Times you were so autistic, you were smooth
>be in shitty college bar
>walking around wasted, commenting on people's costumes
>see 7/10 dressed as green skittle
It was before they changed to the terrible green apple
>"green skittles are my favorite"
>she blushes looks me up and down and says, "well how about you buy me a drink"
>i crack a smile and say no
>walk away only to notice the spaghetti volcano that just drowned this gril
I'll chip in
>meet girl at grocery store
>talk a little, trying hard not to fedora over her
>I bought a few cans of dr pepper
>we walk outside
>she tries to say goodbye
>she's 1 foot away from me, and i decide to wave
>can explodes like nothing i've ever seen before
>she's covered in sweet, sweet liquid.
>start to laugh really hard
>she called me a twat and threw pancake mix at me
>be two weeks ago
>after party post rave
>someone gave me bad drugs (meth not molly)
>9/10 coked out qt keeps talking to me
>too tweeked out to be charming
>finally just turn around, walk to a booth and sit down so I can avoid imploding on myself
>she follows me
>sits in my lap, grabs my hair and pushes my face into her boobs
>I look unphased cause of bad drugs
>makes out with me in front of friends
apparently I looked smooth as fuck, while I was trying to keep my teeth from sliding outta my mouth the whole time
>be hanging with some friend in a summer night some years ago
>there were some girls there too
>there is this one who is a 8/10 body, 7/10 face
>That girl comes to me and says:
"Hey Anon, wanna go for a walk?"
>she leads me to an abandoned house
>once we arrive there she tells me:
"So, what we gonna do now?"
>I tell her I dont know
>she tells me:
"Im up to do anything"
>I understand what she wants
>I want to fuck her but im too beta to do anything
>try to do something
>pick a stick that was in the ground
>brush the stick in her boobs
"Cmon, what do you want to do?"
>And me, for fucks sake, say:
"Lets go outside and look at the stars"
And so we did for about 2 minutes before she said she was leaving.
She never spoke to me again
>with a friend walking down street
>talking about our endeavors with the female species
>we're both full spaghetti 24/7
>pair of qt3.14 coming up ahead.
>wind, north north west 15 klicks, target bearing southwest at 5 klicks. Locked on. Evasive maneuv--
>"Hey anon, remember that bet last week you didn't pay up on?"
>"I remember a bet..."
>"yeah fuck you. Go ask one of those girls out. "
>battle plan is formulating
>approach the blonde one who's an 8/10
>blink eyes as hard as possible
>"Hey, your phone number. Hmm?"
>she looks back to her friend, friend shrugs.
>tilt my head forward slightly and do a hand gesture as if passing the next action to her
>1 minute later I approach my friend with Sarah and Lyndsay's phone numbers.
>go onba date with Sarah.
>fuck it all up.
>only works once
>friends with girls at uni
>6 of them in their house, all hot
>7.5 out of 10 asks me tag along to a cinema trip with them
>supposed to be meeting my friends but fuck it
>meet at their house
>taxi to town girls are laughing and joking
>feeling like a gay best friend
>when did i get this beta?
>whole thing starts to feel awkward
>get to cinema
>what movie anon?
> after school walking around with qt girl I have a crush on
> talking to her about random shit
> she takes out a piece of gum while i'm sperging about the conversion
> ask her for one
> tells me she's out
> aww oh well
> says that I can have some of the gum she's chewing but I have to get it with my mouth
> tell her nah it's fine
>3+ years later oh shit as I realize this
I dont know, but it sucks
Im good looking so I can make them interested in me, but then im too beta to make a move, even though I am fairly certain tey are interested
The same shit is happening right now with my "pseudo" gf
>Be chubby chaser
>Last day of college classes before graduation
>Prof tells us we can go, classroom starts to empty
>7/10 comes up to me and tells me I'm funny and wants to hang out
>Tell her to eat a few sandwiches and give me a call
>Put on aviators and strove
>Girl left standing in utter confusion
>go to ex-gf's house to get some of my clothes
>knock on door
>can see through glass on door she's home
>she ignores me
>few hours later
>in front of my house hanging with roommates
>truck pulls up in front of house
>big badass mofo gets out with a purpose
>turn around and recognize ex-gf's stepdad's truck pulls up in front of my house
>ex-gf's ex-con prison tattoo covered brother-in-law gets out of truck
>in spite of this he's a pretty cool guy
>think "what a coincidence he's here"
>say in a friendly voice "hey man, how's it going? good to see you"
>he's caught off guard
>have a friendly chat
>roommate says "what the fuck was that? i thought that dude was going to kill you. i was almost ready to go into the house to get a gun"
>other roommate agrees
>i'm like "what the fuck are you talking about"
>they say when he got out of the truck he was coming after me
>totally didn't recognize the danger
>later found out from ex that what roommates said was true
>she sent him over to kick my ass
Are you Murrican? How do Murrican college girls look like? I know that in USA women over 30 are well expired and fat, but what about young college gurlz? I heard that Canadian gurls are fucking ugly even when they are young, but I hope it is different with Murrica.
Heres a hint next time you are alone just kiss her, simple will progress things at least a little. You can explain your fucking autism and she will take the wheel which I actually enjoy.
>be 15 years old
>thinking i'm a stone cold badass, but clearly a weird nerd
>get Domino's with friends at shopping center
>8/10 19 year old rings us up
>get our pizza, go eat outside
>tell friends how i could totally get her number
>they tell me to go get it then
>did not anticipate this course of action
>walk back inside
>go up to girl at the counter with cool guy face on
>"excuse me miss, there's been an accident outside. i'll need your name and number for insurance purposes"
>she is really confused, reaches for a pen
>stops as she picks it up
>"hey wait a minute."
>i leer at her
>she laughs nervously
>i stand there for another 8-10 seconds before walking out
>told my friends i changed my mind
got a similar one
>be like 14 or so
>at girls house
>on balcony, every one smokes except me
>girl sais she wants to try something
>breathes in smoke, grabs my head, puts er lips on mine ans blows smoke into my mouth
>asks me how tat was
>cough, make a grimace and say it was weird
god i whish i could go back to those times knowing what i know now. age 13-17 would have been one big orgy.
its not even about being alpha. plz im begging you for my sake i dont care if you pretend to be batman or whoever you worship in your spare time. you must be like 12, i was and to an extent still am like you but i was fortunate enough to meet a girl aggressive enough to pull me out of this. it gets better if you just do what i have said
> be 16
>average school day
>walking from class to class
>about to enter class
>going to seat to sit down
>no good braindead faggot kicks my chair away
>get really angry and throw the chair
>miss mister braindead
>hit hottest girl in class
>to top it off my pants sagged down cause of the voilent throwing motion
>get laughed at
I can still hear JR saying
WHAT A CHAIRSHOT
yo dropter pepper i'm still fuckin dying
I should have gone into detail because she stopped walking to pull me into a corner and tell me this shit where teachers couldn't see us. I did ponder for a bit but ultimately said "nah it's fine." Also friend saw me and thought we were gonna kiss. You can say he's a sperg too but that wouldn't make sense because nigga was the most looked-up-to/popular guy in our small school. Jesus Christ the more I go into detail the more retarded/fake this shit sounds. What the fuck. I got another story of me being a retarded fuck but that would sound fake too.
