>Be me, leader of the Imperial army in Skyrim
>Stuck in a bullshit civil war because elf assholes are radical fucking milk-drinkers
>Banned some bullshit god and now I have to deal with viking ISIS
>Getting too old for this shit
>One day some asshole in shitty iron armor shows up
>He says he wants to join the Legion
>Wait, this asshole was at Helgen
>He survived the fucking dragon
>With his hands tied, wearing rags
>Already dealt with shit for letting prisoners escape after the attack, let's make him pay
>Send him to go get some bone crown or some shit
>Hopefully he'll get murdered by the stormcloaks
>Hear reports of dragons being killed throughout the country
>Whatever, less paperwork for me
>About 2 years later the guy comes back... wearing armor made out of dragon bones
>Strangely, he's bleeding out, looks close to death
>Everything stops for a moment, I can't move
>He suddenly heals back up to perfect health and gets even more built
>He hands me the bone crown like it's nothing
>Fucking Akatosh I've gotta get rid of this guy
>He crouches down right in front of me
>Oh fuck where did he go
>Look at guard next to me
>He's now naked, holding an apple pie and wearing some stupid jester hat
>Asshole reappears in front of me, strangely wearing the guard's armor
>Eh it's probably just my imagination
>Send him on some bullshit raiding missions against winter muslims
>Pray to the divines he gets murdered out there
>Still stuck in a civil war
>Fuck this shit I'm done
>At least the raids are going well, clearing out Al Queda pretty quickly
>Strangely every soldier is dead afterwards
>One day the dragonbone asshole walks up to me
>It takes him 3 fucking hours to walk through Solitude he's so weighted down
>Pulls out about 200 sets of imperial armor
>Office is fucking filled with sets of my dead soldier's armor
>He picks one up and rubs it on my face
>It even still smells like the soldier who wore it
>Can't do anything, he's not breaking any laws
>Guard brings me a report
>Says that dragonboner keeps killing all the the fucking troops
>I can't do anything, no proof
>Guard looks at dragonbone
>"Hey I know you"
>Dragonbone starts screaming at him about how many confirmed kills he has and bullshit
>Guard turns around, dragonbone immediately starts to strip
>Oh fuck where'd he go
>See dragon bone leap out of the pile of armor like a horker
>Stabs guard in the throat, immediately goes back to his ballpit of corpse loot
>Look at guard's dead body
>"Oh, what happened?"
>he picks one up and rubs it in my face
I lost it at this point.
>Working my day job at the local black smith shop
>Wanderer comes up and asks if he can use our smelter
>Tell him it's ok as long as he doesn't steal
>Come back out 15 minutes later
>Iron daggers everywhere
>Be me, majestic goat.
>Walking through a forest eating whatever grass i can find in this fucking snow.
>Suddenly see a guy in heavy iron armor.
>Hear him grumbling about lamps for his house or something.
>He sees me and gives me the weirdest stare.
>Swear i can hear him whispering "finally" under his breath
>Suddenly he yells at me and i fly the fuck away.
>Hit a tree and break my neck, cant move
>See him walking towards me, this is the end
>I died in battle, Goathalla here i come.
>Guy cuts off my horns
>MY. FUCKING. HORNS.
>He runs away all giddy, leaving me here like this.
>Civil war is almost over
>Boned Dragon seems to complete every mission really fucking easily
>Shit's coming to a finale, about time to storm Windhelm
>Gather the entire Imperial army outside the walls of the rebel capital
>The whole 20 man army
>Start to give a battle speech or some shit
>I don't even care at this point, I haven't had a sweetroll in weeks
>Dragonbone charges ahead of the entire army and into the city first
>Walk in a couple seconds later
>There's already a pile of about 10 corpses in front of the gate
>Dragonbone is standing on top of a building with a bow
>He pulls back an arrow and starts to spin at light speed
>Releases the arrow and shoots an imperial soldier through the heart
>Whatever, we've got a jihad to kill
>Dragonbone murders about 20 more soldiers in the blink of an eye
>We're about to rush into the palace when all of a sudden, he stops
>Runs over to the weeds bordering the walls and beings to pick them
>Immediately shoves them in his mouth and gets poisoned
>Starts doing this with a whole shit ton of random vegetables and flowers
>Eventually runs into the palace
>Kill all the guards myself while dragonbone keeps trying to cast some bullshit spell
>Eventually he does. A huge fiery explosion sends corpses flying around the room
>A couple hit me in the face
>Start talking to Ulfric Bin Laden
>Dragonbone is now running up and down the table throwing plates and shit in every direction
>Say fuck it and give him a sword to murder this asshole
>Dragonbone starts to rub the sword on Ulfric's face, not doing any damage
>Eventually shouts at Ulfric so hard that he flies across the room
>Whatever, he's dead
>Look for dragonbone to congratulate him
>He's already fucking gone
>Thank the divines, let's hope I never see this asshole again
>Traveling with J'zargo
>he says some shit about how if anybody sneeks up he will smell them coming
>watch this fucking skeleton walk up behind him and hit him right on the back of the head
>he tells me "maybe not"
>acts like nothing happened
>Totally lose it
>I have to deal with this fucking guy?
