causes and won't give a fuck to try and work with them to heal them. its a bit of selfishness on their part and a bit of, "you should be able to fix yourself by yourself and not be that way" but try to tell that to someone else and see how they react.
its hypocrisy where you have to respect peoples perceptions and everyone elses problems but fuck your problems if they get in the way of anyone else doing whatever they want.
I haven't had a true friend in awhile. and I've watched all the ones I had slowly turn into the same people with the same mentality.
people just don't want to make the effort, and no one cares about anything more than what they can see immediately. and if they do, instead of trying to figure out exactly whats inside they'd rather make their own assumptions and roll with that. it's almost never positive.
yeah, not for the reasons you think though.
eh, I'm used to it. you could all disappear from my life completely and I'd be fine. there's other people, if i want their company.
mmm, not really. and I'm getting tired of putting the responsibility of everything on me. I am always wrong and everyone else is infallible.
get over yourself.
Like anon said, patience, understanding and kindness is seen as weakness nowadays. It's competitive, noone trusts anyone, everyone is trying to claw at someones back to get somewhere and every friend isn't a friend but an opportunity to success. Honest caring friendships and even relationships is for those without lives. Quick dirty fun and fast. Great road to divorce.
Be honest with yourself and to others. be an open book if you were closed before. Sure people will see it as weakness but this is how you'll find real friends. If people bother you too much then you can smile and say yeah at least I admit it, eventually people will warm up to you or maybe they'll hate for eternity. That's life, if you can count your real friends by hand then you are blessed in life. Don't take those people for granted and don't let people take you for granted. Be the better person and be the example. Everything takes time don't rush it.
I have so much food but I wasted so much time on controlling my rat infestation with toxic poison and it affected my well being as well. Now I learned proper storage and prevention techniques and my life is better. No rats in my life neither.
That was an interesting dream, very true.
Cowardice or avoidance can also be mixed up with clarity and acceptance in certain situations. Some people in your life or situations in your life might be so toxic to your wellbeing that the only solution would be to walk away. Some fear self reflection so much that they will cling onto a person no matter how destructive the relationship could be just to avoid this. Some will even cling onto a person to blame and guilt them for everything just so they will not walk away. Sometimes distance helps people to grow. It really does.
I'm so done, 4chan. I've been going out every day, with the intention of starting to learn to meet strangers. And I can't even bring myself to talk to the bartender, or the bookstore employees outside of pleasantries let alone real strangers. I'm out hundreds of dollars, and most of my patience with myself. I'm so sick of being me. Any other person could be put into my body and do it better than I can.
>Want to better self, lift weights, get into shape, put on more weight and muscle, become more active
>Can't afford a gym
>can't afford to build own power rack or buy weights
>can't afford fucking anything because I have a shitty job and keep getting my hours cut because slow season
>literally can't even afford my bills, relying on financial assistance from others just to keep the lights on
>can't join military because lel smoked weed in college and was honest about it how fucking shameful
>can't for the fucking life of me get a better job
>never get called back for interviews even though I've put in hundreds of applications
>vacillating constantly between thisisfine.jpg and pleasekillme.jpg
I'm smart, a hard worker, respectable, hygienic, friendly, completely available, willing to travel and work shitty shifts, willing to do difficult work, fucking anything but no one even gives me a second glance. I'm tired of being too poor to do ANYTHING. All I do is sit at home and stay on the computer because I can't even afford the gas money to drive anywhere but work. Even worse, everyone keeps whining "you're a female/minority, people will hire you straight away because they have a quota to fill", implying i'm not at all qualified for the job, not that it fucking matters either way because THEY WONT HIRE ME. I've been into temp agencies and man power and even they don't have any assignments for me. I'm losing my dignity here
Friendships man, ships alright? Are you floating or sinking? Are you heading in a direction with wind in your sails? 4chan isn't your friend it's merely entertainment. Enjoy the show of life, tap a stranger in the shoulder and say "hey ain't it funny". Good luck.
I started a new job earlier this year, and became good friends with one of the girls that worked there
She became the closest thing to a best friend that I've had since probably elementary school, and she helped me more than I realized. I started to actually feel the way I used to before depression took hold of me. In a way, I guess that shows just how isolated and lonely I let myself become, since she didn't even do that much but it still made me feel way better than I had in years
But then she quit. Now, I never see her, and I've slipped back into being a lonely mess.
I wonder if I should send her a message and tell her. Thank her for making me realize, if only for a little while, that maybe things aren't so hopeless.
I also kind of wonder if she saw me as a friend the way I saw her, or if she only ever saw me as a co-worker...
I'm fucking mad at everything.
I'm mad at myself and my past decisions.
I'm mad at my best friend who has abandoned me.
The only emotions I have left are Sadness and Anger.
If I didn't have alcohol, I don't think I'd have any happiness left.
I have no future. My past is shit. What good is the present?
