I promised I would return with the finished story, so here I am my /b/rothers.
I will be reposting the entire story since I've make some edits/additions.
Bump if you're interested.
Good evening /b/.
Let me tell you a story about Leah the Landwhale. I still can't believe this shit is real life.
Keep in mind, this is a long story that takes place over ~3 years.
>be autumn, 2011
>childhood friend of mine (let's call him Rob) is a freshman at university
>he was always a gfless beta virgin with no backbone
>lets everybody walk all over him, even some of our friends
>he and his friend/roommate Brandon start partying every weekend at their uni
>Brandon starts bringing (decent) bitches home, but no luck for Rob
>one can only imagine the jealously Rob was feeling at this point
>come 3-4 weeks into their first semester, they attend yet another house party
>Rob decided to get really fucking wasted that night
>enter Leah the Landwhale and her retarded fucking friends
>for reference, I'm 6 ft and 160 lbs
>she is probably about 5'2 with the body of a potato-pear
>Leah the Landwhale's arms are even larger than my thighs
>bitch is probably over 350 lbs
>at this point, Rob is leaning on a couch trying to keep his balance because wasted
>this coy cunt has one of her friends approach Rob
>friend casually asks Rob "Are you a virgin?"
>Rob being in a drunken stupor nods his head
>she points at Leah the Landwhale and asks "Would you fuck her?"
>he nods again
>LtLW's friend gives the signal and she approaches Rob
>LtLW is the typical self righteous hambeast
>actually thinks she's sexy, or at least pretends
>wears teencore shit like hollister and abercrombie, as well as leggings (I've seen her wear them, absolutely disgusting), and fake ugg boots
>starts grinding on him like the whore she is
>he actually nuts in his pants
>as the party dies down LtLW asks Rob to walk her back to her dorm because she is afraid to walk alone (as if anyone would rape a whale)
>when they arrive she asks if he wants to spend the night
>he says okay and enters her dorm
>her roommate (also a landwhale) is there, but LtLW is a shameless slut
>proceeds to pounce on Rob
>Rob falls back onto her bed as she aggressively strips off his pants
>slaps his dick through his boxers a couple times
>literally tells his dick "wake up little Rob-cock"
>the crazy shit this bitch says and does is just beginning
>LtLW slips his dick through the dickhole in his boxers and starts gobbling his cock like a thanksgiving turkey
>he can't get hard, probably because it's first time doing anything with a female
>she proceeds to rape his mouth as she grips his testicles
>this was his first kiss
>after 15ish mins of trying to get him hard, LtLW suggests he go down on her
>cannot comprehend the stink and sight of her landwhale vagoo, just writing about it makes me cringe
>according to Rob, her thighs are ridden with stretch marks and she has an awful case of beef curtains
>Rob can't find her clit so she smothers him into her blubbersnatch in a drunken fit of whalerage
>she eventually gets off and passes out shortly after
>Rob fortunately escapes landwhale lair with a sliver of dignity
>fast forward a couple weeks later
>Rob had all but forgotten about Leah the Landwhale
>but it seems the powers that be had other plans
>he runs into her at the campus dining center
>Rob can't even remember her name and feels guilty
>she guilt trips him into having lunch with her
>one thing led to another and she lures Rob back into her clutches
>Rob returns to landwhale lair determined to lose his virginity
>Rob now sober, is able to attain and maintain his hard on
>after she slobbers his cock for a bit, he is ready
>Rob proceeds to penetrate the creature without a condom
>Rob's exact words are: "Awww helllllllll yeahhhhhhhh!!!"
