4chan adventure: OP is kinda drunk edition
You are on a dirt road in a thick forest. There is a fork in the road. To the left there is the village of Grendor; to the right lies Aldabad. You're not sure where the path behind you leads; in fact, you don't really know how you got here. You are wearing a chain shirt, leather britches and simple hide boots. You have a satchel that contains a few silver coins and a piece of parchment.
What do you do? Odds decides.
You decide that you've had enough of this world. You take your sword and slice your own throat. As the last of your life drains out of you, you see a bright light. It grows and expands until you see yourself standing stark naked in the middle of a large hall resembling a royal court. A robust bearded man dressed in archaic armor stands before you. He speaks:
"Young adventurer, your journey to that afterlife has come too soon. You have far too much potential in the mortal realm to be swayed by retarded faggots like PcGX+qLg."
"Who?" You ask, thoroughly bewildered.
"Never you mind", he continues. "As I was saying, for that reason, the lesser gods and I have elected to give you a second chance. Fare thee well."
Everything goes black again, and you find yourself at the fork, just the same.
You don't know why, but suddenly you are immensely hungry for dirt. You dip your finger into the earth and scoop a bit into your mouth. It is surprisingly delicious. You lose all control. You begin shoveling whole handfuls of dirt into your mouth. At some points you scoop faster than you can swallow and almost inhale it. Alas, your stomach likes it less than your mouth and you puke a vast amount of brown slime into the hole you just dug.
You start walking down the path to the right. The journey is mostly uneventful. After a while, you some across a bearded bald man in tattered clothes sitting on the side of the road.
"Greetings, my good man", he says. "Can you spare a copper? All I need is enough for one night in the tavern."
"Sod off, you smelly kike", you grumble at him.
"Well then", he says, "I guess I'll just have to take what you've got!"
He pulls a dagger out of the back of his britches (you have no clue how he was storing it) and lunges at your throat. You barely have time to stick your arms out and wrestle him to the ground. You work your hand around his neck, but his dagger is inches away from yours.
You should be able to simply raid villages, if memory serves, like if you demand something from them and don't have the manpower to scare them into giving it.
Don't remember if you have to be allied with anyone and attack an enemy owned village, but I don't think so.
You don't really know who or what PcGX+qLg is, all you know is that whatever it is, it sucks nigger cocks and must die. You release the jew and draw your sword. With a single swing, you lop PcGX+qLg's head off and send it rolling away. As you stand there with a triumphant, shit-eating grin on your face, you feel the jew grab you from behind. The cold blade of his dagger is pressed against your throat.
"Let's make this easy", he whispers in your ear. Hand over that satchel and we can both just forget about this."
"Wait," you think. "I've been trained for this".
Using your Jew-do skills, you grab the kike's forearm, pull it downward and lock your chin. You curl your back, thrust your hips downward and pull him over your head, causing him to hit the ground in front of you ass first. You flip him over and stick the tip of your sword to his bunghole.
"No, please", he begs, "I'll do anything you want. I'll be your personal cumslut forever!"
You will not be swayed, though. You slowly jam your sword into his colon and thrust it back and forth, shredding his intestines. A stream of blood and liquid shit streams out, forming a large puddle. Much of it gets on you. You watch the agony in his eyes as he dies one of the most gruesome deaths possible.
You pause for a moment and think:
"I know I exist. I have thoughts; that's obvious. In order to have thoughts, I must be a being capable of thought. Nothing can deceive me into falsely believing that I have thoughts, because for that to be possible, I would have to think I have thoughts. However, I cannot rule out the possibility that all the other things that seem to be true may not be; in fact, I have believed many things that later turned out to be false. Therefore, the only things I can ever know for certain are that I exist and that I am capable of thought".
There are no wenches to be found here, but you figure there may be some in Aldabad. You continue down the oath until you reach the town. It seems to be an ordinary town, with a blacksmith, a baker, a butcher and a debaucherer. There is one detail that strikes you as odd: almost everyone is wearing a purple headband.
You realize that you never took a close look at the parchment in your satchel. You take it out and examine it. It is mostly blank except for one brief note:
>Thou art a faggot.
You strip down to your leopard print thong and prance merrily about the town. You shake your booty in the face of every man you see. Some of them seem disgusted; others are delighted. Suddenly, two men in full plate armor appear.
"Stop right there, criminal scum!" one of them demands. "Homosexuality is illegal in this town!"
You thumb your nose at those white privileged straight midweight homokin heteroromantic neurotypical cis male shitlords and tell them to check their privilege. You turn and try to prance on, but they instantly tackle you and beat you senseless. The drag you by the ankles through the town until you reach the tallest building in sight. Your bump your head several times on the floor before they stop. One of them opens a trap door. "Homosexuality is illegal", he repeats. "All violators are sent to the magistrate's personal dungeon". He throws you down the trapdoor and you hit the ground with a thud.