I've tried to find a girlfriend, but the girls into me aren't what I'm looking for. The ones that I want, don't want me.
If I could die a good death tomorrow, I'd take it.
I feel that. And I feel better when I follow that.
But I'm in my late 20s and I have a degree that is worth shit.
That's my teenage self's fault. Fuck him.
Any job I get, I'll be compared to people 10 years younger.
Why hire me ?
Even I go back to school for something useful, that's the same conundrum.
Why hire me over people younger?
I just look like a dummy who scraped his way through school.
Fuck me for having depression.
Granted, my grades are great, but I'm still old.
I think I should join the military or something.
Die there. People will see me as a hero, then. Not as a wasted potential as I am now.
I graduated as salutatorian in my high school. I was expected to be a great person. They said I'd change the world.
Now I'm living a minimum wage job. Jokes on them.
I've seen you bitch!!!! You cocksucking whore, i've seen you at the club dry fucking some old fuck. You dirty slut. You where having the time of your life you nasty piece of shit. You fat ugly bitch. How the fuck could you do this to ME!!!!???? Have I not been good for you you cunt!? You ungratfull cow. I see now who you are. It's clear to me now. You are nothing but a stank ass ho.
I feel drained all the time, now. Even if my lifestyle had changed for the better, which it technically has, I feel very unhappy, exhausted, and weakened.
For everyday I deal with all the people in my college, and everyday I apply in the workforce, and everyday I work out, it slowly eats me. I'm not angst ridden, nor pissed, nor whatever. I feel quite drained energy wise and soul wise.
I just want to focus one one task only, without the need to focus on another. School is slowly killing me, as with trying to mix that with work. I know 'Git Gud, Skrub' applies here, but really, I just want to stop, if only for a moment.
I accept the fact, anyway, that I have to juggle everything, even though I seriously feel awful. I just wish for my misery to only apply to one thing, and one thing only. I can't only go to college, as that leaves me limited for income. I can't only go working to a store every day, as that leaves me limited for options in career shit. This conundrum will never end, and will only continue until I either git gud, or die trying. God help me.
Of course, I also hate people, but I deal with them anyway. I add this because it only compounds my issues. To put it differently, where 100 people will walk, I will walk the other way.
I am a fucking imbecile. No wonder why I'm alone now.
I'm studying to become a teacher, I don't give a fuck if I don't find a job, I really don't give a shit about that. I'd get any job I can, even if it's not in my field. But I love what I study, and that is obvious since I am the the best student in my career.
But I sometimes act like if I were better than the rest, and don't want help from them. Fell in love with the other best student(girl) who is a WONDERFUL(like you have never met) person and was my best friend. We got along so well, but she had been(And still is) in a relationship, for 6 years now. And I wanted to get in the way of that, and not only I did not get the girl but ruined that beautiful FRIENDSHIP that was the only thing that kept me connected with the rest of my classmates.
Now she doesn't talk to me. We went from being BFF to not saying hi to each other. And she's the most popular girl in college, everyone likes her, and she is the one that throws all the parties. And I'm no longer invited.
After I got isolated from her and the rest, I became even better student, leaving everyone far behind. I'm actually doing my career faster than what it's expected. But I'm still an asshole, maybe more than before. Nobody wants to call me for projects because they think I'm too arrogant and can't work as a team. And they are right, all these small successes are worth nothing, because I don't have anyone to share them with.
My life is shit and I should feel ashamed. I'm a disgusting human being. I sometimes want to kill myself.
Today there were doughnuts in the break room and I was watching this real fat guy eyeballing them. I got so turned on by it too. Not him sexually but the thought of what would go through his mind when he finally got his chubby hands on one.
I had a best friend who happened to be gay and be in love with me. I stopped all contact with him after this. Some days ago I saw him in the bank, he was in the same line I was supposed to go. So I just left and came back 20 minutes after, thinking he would have been gone. But I walked past him as he was leaving and he saw me. It was the awkardest moment in my life.
Did I do the right thing?
Most in shady practices like MLMs are sociopaths to others outside their circle. Gay Jays are gay people in denial but pretend to be masculine to keep up with appearances. Then there's career men who lie for the progress of their organization or cause. Then there's sociopaths who have extreme trauma from childhood that constantly learned that lying was the only way to be accepted. The there's compulsive liars and cleptomaniacs but are also sociopathic in nature. Then there are cult leaders and higher ups in organization that lie about their credentials and loves to portray an image to the media for marketing purposes.
Anyone can be a sociopath, psychopath, narcissist, histrionic and all kinds of diagnosis. Most people are products of their environments and culture. Psychiatry has taken advantage of these diagnoses to create an industry to sell you a band aid fix. When all you needed was a good old fashion intervention, physical diet, theraphy, a confession booth and a good support group to recover from bad traits and behaviors. Parents should know this better.
Seems about right since everyone is anonymous and is probably pretending to be someone else online anyway.
