Hey anon, how are you today?
Now we will commence the motivational thread
It's been awhile, but I am here.
Give me your woes and your questions, anything you like
I am here to guide you
What ails you my friends?
Hit me up on skype
Come on brothers let mee see your problems. Maybe we can help you.
Hard times make strong people. Strong people make good times. Good times make weak people. Weak people make hard times.
Are you the hardy or the weak?
We need you to be strong.
Get in here anons.
All those who wish they had someone to talk to, whatever it may be. I am here.
Well now, if you don't like what I'm trying to do, why don't you leave, Im sure there are plenty of people out there who could use some advice.
You must first tell me why you want to play the guitar.
You are better than you know my friends, let me help you bring that out.
Why do I feel so unwanted? I hate everything but really only my self. I want to be happy and make friends but at 25 I am just losing hope here. I know working out and eating healthy is just a part of the puzzle. I don't know the rest or even know if i want to anymore. I was fucking fine 2 months ago but i had to meet a girl fucking always the same thing.
I used to be a loner. Then i met someone that clicked well with me. They left me, said i was too weird. I don't fit well with everyone else. I can but it's tiring and i'm not happy. I'm not happy being alone either but i also don't want to be stuck in a situation where i have to change for people.
How can I make my dad proud? All my life I've been trying to get him to at least tell me I've done good once. The straight As, the after school activities, I even joined my schools football team like he did but all I ever get is blank stares and the silent treatment.
My friend, you must always work for yourself
Dont worry about women, that will come later
You know you want to keep going, you just dont know the how, but you know the why.
You already have a good start, working out and eating well are the building blocks
I know how you feel, I've been there anon
It doesnt matter how you fit with others, all that maters is how you fit with yourself, others will follow.
Like me you are stuck in the loop of selfishness and longing to be apart of something
Never fear, you will get there
Don't change your core beliefs but maybe change a little, you must improve.
He sounds like a hard man to please, but thats only because he wants you to be better than him, and you will be, but think not of him, think of yourself, what makes you happy? What makes you feel fulfilled?
I was and still am like you, my dad is always dissapointed, the only thing you can do is strive but you know not how. Trust me when I say that he will not be dissapointed for what you choose to do, only that you have chosen to do something.
Im fine but great idea OP
motivational pic related to thread
I recommend visiting /fit/ we're all gonna make it brah.
You aren't trying hard enough.
Thanks for the bump>>597309037
Everyone loses confidence with attractive women, its because they feel they arent good enough, never let that dissuade you. You are good enough, you just need to find that.
I do feel somewhat selfish. i want to be understood. The thing is my job requires me to be around people. I do understand them, sometimes i know them more than themselves. The problem is i've never met or talked to a human being who understood me or could be on the same page as me. I constantly change for people around me.
Sometimes i just wonder what went wrong with me. In my teen years i was popular because i knew how to fit in. The problem was i didn't really fit in. I didn't understand anyone.
What's wrong with me, anon? I feel like giving up. It's like being stuck in a place where no one speaks your language.
Yes but why, does it make you feel good? Does it make you happy?
You want to have a leg up being social dont you?
Well then, that is your goal, practice every day, what you seek must surely be found. If only you want to find it.
My ex texted me a while back. Her roommates were having a party but she has an exam so she couldn't join em. She asked me to text her so that she wouldn't fall asleep.
We started talking about random stuff and then she tells she went out with a guy but she found him uninteresting because he was too any and stuff.
Then she says she doesn't know why she was telling me all this.
What does she mean by that?
Also I am dating her best friend now. Should I tell her that ?
How are you disabled if I may ask?
Many others have found love
This was just a quick google search but maybe it will help?
No, thank you, for in the real world people say they want to help and want to listen but deep down all they want to do is make them selves feel better on some level, but at least here it means something for we do not know each other in RL.
Kind of like this?
Im sorry anon, it takes some time to respond.
Always remember, there is nothing wrong with you personally, what's wrong is how you perceive the world, thats not to say that you are wrong, if you always look out for you, whos to say that it is bad?
That's a minor problem, will you get better?