>Murder them both
that was the last of the Traveling with Lydia guy's stories. I have a few others
>just escaped the executioners block
>heading towards some town for ale or some shit don't really give a fuck
>hear a roar and some shouting
>oh shit it's a giant fighting some of my fellow nords
>use bow to help them
>qt walks up to me
>starts talking about how I should consider joining their group the companions
>can only think about how my dick needs a companion
>go into city and find their group
>join for some of that nord pussy I met, learn her name is Aela
>battle with them for a while do errands and shit
>learn their dark secret
>Aela's friend dies
>avenge him for her favor
>become Harbingers and marry her
>sex is great but she doesn't want to ruin her figure so we adopt a few kids
>year passes been doing dragonborn things
>wife becomes boring as fuck only telling me basic shit like "welcome back."
>we start arguing because I want to feel like I'm talking to a real person
>fuck this I'm out
>I left my wife and kids for a qt Vampire girl
>sex is better
How about the fucking nightmare-walking courier?
don't let pic confuse you
Sorry brohams, this one was a bit harder
>Be me, Master alterer of assholes at the college of Winterhold
>Chilling in the courtyard one day
>In freezing weather
>See some asshole talk to the elf bitch on the bridge
>He wants to get in, obviously
>They argue, apparently he doesn't even know magic
>He fucking shouts at her so hard that she flies into the freezing asscrack canyon below
>I'm too high for this shit
>Shouty starts running around and jumping like a retard on an anthill
>Slips and falls off the edge
>Lel, serves him right
>Some furfag catkin starts talking to me about his spells
>Fuck off fag, you're not even a magical race
>Turn back to the bridge
>Shouty is back up, running down the bridge again
>Gets to the gate, pretty badly wounded
>Proceeds to eat 300 cheese wheels
>Fucker looks like he just had an orgy at Jorrvaskr
>Elf bitch comes back and runs up to him
>"That was amazing! You truly are the dragonborn!"
>Dragonborn? Oh fuck
>Gates open for some reason
>Why do we even close them? This may literally be the only time they've been closed in the history of the college
>Shouty comes up to me, wearing the clothes of elf bitch that he just stole
>Starts spinning around for some reason while shooting lightning into the air
>Give him a ward and tell him to fuck off
>That shmuck actually thinks it'll protect him
> ulfric bin laden
From that point on every line slayed me
>Start doing some basic ward training and protection bullshit
>Talos I don't fucking care about these kids, I just wanna get some of that sweet nirnroot
>Shouty comes up
>Fucker I've been waiting 3 god damn years for you to show up
>He keeps casting the ward for about half a second and getting toasted
>Drop that ward one more time, I fucking dare you
>Eventually he manages to keep his dick from getting roasted like a kebab
>Hell if I know what that is, I've never even heard of a kebab before
>Probably some blackguard asshole food
>Whatever, I need to get out of here
>Decide to take the little shits on an expidition to an abandoned barrow thing
>Maybe some of them will die in a rockslide
>Get stuck with shouty inside the tomb
>Asshole picks up some retarded necklace, doesn't even have any good enchants
>I think I blazed too much nirnroot, next thing I know, I'm standing in front of some kind of giant glowing tumor
>But this isn't your average everyday tumor
>No, this is your magical blue god tumor
>The Eye of Cancer
>Maybe I can conjure up some bitches with this
>Decide to take it back to the college to study
>How the fuck am I gonna get this outta here
this one is from the thread last night
I have it somewhere but I don't have it in my skyrim folder.