Im 19 and only kissed a girl when I was drunk as fuck.
I barely remember it and even while in that state she almost couldnt kiss me because I was still being beta.
And I know that you are right, but its not easy to do it.
While I am sitting in my chair it is, but once I am with her..
>WHAT A CHAIRSHOT
Totally lost my composer.
do not listen to this guy. Youre doing Just fine. Girls should respect you if you're doing things at your own pace, if she doesn't understand you're not ready to kiss her yet, she's not right for you
goddammit you muthafucka, just do it. here's a story of mine for motivation.
>be 17 years old
>start meeting up with 15 year old blonde, cute hottie who I'd met at a party a year before
>we both have 3 months off for summer
>she jokes about how her mum, who's a nurse, left her a box of 100 condoms under her bed
>we meet up 4 times
>each time I don't make any move at all
>one time, as we're departing, she actually looks baffled that I haven't kissed her
>she starts seeing someone else
>she's now even more ridiculously beautiful and she's also very happily engaged
>that horrible feel when I could have been ploughing 15 year old pussy for 3 months instead of having to wait another 5 years for my first sexual experience
>MORAL OF THE STORY IS MAKE A MUTHAFUCKING MOVE
>do not listen to this guy. Youre doing Just fine. Girls should respect you if you're doing things at your own pace, if she doesn't understand you're not ready to kiss her yet, she's not right for you
ITT: assburgers give give social advice to assburgers
i love the idea of this thread and since it's for lols i think this story qualifies.
>driving behind some chick on a back country road
>get close to her car, start swerving side to side
>she starts throwing garbage out her window (at my car)
>i turn on windshield wipers, garbage is dispersed with easae
>following her, still swerving, until we parted ways when I had to head in a different direction
> Be me
> Be about 14
> Friend who is a gril and her new friend ask if i want to go over to new friends house.
> me being cool guy "only if there's food or fucking"
> new friend giggles
> as we get close gril friend leaves with some excuse
> get in shooting the shit
> she Invites me to her room
> "Ha you're not fat I know you dont have food in your room, I'm going to head out"
> barely ever speak to her again.
I have a completely not beta story about being cockblocked by my GFs friend. If anybody wants that.
you stfu and go back to your moms basement
If she is ok and you are ok then fuck have fun. but i assure you once you work up the courage or w.e it is to get over this fucking hump you will be better for it just believe in the you that believes me that believes in the you that can get this shit done
real or not, +1 internet for you for making me laugh
Fucking this. I was so blind to women's advances until a few years ago. I feel like such a faggot especially for being semi-spergish. I've never gone full supreme gentleman but boy did I get close
I did. I don't really regret it, because I learned from it, but goddamn what a missed opportunity.
she won't fucking wait if someone more bold comes along. even if you're ridiculously nervous just say something lame like "I really want to kiss you", then the moment is set up, she's ready and you can just go for it. just do SOMETHING. do anything for god sake.
>playing pool with a friend
>8/10 blonde bartender
>serves us drinks
>both of us try to hit on her
>she keeps ignoring
>drink out drinks while playing
>order another round
>she comes with the drinks
>friend ordered hot chocolate
>wanted to make a joke by complimenting the drink she made
>want to say looks good and looks nice at the same time
>say looks gice
>friend breaks out in laughter
>bartender keeps ignoring us and goes away
>be 21 or so
>going out with a friend from work
>go to packed bar
>get stuck in crowd trying to follow my friend
>get stuck next to a 10/10
>she starts talking to me
>I'm pretty beta at the time and couldn't think of anything to say, so...
>"come here often?"
>mfw she didn't realize I used the worst line on her
>mfw I have no face
I have a few more if interested.
not everyone here is a "smooth criminal" like mj would say. Some of us have a different pace and we just have to accept us as who we are and learn to be ourselves. I know some day I will meet "the one" who will love me just the way I am and it will last forever because she fell for the real me
ok I have a pretty good one but I dont know how to green text inb4 newfag.
There was this girl that I really liked freshman year. I mean I had a huge crush on her. So one day I start talking to her in person. I always get super nervous. One day she asks me to come over to get house so I do. I'm 5'10 265 and lift but still have stomach gay if it helps you visualize how beta I am. She had an Xbox so the first thing I suggest we do is play call of duty. After a while she start having at my dick but I am distracted bevause I have 2 more kills for a nuke. This goes on for 2 hours. She practically gave me a handjob. Friends calls for a party that I was going to later that day. So I left her alone. It took me 2 years to realize that and now I get no part. da fuq?
>being 16, maybe
>at the party
>there's this girl I like, getting ready to ask her out
>there's also a girl, that was a minor crush(and was a league better than my then current "target"
>waiting for a chance to find her "alone" and not with a shitload of her female courtiers around
>ok, it's clear
>"hey, wanna dance?"
>it's this former crush, asking ME out
>"I don't dance" looking dead into her eyes, while thinking of asking my girl
>my sexy interlocutor is sad, goes AWOL the party
>I danced with my target yet she's mildly interested in any sexual stuff(she's 21 now and still bf-less) so it wasn't at least my fault.
>felt weird but couldn't understand why
>month later realize what happened and what could've happen with that former crush that asked me out. Never told anybody.
>I sometimes remember it and facepalm myself because that sad girl is as sexy as she was then (she was 9+/10) but really far away and a major lost opportunity.
6th grade. some dumb bitch i hated was about to leave to move to a new state and we had a "goodbye celebration" at the end of the day with food n shit.
she walks up to me and says:
>it was nice knowing you. i wish i spent more time to get to know you better. what's your star sign?
>oh well i'm a taurus and i heard that ares and taurus are usually soulmates
she gives me this look of utter shock as if i just crushed her heart.
then i just turn the fuck around and continue eating
she was a total bitch the entire time i knew her. trying to come up to me last-minute and distract me from my food by giving me compliments n shit? nah m8 fuck that. i don't care if she turned out to be a total 9/10 qt3.14 grill. gotta have priorities, man.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TARDING ABOUT, NEWFAG? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU AM? A FAGGOT? A FUCKING NIGGERFAGGOT? WHY ARE YOU A NIGGERFAGGOT, FAGGOT? FUCKING NIGGERFAGGOT HOMOSEX COCKSUCKING PIECE OF NIGGERSHIT BITCH NIGGA!
>freshmen year of college
>at first house party
>stand against wall observing
>don't say a single word because I'm beta as fuck
>guy with snake on his neck zomg
>two drunk douche bags fighting
>college parties are quite wild
Friend there who thinks he is better than me trying to pick up two girls next to us
>end of night friend trying to bring them home
>get to the car with no girls
>friend texts them saying we're leaving now
>femanon responds to friend "if Anon come gets us we'll go with"
I picked up two girls by leaning against a wall too high to understand whats going on.