It doesnt matter, you are still you, disabilities and all, if you work on yourself, give others some semblance of what they want you will be better for it.
And I am no different, I would be lying if I said that It doesnt make me feel better to help others but the purpose of this thread is to dig deep. If you want something more in depth you could add me on skype mattrempel1
The thing is my ex is kind of a psycho. Her bestie who I'm dating knows this better than anyone. She did tell everyone else and its not a secret. It's just that no one has told my ex yet because they know shed go berserk. We do wanna tell her but haven't found the right moment.
But I'm feeling guilty because I have jeopardised their friendship and wanna tell my ex the truth and be done with it
She still wants you anon. She is telling you because she feels she must share with someone equal.
You should probably tell her, unless you want to further things with her, but I am guessing she is your ex for a reason.
Im sorry anon, remember, your confidence is all you have, you must keep that up, it doesnt matter what anyone else says, least of all me, you must live for yourself. You may feel like a shitty person, but just remember that you have much to give, im sure your friends appreciate what you do.
Need to lose 175 pounds. Can't stop eating too much & not exercising enough. Will have decent meals when I'm thinking clearly but blood sugar will tank and I'll just eat garbage and then "wake up". Also wife feeds me to show love instead of BJs. Helps pls.
Pic related, it's how my tummy makes me feel.
No matter what you feel towards your ex, sometimes you just have to let it go, be done with it. Live for yourself.
take control of your eating, exercise isn't needed to lose body fat but it helps speed up the process.
Diet is the key, 80% or more is to do with body fat loss, you can exercise all you want but if you're eating crap then you'll eventually resemble the pic.
Also, have an honest talk with your wife. She's a feeder and is probably doing you more harm than good
She sounds toxic. Try visiting /fit/
And I know how you feel about cycles, I try my best to eat well but then I drink too much beer and eat alot of pizza.
You must do this not for your wife, but for yourself, obviously it pains you to be fat, and who can blame you?
You should get her on board, start buying food for a week, making a plan to make meals for the week, get her to help.
Would it? Probably, but only the ones you wouldnt want in the first place, you shouldnt be so centered around women. Improve yourself, and others will follow regardless.
Confidence wouldnt put me off a girl, men are supposed to be the foundation of any relationship
Keep extolling your own virtues and you will find those that wish to be with you.
Thank you sir
To be honest, I don't know how to properly describe my problems as I see them. On one hand, I have an overwhelming desire to serve my family and alleviate the pressures of the world that rest on their shoulders. On the other hand, I wish to fight. Every encounter I have been in has given me a taste of life and I want to fight to continue feeling that sense of manic fun and rage. But if I pursue the fighting path, I leave my mother who often has trouble doing things on her own because of a bad back. I don't want to leave her to her own devices but I also don't want to use her as an excuse to not so the things that I dream of doing.
/b/ my problem is that I was built to withstand pain which is why I wish not only to serve but to fight but the world would deny me my path. I have no job because every job is taken by people who take their good fortune for granted and I can not fight because the area I live in has no contestants or legal events within a reasonable travelling distance.
I am without purpose and I can't remember the last time I felt alive.
>Though, I am writing a book and after three years my writing method has improved dramatically. But I'm worried that now that I am a skilled enough writer to satisfy my own standards, I might not have the will to go through with finishing the book when all is said and done.
Study you bastard, study, dont put it off like I know you're going to, actually sit down and read your material.
Otherwise, good luck my friend.
There are no bad test takers, only those who doubt themselves.
Also, the bit at the beginning where I said I didn't know how to describe my problem was just me warming up; not actually knowing how to describe it at the time but then figuring it out once I had talked about it a little.
Wife has started making more healthy food, but portions are still a problem for me. If I eat until I'm full, it's like 2x my caloric needs. If I eat a weight loss diet, within 3-4 meals food becomes all I can think about.
Don't need to look like pic but have akid and over 40 - it's destroying my health.
Also sleep disruption since becoming a father has added 50lbs.
Regarding that picture, I've been trying to understand what it means to be willful because I find that I am highly willful when it comes to something that's difficult that I have to deal with in the present but when it comes to something that's tedious that I have to deal with in the future, it becomes something that I can't bring myself to do (though I've gotten good at forcing myself to do things but I find myself becoming mentally exhausted afterwards). I'd like to come up with words describing the difference between these two instances of will but I find myself not being able to bother with it at the moment.
