I need help. I know there other places I can go to but for VERY PERSONAL REASONS I need to maintain anonymity
>me 19 and home from college
>parents out until tomorrow at aunt’s house
>home alone for the first time since I left for school
>lurking and then got bored and horny
>started fingering asshole – not enough
>tried remote control but the buttons made it too uncomfortable
>me walking around house naked with greased up asshole, looking for large and smooth object
>find 150watt aquarium bulb – EUREKA!
>go to room and lock door
>insert bulb and begin to fuck myself first slow and then furiously
>lightbulb slips from fingers and gets sucked in
>don’t really care because too turned on
>beat off furiously and have MIND-BLOWING-ORGASM
>go to crap out lightbulb but can’t
>keep pushing and hear a ‘crackle’ followed by blinding pain
>instinctually jump up and see blood in toilet and now running down my leg
>wake up in a small pool of blood and in blinding pain
>clean up mess
>grab tampon from sister’s room
>can’t put it in because of the pain
>stuff cotton balls in asshole in spite of pain
>hear parents come home early, major power-outage so they come home 12 hours early
>currently locked in room, panicking and feeling woozy
>can’t tell parents because parents are hard-core catholics and dad is a police officer
>father will kill me if he finds out I’m gay; mother will disown me so telling them is not an option
>please help me, I think this is serious
>please don’t make fun of me, I don’t think I can take anymore punishment tonight
If you are in fact serious, just bite the bullet and tell them you need to go to the hospital and that they need to trust you, you'll tell them when you can. If you bleed out, or get an infection, you're fucking dead....
what the fuck do u think i can do here from my battlestation?
besides tell you to go to the hospital
Im catholic btw, its very unfortunate for you, just call 911 good to the hospital say you dont wa.t amy visitors, dont let em see you. When your all healed go back to ir parents, theyll just be glad your okay
If that is in fact true... I'm sorry? I once had something like that happen, but not as bad ( stuck 2 glasses in by ass, and the top one broke from the pressure, had to then VERY carefully poop out a broken glass that cut my asshole pretty good. the wife may suspect something, and I"m sure a doctor that did an exam has some idea, but noone else knows. That said, that was one giant piece of glass, sounds like what you have is tons of little ones...
>150watt aquarium bulb
if telling them is not an option, the next option is difficult and extremely dangerous.
Get a mirror to look at your asshole, and fish out all of the broken lightbulb. Get every fucking piece
Neosporin the hell out of your asshole, try not to eat too much so you don't shit. It's going to hurt for a very long time.
Take IMMACULATE care of your asshole. Even then it's probs finna get infected, maybe not.
And stop sticking breakable shit in your ass, next time use a hairbrush handle or a banana in a condom.
ofc if you're trolling, i still lol'd
go to the streets and find somewere safe to get rid of your pants then get yourself covered in dirt, and shit and proceed to go home, and thell your parents you have been smugled by a nigger who rook your underwear and shoved a lightbulb up to your ass.
>turn on computer
>google: brutal anal.fisting
>put on a video
>turn up dat sound
>when prents come lay down in the puddle of blood as if fainted
>with the porn on at full volume
911. Now. I don't suggest walking, just call 911 and tell them you have severe rectal bleeding. Tell them not to tell your folks, just come down and inform the medics of the cause. Don't risk this. Tell your folks you pushed to hard and blew yourself out, that'll explain the surgery you now need. It'll be alright, you can totally lie your way thru this. But of you keep it secret, you'll die, and your parents will know the real reason. Trust me, take the risk and lie to your folks.
inb4 this self loathing faggot dies from TSS or some sort of heavy metal poisoning
>Tell them you wanted to punish yourself for being a faggot
>Been struggling with for a while and constantly punishing self, this was the climax of your self hatred
>Parents feel shitty and get you to ER
Tell them you're bleeding from your anus and that you have unbelievable pain, don't tell them that you know why. Make them get you to the hospital, make them wait outside the room. Doctors aren't allowed to tell them what happened without your consent.