Not a great story but fits the category.
Op here, I've got a couple more stories
>go to little Caesar's because I'm an impatient murifat
>cashier is 6/10 Indian gril talking with a few friends
>I walk up and order
>Indian asks for my name
I mumble my name "anon"
>"danon" she said with a smile
"No, its anon"
>"ganon?" Smiling again
>I get a little irritated and repeat "anon"
>"danon it is!"
>I don't correct her and get my pizza
>her friends come up to me and tell me she thought I was cute and gave
me her number
>I never called her because of autism
Captcha was moreredr
Sure, I've got one.
>be me, 18 y/o 2 years ago
>girlfriend of 4 years broke up by text a week before
>always been beta, but always put on a facade meking people think I'm not that bad
>Exchange student girl was in our class the year before, always staring at me in class
>She used to kind of have this monthly check-up with me, mostly asking me about my GF
>Never recognized her for the 9/10 she was because blind by relationship
>this time on skype "your girlfriend and you broke up, how said"
>"Yeah I know"
at this point she calls me
>"maybe you'll have time for me now, heehee".
I actually fucking answered "heh, naaah idk you live too far away and all that".
>"Hah you are such a pervert! You were thinking I should come "visit" you for sex!
>"N-no I'm not, I'm so sorry"
She felt the situation was akward so she just hung up. Called me the day after (this bitch didn't know about facebook, foreign and all that.
>"Hey, I'm coming over to visit some friends next week, wanna hang out?"
And then she came over and she took complete control and we fucked every day, for hours, for an entire week. This girl fucked me Alpha. So thankful, everything worked out.
aside from the obvious of you being as bitchtastic as can be, there's really only one thing to understand. What's the worst that could happen? That's how you get over your fear, you're not being asked to rape her.
Go for the kiss and if it fails.....guess what, you're in the same spot you were before. There is no change and if she leaves you or w/e get over the anxiety and try with another.
Get over the fear of rejection and you will finally understand. I went into basic training and my first taste of this was a chic that I watched a movie with. I was at her place and literally said "suck my dick" and she said she wanted something too. I told her I didn't have a condom and she said she would be right back. She drove down the street to the gas station and bought them came back and had sex. Dude, it really is that easy.
Get over the fear of shit going wrong and don'tgiveafuck.jpg
This thread is waaay off track. Remember: "TIMES YOU WERE SOOO AUTISTIC, YOU WERE SMOOTH'
Here's another to get us back on track:
>be last year
>went to bar with coworkers at job I just started
>bar closes and we decide to meet up at some fags place
>end up giving chick from accounting a ride
>get their first
>its raining, nowhere to go
>turn to her and just blurt out
>"hey, you wanna just make out until everybody gets here?"
>"that's pretty bold of you, anon"
>go for it
We ended up waiting/kissing for like ten minutes. Still scratch my head when I think about that working.
Moral of the story: Being straight up works sometimes.
> be last year
> friend need to go to AAA
> GF and her friend tag along so we can buy lunch afterwards
> Friend goes up to the counter
> bored go up to fuck with him
> 8/10 there
> her face lights up when I walk up
> her "OMG anon I havent seen you in forever"
> "Yeah... how long has it been?"
> at this point GF and her friend come up
> Her " I never Hung out with you in highschool so we didnt have the same circle of friends afterwards"
> "thats a shame why didnt you?"
> Her " I was shy"
> She actually blushes
I'm a 6 maybe a 7 on a good day at best
> GF's friend "you know we all went to the same highschool right? even his GF"
> she finishes up my friends paperwork in silence
> as we're leaving she says bye
> I finally notice the name plate next to her
> "Bye anonette, dont worry we'll see each other more now that I know where to find you"
> got shit from my GF and her friend all day.
> worth it.
> She's my current back up plan I invite her out from time to time with friends
I know bro, but in the moment all my beta male shows up.
I fear I wont kiss her well, I fear it will be awkward, I fear everything.
The only thing I dont fear is rejection, because im 100% sure she wants it (she already told me that)
I'm always straight up. And if they're not the type of girl to go for straight up then I don't want them anyway because that means that any possible relationship will be confusing and pointless
the "rejection" is your own fail
like I said "what's the worse that could happen?"
Hell if you fuck it up she might even laugh about it....and for fuck sakes don't apologize about it if that happens
Another shitty story
>friend and his gf bring me to house boat and lake house
>still beta, but actually making conversation
>no flirting just conversation
Other guy showed up but he's a 5/10 so no worries.
>as soon as we get on the boat drinking and smoking dope
>holy crap this mixture makes girls horny
>friend and gf snuck off
>I'm past the point of no return
>must've smoked infinity bowls and consumed infinity beers
>girls take turns hitting on me
>can't even reply
>stand up after a couple of tries
>stumble to the bedroom
>grab nearest girl by hand
>so happy I picked her she does whatever I want
Shitty stories, but they were good times.
omg ...if she likes you guess what if your a shitty kisser SHE WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO BE BETTER.. shocker i know, if its awkward it will only get less awkward with more kissing
tldr shutup and kiss her for ME not for you but for me dont even do it for her do it for me
>junior year of hs
>me and friend just shooting the shit at the end of algebra 2(retook it because I didn't pass one semester previous year with at least a c in advanced algebra) also last class of the day
>Halloween dance topic comes up
>friend asks if I have anyone in mind/if i'm going
>I really want to go to this one because guys from our year see setting it up, sounds amazing
>but I don't have anyone in mind (lying, I do. It's qt crush)
>friend says same
>feeling daring I tell him we make a bet. Whoever gets a date first has to pay for other friend for dance.
>he's confident he's gonna get my money
>class ends and we just talking shit
>friend thinks i'm not even gonna get a date
>tell him watch me
>go up to a 9.5/10 latina/white mix goddess with glasses
>don't even know her
>wanna go to the Halloween dance with me?
>she looks me up and down
>im a hard 7/10
>looks happy and takes out her phone when suddenly
>i say nevermind
>she gives me this confused look
>friend looks at me like I just committed a crime
>asks me why the fuck I just did that
>regret it in 2 minutes
I still don't know why I said nevermind. Every time I say the word my friend just looks at me disappointed. If there's anything I regret it's that. I paid for his dance by the way
This made my day.
I'm autistic and scoring is the only thing I'm good at social interaction wise. It's what comes next that's awkward as fuck. I can't into pillowtalk. So I excuse myself to the bathroom for an hour or so and hope she falls asleep.while I play a game on my nvidia shield. Guess where I am posting this from. Forgot to turn computer on on way to bathroom. Kill me
>back in school
>girl used to flirt with me
>hadn't acted yet
>she's pretty shy, average to good looking
>she approaches me after maths class
>Hey, Anon, uh, ar-are you busy this weekend..?