Sorry anon, I will be there shortly, a long question deserves a long answer.
There have been studies recently sayin you are only as tired as you feel, do it for your child.
You must visit /fit/
But that is poor advice, remember this, will you feel better never being full or being full and regretting it? I believe you have the knowledge and skill but you must adhere to your meal plan, all you lack is will. It's a mindset. You shouldnt think of it as dieting but as improvement.
First of all get off 4chan. Switch off your internet and study from your textbook and other materials. Sit for 4-6 hours and you should be done with it. Like completely
You probably won't get much if theory in your test. It'll mostly be problem solving stuff. Basic shit from factor label and conversions and shit
Just sit and practice you should be able to ace it.
Also don't give a fuck about others just focus on your test. Don't waste anymore time.
I always thought I wanted to make a youtube channel, but it's been 8 years and I have only about 200 subscribers.
I find it hard to motivate myself to make videos, mostly because I feel as if whatever I make is going to get 300~ views max and feel like a disappointment.
What do I do to motivate myself to make videos? I know what it takes to get views, I know what it would take me to get subscribers, but it feels that going for that would be 'selling out' of sorts, as if I was abandoning my true self for viewership.
Is my goal not to gain viewership but to express myself and be heard? What if nobody's listening? I keep feeling like there's no point in doing anything anymore, like my life's a fuckin drag that's not going anywhere and I don't feel like doing anything to get it moving...
Help me out here, I need sage advice...
We are all without purpose, that is what brings us here, we have rarely felt alive, I wish I was a fighter like you, I have been in many scraps but no fights, I could only guess at what rages within you. Always remember that you can never alleviate everything, you can only try to help as much as you can.
You must fight wherever you are but never fight whenever you feel it.
Take care of your family but never let go of what you feel you must do.
I hope this has helped and I am sorry for taking so long, I am but just one drunken anon.
Quantity over quality my friend. I don't know what kind of videos you make but. Just think about the people who watch your video's everytime. They love it.Just keep making videos's man. If nobody watches one video. Upload another. Don't give up.
There is always somebody listening.
We all feel that way, but you have a leg up, you have a passion, follow it, may I suggest watching the streamers at twitch.tv, see how they garner viewers maybe it will help.
Remember, every youtube star started somewhere, unknown, it is only you that can bring this out.
Never sell out but sometimes you might have to make concessions.
We are all alone together.
Fuck it, I may be drunk but I want to help.
Time means little when the response is genuine. These are mostly conclusions I've come to on my own but the fact that you came to these conclusions as well is what brings me peace. Your words are another stone wall that fends off the the bullets of despair. Thank you.
I always wanted to make videogames. I did, for many years, as a hobby. Then I tried to commercialise it. I spent a year and a half making a game I didn't really have my heart behind but that I thought might sell.
It didn't sell, anyway. And totally burnt me out. I haven't made any games for years since.
Of course, we are all different. Maybe you can make videos for others and not lose your motivation? Or maybe, secretly, it's the viewership that you actually desire, and maybe you will feel better if you make videos for others and not yourself?
If life feels like a drag, you need some change, at least.
You are most welcome, I wish you well in your endeavours, if you have a youtube channel I woukld happily follow it.
I know that this generally violates the unspoken anonymity clause of 4chan where folk are intended to keep themselves a secret but would you mind posting a link to your channel? You seem to have a very genuine personality and I'd like to help however I can.
haha thanks for pointing that out my bad.
Can you read this one?
Bump. Well, I guess since this thread is slowing down somewhat, I'll add a subtopic to keep things interesting.
Who here is interested in lucid dreaming?
What have you accomplished with lucid dreaming?
What interesting dreams have you had in general?
Best of luck to you, may you find peace.
This is why I could never see myself killing anyone. This right here. Just the fact that everyone's lives are so complex, and that I would be destroying an entire world by ending it.