>we have reached the point of no return
>much like the biblical story of Jonah, Rob has been figuratively swallowed by this whale
>Rob makes the biggest mistake of his life and starts dating Leah the Landwhale
>i hear about this unfortunate tale through a mutual friend of ours
>decide to call Rob
>first thing he says is that he lost his virginity
>tells me how he met a "big girl" at a party after her friend ask if he wanted to fuck her and they're now dating each other
>cannot believe what I'm hearing
>this does not sound like the beginning of a healthy relationship
>and oh boy, i was right
>a couple weeks later he calls me crying
>Leah the Landwhale cheated on him
>tell him I'm not suprised and that he can do better
>he tells me he's "in love" with her and wants to marry her
>console him so he stops fucking crying, "life goes on, plenty of whales in the sea" etc
>we come to the conclusion that she is a cheating whore
>later that week Rob is at another house party
>no longer a virgin, he now has a bit of confidence
>starts flirting with a 7/10 (in his opinion, 5/10 IMO)
>she's not a hambeast though, and is a giant step up from Leah the Landwhale
>one thing leads to another, and Rob (black out drunk) is fucking this cumdumpster like an alpha in front of everyone at the party
>earns the nickname Raw Rob
>i hear about this incident and am proud of my nigga
>word of it quickly reaches Leah the Landwhale
>being a manipulative cunt, she tells him she didn't actually cheat on him
>she was raped
>by a group niggers
>says that she only said she cheated because she was angry for some bullshit reason I can't recall
>Rob falls for her ruse and gets back together with her
>i am extremely disappointed when I hear Rob and Leah the Landwhale are dating again
>over the course of his first semester, he spent the majority of his time with LtLW, only leaving her dorm to pillage the dining center
>Rob started skipping class, getting shit grades, and began to blow off his friends at school
>meanwhile, LtLW was getting straight A's and would get upset if Rob didn't skip his classes to spend more time with her
>winter break comes around and all of our old crew comes back home
>Rob decided it was a good idea to bring LtLW with him
>they spent the first few days back holed up in his room, ignoring every phone call from our group of friends
>obviously fucking the entire time, which would be cool if he wasn't such a pussywhipped beta
>Rob's mother quickly came to resent LtLW due to the fact that she was a cancerous influence and was a disrepectful, manipulative cunt
>tells them to GTFO and they migrate to his father's house
>Rob finally stops ignoring everyone and I invite him to chill at my place with myself and another old friend Nate
>asks if he can tow Leah's fat ass over with him
>"Yeah... It's cool..."
>i am finally going to meet LtLW
>I was a bit excited to meet her irl, as I'd only seen whales on NatGeo
>Rob and LtLW have arrived
>approach the door and take a peek through the peep-hole
>it's worse than I could have ever imagined
>they're holding hands, walking slow as fuck up to the door
>she's wearing yoga pants/leggings with a pink hoodie 2 sizes too small
>start cracking up at the sight of her but luckily I restrain myself
>take a deep breath and open the door
>A WILD JIGGLYPUFF APPEARS
>I am greeted by Rob and Leah the Landwhale
>she literally has the face of a pig
>completely round chin-less face coupled with an upturned snout attached to a non-existent neck
>bitch even has her hair in pigtails
>her potato-pear shaped body is even more conspicuous due to her grossly tight-fit clothing
>try my best to be a good host, so I act very polite
>take Rob's coat and her hoodie to hang on a chair
>cannot believe the fucking size of this bitch's hoodie
>it's so fucking big, it keeps sliding off the chair I hung it over
>she is visibly embarrassed by this and hangs it up on the banister post next a flight of stairs
>we all shoot the shit and catch up etc etc
>she doesn't say a fucking word
>texting the entire time like a sketchy broad
>is obviously texting Rob because he is also looking at his phone and texting someone
>we all decide to get high after Rob spent 20 minutes trying to convice LtLW to get high with him
>we later found out that she doesn't allow him to smoke unless she is smoking with him
>anyway, he pays for LtLW's share of pot and we start the session
By the time you get to where you left off yesterday the thread will be at cap
>everyone is all chill and mellow except for LtLW who is giggling like a retard and generally being obnoxious
>rubbing Rob's leg, kissing his neck, just disgusting PDA that no one wanted to watch
>already starting to hate this bitch
>we finish the session and i offer to make a frozen pizza because good host, munchies, etc
>make the pizza, split it into 4 equal slices and give everyone a piece
>of course Rob "isn't hungry" so LtLW gladly takes his slice
>bitch has absolutely disgusting table manners
>talking with her mouth full and spitting pieces of food everywhere as she cracked up cause "omg liek i'm so high guize!! xD"
>she has the fucking audacity to wipe her fat sauce stained sausage fingers on my couch
>promptly tell that hambeast that shit is NOT okay and to use the napkins I gave her
>she takes this as a slight about her weight and starts a bitchfit
Nah, and if so, I will make a new thread.