>football on saturday, Karate on sunday, so much school work, Mother's birthday, so much shit to do
>YES I AM
>she looks sad
>turns and nearly sprints away
>that was weird
Some time later that day I realised what had just happened. She avoided me after that...I never told her how autistic I'd been.
>put hand up, invigilator comes over
>im laid back looking shway as FUCK
>"is there any restriction upon when we're allowed to leave"
>"er no are you done"
>hand him my paper
>nearby females commence orgasming
>[collective orgasm intensifies]
>Be a bit drunk
>be outside a pub with friend
>chavvy looking bird, a few years older is there smoking too
>she's kinda hot in a "i'd risk catching crabs" kinda way
>ask her if i can nick a cig and a lighter
>try to act cool
>"uhhh can i suck your fag?"
>she bursts out laughing
>spaghetti is rumbling in my pockets
>starts talking to me
>compliments my hair
>compliments the way i dress
>says her cousin is into my type
>gives her a call, she comes over
>20 minutes later we're playing tonsil tennis
>25 minutes later we're fucking in a alley
all because i asked if i could have a suck on her cousins fag.
Because its not for you, its not to get over some fear you have its not even to over come your autism its to do something for someone. It's simply believing in me and not yourself. Remember its for me its like a present and my Bday is comming up so goddammit anon get me that present
Can confirm, straight forward works 10/10
Even when it goes wrong it goes right.
>fucking horny 24/7
>be doing theater
>not even homo
>7/10 girl we've met/talked, not really friends yet.
>Hang out with her and some mutual friends for a while, do stupid shit, draw on my arms with pen, etc.
>as the day's ending turn to 7/10 girl and ask if she wants to go fool around in the black box
>black box is basically a darkened unused room, underage blowjob central
>"wtf anon, no"
So, game over, right?
>"OK, that's fine"
>joke about it with her whenever I see her
>inform her that every interaction with her from that point on will exclusively be with the end goal of getting in her pants
>she keeps responding amicably to my banter, which is why I didn't stop
>keep joking that she's just playing hard to get
>later she needs a favor done for her
>say I'll do it if she sits in my lap for a while
>do the favor, show up next day
>she sits in my lap for about an hour, douche friendbros draw dicks all over my face while I can't move, not even mad.
>continue the "you so totally dig me" joke with her
>still no sincere resistance
>spend more and more time with her and our mutual friends
>eventually ask if she and I are going to be a thing
>she says she doesn't know
>ask if I can go hang out with other girls then
>she says no
>dated her for three months after that
>eventually fuck it up when I try to get her to let me hit on other girls while I'm away for a month.
>too dang alpha for my own good
When people talk about being friendzoned, what they actually mean is that they're too chicken to make their interest clear.
>working at Hardee's when I was 16
>qt 3.14 comes in
>we know each other from school
>I tell boss I'm taking the trash out
>ask her if she wants to walk with me
>holy shit, carrying trash out... stupid
>walking and talking about guitar class
>trash was just picked up by garbage men, so it didn't smell too bad back there
>tell her I have something to show her behind the wall
>she comes and I grab her and kiss her
>while she's kissing me, I pull my dick out and put her hand on it
>"right here? "
>"I feel like such a slut" as she drops to her knees
>blows me while a grab her big tits
>finish in her mouth and she swallows
>"welp, back to work"
>good day at Hardee's
>go to convenience store to buy sammiches and soda
>look at the tired lady in front of me
>i know her
>"Do you know what you're looking at?"
>"Whut?" she asks.
>"a man," I say.
>"not just any man"
>i shoot her the double barreled fingers
">"but a man with forty cans of artichoke hearts in the back of his pickup truck."
Got me this job one time bussin' tables at a country club. So I could case all the big rich pricks that come in.
I pick out this guy, go in one night and do his place. He wakes up and gives me shit. So I killed him. Him and the tasty bitch he was with.
That's the best part! She's fuckin' this prick, see, this golf pro, but she's married to some other guy! Some hotshot banker. He's the one they pinned it on! They got him down Maine somewhere doing time for the crime! Ain't that choice?
>be at friend's birthday
>there's some chicks there I don't know
>one who's a redhead wearing black stockings
>she suddenly sits next to me
>she's not wearing shoes
>she puts her legs over my lap
>be kinda drunk so have more confidence
>kinda tickle her feet (I have a semi-foot fetish so this is kinda like going to 2nd base to me)
>she laughs and we keep being drunk fools
>later get out of the house
>it's kinda cold (it was December or something)
>wear a beanie
>she asks if she can wear it
>I had pretty long hair and I didn't like riding my bike without my beanie
>that feel when ignored the rest of the day
Jesus fucking Christ. Shit or get off the pot. I was making out with girls when I was 12.and legitimately in special ed. Normal none autistic girls. You've gotten past the hard part, awkward silence. Just fuck her alreae you clown.
You're getting social advice from a guy who's locked himself in a bathroom to avoid having to talk to a girl by the way. But at least I had sex.
I never usually contribute but, meh.
>Sitting at table with 3 other girls
>One is 9/10 sitting across from me
>Fresh out of private school, no real experience with chicks
>Teacher gives us a large packet to work on with each other
>We all work on it and chat
>Class ends, not even close to finished
>I say, "Well, this isn't even that hard it should be easy to finish at home."
>9/10 says that she will still need help
>I say I could help her tomorrow before class
>She says that it would be better if I helped her at home
>Offers phone #
She rarely talked to me after that
>Be at Uni pub a year or so a go, it was a strange little place, but I fitted in quite nicely. I was just having a drink bar talking about Thailand with the owner.
>As he elaborates on how he summers there banging what I can only assume were lady boys, a group of regular students comes in.
>At once they seem out of place, but no one really gives a damn in this place. After a few minutes most of the group have their drinks and have gone back to a table, all apart from a couple who are arguing and getting louder and louder.
>Now I hate loud arguments, not quite assburgers but not far from it, it has more to do with a dad who beat the living shit out of me when I was kid.
>Either way as the shouting right behind gets loud I begin to freak out, a 6 foot 6" muscular blond viking twitching in his chair because two mongs behind him are having a tiff.
>Bar tender is now watching me, along with several of the other locals.
>"Fuck off, ur not going. Because I fucking hate your dad thats why" shouts the guy from behind me. At this point my head is bent so far over the bar, the only thing I'm eyeballing is my beer half an inch from my face.
>I hear the noise of the guy grabbing his girl by the arm. Unbeknownst to him he is standing but three feet from a veritable volacano of panicking
>The moment I heard it I leapt to my feet, according to the bar tender I looked like a rabbit in the headlights. All I fucking wanted was the noise to stop. Before the guy gets half a word out I've punched him squarely in the jaw, and he goes down like limp dick.
>The girl, who doesn't look like she is about to thank me, screams something incoherent. Still in panic mode I douse her with my beer.