[spoiler]On the other hand, I sometimes think that our lives amount to absolutely fuck all, and that nothing of value would be lost.[/spoiler]
(same person) I guess I'll start off by suggesting techniques for lucid dreaming. Most people I'm sure know that you should lie still and regulate your breathing until a veil overcomes your consciousness and you feel like you're lighter. At this point, you can usually sit up then stand up out of bed without moving your real body.
However, I've discovered that memorizing and remembering music can help one maintain consciousness through the dream transfer process. If you happen to run out of the song before falling asleep, just play it back again and again until you feel the veil. Also, it's worth mentioning that you shouldn't do this with your eyes open or you might get attacked by dream apparitions appearing in your bedroom.
It's mostly game videos, a few Real life videos and may may bandwagons(These are the highest viewership)
If you're still interested I guess I got nothing to lose. (except the occasional 'ur a nigger' comment from now on)
I appreciate the advice guys, I mean it's obviously not gonna get fixed just like that, but I feel a bit better now.
Usually the motivation comes when I got someone to make it for. Like a friend or something who will appreciate it directly. The 200 subs feel a bit like just a number, like they're just in my head and don't actually exist. (Though a few friends comment on the newest video when it comes out and that makes me happier inside)
For me, the thought of killing or torture has always been about truth in the eyes of others. The thing is, if I was going to torture someone who was a complete dick, the whole time they'd see me as the bad guy, never imagining that any of that situation was their fault. On the other hand, if I killed them then their minds would just fall into the void and thus, the lesson would be lost. It's not that I want to punish them; I actually want to help them become less horrible people.
>Trying to teach people to be nice is complicated.
Life is entirely subjective
Who is to say that a serial killer did the wrong thing?
Morality is a vast grey area, only you, and you alone have your own understanding of morality.
Life is entirely subjective, and don let anyone tell you otherwise
This may be the /pol/ in me but I think Hitler was a great man because he saw what he wanted and he made it a reality
Life i entirely subjective. And thats the scary part
It has been a while, but you're right on time.
Thank you friend, I aim to be where I am needed most.
I'm still up for it. Plus, I'm always looking to learn new ways to perceive others. This could be extremely educational for me. The thing is, you seem to understand yourself and I'd like to see another sample of someone who understands themself (sample of 4) who has actually created video content. Plus, the fact that you've made multiple videos is significant in itself since I can create a timeline of character development from beginning to current for the channel.
I know some people may find this to be creepy but I'm just highly interested in learning more about people who have the ability to think.
It is though, being nice is a social construct
You must live life as you see fit
I'm depressed, but it's not chronical, I just have had trouble waking up in the morning to do what is needed to do. The only times I was able to do so properly, this sentence was in the center of my mind.
Damn, I wish I didn't feel so alone when surrounded by known faces.
Anyone else having trouble telling friends when you feel like shit ?
Holy hell. I've had to revise this so many times, it's not funny. I'll just shoot straight to the point. To me, being nice is just not being a dick to others.
(I'll add onto this later but for now, I need to get this out.)
Anon, everyone has this problem, we coast along through lives we know we are better than.
But we dont want to burden our friends with this knowledge, even if we feel they are in a similar place.
And to answer your question yes, I have problems revealing my emotions.
Can you tell me how many friends you have? Also, can you tell me what friends you feel the closest to? (obviously, you don't need to mention them by name).
Also, the reason for why you feel close to these friends is useful to know as well as the reason for why these friends are closer than the others.
It's not so much about being nice, it's about respect, if I feel that you don't deserve my respect, well I will not treat you well, but if you do, then I will go above and beyond.
You should watch Good Morning Vietnam
These two are my favorite videos in my channel. I had a good time making them, though in the end I kind of stopped because of copyright infringement and also felt like I was not adding anything much (Just taking a song and making a music video for it)
Then I started listening to more royalty free songs, but I never had one where it made me wanna make a video for it.
In any case, I'm proud of these two videos, but they've barely been watched.
Also, don't mind the name of the first one, I was a bit edgy at the time :v And the first one was made over two periods (The second part was made like 6 months later than the first, I had a bit of a creative/motivational stump)
My mom went back to Russia, and she's never coming back. And it's my senior year at school. I've been feeling like shit for a week now, and now that she left, I feel even shittier. Please help me deal with my depression.