Enlightenment to the truth of life through secret teachings and indoctrinations makes everyday drama seem comical and irrelevant. However it comes with a price; You are punishible by blackmail and death if you choose to share information or leave. Your initiation ceremonies and ritual initition rites will be used against you if you choose to go against the laws of secret societies. You can be protected and immune to the laws of normal society through membership brotherhoods but the same brotherhood assures your loyalty by blood.
>not everything is life is peachy at the top
>sometimes it's best if you have no identity
With great power cums great responsibility.
Why must you keep arguing with someone who has the wisdom of the universe on his side. It's almost like crashing your car into the side of a brick building because you're mad.
Just remember, there are no good or bad actions. It's all just exchanged energy for survival and for remembrance of your existance. Death is amensia, be glad you can be restored with our human learned wisdom if you ever come back as a human again. Invest in a tombstone and be a positive influence if you don't want to come back as a worm.
Yeah, so if you regret me that much, can you not randomly remember me? Like jhst kinda focus on shit yoj won't regret and won't be wasting your time with. That would be better than the random as fuck jabs I sometimes get on a different board. One day you'll get a time machine and return to 2013 and smile. But until then I'd appreciate it if what you choose to do didn't somehow have a negative impact on me, I am tired of getting blamed whilst irrelevant. Not that it's your fault, but it's unnecessary all the same.
You're an idiot and I hope to see you burn across a street. This is Satan, not just any anon, you dumbass.
I heard rumors as a boy that Satan loved to use drugs. Turns out I, alongside the Pentecostal church, are wrong.
Awkward to live in a world designed 15cm of average height ago.
All this hunching for low tables, drawers and sinks means I look like a dressed up caveman.
I think I'm going to talk to that girl I saw the other day in the cafeteria. All but two of my classes got cancelled so i sat with a guy I went to high school with who used to be one of my best friends. He might not show up tomorrow and I'm going to have the same hour open again that I did Wednesday. So I think I'll just ask to sit with her at 11:00 and talk. It's worked before. And the last time it was with at a table with a bunch of girls. Though come to think of it I didn't bother to see if she sat alone. If she doesn't sit alone it could make the experience a little less focused. We'll see how it goes. I don't know if I'm going to play later on tonight. I haven't been out there in a month and haven't been practicing any songs. And I'm not sure if the girls I usually go with are going to be ther either. But I also can't think of a reason they wouldn't be. Lay few times it's been either going to see Rocky horror or because they had a band competition. But I don't think anything is going on. I really don't like going by myself. Usually half the fun is meeting up with them. I seriously need to go to bed. I gotta test in biology. I don't think I'll want to take a nap with all my down time. I'll probably work on my papers if I don't end up talking to that one girl i saw.
so upset to see you with that guy. but it's not like we're together, i know, so you aren't to blame for hurting me. my feelings don't care that you're playing by the rules. i feel like shit.
I now have my biological father's cell number. And was told he had mine, was given it a bit back.
I've never talked to him. He was never in my life. Didn't run out, moved before even knowing mom was pregnant.
I want to get to know him. Just that really. But I don't know if he wants the same. He could have sent me a message. He's had my number. Someone even showed him my picture.
I wish I knew if he was just anxious or really didn't want to talk.
I could take either. It's the waiting around that hurts and makes me anxious.
I'm pretty disgusted at myself. I have a huge fucking infatuation with this guy from work, let's call him H. Like holy shit. Whenever I see him all I want to do is to hug him and cuddle and hold his hands forever. He's in my dreams every other night. I seriously cannot stop thinking about him and it's horrible. I want to stop. I NEED to stop. I want him to get a girlfriend or be gay or something so he can thoroughly break my heart and i can move on.
It's been so bad. I'm engaged and in the middle of planning my wedding. I actually almost had a breakdown a few nights ago and almost told my partner to call it off. I feel so sure that I just don't feel anything for him anymore. Whenever I see him, I see H. When he touches me, kisses me, I wish it was H instead. My fiancé is such a gentle soul. I don't want to break his heart. But at this rate, maybe I don't deserve him.
I'm so terrified that it will develop to be more than an infatuation. I had a chance to tell H my feelings in the hopes that he will crush them down (which I was sure he would), but I chickened out. I don't want to make it awkward. But what if...?
I need help.
Hard to sum up on here. I've put in lot of effort, talked quite a bit to people on that side of the family. He was given my number. People who know him are surprised he didn't try. And.. I guess they gave up and gave me his instead.
Just... knowing that he can contact me if he wants, makes it seem bad if i force it or he isnt ready. Could just cause more problems.
All I ever needed was to be saved from myself. A tough childhood, being abused by my parents haunts me almost daily, I'm going to die alone because I'm too much of a fucking snowflake. I'm losing all cares and feel like a time bomb.