>starts yelling at me in my own house calling me rude and disrespectful
>tell Rob to calm her stoned ass down or get the fuck out
>she starts to settle down after he says some cringeworthy shit like "relax babygirl it's all good, he didn't mean it"
>"he didn't mean it"
>this really gets my blood boiling due to the fact that I didn't say or imply anything about her weight
>LtLW left breadcrumbs and crushed red pepper all over my fucking couch, which I presume she dusted off her lap while I wasn't paying attention
>later we are just chilling watching Cops and there is a scene where some old fat fuck gets pulled over and taken out of his car to get searched or something
>Nate starts laughing his ass off "holy shit that fat fuck looks like Santa Claus"
>LtLW is obviously offended at this comment because she and Rob leave shortly after
>on their way out, we watch as her fat ass waddles into his tiny car
>lol she barely fits
>Nate and I both agree Leah the Landwhale is a beta hunting cunt that needs to GTFO of Rob's life
>little did we know, this was only the beginning of her bullshit
Gonna go smoke a cigarette, hopefully any Anons lurking from yesterday find this. Brb 5 mins.
it reached thread cap yesterday with relatively fast posting from OP, I'm pretty sure there were like 20ish entries from OP from yesterday, but that's probably an exaggeration.
Back, sorry for the wait guys.
>fast forward to summer 2012
>the group is back in town and Rob brought Leah the Landwhale back home with him again
>by this point, the entire group hated her and agreed she was a cancerous tumor sucking the life out of our once good friend
>but we also agreed that Rob was a pussywhipped little bitch
>the summer was pretty uneventful for the most part until LtLW began fucking around with Rob's best friend
>Rob's best friend is Calvin
>Calvin is a lanky white-washed faggot
>one of those types of people I would never trust
>always hated this faggot since freshman year of high school
>anyway, Rob had us over at his mother's house since she was out of town
>we're all high as fuck, and decide to go swimming
>of course LtLW protests against the idea but finally relents
>she comes out in a one piece but anyone with 20/20 vision could see that disgusting gut she was trying to hide
>those strech marks
>so we're all swimming like retards having a blast
>Rob gets a call from another friend who has some xanax
>we all decide to get a couple bars for each of us
>as the night goes on, we all get fucked up on xanax
>Calvin and LtLW are getting a little too close for comfort, but Rob doesn't notice
>i'm tired as fuck so I decide to head home
>Rob is passed out, but Calvin and LtLW are both awake
>have a bad feeling about leaving the two of them alone but am too tired to give a fuck
>get home and sleep
>the next day I hear the news and am not that surprised
>turns out they fucked around, nobody really knows just how far they went
>Calvin has only admitted to dry humping her
>to this day he still tries to rationalize his bullshit by saying "I was just trying to show Rob that she would cheat on him again"
c'mon bro, don't let me down, looking forward to having a good laugh.
>i honestly believe they fucked, because as far as we know, Calvin is a virgin, but he makes sly remarks suggesting otherwise
>so Rob decides enough is enough and breaks it off with LtLW as well as his friendship with Calvin
>the group takes this news very well and it seems like things are looking good for Rob
>the only problem is LtLW is still at his house
>he debates booting her ass out but decides to be civil and lets her stay
>as anyone would expect, they make up, but Calvin is essentially ostracized by the group
>Calvin quickly slips into a depression and attempts to "commit suicide" by cutting his wrists "down the street"
>ends up in a psych ward for about a week
>no one knows where he is at the time and Rob starts to feel guilty about it
>i reassure him none of this is his fault but I can't quite convince him
>Calvin gets out of the psych ward and calls me
>i'm pretty much the only "friend" he has left at this point
>"r u still muh friend ; ("
>tell him what he did was serious shit and it's going to be hard for any of us to look the other way
>he starts crying
>can't deal with this crying shit
>decide to chill with him because i don't want him doing anymore suicide shit regardless if it's genuine or not