>Across the room there friends stand up yelling. I throw the beer glass at one of their heads where it smashes against the wall. At this point they all panic an flee, leaving their unconscious companion.
>brush stick in her boobs
/b/ first time in long time u make me lols
>The moment they're out the door I bolt to the toilet where I proceed to spend the next half an hour hurling my guts out.
>Finally remerge to cheers of BUNNY from the regulars because of the frightened rabbit description. They've dragged the mug out into the street and buy me beers the rest of the night.
All I wanted was a quiet drink.
>graduated high school and working at Dairy Queen while I decide what to do with my life
>working one day and I get off early in the day so I have to pick up my 16 year old brother from school
>buy DQ chicken strip basket because I love that shit
>go to high school to pick up brother
>huge fucking line of cars picking kids up
>sit there eating my chicken strips
>kids start coming out
>7/10 girl I dated a few times from my old job walks out of school
>she's in my brother's class so she's 16
>didn't talk to her since we dated, she was basically juggling me and some other guy at the same time, wanted nothing to do with it
>she walks up to my car and strikes up a conversation
>usual smalltalk bullshit
>says "Hey, we should hang out"
>"Well I can't right now, I'm eating chicken strips."
>she looks to my glorious DQ chicken strip basket then back to me
>she skipped school a week later to hang out with me and we fooled around a bit
>I am at a cinema with 4 ancient classmates to 'celebrate' our graduation.
>There is this girl i have a crush on since 2 years.
>I sit next to her.
>She pokes my feet with her feet.
>Oh well it probably wasn't on purpose.
>I'm acting like nothing happened.
>15mins later she pokes me again.
>Im scared i do nothing.
>Film ends, i need to do something.
>While i stand up i poke her with my feet and i walk away.
>We all go to our cars, and i never saw her again.
Fuck she probably was into me, she was really shy, introverted, that explain why she didn't said it, just like me...
>First day of 9th grade
>New school, don't know anyone, awkward as fuck
>6th period Biology
>teacher does assignment to help everyone know each other
>mfw end of the period and haven't talked to anyone still
>8/10 pulls me over and gives me her paper
>tells me I'm hot
>tell her she's making me uncomfortable
>put in headphones and cry on the inside
This auts just got smoother and smoother with time
>>be at chicks place with friends
>>huuuuuge fucking crush, never think I have a shot with her because 10/10 everything and was basically dating the Prince of Morocco a for a few years
>>friends leave and i'm about to as well
anon wait just a sec
>>we blaze, cuddle up and put on XXYYXX
>>start giving her a massage
>>she is way too into this massage
>>be me, virgin fag, first time needs to be with a condom
>>I don't have a condom
>>want this so bad
holy shit anon, I don't think I've ever been this turned on in my life
>>hope tonight will mean future endeavours
>>she rolls over and takes off her shirt, grabs my hands and slaps them on her tits
>>Lego couldn't have given me more obvious instructions
>>oak trees on viagra couldn't have been more erect
I don't have a condom, I hope that's ok anon?
>>pass the fuck out in her bed from booze and weed and 4am
>>she's cool with it as far as I could tell
>>drives me home the next day
anon I honestly have never been that turned on, I don't even understand how you did it.
>>"uh yeah sure, anytime"
skip to next weekend
>>"fuck you beta anon go get laid and don't turn down easy shit like that again, she wouldn't have tried to get with you if you weren't attractive"
>>hours later, sleeping with someone else
>>newfound courage works like beta-be-gone
>>never look back
skip 1 month
>>she's two months pregnant with some other guys baby
>>not the Moroccan prince
>>recall drinking heavily and smoking with her multiple times
>>I was intended scapegoat dad because she knew I was swooning over her and am in line for a decent heritage and promising future
skip another 7 months
>>out pops the baby
two years later
tl;dr didn't have a fucked up kid that wasn't mine to begin with and manned the fuck up at the same time
>turns out thor is a chick flick
>film ends walk into foyer
>anon OMFG you look so much like thor
>i actually do just a manlet version
>never heard anyone say it before get autistic as fuck stumble over my words when i try to speak
>8.5 friend butts in
>you need a big hammer now anon
>"already got one babe, maybe id let you hold it but you'd never be able to lift it" wishing i had a fedora to tip
>girls laugh especially 8.5/10
>they think im just being witty saying cheesy lines to be funny
>we get home i go to walk down the street to my friends
>anon come for tea before you go
confidence boost from thor comment
shit was so cash
You have the new 4chan record of slowposting.
Ok, let's lay down some context.
>be bipolar as well as an add-adhd hybrid
>be loner and melancholic emo-writer/hyper perv and biting comedian because my brain hates consistency
>be kind of popular but in a michael jackson kind of way
>"He can be weird, but he's pretty fucking awesome at what he does."
^that's usually the tone of public opinion^
>have slight angry crush on 9/10, pseudo-popular, trying-to-fit-in chick
>have private and in-class banter with her
>she's pretty good
>forget to take meds one day
>be sarcastic and moody for the entirety of that day
>have usual private banter, partly unaware that some verbal venom is bubbling from deep within
As the conversation went on, it soon turned into this:
>Me: I'm ten times more attractive than all of the people in your social circle.
>Her: Ha. You aren't even half as attractive as me.
>Me: I'd start mourning my loss the minute I become JUST as attractive as you.
>Her: Ok. Fine. You ARE kinda cute.
>*I'm caught off guard, but I manage to keep my cool.*
>Me: Kinda? Give me some more credit, *her name*.
>*There's a pause.*
>Her: Ok. Very, then.
>*I'm speechless, because nobody has ever told me something like that before.*
>Her: You're not a very smooth guy, though.
That was when the venom started to hiss.
>Me: Ha. Are you kidding me? I've got a tongue of silver.
>*She looks at me intently*
>Her: Nope. Sorry. You're awkward as fuck.
>*The venom starts to flow, and I try to smirk back my anger*
>Me: Wow, *her name*.
>Her: Prove it, *my name*. Let me feel some of that silver.
I just walked away, scoffing and pushing back the venom in my throat.
Strangely enough, this encounter didn't ruin shit. She still came on to me, and I came on to her, but it all stopped when I got my first actual girlfriend.
We drifted apart after that.
>go to a summer revision course
>generally manage to keep a cool look. Know how to dress,know how to move.
>Have no clue how to keep a conversation alive
>Smoking hit alt chick starts talking to me
>Start talking to her
>She doesnt really have any hobbies
>Interested in her, but nothing to talk about
>decide to hang out after course
>get coffees at coffee shop on campus
>literally just sitting there not talking at all
>sweat is running down my cheek
>grill looks bored as fuck
>wish i could evacuate the shop like pilots do when their plane's on fire
>Hear a knock on the window near us
>Several of my female friends(whom were also taking the course) are knocking on the window, rubbing their tits through over their clothes and dancing, trying to make me feel awkward or whatever
>quickly say "gotta go" and join them outside
>mfw the alt girl thought that a group of girls came up and started hittting on me outside a coffee shop
>mfw my dick was dry as fuck that much
>mfw i have no face
>Jesus fucking Christ. Shit or get off the pot. I was making out with girls when I was 12.and legitimately in special ed. Normal none autistic girls. You've gotten past the hard part, awkward silence. Just fuck her alreae you clown.