And I'm soon to explode
Also meeting my brother who I've never seen before on Sunday, he's just came out of an asylum for manslaughter... Going to ask him if he wants to join me on a little adventure. Should be good
Ashamed of what? Too much backstory for me to try to explain.
He didnt leave me. He left my mom before he knew she was pregnant. She insisted he stay away since he didnt want to get married.
It's... all just complicated and difficult.
I thought of making my own thread for this but I wouldnt even know where to start.
I basically just have a single friend, that I have known since pre-school. We aren't very close friends however, just old buddies basically.
My bond with my cousins is stronger than just friendship though.
Still sounds like you just want friends to me.
Well, whatever happens, I hope you get a happy end .
You know acting on those feelings probably won't end well, for what is worth though I'm rooting for you.
He didnt walk out.Never knew him. Someone talked to him and relayed that he'd be open to talking if it's what I wanted.
So there's no donor type thing. Mom got pregnant and told him after he'd moved states.
No divorce, no marriage, not a donor.
He's probably nervous. I think he'd be happy if you talked to him. Assuming you're not going to be all "dad gib money I need presents please spend money on me" guilt tropping him, but it doesn't sound like the case
I'm content on just being able to spend time with the girls, and enjoy their company. The moments I have shared with them have easily been the best moments of my life during the last few years.
I love reading this board... So many problems, so much feeling and I'm just sitting here and reading all these... I feel nothing. No I'm not that depressed guy "oh I feel so empty inside" I just love doing this. All these strong emotions why can't you just get over it? I don't get it. I was sad, furious etc.. But after a day I feel nothing. Why can't you do this anon? Just tell me, I love to listen all these pity things
I learned that I should overcome my insecurities and actually talk to the person that I like. Or flirt or whatever is considered as normal behaviour. But still, it hurts. I'm sorry that I acted so weird around you, but your presence made me so nervous, you literally took my breath away. You must have thought I hated you, but I didn't. I'm so sorry. Knowing that I won't see you anymore in a couple of weeks makes me sad, but calms me down at the same time. I will definitely be able to move on, when I won't see you around. I just.. I wish I had been able to talk to you back then. Just do me one last favour: Bitte, werde wenigstens glücklich mit ihr, Sid.
I don't have any job experience right now and I think I'll look for a job for this summer or an internship pretty soon. I can only bullshit that I've done some baby-sitting and helped the kids do their homework because I do that with my little sister anyway, but that's it. Everyone I know in college either don't need a job because their families are rich and willing to help them anytime they can, or they can get jobs because of connections, etc. It makes me feel miserable, especially because people don't take me seriously because of my looks (short and skinny 21 years old girl who look like a middle schooler) and because I have nothing to put on my resume other than my years in college. I'm scared that it'll give me problems for my mandatory internship that I need to have in order to get a degree in 2 years. Whenever I ask help to my family they just laugh at me and make me feel even more stupid and useless. I don't know what to do.
I wish I was less neurotic. I can't enjoy anything I do, and everything I do just makes it worse. I just want to be able to sit at the open table next to a girl at *insert anywhere* and spark up a conversation, but instead I feel like everybody has signed this secret contract to ignore me. As much as it would make me feel better to just blame everybody else like that, I know they're all fine, it's just me.
I'm an unemployed piece of shit lawyer sitting around on the couch all day vaping weed. I can make enough money getting by with contract review stuff but the work is few and far between and every permanent job i've applied to over the last 8 months has shot me down at the phone interview stage, probably because i'm fucking retarded at talking to people. My friends treat me like shit (make plans then completely ignore all phone / text, make plans with other friends without me, i'm constantly hearing about shit last minute and feeling like i'm not included or really valued at all). Luckily I'm decent looking and have a good gym schedule so I can go out and get laid if i want to, but i'm kinda just disgusted at the quality of women that i'm hooking up with. I just feel like a total fucking loser. My day schedule consists of sleep till 10, get high, go to the gym, play video games, get high, watch the daily tv and maybe a movie, then bed. I actually have started feeling suicidal recently... not like id actually do anything but just the call of the void, you know? Like when you're standing on a bridge and you think about just grabbing the ledge and jumping over.
>tfw a guy is hitting on me
>tfw still feeling like it's a joke
This isn't something that happens to me a lot. Feels weird as fuck.
literally everyone else has priority it feels like.
how do you think that makes me feel.
I was gonna ask you something today, but I don't even want to have the conversation now. I don't want to pull teeth to have anything more than a shallow conversation and watch you try to skip around a real answer cause you're that afraid of any sort of conflict. you can't just be honest with me on stuff and just try t oshut conversations down.
but talk to everyone else while we're together, its fine. like right in the middle of a conversation, no its cool.
and then I get on here and you have to see what I'm doing. but your phone, holy shit, you get a text while showing me something? snatch that shit up quick and hide it.
what exactly are you up to? cause you're throwing up red flags like crazy right now.
fucking everything is messed up, I feel second class in my own goddamn home half the time, you seem to be pushing me farther and farther from your life... but you love me and want things to work.
DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND WHY, i MAY BE ACTING A BIT UNHAPPY?! CAN NO ONE SEE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS SHIT?! you, you agreed, and then you jumped down my throat when other people were around.
most of society would tell me somethings fucking weird, and I'm asking for trouble. shits gonna have to change.
what? what are you trying to do? you're so goddamn tiresome. fuuuuuck. you know if things get to ridiculous I'm just out right? and I'll make sure shits fucked up right before i go right?
I am curious as to how you get away with telling people straight to their face what you're like and then get away with being that way. its actually impressive. I know you'll drop her when she figures it out. just like everyone else.
question is, whats the social landscape gonna look like when that happens. how many people's lives are you gonna fuck with? I know you don't care. you don't give a fuck for consequences... it's gonna come back to bite you in the ass.
hiding your phone.
texting the second I leave the room and acting like you didn't when I come back
going into the bathroom to text.
does no one understand that these are not good signs? but I'm just supposed to look at that and accept it right. yeah, sure.
Should I ever use the Super Like feature on Tinder? I feel like it just makes you look thirsty, to be honest. There's some really cute chicks on here though, and I want to grab their attention.
Call her out on how silly the whole thing is. Ask her if she'd also rather just forget about it and put things back to normal, man.
You gotta be straightforward if it's what you really want. Capcha: Asses
need some help guys
work in web dev while still at school, boss told me to do something differently on monday afternoon when i only had a half day on tuesday then i'm going on leave to study exams. I didn't manage to finish it all in time and I told my supervisor that on tuesday but now I got angry messages from my boss telling me that he doesn't think i'm committed to the company and we need to have a chat, I sent him a reply apologizing and told him I would come in on Monday to talk to him about it.
Am I fucked, what do I do I've only started there pretty recently. I don't think i did anything wrong but i think he wants me to come in on weekends for no extra money when he knows I have school commitments and doesn't respect that I want to have a life out of work. I could get another job pretty easily but I don't know the ramifications for my resume since this job is somewhat (im compsci) related to my field and it might look bad only having a couple months in before leaving.
its so tiresome to have to fuck peoples shit up because they're sociopathic cunts.
I don't want to. I just want to leave.
also, you are so goddamn annoying. its impressive that you're gaslighting me through other people, but I swear if you escalate this, shits gonna start going badly. you're the one thats been an asshole for the last fucking year. don't get mad at me for finally giving up.
I can hear it from here "its your fault" do you even remember who I am? you've convinced yourself I'm some asshole to justify how fucking downright shitty you were to me.
>created several worlds in my head, each following it's own strict rules
>spend years developing these worlds in high school
>literally sit in the back and fucking daydream
>I'm really into these worlds, they're basically real to me
>develop feelings for this girl from my first world
>but I can't just make her my gf, it's almost as if she's from another universe, and not just in my head
>spend last two years in high school spending my time with her, evolving our relationship
I've realized at this point that I'll never feel her touch, or see her beyond my mind, but it's absolutely soul crushing to know this, and I cannot get over her for nearly 5 years now. I wish I'd never have been such an autist and living in worlds that I've created in my head. What can I do to help myself? I love her more than anything on this planet, but it just hurts.
People keep asking if I have a boyfriend and I always say I have more important things going on, but truth is I keep falling for guys who already have girlfriends and I don't want to make 2 people break up. I would hate it if that happened to me.
I think you should write a book about those worlds and focus on that story. The fact that they seem so real to you, would be huge help when writing.
I feel like such a loser, I met this really cute guy over halloween weekend and long awkward story short I ended up adding him on FB but now I have no idea how to talk to him. I'm really bad at talking to people I like without instantly feeling like I'm being a bother so I end up just never talking to them but I don't know what to do??
You got carried away with your need to lash out, and your friends enjoyed joining in. There's one sentence from this month, never forget it. I was stupid for ever caring, but at least 2016 won't be a year in which I ever interact with you. Do not cast yourself as a victim of anything when your hostile actions gave birth to this resentment.
I've been feeling the need to open my wrists with a razor blade for months now. I feel bad and broken, like if something inside me doesnt want to work anymore. I have a boyfriend and a daughter, and im trying so hard to make things go on that I am becoming numb to my own will. I cut myself like once a week, i have bulimia, anorexia and severe depression.
I've been through enough in my life and i think i'm done and that I have nothing more to offer to my family.