>he comes over and smokes me up on his bud because he thinks he can buy my friendship with weed
>get a call from Rob
>he wants to chill too and asks if I know anyone who has pot
>tell him I'm with Calvin who has some but it's totally cool if he doesn't want to hang out
>Calvin begs me to give him the phone since Rob was ignoring his calls ever since he fucked up
>he starts crying like a faggot on the phone
>trying to guilt trip Rob into being his friend again
>i shit you not, this motherfucker is just as manipulative as LtLW
>"dude we've been friends for such a long time how could you let this little thing come between us? remember all the times I smoked you up?" etc
>Rob gives in (or so I thought) and decides to come over
>Robs knocks on the door and Crying Calvin thinks it's okay to jump up and answer my fucking door
>my feel when
>Calvin opens the door and immediately starts shamelessly apologizing, still crying his fucking eyes out
>"i'm so fucked up man I'm a terrible friend, go ahead and stick me in the face I deserve it, come on man just stick me in the face, come on hit me, dude I won't fight back"
>Calvin shows Rob his scars like a badge of honor
>Calvin's crazy fucking face when
>"I DID THIS FOR YOU MAN, LOOK HOW SORRY I AM"
>this was when I realized just how much of a fucking psycho Calvin is
>tell him to get the fuck out, I don't want to be around this kind of shit
>Calvin gets home and decides to attention whore even more
>starts texting us pics of his arms which look like they have fresh cuts
>saying shit like "you did this to me man" "look what you made me do"
>i am legitimately freaked the fuck out at this point and am debating calling the police
>decide to call him first and warn him that if he doesn't cut the shit I will call the police and have his ass arrested for harrassment
>breaks down crying AGAIN
>blaming me for all his problems
>admits the pics he sent weren't cuts and that he drew them on with a red pen
>convince him to come back over as long as he calms the fuck down
>comes back over looking really worn from all the crying
>Rob is still chilling, relaxing all cool and shit, and apologizes to Calvin
>trying to hold back my anger knowing all too well that Calvin is a manipulative motherfucker
>they end up bonding over a blunt like a couple of niggers and kiss & make up
>i still regret being the catalyst for renewing their friendship because this was only the beginning of Calvin's sneaky shit (regarding Rob at least)
>things slowly went back to normal after this
>can't get over Calvin's fucked up shit and the fact that it actually worked
>i begin to cook up a foolproof master plan
Motherfucking captchas. I keep getting mailboxes what the fuck is this bullshit?
Hey, you leave Leah alone...
Or I'm gonna go WHITE KNIGHT on your asses!
Pic Related... It's me. I thought so.
>the master plan
>break up Rob and LtLW
>put Calvin through the same bullshit he did to Rob
>not that complicated
>get Calvin to date LtLW and proceed to seduce the hambeast
>but breaking up Rob and LtLW was much more complicated than I thought it would be
>late summer 2012
>the shitstorm had come to pass
>LtLW and Rob were soon leaving town, but as luck would have it, Calvin was going to attend the same university as Rob and LtLW (probably because that faggot wanted to get closer to LtLW for whatever disgusting reason)
>this is where the plan begins
>I acquire Leah the Landwhales digits before they leave and proceed to text that whore like the alpha male I wish I was
>she eats it up
>starts falling for me (sort of)
>tell her i'm not exactly in the position to have a relationship at the moment because I was currently unemployed and wasn't into long distance shit
>i throw in hints that Rob has been cheating on her with another female
>she takes the bait, but the plot thickens
>as I said, the plot thickens
>Leah the Landwhale is pregnant
>start to feel my plan falling apart
>first thing that comes to mind is that it could possibly be Calvin's seed
>realize this could very well work out to my advantage
>call Rob and tell him LtLW is preggo sauce
>he flips the fuck out asking how I would even know this
>tell him LtLW has been trying to flirt with me and has sent me nudes (lie) and has done the same with Calvin (truth)
was in the 2 threads yesterday, didnt get to see the ending.
lets hear it op
Oh wow. Okay then.