Look, they'll suspect something, but hopefully they'll understand the embarasment, I think everyones done shit like that, and most people that "Hate Faggots" are because they had an experience they didn't like, and don't want to face up to. THis can either be a small note in your life that seems weird, or it can be the things that kills you.
it's a light bulb, not a 3 month old tampon made out of rotten pig fat and botulism.
>heavy metal poisoning?
stop it, you're retarded.
/r/ing the gif of that guy trying to shove a jar up his ass by slowly lowering himself on it, and when he gets it in, it breaks and puddles a shit-load of blood and broken glass under him
We are talking about your life. And playing with your butt doesn't mean you like men. I'm not sure you could convince your catholic parents but whatever. Either way don't fucking die because you're scared of daddy ffs grow a pair and tell them to get you to a hospital STAT
I can't imagine this not being bait. Either OP is a colossal, incomprehensibly magnificent retard, or you faggots are more prone to it than usual.
You expect me to believe that you have broken glass in your rectum and not only are you conscious and posting on /b/ rather than seeking help, but you took the time to relay the entire story in greentext and find a relevant picture to go with it?
OP Follow my instructions precisely:
1. Convert to Judaism immediately. That will negate your mom's Catholicism.
2. Join the Black Panthers. That will neutralize the statist pig powers of your dad.
3. Shoot yourself in the head with your dad's service sidearm. You will immediately respawn and all will be well.
Goo Speed OP and you're Welcome!
Okay, I am 100% sure you're bullshitting, but I am going to give you the most obvious advice anyway.
Tell them you popped a hemorrhoid or something, go to the hospital, tell the doctors you actually fucked yourself with a light bulb and don't want your parents to know.
Let them do their magic, and don't put glass shit in your ass again. At least take it out when you're done.
dude you're 19... get to a fucking hospital even if you need to drive yourself and they legally don't need to know what happened... Think of the shit that'd go through your parents heads if they find you dead with a broken bulb up your ass...
If serious: Call 911 you fucking idiot.
There isn't anything that's going to help your insides on /b/ or anywhere on the internet. You're bleeding internally and from the sound of it at a rapid rate, not to mention whatever heavy metals that aquarium light bulb contains.
tl;dr Emergency room or die
Fools, a 150W globe would be an incandescent which is a tungsten filament filled with argon. No mercury anywhere near the thing.
Op, go to hospital or you will die from internal bleeding if not end up with a totally rooted colon.
sure is winter break in here
>op, you're a faggot
>if real post pics of bleeding asshole
>everyone else, you're also faggots
Don't let yourself die for this. That's retarded. There's no point in school or parental opinion If you're dead. It's not worth it to die for this. Don't be a child. Take care of yourself.
>aquarium lightbulb (metal/halide)
>cuts in most bacteria-heavy location in body
>doesn't think infection or metal poisoning is likely
sounds like you're either retarded or lacking in any sort of formal education
call 911 anyway
do it now
don't let a fucking lightbulb be what killed you, OP
I believe in you, you can do this and get through it
Everything will be okay in the end
if it's not okay it's not the end
Now call a fucking ambulance and stay alive
underated post. but seriously depending on the town or area you live in this could be a real solution
just say a demon put the bulb in you
jesus (pun intended), think outside the box
there is only two options, that's it
1- go to ER now tell your parents you don't what's wrong but you are bleeding like hell and in terrible pain at the ER tell the doctors
2- you die a terrible death and parents do find out what you did
you do 1, or you are fucking trolling
OP, there's a lot you can explain away AFTER getting medical attention. You can say whatever you want. But only if you are ALIVE, you dumbshit.
Call 911 right now. Otherwise, you WILL DIE. Not right away. You're going to die a slow, painful death due to sepsis. And when they do the autopsy, your parents are going to FIND OUT WHY YOU DIED. So get it taken care of right fucking now. Call 911.