When you come around, you find yourself in a dimly lit room. There are torches on the walls with chains and shackles in between. There is also a lot of odd furniture in the room. A man in a black leather suit approaches you with a bullwhip in his hand.
"Are you ready for your sentencing?" He asks in a growling yet lustful voice.
You recall a dance move from a shitty 90's music video that somehow became a bad meme in your hometown. You have a sudden urge to recreate it. As you open the door and get on the floor, your thing slides off and you feel a thick rod jam its way into your rectum. The pain is unlike anything you've felt before, but so is the odd twist of pleasure you feel. The rod thrusts is way in and out for several minutes until you feel a warm liquid being squirted into your colon. The rod withdraws, bringing a trickle of runny shit with it. You are suddenly flipped onto your back and are now looking the man from before in the eyes.
"Now that the first nut's out of the way, it's time for the real fun to begin", he says.
It seems the vigorous sodomy from before loosened your bowels so much that you can no longer contain your excrement. You shit furiously all over the floor.
"Hey, you guessed my favorite fetish!" the man exclaims as he scoops up a handful of shit. He proceeds to smear the shit all over his face and starts making out with you, full tongue swapping.
This act disgusts you so much that you feel a sudden urge to puke. You try to hold it, but the man with tongue fucking you so hard that you can't escape. You puke straight in his mouth. He withdraws and you continue to puke. You have no clue how there is so much stuff in your stomach, but it's enough for you to keep puking for a full 3 minutes.
"Eww, gross, take that grody shit out of here!" the man interjects.
He picks you up, one hand on your hair and the other on your crotch, and carries you up a flight of stairs. He throws you out a back door, leaving you naked and covered in shit, puke and trace amounts of Jew blood.
You try to open the door, but it's locked tight. You knock, but there's no answer. You look around you. There are a few piles of trash in this alley, and there seems to be a tramp sleeping underneath one of them. There are scattered puddles of what you really hope is rainwater. A mangy dog at the end of the alley is munching on something you can't see.
The dog looks at you, and it's love at first sight. The dog canters over to you and you see that it's a he. You embrace him, and he starts licking your face... and your neck... and your arms... and your chest...
He keeps going until he's licked you completely clean. You realize that this dog is the companion you needed in your life. You decide to name him Cumtarget, after your grandfather.
You decide to take Cumtarget to find some ladies of the night. You strut though the town butt naked. Some people give you odd looks, but it's nothing you're not used to. You ask people where the nearest brothel is. Most of them ignore you. Finally, one shaggy old man directs you to a place at the edge of town. He leaves you with a kiss on the cheek.
You and Cumtarget walk through the door, Five women are lined up in front of you. From left to right:
1. A fat, kikeish looking broad with a hooked nose and curly black hair
2. A skinny blonde bimbo with good sized tits who doesn't seem to know where she is
3. A brunette who is completely average in every regard you care to look at
4. Another blonde; tall, with tiny tits and a face like a horse
5. The most beautiful redhead you've ever seen, completely perfect in every imaginable
You turn to the manager and say, "I'll take the one in the middle".
"As you wish", says the manager. "3 silvers for oral, 5 for vaginal, 6 for anal, 9 for anything you want for an hour".
"Oh..." you groan, as you realize that you lost your satchel when you stripped off your clothes.
"No money?" the manager fumes. "Then get the hell out of my brothel!"
5 Cuils: You ask for a hamburger, I give you a hamburger. You raise it to your lips and take a bite. Your eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the stairs. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I give you a hamburger. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun. I give you a hamburger. You look at my face, and I am pleading with you. The children are crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips, tears stream down your face as you take a bite. I give you a hamburger. You are on your knees. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only children's laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as you fall down the stairs. I am your child. You cannot see anything. You take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you. You awake with a start in your own bed. Your eye twitches involuntarily. I give you a hamburger. As you kill me, I do not make a sound. I give you a hamburger.
You won't be taking any of this fat fucker's shit. You tackle him, pull down his pants and rape in the ass until he dies. After taking his clothes and coin purse, you wrap your arm around the average-looking brunette's elbow. "Come forth, milady, your chariot awaits!", you say with glee. You strut into the street with your new bride as she struggles hopelessly to free herself.
After a while, she realizes her struggle is futile and goes along with you. You take her and Cumtarget into the woods. You instruct Cumtarget to bite the wenches ankle so she can't run off while you work. You try to gather logs, but soon realizes that you have nothing to fell a tree with and have to settle for sticks. After a few hour of hard work you produce something that would made a great campfire, but not such a good living accommodation.
You decide that a stick in your peehole will have to do. You pick one of the sticks off of the stick cabin you made and slowly wriggle it in. The pain is immense and you gain no pleasure from it. It dawns on you that you are completely fucking retarded.