>be me, investigating the this corrupt shithole i live in
>following a suspected "forsworn" murderer
>naked asshole with a stupid mask walks into town and kills the guy
>how the fuck did he know?
>i spend the next day sending this asshole to fuck shit up all over town
>half of everyone is dead
>now i'm dead
>not realising Markarth is the US
>jews behind the conspiracy (Bretons)
>essentially run by rich family (America is owned by rich jews)
>Jarl is just a spokesman
>Rich get richer and the poor stay poor
Murica being the most prominent in the real world.
Thalmor are more of a mashup of things. Empire is like the Soviets before the counterattack on the Nazis. Thalmor are just facists straight up, with no proper real world counterpart from what I can tell. I wouldn't say Nazis or North Korea but definately facist.
But how is it worse than the rest of Skyrim? In what ways
>Get the big ball of blue cancer back to the college
>How the fuck do I study this
>Senior elf bitch starts to try and pick fights
>Bitch you wanna go?
>Damn Thalmor coming into my country, taking my jobs
>Shouty walks in, half dead as usual
>And, as usual, proceeds to eat half a raw deer to heal his broken legs
>Starting to warm up to his autistic ways, maybe he's not such a retard
>Few minutes later
>Retardo thalmor bitch starts trying to use the power of the Cancer or something
>Kills the arch-fag in the process
>Whatever, he didn't do much anyway, just sat in his room and creeped on the wizard girls
>Fuckin hell I can't move and shouty is the only one that can stop this
>Keep shouting at him to use the Shaft on the Eye
>Stupid ball keeps summoning ghastlies to fight Shouty
>Shouty ignores me, instead tries to stab the Eye with his legendary piece of shit greatsword
>Keeps getting hit by Retardo's cancer beams
>Starts to strip
>This guy is supposed to save us?
>He crouches and starts to roll directly towards Retardo
>"Where did you go?"
>Shouty is practically headbutting Retardo's dick before he notices
>"Never should have come here!"
>Time pauses for a second, Retardo caught mid-cancer blast
>Time resumes, shouty is now wearing armor made from the heart of demons
>Apparently even his god weapons can't break through the cancer shield
>Proceeds to shoot his Shaft beam into the Eye
>Eats a couple pieces of horker whenever his hands get too melted to hold the staff
>Cancer eventually explodes
>Retardo is dead
>Shouty, who has only been to this college for about one day in total, is named the new arch-mage
Sorry bros, something came up and I can't write greentext all night. I'll plan on starting a thread tomorrow, but right now I've gotta go. Thanks for being such a great audience!
All the busineses are going down the shitter, you get killed if you talk abut the Forsworn, the Forsworn actually run the city, they didnèt even build the city themselves. People literally just moved into some Dwemer ruins.
The only worse place is Riften for obvious reasons.
Falmer are ancient nigs in a way. Getting enslaved by the Dwemer and shit. 'Present day' niggers are probably Khajiit though, I mean most places in Skyrim don't even let the traders in the city walls.
>be me, out with the shield-brothers, killing a giant.
>guy in a bunch of stolen imperial armor shows up
>he shoots one fucking arrow and aela is all over him
>turns out he's one of us now
>i try to be nice because he's probably the only one here dumber than me
>now he's a fucking werewolf too
>now he's my fucking brother's favorite
>now he's the harbinger's favorite
>now he's the fucking harbinger
>now he's fucking aela
>i remember when the companions were cool
I actually have about 30 pages of skyrim smut I've written mostly from Lydia's perspective, but I don't know where or how to upload it to the internet for people to read while protecting my creative property.
I never thought to see it that way but it makes sense. If we were to avoid the obvious redguard = black people inference, I'd say Orcs are more like niggers than Argonians. People don't generally have a problem with Argonians but very few groups besides bandit groups ever mention an orc as pleasant.
Based on a true story.
>new guy shows up in Riverwood
>wearing shitty armour
>decide he needs a friend
>maybe he will help me with a situation
>"hey I'm in love with Camilla Valerius but so is Sven, can you give her this letter and say it was from Sven?"
>he'll totally do it and I'll have a girlfriend and him and I will be bros for life
>he gives her the letter
>"hey Faendal gave me this, said to say it was from Sven"
>OH FUCK NO
>I hate him so much
>few weeks later
>reading a book outside because it's such a nice day
>see that faggot again
>fuck him I hate him so much
>decide I'll go smack his stupid face with my book
>I approach him
>I suddenly realise...