If that's your priority when you are about to die from anus light bulb glass, this is just natural selection.
What happens when religious fundamentalists are allowed to birth children.
over the course of <24 hours.
yeah, you're clearly Gregory House
Okay. Im working on getting to med school. I know medical ethics. Theres patient doctor confidentiality. Stop wasting time on the web. Say you have stomach pain. Get the doctor alone and tell them it has to be anonymous. Stomach pain can be anything but tell your parents you feel pain in the upper left side of your stomach. That's the gull bladder. You over ate. Now GO.
Abandon thread. If OP wasn't a bullshitting shit-tier bullshitter he'd be passed out from either the pain or the bleeding. There's an INTENSE amount of blood vessels in your ass, and if the shards sliced you up like meat at a Jew deli you'd have bled out by now because you didn't take the shards out.
It doesn't, but I'm not going to make a separate thread about something that is VERY related to this one. And it can give you a visual representation about how much of a retarded faggot that you are. You NEVER put something that is breakable in your ass, and NEVER put something that can be sucked up into your ass. Why not take some of the advice in this thread and get off the fucking internet, you retarded faggot? I mean, were you born retarded, or were you in a car accident that made you this way? You're going to die if you don't go to the fucking hospital. This is all assuming that this is real, which it isn't.
no u. I know somebody has it in this thread. And why not force OP to look in a mirror and see a visualization of what a retarded faggot he's been?
Didn't you ever see the 1guy1jar vid? Don't stick hollow glass objects up your ass.
Go to emergency room now without any ID. Give contact information for a (trusted) friend. Probably should work out 2 stories, one for your friend to tell to family, other to doctor.
If your parents do find out and disown you, it's just an inevitable outcome and assuming they were paying for your tuition, cutting you off is entirely justified as you are not a biologically productive member of the family. If they somehow kill you, you'd still be getting what you want.
This is why burr plugs have a wide base, your ass sucks things in and things can get lost. yeah sorry bro u should probably go to a hospital. There's no not weird way of telling people you stick a light bulb up your butt, but you need medical attention so you probably just have to bite the bullet and tell them.
If not ur parents maybe call a friend or someone else to take you and just tell your parents you're going somewhere? Either way you need medical attention, this problem isn't going to get better by waiting.
if he's your dad and he isn't a complete and total faggot himself then he'll be more worried about you bleeding from your asshole than about beating your ass
then again, he's a cop so he might just shoot you and get a raise
PAIN IN UPPER LEFT OF STOMACH. TELL PARENTS.
DOCTOR PATIENT CONFIDENTALITY. ITS THE LAW.
Why would anyone screencap this? Are you that much of an autismal, newfag neckbearded-faggot that you believe this? OP hasn't even posted proof. He says he's in too much pain to stand up and show us, even though he is now lying on the floor and obviously has some sort of mobile device that he could easily take a picture with. He could simply roll on his side, pull down his pants, take a picture of his bleeding ass, and post it. He has done NONE of that, nor has he posted any other type of proof which he could easily do.
tl;dr OP is a lying faggot, and you are an autistic, retarded faggot for believing him
Alcohol could kill you, at this point. Don't drink. Call 911. You are not really understanding how serious this is. If you don't call 911 right now, you're very likely going to die in the next 72 hours. In agony. As it is, no matter what, you are going to go in for surgery and are most likely going to have a section of your intestines removed. Call 911. Quit dicking around.
If you live through this, you can come stay with me if your dad kicks you out. Just fucking call 911 and survive this.
I'm a father, OP. And I'd rather my son do something terrible, tell me about it, go to the hospital and live than die. Trust me.
And also thin your blood/fuck with the clotting ability, speeding up the rate at which you bleed out.