>it seems this may very well be the last straw for Rob
>convince him to get her an abortion and cut all ties with her as the fetus could possibly be Calvin's
>he actually goes through with it
>i still laugh myself to sleep over this
>the only problem was they didn't break up
>Rob is still pussywhipped regardless of all events that have come to pass
>there's nothing I can do until they come home on their next break so I wait patiently and continue to pull strings
>winter break, early 2013
>i decided to drop my original plan for a more proactive one
>instead of getting revenge on Calvin, I focus on removing the cancer - Leah the Landwhale
>believe it is in my best interest to first and foremost seduce her and have Rob catch me in the act of deep sea whaling
>i spend the majority of the time we chill subtly flirting with LtLW and dropping hints that I'm DTF
>Rob is too deluded to notice any of it
>being the sauve gentleman i am, it worked perfectly
>bitch was hooked on my swagger
>we exchanged late night texts over the course of 2 weeks trying to figure out a foolproof way to fuck
>little did she know, I planned on having Rob catch us in the act
>i had to bide my time and wait for the perfect opportunity
>as fate would have it, opportunity was knocking on January 7th 2013
>things fell into place almost exactly like the Calvin incident
>everyone was on xanax (except me)
>this was the perfect time to execute my final solution to the landwhale question
>Rob was passed out (as far as I knew) in the kitchen, his face in a bowl of chili
>be chilling in the livingroom with Leah the Landwhale
He? No, I did.
>much like the biblical story of Jonah, Rob has been figuratively swallowed by this whale
You got me OP
>start to feel up her hamstrings
>my fingers sank deep into her craters of clammy cellulite
>cannot believe I was about to go through with this
>she starts molesting my mouth
>can feel her mucous membranes secreting saliva into my esophagus
>heart is pounding
>my penis now perpendicular to my testicles
>shoves her hand in my pants and starts massaging my scrotum
>her hands are all crusty and dry because winter and landwhales can't into lotion
>enough is enough
So, we meet again, Heaven... Following me again? Heh... No matter.
*Slices your head off with my dual energy katanas that my dad gave me* HEEYAH
*I shoot a laser at your body from my hand and blow it up* Heh... Nothing personnel... Kid
this is fucking great op
somebody please screen cap this shit
Sarcastic or not. Ironic or not.
>push her onto the floor and whip out my benis
>start masturbating furiously
>yell at the top of my lungs "ROB GET THE FUCK IN HERE"
>Rob snaps back into reality and darts into the living room
>looks at me confused as fuck with chili dripping down his cheeks
>his face when i jizz all over Leah the Landwhale
>proceed to berate him and call him a pussywhipped faggot
>WERE YOU BORN TO RESIST OR BE ABUSED?
>IS SOMEONE GETTING THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST OF YOU?
>IS SOMEONE GETTING THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST OF YOU?
Heh... Whatever... I'm done with you.
im pissed at how much i laughed at a troll post
Even though OP was a faggot and ended with a troll it was still fucking hilarious with the whale jokes
You faggots deserve to fucking get this punishment, none of you realised that it was just OP's faggy twist on the bonybro story
Sorry guys, I really went off on a tangent yesterday after a shit ton of ardent Anons started begging MOAR. More than half of the story is true though. I started bullshitting around the "master plan" part.
Thanks for reading though! :3
Bullshit unless you're Rob. How the fuck would you know exact details of what happened when you weren't there?
And don't fucking say Rob told you, a second ago he was so drunk he couldn't even stand up straight, he would not remember these details.
So OP is Rob!
>had a legit story but then turned into a shit tier troll
You didn't even have the dignity to make it a good troll, you just plopped it in there. If anyone should kill themselves, it's you.
Execute your plan and fuck leah the landwhale just like you said, but have her on top that way you die from her whale blubber weight.
Anyone in here from last night should have caught on it was troll thread after the sniffing period diapers comment. If you wern't you read some entertaining fiction and didn't have to spend 3 hours waiting for OP to type. It was good fun. Why mad?
hah... Anon is retarded and can't even into basic reading comprehension.
Read the thread again m8.
It wasn't originally a troll, but you hungry faggots kept begging me for more yesterday and I felt obliged to provide.
I can rewrite the story without the embellished fiction, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be as funny or entertaining.
if you include as many witty comments about leah's whaleness, then it'll sure as hell be entertaining.
If not, still just for the cringe points of a pussywhipped guy going after a landmass so large worthy of its own government.
You burned me once you salty bastard, never again. You're not going to finish it, you're never going to finish it, you're just going to return night after night after night and post 2/3 of a pretty interesting story.
This is how to properly perpetrate a troll story. Write a good story that draws people in, then end with an unsatisfying but well planned joke. Because of people aren't upset that they wasted time and care on your shit, you're not telling hard enough