>oh fuck he's the dragonborn!
>nervous as fuck because he could easily kill me by just yelling
>"hey uhh... you've been a good friend to me, I wanted you to have this"
>give him the book
>he takes it
>I run away
>never talk to him again
OP already made it to some Facebook fanpage for the Imperials:
>be successful member of thieves guild
>see a naked lizard man somersaulting around the market square
>convince him to pickpocket a guy's ring for me
>the lizard wizard steals every goddam item in the market except for the ring i asked for. He even managed to take the guys pants without him noticing
That could be entertaining. But guys, don't forget Cicero
Skyrim Raical Comparisons
Nords: White people. duh. racist and highly intolerant, they hate everyone because they were there first, even if they conquered it. Strong, hard working, reasonably intelligent, they are the backbone of a functioning society
Khajit: Native Americans. If you think about it, theyre nomadic, have a major drinking problem, gambling issues, high crime rates etc.
Orcs: Asians, believe it or not. They are honorable, meticulously focused, and follow a strict social hierarchy as well. They might have much bigger dicks though.
Imperials: Jews. Money perks, persuasion, social influence. need I say more?
High Elves: Californians. So stuck up they had to have their own land. aesthetically pleasing and a focus on social status leads me to believe they might reflect snobbery of some sort.
Dark Elves: Gypsies. They live outside civilization, focus on magic and spells which parrallels the stereotypical fortune teller. Theyre also sneaky and deceitful
Argonians: not really any defining parrallels, but hey make up a big chunk of the workforce and can swim really well. Maybe mexicans
All i can think of ATM
This thread reminded me of just how fucking much I loved Skyrim and Oblivion. It's just so ridiculous some of the stuff that happens, some of the stuff you do that when viewed from a NPC's perspective, is just fucking bizarre.
Half agree with the Orcs, they're Asian based with honour but that's about it, the rest is more sophisticated tribal stuff. The Tsaesci that are supposedly from Akavir are heavily based on Asians, and when the Tsaesci got in with the Empire after and invasion they founded the Blades hence the armour/weapons looking Japanese/Roman mashup. Dark Elves and Khajiit both have gypsy elements, Dark Elves a tad moreso, but I don't see Khajiit being related to Natives, at least not traditional Natives, they're a little bit Arab (with Redguards being alot moreso) and actually a little bit African because of the terrain they live in (Desert and Jungle). Bretons seem more Jewish in the conspiracy overlord sense, but I see what you mean with the Imperials, though I'd also link them with main Europeans for historical battle prowess and the longest lasting Empire (Don't even need to say where that's from). Argonians are hard to compare, because in other provinces and throughout history, they're treated shit, but back in Black Marsh they managed to fend off the Empire, and recently in Skyrim time they even attacked some of the settlements left in Morrowind, so I guess they can compare to Native Americans in the parts of history where they had the upper hand (Black Hills, for example). The rest is pretty much on point though.
>standing outside my house in rorikstead
>warm day, clear skies, good day for a walk
>start walking and loving life
>look up, see dragon
>time to die
>notice some guy with robes on
>shoots lightning at this dragon
>i'm saved thank talos
>some dude in iron armor comes sprinting over a hill
>runs up to the wizard, screams so hard that the wizard goes flying
>dragon free to murder
>screamer looks up, yells at dragon
>dragon lowers its head
>he gets on
>riding a dragon
>dragon repeatedly takes off and lands over and over
>eventually starts spinning in circles midair
>dragon breaths unholy fire killing a goat
>dude gets off
>dude walks away
These mostly come from the behavior an stats of the races, just observations in the game. Its easy to say redguards are niggers because theyre black or khajits are gypsies because they have eastern europeans accents. I really do view the khajit as native american. mostly for the skooma problem and but being nomadic could be that or gypsy I guess. The deal sealer for me is how not until recently have Skyrim's citizens recognized the khajit as citizens with their own rights, just as native americans were essentially viewed as another species and denied judicial review, a place in society etc
>Dark Elves are the Gypsies
>Not the Khajit
Come on, they live in fucking caravans, steal shit and deal drugs.They also smell, talk with a weird accent and lick their own assholes, they are a perfect match for gypsies.