You walk up the the wench. Cumtarget still has his jaws wrapped dutifully around your ankle.
"It's-a sexy time!", you exclaim as you lift up her skirt.
"Why... why are you doing this?" she asks, with fear in her eyes.
You have no good answer, much less a boner. However, the stick in your peehole provides just enough stiffness for you to slide it in her cooter. You thrust back and forth while the stick scrapes your penis from the inside. It is painful and you gain no sexual gratification, but the terror in her face makes you feel warm inside.
Set fire to the cabin by rubbing your dick stick on it, cook and eat the dog, shit him out onto the girls face and smear it all over her face, dub her niggerface and that is her name from now on
A surge of hunger rips through you as you realize you haven't eaten anything since this adventure began. You look hungrily at Cumtarget, and he looks wistful as he realizes that he must sacrifice his life so you can have a meal. You try to start a fire by rubbing your cock on the pile of sticks, but it doesn't work because events in my story have to have at least some semblance of plausibility. You strangle Cumtarget and eat him raw, not letting the wench have a single bite. When your are finished, you wipe your face and say, "Come, Niggerface, a great adventure awaits!"
She is far too horrified to offer any resistance.
You pull the stick from your urethra. So much blood spurts out that by the time you get to the village, you are woozy from blood loss. Niggerface follows you, afraid to find out what would happen if she left you. You walk from shop to shop gathering handfuls of supplies. This is quite easily done. You help yourself to whatever you want while Niggerface distracts the shopkeepers with her tits. You carry the bundle of supplies back to your stick pile in the woods. It is only then that you realize that there is enough money in your stolen coin purse to have paid for all of it.
You pick up a rock and smash yourself in the head with it until you pass out. When you come around, you smash yourself more and ultimately die from brain damage. You come to the hall with the bearded man again. He speaks:
"You know what, I've given you too many second chances already. Besides, I'm tired and also kind of a faggot. I'm gonna let you die this time".
You spawn in giant's forest. Your magey friend is asking you why the hell you two are in giant's forest. You're in red armor, he has on a blue robe and a hat. Your hair is red. You have two swords who you love very much.
You pull out your blades and murder the Black Mage, your dearest friend who you have always loved, and you also love when he stabs you because you are a dumbass. You weep. A giant appears.
You attempt to throw your swords away and run, but you cannot unequip the swords in battle because you are too attached to them emotionally. You fail to throw away the swords and just run away from the giant.
You find the road and look around. There is a sign pointing east which says "Corneria." There is a sign pointing west and north to "The Temple of Fiends."
You begin to violate yourself with your swords. You are in excruciating agony before one of them, you're not sure which, cuts through your throat. The last thing you see is the blade sticking out of your neck.
You awake in a forest, shouting out a greeting to the world before declaring you will become a beacon of justice. Somewhere dearing your conversation, you are greeted by some weird dark guy in robes. You're pretty sure he's some kind of emo freak or an escapee from a mental institution.
Get raped by the guy's robes, you know, the one's he is wearing.
The guy in robes is quite disturbed by what he is witnessing when his robes animate at your will and begin raping you horribly. He tries to run away but is trapped in his mage robes. You are satisfied.
You talk with the robes. They continue violating your anus while burning. The mage man who is trapped watching his robes violate you assumes you are on some really good shrooms because you're talking to robes, which he is pretty sure are just inanimate objects who must be under your control in some sick and twisted way that makes him cringe.
You ask the robe for its hand in marriage. The mage is frightened at this point and also desperate. He jumps over you and runs away. The robes still do nothing. You are alone, on all fours, being raped by a set of robes of some guy who you never will know because you scared him off.
Realize you're ways, and follow the man with your Cursed Robes of Violation in tow.
You run after the magey man with his self-violating robes that he doesn't want back after he saw what you did. You scream and shout and attempt to get his attention, but succeed only in running nude with the arms of a cloak shoulder-deep in your anus, giving you an awkward bowed stance and making walking a much more difficult task. The maged man eventually collapses about 300 yards away.
Run over and have the man join the party, ask the robes to share their love with this man.
You ask the robes to share their love with the mage man. The man man is disgusted. He casts a fire spell and burns the robes. The robes reveal themselves to have been possessed by Shrek, who rapes the mage man.
Record that shit with your YeOldiPhone and post that shit on YeOld4chan
Kill Shrek, save man. Ask man if anything is wrong.
You kill Shrek in manners unbecoming of the hero you once assumed yourself to be. You then ask the magey man if anything is wrong. He calls you a sick fuck and casts his fireball on you. you are now dead.
You wake up at a fork in the road with two signs. One sign says "Tourrettes." The other sign says "Fuck you."
Run as fast as possible down "Fuck you"
Skip with fabulous joy down "tourettes"
Say fuck it, and start cutting down trees for a campfire.