I feel like a Shitty mother, a horrible person and walking garbage
i know you're not in love with me. after all these years we've been together, it's almost natural. You love me, how could You not. women like me, that treat you the way i do, are hard to find. but you're not in love with me. you don't need to touch me, you don't need to be in my arms, you don't long for my touch or my body. I'm the woman that cares for your kids, and until you have enough of videogames, porn and your own hand and wish for a real woman's mouth and/vagina on your cock, you don't feel the need to display affection to me. i have nothing against porn. i watch it too. but i do get jealous sometimes. i wish i had your attention as often as xvideos does. i never say no to sex, how could i. its the only chance to be in your arms for around an hour. but i wish we also cuddled every now and then. I'm too proud to tell you these things, to proud to tell you my soul is thirsty. to tell you this would be to look weak and needy. And it would also put you in an awkward position; either you force yourself to be more affectionate and give me fake hugs and kisses that will hurt more than what they would heal, or you don't, and become a selfish asshole. i don't know how to solve this, or if i can. you're the love of my life. you're not in love with me.
but man i wish you still were.
Oh my god, please please please see a professional. YOu have people that love and depend on you more than you could ever imagine, I would do literally fucking ANYTHING to have just a single person care for me half that much. The love of a child is a precious gift, don't squander it.
I was actually okay for awhile for the first time in forever, but slowly yet again I got taken down bit by bit. I can't do anything right, apparently. Every time I try to dig myself out it gets worse.
I miss you, I like you more than you know, but I read you wrong and I'm an idiot.
Fuck you for ditching me and being difficult on top of it, and not having my back when people were jumping on me.
Fuck you for accusing me of something ridiculous and unbased. Fuck you for making me look terrible in front of someone I have a lot of respect for. Now I can't show my face in someplace I actually really enjoy being.
I really just want to disappear for awhile, but I know it won't help anything.
This is dumb as fuck, but I like the guy my friend likes.
she's known him longer and dated his friend for 2 years, recently dumped him. I don't know if he even likes or is attracted to her, but I feel awful and I'm trying to stop liking him since she's known him longer. It doesn't help he always calls me cute either. How do I stop liking him?
I'm not expecting any real advice but I wouldn't mind it.
I don't want to kill myself butt don't see my life getting any better in any conceivable way. This is the part where I start trying crazy stuff that won't get me in to much trouble to see what happens right?
Your foresight is blinded by your bad mood. Don't trust yourself at all, you aren't thinking straight.
Do the next indicated action to get your life back on track. if you need advice as to what that is, or anything else, ask us. Unless it's some faggy shit like "hurr wut iz best way to kil self (no pain plox im a bich)" we get like 5 of those a day already.
I'M ABOUT TO LOSE MY FUCKING MIND OVER THIS GAME. I SINCERELY WANT TO KILL MYSELF OVER HOW ANGRY THIS IS MAKING ME.
FUCKS SAKE 2K WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Oh don't worry I'm past suicide.
My main problem is I can't get through college or get a relation ship going. I'm legitimately attracted to both sexes so you'd think it would be easier but it's whatever.
I have bad mood instability that I take mood stabilizers for and focus problems. I have tried several, several, medications and the side effects have nearly ruined my college career and gpa. Stimulants make me hear voices, non stimulant add meds make me really depressed and unable to get out of bed, antidepressants worsen my mood swings, antipsychotics and mood stabilizers destroy my focus and make me sleepy at the wrong side, you get the picture. Been on meds for 2 years without finding the right dose.
I really want to die. Not by suicise but by an accident or a heroic death of some kind. Otherwise I feel like I'm eventually going to lose my mind from the stress, even with the medications I take specifically for stress.
Got a $1 month of Gamefly so I ordered some 3DS games I was too stingy to buy.
Was so goddamn excited to play the Hatsune Miku game after I finished Layton vs. Ace Attorney that I carried the cartridge around the house with me. I'm 90% sure I took it into the bathroom with me when I went to take a dump (while still playing the 3DS). Finished the dump, went back to my room, finished the game, and only then did I notice I no longer had the Miku game cartridge with me.
I'll be fucking damned before I let a goddamn Hatsune Miku game lose me the 30 bucks I'll have to pay to Gamefly if I can't return it. But how the fuck am I supposed to find a 1inch square cartridge? I can't remember the last time I've lost something so completely.
I just want friends. My boyfriend seems to be having so much fun with his, I join them in their gaming sessions sometimes but I wish I had a group of decent people of my own. I only have one true friend and the rest are just people who are keeping me around in case they can potentially date me. I feel so alone. Think I'll look into some forums or something.
I met a guy last halloween while ridiculously drunk and I let him charm and con me into bed with empty promises of dates and all the flattery in the world. I also, apparently, gave him my number and he gave me his. I woke up the next morning disgusted with myself and tried to sneak out, and he caught me and insisted I come back and get to know him. And I should have said no, like I always do, and I should have left.
We didn't talk for 3 months, and he came back out of the blue, 'I thought I lost your number, turns out I didn't (o:'. I shouldn't have replied.
10 months. 10 months of back and forth arguing, drama, baiting, teasing. We never had sex again. Always slept in the same bed together if we did see each other. Constantly fighting, ignoring each other. He moved to another state, and still comes back. He wasted 10 months of my life for his own selfish satisfaction, and finally told me he only wanted to have sex with me in October.