>You're getting social advice from a guy who's locked himself in a bathroom to avoid having to talk to a girl by the way. But at least I had sex.
BWAHAHAHAHA! Are you from West Virginia, by any chance?
If you're not socially awkward then I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that this isn't the thread for you, young wizard. The bad news is that you have severe relationship issues and need to see a shrink. At least what you got was manageable. Unlike.autism. and now the phones ringing. Please don't let her pick up. It's my sister. I'm locked in the bathroom hiding from a girl and my sister's calling. And it's 1108 on a weekday. Well, time flies. Shit.
>End up going to a midnight buttrock bar with my friends, first time out
>Fucking lads night
>End up talking with my best friends, drinking and chilling as intended, along with this dude that's not really our friend but has always been there with us out, due to friend in college keeping ties with him
>We agreed to no bitches, not hard seeing as we're not in a proper club
>Guy that's always there waves over bitches he knows
>One girl is on him but has a boyfriend (didn't stop her), the other is talking with him and my friends while they're half talking to me
>Dude that's always there is a desperate guy, no one really likes him, girl he's after has tits but a jew nose, don't see the other, don't care
>Try talking to friends but girls friends show up and talk to them
>Focus on my drink and seeing if I can't chill on my own
>After a bit the girl I couldn't see comes over,
kinda cute, short as hell, some pair on her
>Starts talking to me, talking about fuck all, noting interesting but I keep adding in due to drink
>One of my friends bought her a drink beforehand, still trying to get her off me
>We were outside at a table, decide to go inside, she buys me a drink
>Some random girl tells me to "cheer up"
>I-I'm good though I-I'm chill trust me
>Just look at her
>Me and short girl sit down inside, shows me her dumb star tattoo
>Oh yeah it's cool whatever
>Music game strong, can't hear much
>"I've been wanting to get a tattoo on my a[inaudible]le!"
>Oh, start laughing
>"Oh my god"
>Tell her I've heard some shit, steer conversation back to body mods or whatever, lie about what I'd get
>She's still really interested in me
>End up making out, and on a later occasion heading back to her place for the night
I just stopped thinking that day
>>brush the stick in her boobs
>WHAT A CHAIRSHOT
I can't stop giggling
>nigga u went theta male
Why did I lose to this comment, it's not even meant to be funny but I can't stop laughing at it. My room-mate is looking at me weird now cause I'm laughing so hard.
>be inna army
>go to friend's civilian girlfriend's house to eat some shrooms with them and her friend
>girlfriend is fat and ugly but her friend is 7/10 face, 9/10 body hipster girl
>all 3 of them are in bed
>bro and girlfriend on one side, her friend in other
>get in bed on side with friend
>she starts getting closer
>whispers "please cuddle" to me
>pretend i didnt hear
>she says shes hungry and wants to order a pizza
>friends girlfriend replies "i think anon has something for you to eat"
>"oh does he?"
>get up to get a beer/escape
>come back, cuddle puddle has turned to struggle snuggle
>friend had tried to make out with other girl in front of his girlfriend
>hot friend is not having it
>huge argument, he gets pissed and leaves
>just us now
>in living room not knowing what to do
>cant side with his girls because army bro, but dont want to eave because i still have a chance with hot friend
>hot friend comes out
>her purse is right next to me
> "oh... i just need my toothpaste.."
>acts like shes looking for it
>stops ans looks at me for a few seconds
>"i need heellp..."
>just stare at her
>she gives me a wtf look and leaves
>go to sleep on couch
only had had sex 3 times before, and this one was way hotter than the others
i have shamed my country
Okay here's mine
>Be 21 turning 22 in sep
>Never kissed a girl or had a gf
>In commute college night classes
>night classes = 40 + year olds
> = no social life
>it's been 3 years rotting away in loneliness
>inb4 Elliot Rodgers
No. Since you're friend was out you did the honorable thing. Bros before ho's. I wish I had a friend.
My sister and last night's date are laughing about me on the phone. I should try hookers
>walking home late at night
>listening to tunes with my headphones
>2 other people appear walking my direction, looked like they were drunk
>as i walk past them one of them pushes my headphones off
>turn around, they both start coming for me
>didn't really want to fight, ask them first thing that comes to mind: "do i know you?"
>they stop, look at me for a while then laugh and walk off
skinnyfag here so I kinda lucked out really
>> in baltimore at a very very ghetto venue
>> usually 90%+ niggers
>> hardcore band I like comes to play a set, in between the "rappers"
>> no one likes it, they are all black
>> I'm 2mg Xanax and 7 shots deep
>> half-blacked out
>> Start my own circle pit, moshing into the hoods
>> Knock this fat nigger landwhale off her stiletto heels and the earth almost shakes
>> Some QT wearing a corset and fishnets (lol wtf) slaps me across the face
>> I stop, just stare at her, she says "omg you're cute"
>> slur out "I don't talk to coalburners"
>> go and pass out in the car until my friend drives us home
>> don't know why I wasn't jumped for moshing into all those niggers
>WHAT A CHAIRSHOT
>G/Fuckbuddy squirter breaks up with me
>St. Patty's day is coming up
>go to local irish bar near campus to pick up a chick
>awkward as fuck being there cause just turned 21 and all people there are somehow mid 30s or graying
>fuck it I got money and I planned to drink and maybe buy some drinks for any sexy bitch I might meet
>5 shots later I switch to the green beer
>still not seeing shit
>decide to walk around dance floor where everyone is dancing
>see nothing attactive
>reel myself back to the bar
>cast myself back to the swarming floor
>catch the eye of this 6/10, giggity my way over towards her
>Random 3/10 dances in front of me and I'm trying to get by, she notices and gives me some stink eye look
>bitch whatever, as I pass by spill a my drink one her acting drunk
>dude out of no where pushes me down, I pretend to fall as bouncers rush to wreck this dude
>6/10 looks more like 3.5/10 up close as she invites me into there group to chat
>fuck that drama shit ugmo
>go outside to smoke
>hear stange fimilar song coming from club
Get in the room
Get on the floor
>you know the rest
>asleep in class
>get a tap on my shoulder waking me up
>decent looking chick in the class says "ok I guess"
>no idea what the fuck is going on
>tell her shes weird and go back to sleep
turns out some faggots in the class asked her out for me, thinking she'd say no and i would be embarassed and she said yes. i was embarassed though.
hey wanna have a drink with me tonight?
>no thanks, I don't drink alcohol
Where I live there is a hidden roof garden.
>everyday dozen 11 year old little nigglets line up for soccer practice down the road from by building.
>everyday I call them niggers from the safety of my roof, knowing niggers can't look up.