>implying this is a bad thing
OP, you obviously need to die in order to not contribute your DNA to the gene-pool. Even if your retardation isn't heritable, you would be a fucking terrible parent that would create another autistic, faggot retard
It's actually better practice to leave impaled objects in place until you get medical attention
i.e. if you hit an artery and take the blade or whatever out, you're going to bleed out a shitload faster
Haha Uh huh. Like your parents by now aren't like "Hey uh... Anon... Why haven't you said hi to us? We're here early, where are you?"
Thread's been going on a half hour already, Anon would be passed out for a lengthy period of time by now, or... You know, dead, from blood loss.
OP, here is what you must do.
>Scream AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MY ANUS
>Pretend you ate something bad or some shit, like a month old taco. Be creative.
>Parents take you to hospital
>The second your parents loose sight of you you tell the truth to the nearest doctor/nurse.
>They will help you yet won't tell your parents anything.
Just make sure you tell the doctors you're not poisoned before you actually get your stomach pumped. They will understand and won't get mad.
>working on getting into med school
pic related. it's a gull and its bladder
I think OP has all the good advice he can use if retard is serious. If not he can follow my previous advice:
>OP Follow my instructions precisely:
>1. Convert to Judaism immediately. That will >negate your mom's Catholicism.
>2. Join the Black Panthers. That will neutralize >the statist pig powers of your dad.
>3. Shoot yourself in the head with your dad's >service sidearm. You will immediately >respawn and all will be well.
>God Speed OP and you're Welcome!
Corrected to God.
Alright faggot heres what you needs to do.
Step 1. Found blunt weapon
Step 2. Knock out parents
Step 3. Go outside and knock out the first person you see
(hopefully its a large black man)
Step 4. Call police and tell them there is a man in your house, hes knocked out your parents and your hiding then the closet. Before get off said phone, make noise that sounds like your closet door being forced opening, then make sounds like your being raped. Found after light bulb and shove that up your ass.
Step 5. Wait for pig cops and ambulance to arrive.
Step 6. Get medical treatment.
Step 7. Tell the cops that the person you knocked out broke into your house and raped you with a 2 light bulbs.
Boom, fucking bam, zing ting nigga pow wow, problem solved. No need to thank me.
Good thread to lurk mate! Why would you believe someone is in such bad pain they cant even get up yet they bothered to worm they're way up to the keyboard and request advice on /b/?
I'd agree with that, but OP wasn't impaled. Shards of glass break and act like a barbed arrow, digging deeper, or going further inside, or both. And you know THIS OP is sitting cross legged like the pinnacle of faggotry that he is, he's gonna be bleeding sliced rectum like steak tartar.
op's going to die.
let this be a lesson to everyone, don't stick large unintended glass stuff in your butthole it will break and you will bleed internally at best and your asshole will be come one big internal scar and you'll need to wear a diaper for the rest of your life at best.
DO NOT CALL 911.
We don't need retards like you to survive and breed.
You're gonna be okay, it's just a light bulb, it won't kill you. Trust me.
So you haven't told them about the lightbulb? Like other people have said I should keep that part to yourself. Tell them it's stomach pain or something and only tell doctor about the lightbulb, your parents don't need to know.
>insert bulb and begin to fuck myself
> major power-outage
BOTH YOU AND YOURE PARENTS ARE HOPELSS IDIOTS. I ONLY HELP FOR THE LOVE OF MEDICINE AND THE EXPERIENCE. IF THEY HAD ANY BRAINS THEY WOULD KNOW ALCOHOL DOESNT CAUSE YOUR RECTUM TO BLEED. YOUD BE BLACKED OUT AND POSSIBLY GOING THRU AN EPILEPTIC ATTACK
1) I work in an OR and we remove shit people stick up their asses all the time.
2) If you have intestinal bleeding, you need to get that checked out. Would you rather your dad find out you're a fag or would you rather die from sepsis.
3) Do fucking golf balls next time. They seem to the most popular thing to pull out of an ass, but they won't tear your intestinal lining.