So I blocked him on everything, minus facebook, because we're not friends on facebook. And it was quiet, for 3 weeks. And then I found his facebook this afternoon, and I blocked that, too. And then, he texted me almost 10 minutes later.
And like every single time I asked him why he would continue to bother me and try when I've told him no, he ignored me when I asked for an explanation. But he accepted my rejection quietly and politely this time, for once, instead of telling me I wanted it, that I loved him.
He fucked with me for a year. And I hate him.
And I know he didn't delete my number when I asked.
I give it 1 month, tops.
I just wish he would stop, or give me a reason, because this isn't healthy or normal.
Fuck I just made a whole thread on my problem...
I exhausted every effort and made an ass out of myself with the guy I thought (honestly, still think) was my soulmate. Felt like I became the typical cray-cray girl. I had texted every few weeks to stay in contact- after being shut down the last time, I removed myself from the situation until I got obscenely drunk and broke down. No response this time...
Spoke to my friend who found her "one" and realized I was no where near cray-cray. Now I think I was extremely reserved.
Feeling a lot better!
dear K. please stop being so sketchy when texting with your co-workers. you're so obvious when texting to a dude or dudette. it is affecting our marriage, from my side though. I dont hide anything, please do the same. you say Im always angry, and is because of that. but if I say it to you, you answer the typical "you dont trust me." well, dont be so fucking sketchy then. maybe you're not having an affair with one of your co-workers, but your actions make me think like there really is something.
Well thanks for never talking to me again and leaving me wondering as opposed to telling me you weren't interested anymore.
Regardless, thanks for being there for me last night, Eric. You're a true friend and I needed someone to help me forget about her. Fuck severe infatuation
I know what you're trying to do. Your current relationship is dull and boring but a safety net for you so you're not willing to leave. You just want something fun on the side. Sure I understand that. But you need to own up to it and stop acting like you're going to trick me into doing something solely for your pleasure. You see I reject your innuendos and remind you that you're in a relationship and I'm only interested in a serious relationship instead of being a side fling. You lie and say I'm being paranoid and you're just being a "friend". I have single male friends who don't bring up their sexual prowess at least once in a conversation unless they're specifically talking about another woman or call me up 10 at night wanting to do "something i dunno" or get angry when I am spending my nights with someone else, whether it be friend or family. Guess you feel like you're missing your chances but take a hint.
And I do not believe you when you tell me your relationship is basically nonexistent. No man who isn't wanted by his woman is going to stick around living with her. If you're "just friends", how come you make sure to only call me when she's at work or schedule our study sessions when she's away? I wasn't born yesterday. Time to stop the bullshit.
I remembered you today. You had huge tits and smelled really great. Even 10 years later I get a boner thinking about you. Wherever you are, I hope you're doing OK. You were a great friend and you had such a wonderfully nice personality. It was like you were a beam of sunlight whenever you were around. I know that you had your own personal problems - and I'm sure like everyone you face your own issues even now - but it's my wish for you that you overcome them and that you lead a happy and fulfilling life.
Here's a story about my crush of 3 years
>be 18,last grade of highschool
>in love with a girl from my class since the first day i saw her
>she's 9/10, thought of her like she's way out of my league
>In first grade I was cringey and awkward as any 15yearold would be
>became friends with her and some other guy, they were soon only people in my life
>somehow I was talking with my friend about her, and he noticed that I have feelings for her
>few weeks later they got in a relationship
>I was fucking devastated, didn't speak to that friend ever again and the girl was my only friend I could talk to
>Got lonely and desparate
>6 months later she broke up with him, thought I might have chance with her
>One day when we were hanging out I confessed only to be rejected, she had a crush on some other guy at the time which I didn't know of
>I felt down, didn't know what to do, talking to her was awkward and I didn't have anyone else
>Didn't talk to her 3 months, got over her
>Once school started again we started talking again as we had to see each other every single day
>She got together with her crush and they're currently 5 months in relationship
>We were just talking in school and there was a party yesterday, her bf didn't come and I was there
>Whenever she saw me she kept hugging me and kissing me on cheek.
>2 am, she had to go home and I wanted to go home aswell, we were both drunk
>Walk her home and at her house she stops and thinks for few seconds,tells me that she loves me and leans in for a kiss
>I go for it and even tho it was few seconds it felt like fucking heaven
>she turned away and started walking to her house and told me not to tell anyone
>Woke up this morning with msg from her that she's sorry, she was too drunk to think normally and she doesn't know why did she kiss me(she wasn't really drunk, still conscious) and told me to forget about it, that it'll be our little secret
Idk what the fuck to do
I hate being unemployed. I mean, it's better than being at my last job, but waking up every day to check my emails and find no one has responded back to my inquires is crushing. It's not even like I work in a massive field so there's not a lot of places I can apply for. It sends me into a spiral of self-pity and worsening thoughts about my life goals and abilities. I have nothing to occupy my days. The only reason I set an alarm in the morning is to maintain some semblance of a normal lifestyle. I force myself to go out to a coffeeshop, or for a walk, just to have an excuse to put on clothes and not waste away but it all feels so foggy and hazy. The constant rain here doesn't help. I just want to go back to work and do something that I love again. Be productive and functioning and contribute something beautiful every damn day. But each morning of an empty inbox wears me down so much. I don't know how I'm going to manage.