>somedays their parents call the police, somedays they look at the building, somedays they cry, somedays i throw stones.
Driving those little nigglets into niggers one day at a time.
> Take off every Zig
> For great Justice
Classics work. "Nice shoes." if perfect for asking to fuck without having to say it. If you're the neckbeard type that doesn't express emotions well it is even better because they won't be sure how you meant it and you can play it off if they don't immediately tell you they want to fuck. If they keep talking to you then they do.
I'll go with my LONG history of sperg
> 2nd grade
> cute girl moves in across from me
> find out she transferred into my school
> after school walk home with her and ask if she wants to be my gf
> she says yes we hold hand and kiss n shit
all sperg from this point until about 16
> be in 4th grade
> go to oldtime place field trip
> Cute mixrace short hair tomboy girl spends all her money to buy me an iron horse shoe
> Asks If i like anybody
> 5th grade
> sex ed
> guy asks me if there's any girl i'd like to pee in (nigga we just learned it has nothing to do with pee, still think he grew up to have a piss fetish)
> Tell him no
> cute long black haired girl later asks me if I liked anybody. (they were friends)
NOPE LATER BITCH.
> Start middle school
> friend has me over at his house
> spending the night
> His little sister (mexican) and her 2 friends (asians) are crawling all over me asking me what kissing is like.
> ignore and play vidja
k i got one
>huge crush on this 8/10 at my new school
>shes popular, great smile, and always happy brunette
>really nice for cute popular girl
>sense very very mild interest in me over the year
>i walk with her to lunch and stuff, typical friend-zoneish activities
>i dont really initiate anything
>end of the year comes around, she meets me at my locker
>"anon you should text me sometime" in sweet quiet voice
>i say okay
>dont text her cuz beta
>next few years i try to be friends more and more
>appears shes lost interest
>i engage in very friend zone-esque activities
>full blown friend zone
>i tell her how i feel eventually
> around 15
> Helping mom at work
> mom has a cougar for a boss
> boss start buying my expensive watches
> nice clothes
> invite my mom (and me) to races and events
> mom gets tired of all of this and says if i want to go to go by myself her boss likes me enough it wouldn't be rude.
> boss asks my mom if i can go to a dinner event
> says there might be a tech client there and she didnt want to get embarrassed with the tech talk so I'd be her point man, and that she'd even pay me.
> Mom says ok because it'll be a sat night
> Dress in my finest
> Talk to a client at the office for about an hour
> she takes me to dinner at a nice restaurant (steaks)
> says she got bored with the clients and didnt want to spend money on boring people
> poors me wine with dinner
> after she asks If i really want to go all the way home and that she has a bed i can sleep in at her place.
"Ah yeah you must be tired after today. Thanks soo much for dinner I'll get out of your hair and catch a bus"
> no buses this hour
> walk 5 fucking miles before calling a cab
She still treated me like man candy but never got that offer again.
>Hanging out with girl
>Sitting on bed
>Watch an episode of It's Always Sunny
>Turn to her and say, "Hey, do you wanna have sex?"
>"Does this line usually work?"
>"Yes, it does"
This isn't really a story of "Autism" as much as it is "Autism prevented".
>Walk into Gamestop
>Ask if they have Mario Kart 8
>Send me to another store
>Just as I leave the door, girl calls out to me from the neighboring Starbucks
>"Hey! You! Yeah you!"
>"What's your name? I think you're in Human Anatomy. You sit next to me in the night class."
>Introduce myself, talk to her
>Her name is Jenna. 8/10, wud bang
>Ask if she'd be down to study sometime, get her number
>Go to store
If Gamestop actually had Mario 8, I would have gone full spaghetti right in front of her.
oh fuck off.
have a nice pic and stop being a cunt.
>be 19 ish
>hanging out with exs friend 7/10 big tits
>we're at my place sitting on couch
>we're both drunk, she's pretty tipsy
>wearing a dress, she's laying on her back with her knees bent showing off her crotch
>catch a glimpse of panties
>she notices and snaps her legs together, then smiles/blushes drunkenly
>we're talking about blowjobs
>she grabs beer bottle and shows me how much she can take in her mouth
>I do the same in an attempt to challenge her skills
>nothing happens all night
>at the grocery store
>buying snacks and stuff
>full motorcycle gear
>get to register with snacks
>7/10 cashier girl
>have casual conversation while I get my stuff
>starts talking about what time she gets off
>make small talk about long work days
>she jokes about us hanging out when she gets off
>mfw I feel like she's hitting on me but too beta to be sure
>She was acknowledging him as a potential mate
Or maybe she was just taking advantage of a pathetic beta.
Who knows? Women are the only creatures that can go out penniless and come home drunk.
>Be me circa 2011
>Friends and I all visiting other friends university
>We're all straight single and horny
>Plans for the night? Chase tail.
>After crashing at least 5 parties around campus
>We bump into some drunk girls
>They're 6/10 at best but claim they're having a party
>A party with only woman
My dick lead me to that party as if it had been an arrow let loose by legolas himself.
>We arrive to the room
>6/10 opens the door to reveal...
building arbitrary suspense here
Wait for the plot twist
>A room filled exclusively with <6/10's
>Two friends go in
>I say i need to make a phone call
>grab my other friend to come
>"man these girls are ugly we need to bail"
>I tell him we'll pretend we lost our 5th buddy
Return to the room
>My two friends are being swarmed by girls just too ugly to fuck
>Ask my friends "Have you heard from anon?"
anon was someone we know in the area so they could answer correctly without being clued in
Just remembered this shit
>middle school, eight grade
> just watched the latest south park
>its the one with Cartman singing that fingerbang song
>start saying that shit everywhere
>eventually end up in history class with 3 chicks at my table. A nigra(would bang 8/10), a Jew with God sized tits(would bang), and an average white girl(still bang)
>start singing song and doing the gun point and shoot thing with my hand
>girls realized what I said
>ask me what I said
>ask me to do the finger thing
>laugh at me as I innocently perform these actions
>stopped doing it because something felt off with the incident with the three girls
Eventually Jew girl showed me her tits during a movie in class. Was a good many faps.
>I do the same in an attempt to challenge her skills
you should've asked her to stop playing with dummies and....
you know what, you'd fuck it too like a little drunk fool you were.
and yet they still won't fuck you amirite
>be freshman kissless virgin in college
>girl who I would give a cat bath to wants to see my pet
>show her my chinchilla in my room
>she says "oh, you live in a double?"
>"It's getting late...will you walk me back home?"
>Get to her dorm
>"Anon, have you ever been inside this dorm?"
>"No, I haven't"
>"Wanna see my room, anon?"
>"Nah, that's okay."
>mfw she dated one guy for a couple months and then came out as a lesbian
>mfw I turned a woman gay by not sleeping with her
Things have gotten better since then.