This all could be avoided if you weren't such a faggot.
okay OP here's your options:
1) perform self-surgery and use pliers and such to remove as much glass as possible
2) keep taking painkillers
3) go to fucking hospital
4) call a close friend who would be down to investigate your asshole
your best bet would be to take a ton of painkillers and try to slowly take out glass, pooping it out will tear your asshole and intenstines
good luck brother this is a tough one
Kek kek kek
You are too cool
Tell your parents you got a call from work saying they need you to work the night shift. Then go to the ER and tell them not to contact the family.
GL. Next time, don't use something made of glass and metal
Yes OP. Die like a good bi-curious pig you are. Many keks to be had, troll or not.
Yup. You're a fucking liar. I don't want to even see your asshole for any reason EXCEPT for you to prove that what you're saying actually happened. YOU'RE the sick fuck who gets off on shoving things up your ass, you insufferable faggot. Even a timestamped picture of blood on your legs would work.
tl;dr op is not only an insufferable faggot, but a LYING insufferable faggot.
So you went all like Arrrrr and it went all pop and then you went all ARGH ?
Seems legit didn't do Jarman any harm by the look of it
You need to go to the bathroom, lock the door, and gently insert a pair of tweesers into your anus. Pull out all of the shards of glass and pour peroxide in there. Also, use anti biodics. That should slow the bleeding. Your rectum may have been cut in the process. So you may want to.. er... Stick a cotton ball or two in there. Sorry. That's my recommendation.
THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS! I TOLD these autistic neckbeards someone had the gif and wasn't a total faggot and would post it. You are the confirmation. The messiah of the ass-bulb-retarded-faggot-op thread.
Get in your car, go to the emergency room, give them no information and tell them it is a medical emergency.
Fix it up, give them all fake credentials (bring no wallet with you). Before you get the shit taken out send your parents a msg and lie to them. Say you are going to a friend's house.
Are you retarded? Did you actually believe ANY of this was real, especially after his replies to requests for timestamps or even pictures of any kind?
How do you ever go on 4chan? Do you believe everything posted in every single thread without proof? I bet you still fall for the picture of that chick with the glasses and the sticky note that says "72 decides what I do"
>Sorry, but I was not born retarded nor in a car accident
>was not born retarded nor in a car accident
>was not born in a car accident
>born in a car accident
>make it so it so it was
>so it so it
How can anyone understand what you're saying, you mumbling, stuttering fucking retard? You're even stuttering while typing.
You are obviously missing a chromosome, or you have too many. I am very unsure, but you have some kind of genetic retardation. Or you really WERE born in a car accident, causing significant brain damage.
>pic related: it's you
I just make sure in case. If this WAS real I at least hope that he saw my advice and dug himself out of the hole. But you're right, the likely hood of this being real is very very low.
He's "gone to the hospital". And by that, I mean he's been being a lying faggot the entire time and either got bored with it, or gone back to sucking cock for the evening. Or he's watching the fruit of his efforts, giggling into his Dorito-dust covered fingers while twirling the hair of his neckbeard.
Thank you for restoring my faith that SOMEONE on 4chan isn't literally retarded. This is exactly what I was getting at, but I was hoping that mongoloid >>588584730
would take the time to look up what he was saying and realize that he was wrong. Natural selection is just a component of evolution, not evolution itself.
Good point. It's about a guy who allegedly shoved a light bulb up his ass.
Why are there so many faggots on this board? Why can't they go to the gay board? Why do so many people here like trannies? Will all these questions ever be answered in this post?
Yeah, I never really got the whole reason why people are such assholes to each other. Maybe it's because their anonymity gives them a sense of being able to say whatever they want to each other with out consequence . I realize that there are actual people behind most these screens. Grown men that are acting like children half the time.
You would think, but then we have the "if we came from monkeys, how come there are still monkeys?" "how come apes don't give birth to humans?" etc. people. Questions I last asked when I was like 8.