I know we're just Fwb but I like you. I never meant to have feelings for you but they happened some how. I'm sorry I slept with D. I knew it would upset you but I did it anyways. I think a part of me was mad about you sleeping with H and that's why I did it. You called me gross and disgusting after we had sex last night and that hurt. It made me cry. You have always been so nice I'm disappointed to know you'd say something to hurt me intentionally. I'm disappointed that I still want you and I'd drop D in an instant just to talk to you.
Well, I'm kind of a mediocre person. Got "friends", nice family, but that isn't what i want. Right now I need to finish a work, and in my mind its like "if I failure this one more, I'm out of this life".
Help me, anons!
I was meant to have a catch-up with a girl last week but she pulled out at the last minute because she forgot she had family plans. It's fairly obvious that she gave an excuse so I've already deleted the texts. She asked if we can push it back a week but I've moved on and I don't expect a follow-up message.
It was just an excuse to go drinking but I'll just organise something with the lads instead.
Does anyone here own Jean Paul Gaultier's 'Le Male'? I'm torn between that and the new 'Ultra Male'.
I miss you. Do you feel anything when you hear this song? I would send this to you, but they say you shouldn't try to get back with a girl you dumped you.
So I met this girls last night at a coffee house that I play. I hadn't actually been there for a month. I got there a few minutes early enough to see the guy running the show time to set things up. I sat down at an empty table and watched. Then this red haired girl walks up to me looking very happy to see me. She says something about how excited she was for me to be back. I told her I had a few things come up (weddings, Halloween, other plans etc.) and I was happy to be back. She went on to mention how she was waiting for me to comeback because she liked the songs I played and thought I was funny. I thanked her for the compliment and she went back to setting things up. I sat with her around the end of the nigh and kinda talked here and there with her. Before leaving I got her Snap and she sent me a few before going to bed. I kinda flirted with her a little, calling her cute, nothing big. She snaps me all day today. I don't mind, and I try to rely when I can. We've made plans to hang out with tomorrow. Like going to the mall then to a bonfire. Which I'm cool with. I'm between jobs and school is a little slow right now. She got to talking about how she think sI'm going to think she's boring. So I was trying to be nice and say that I dodn't think that was tru. Then she starts asking me questions. Like, Why I even wanted to talk to her. As I mentioned, I think she's cute. She's a redhead, which scores massive points for me, she has an ass, and she was funny. The she describes herself as feisty. And that's when it got a little weird. She called herself feisty and then asked for my definition on the word.
I agree, turn it into a story. I have a similar situation, and though I hope that someday it's good enough to be shared with others, just writing for myself is cathartic enough.
I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I really wanted to adopt you- there was something about your picture that made me want to make you my new pet. I spent hours filling out applications and trying to contact the rescues after I saw you. As upset as I am, I'm also incredibly angry at how inconsiderate people can be, and terribly dissatisfied with the system we have in place for unwanted animals. The worst part is, I think they ignored me. I think they blatantly overlooked my messages even though there were hours before it was too late. I should have driven there immediately and forced my way.
I feel like I failed you, even though I never met you, ashamed that I care so much about you over the thousands of others that are gassed on a daily basis for no reason other than being homeless. It's unfair that you ended up like this, but at least you had a better life than most. I'll save your sister, if no one else saves her before me.
>Satanic trips makes this stranger than it would normally be
I gave her an answer that when the word feisty comes up I think of small dogs like Chihuahuas or some shit. Then she tells me to elaborate. I kinda go on that and she keeps pushing it. I finally break down and tell her I think it means she is either aggressive or a flirt. She doesn't respond for a little bit. Then tells me she's not a "damn flirt." I ask her Where she's going with this and refer to her as Ms. Freud. She calls me an ass and then explains that she just likes asking questions because she "Inquisitive." I found it a little invasive. She's trying to go to bed but won't quit messaging me about how she can't sleep because she's anxious, Her thigh is doing something weird and her boobs are keeping her from sleeping on her stomach. I gave her a musical recommendation for going to sleep. Now she's quit.
I'm thinking this is going to go one of 3 ways tomorrow.
1.) This chick is going to scare the shit out of me with head games and I'm gonna very slowly get the hell out of there. Then try as hard as i can to weasel my way out of a relationship.
2.) I'm gonna be able to handle her asking a bunch of questions that look like head games. and we're going to really hit it off.
3.) She's going to be just as boring as she says she is, and I'm going to wish someone would just kill me.