>I gesture my friends out of the room
>Whisper to the first that we're bailing and to play along
>He tells the second
>3rd guy fakes another call saying he finally got in touch with anon
>He tells the girls we all need to go that anon needs our help immediately and that we'll come back with him later
>one of the girls turns to me and asks:
>"You guys aren't coming back, are you?"
>I look her dead in the eye and say:
>And with that I walk out of the building while my friends struggle to contain their laughter.
>be at random party that I got invited to by co-worker that is the D.U.F.F.
>8/10 asks if we wanna freebase
>Only thing I can think to say if from Gumby
No thanks, I'll stick with grass.
>D.U.F.F. laughs and whole group laughs at either me or D.U.F.F.s terrible laugh
>D.U.F.F. says okey dokie pokey the horse
>group now clearly laughing at me
>look at 8/10 with inviting eyes dropping the sexual inherendo
Horse huh? I'll give you the ride of your life.
>Ask if its cool to smoke ciggarettes inside
>D.U.F.F. comes outside with me
>says that I should probably go
>fuck it, I'm out
>never hear from D.U.F.F or people again
>find out online from mutual friend that D.U.F.F. got her prego and skipped out on them
>online friend also tells me that 8/10 told her in confidence that if she ever got the chance to be with me she would take it.
>Looked at pics online all stalker like
>4/10 got the freebase skin sag and 2 babies from D.U.F.F.
Nah man, the milks gone sour.
>knowing niggers can't look up
>somedays their parents call the police
Sadly, this means it's a fake. Niggers don't call no cops. Niggers start shootin' stuff up and sheeeeeeeeeiiit.
>be me, 18 years old, its 21:00 just finished working, having supper all by myself
> qt3.14 texts me '' what are you doing i'm in the neighbourhood, wanna hang out ? ''
> tell her to come over, we talk then watch a movie
> 1am now, she says, im way too tired to drive back home, can i sleep over ?
> tell her yeah, we go to my room continue talking, tell her, you can sleep in the guests room.
> hfw all of my wat ?
slept there, we had breakfast the next morning and she went her way.
fast forward 2-3 weeks later, exact same situation, time to go to bed
> she says, ill sleep in the guest room.
> say no, you can sleep with me if you want.
> we make out and I take her V-card
pic related, her.
reminds me of this
>get invited out to a party 1 hour before it starts
>decide to go with my bro
>bong about a gram of weed before we leave
>on the way to this party there was a massive hill
>felt like i was flying down it
>get to party
>still ballsed as fuck decide to drink
>knock back 3 beers in under a minute dat cottonmouth
>start doing shots
>some people passed out
>decide that as a trained first aider i have to look after them
>this chick is standing by her bf
>he's out cold, middle of winter, on wet grass
>straight pick him up and carry him inside
>she's staring at me dumbfounded and grabs my arm
>tries to pull me aside
>tell her no
>she begs me to, says she'll do anything
>start explaining the risks of alcohol poisoning and hypothermia to her
>end up getting off with her friend
>she gives me dirty looks all night after that
>buying underpants at h&m
>get L size, but im not fat, just tall
>also because sometimes L is good and sometimes M is good. depends on the brand, fabric and store. better have L to be sure.
>get to cassiere
>she says "Are you not M size?"
>me: "Yes, but sometimes not"
>she is giving me some big smile, also the cassiere next to her.
>it hits me
>i just made the best refference to my cock possible
>be 19 and a beta
>meet cute girl in a bar
>her name is anne
>brunette, large nose
>try to flirt with her
>i flirt like a retard who's just seen a pigeon
>its all good, she doesn't seem to mind my slight retardation
>time to make the move
>so Anne written any diaries lately?
>bitch doesn't get my hilarious Nazi reference
>fucking butthurt jews, cant take a joke
>take out penny, roll it across the floor
>hope she jets after it as if she's hungry like the wolf
>just looks at my retarded behavior
>"didn't think jews could pass up a penny"
>she gets offended and leave
>i even paid for her fucking drinks
kinda off track but fuck it
>be 7th grade
>playing football/soccer at gym class
>suddenly realise that for some reason there are few fir cones on the pitch
>kick them off the pitch and decide to throw the last one straight up in the air
>proceed to throw the fir cone as high
>mfw it lands right on the head of my crush back in the day
>she starts crying
>no one knows it was me
>fast forward a few days later
>going back to the class room after gym class
>wtf some faggot put a fir cone in my pocket
>throw the fir cone with full power straight at the trash bin which is next to the door
>THE SAME FUCKING GIRL enters the room at the exact same moment and the cone hits her face and busts her lip
>mfw she starts crying again
>mfw someone shouts HEADSHOT like in cs
>no way out of this one so I spend the rest of the day apologising
>friend introduces girl to me
>"hi I'm Abby what's your name?"
>"you don't need to know that, we'll never meet again."
>get up, laugh and walk away
>mfw two weeks later I go to a party and she's there
>be 19, girl is 18
> driving her home after we went out with our friends
>just me and her in the car but thankfully the conversation is flowing
>pull up to her house and shes looking at me expecting a kiss good bye
> all i can think it please dont fuck it up
>i begin to lean foward eyes shut ready for my first kiss
> release clutch in gear, stall car
>jolt forward my milkshake spills on her shoes
> "SORRY SORRY", I reach over desperately trying to brush milkshake off her heels
>shes screaming at me to stop so i sit back up as fast as i can
>headbutt her nose in the process, starts bleeding
> I forcefully grab at her nose and hold it close
>she starts crying and i cant seem to let go
>she finally gets free of my autistic grasp and runs into her house to get her brothers
>they run out and i sit in the locked car staring forward whilst they scream at me to wind down the window
>stay there until they move out from the front of the car (20 minutes min)
>drive home and cry
Also, a lot of dudes get "friendzoned" because they're either too spaghetti to get women's signals or they think the woman is below them.
Either way, they're too spaghetti to live.
>My room-mate is looking at me weird now cause I'm laughing so hard.
I've written the exact same line, but only now I understand how pathetic is sounds.
Talking to women isn't hard.
They're human beings. Treat them like human beings.
Pretend they're just some weirdly girlish dude. And then when they start dropping hints, you go with the flow.
If you can't do that, then pretend you're Michael Cera in any movie where he is spaghetti and then gets laid.
>WHAT A CHAIRSHOT
fuck that got me
>Eating pizza at my favourite restaurant.
>Bartender that has been staring at me for months asks if she can have my numbers.
>I say 'Sure' and take my phone out of my pocket.
>Press the wrong buttin, ringtone starts to play.
>My penis is famous, my penis is online on seven million people a day, enjoy my penis, do you love it? must be nasty.
>She walks away in disgust.
This happened to me in high school. Dated this girl for awhile, never did anything except like hold hands because I was a beta faggot who'd never had a gf before. She left me and went out with a few others, we got back together like a year later. Found out through friends that she was waiting for me to kiss her. We were at her house alone one day, so at one point I just went for it. We didn't go any further, still virgin, but at least I did that part right (eventually).