I even went to school without even hugging her goodbye, which was making me feel like shit.
How do I light the fire under myself, so to speak? I mean, I understand I have to be the one to change the aspects of my life that I can't stand, but I lack the drive to do so.
'Respect' to me is an idea that revolves around, as I stated before, not being a dick. Each person starts off with above neutral respect. If a person manages to be "nice" then they have succeeded in achieving the quotient for my respect. If a person fails at achieving the quotient, they are given many chances (and I do mean 'many') to prove that they deserve it. Of course, I don't prompt them to prove themselves as that would ruin the natural order of their behavior in the way I mean to observe them. And then if someone manages to display unique qualities that set them apart from people who simply earn my default respect, they become a person of interest and I often dedicate years to studying them.
One such example of the third instance has been my friend for over three years and they possess a certain malleability of mind. That's not to say that their easy to brainwash or anything but that it's easy to get them to understand things even when they are presented in an obtuse manner (a trait that is pretty uncommon).
So, I guess the point is, if anything, I'd like people to just behave. But otherwise, I'd like to meet more people who have flavor to them.
Only speaking about real, close friends, not the different bunch of groups I belong to.
One is 30, 9 years older than I am, kind of my "big brother", we used to stick together when things went south, now has a girlfriend and a good life.
His girlfriend took good care of me a year back.
One is on the other side of the planet on a year trip.
Same with another one, in the country next to mine but still unreachable because of her hours of work.
One "finaly" decided I was eligible to get in her bed, not much of a "friend" since.
Two are having trouble of their own with their girlfriends, we used to get drunk, try to fix the world and complain about stupidity of people and women in particular. More like complaining about our lack of luck.
One is under important medical care and has been for 2 years now. Don't want to spoil his fun now that he finaly can see the sun again.
The constant line is that I feel like I'm always complaining, when I'm really not but it doesn't matter, so when I feel bad for real, I don't want to burden and bother them.
The only two I can share with are people who don't talk much until it's too late, on lives 500km away so I rarely see her, the other is kind of a recluse/is not available to talk/share while in society.
I'm thinking I should begin to write and do music since I have time on my hand. Instead i'm just hovering threads here. That feels like a waste. But it eases everything else.
Anons, im sorry but at this point im too drunk to ffer advice
Just know that I love you all
And its not just me
I will continue thes threads as much as I can, if you would like to talk I am here at mattrempel1 on skype
Again I am sorry, I know you all have pressing concerns but I fear I cannot help you anymore.
I really am sorry, godspeed to you all.
May we meet again when I can more accuratley give advice.
Loving that song in the first vid btw
That first video was actually pretty fucking neat. I really liked that general scene direction of it.
The second one was nice, too but I guess I find myself being attracted more to darker themes. However, that's not to say that it wasn't great in its own right.
I'll definitely be checking your channel regularly and giving support. I hope this helps in some way or another.
(Also, sorry for the time delay in response. I obviously had to watch the videos to know these things. lol)
Thanks guys. Means a lot to me to hear you say that.
Now that I posted these and remembered them, I feel like I should go back to making them more, since they're the ones that made me happy, regardless of viewers
I still don't know how it works, I mean, we would all go lay on the couch of some shrink and push this away, why the need to come among strangers and try to feel like we belong ?
What I did was take an interests in what he likes. I only found this out recently that I change my interests in hope of actually impressing in a way. He like's Football/Soccer a lot, so I just decided to have a go. I found out that the more I played, the better I got. The more I enjoyed it. I didn't regret my choice, I love the sport.
Just find an interest he has and make common ground. It'll most likely work.
18 year old
Also a psychotic depressive with OCD
Honestly killing myself next week when all my roommates are out.
Dont do it anon. Give your life another chance. Please
Lived with depression for way too long
Can never make friendships that last more than a year
Lost the best girl to happen to me
Slowly losing grip of reality
Failing all my classes
Family abused and tortured me for much of my life (burnt bare flesh with cigs, strangle, drown, beaten...on a normal night)
I'm ready to leave. This week is getting my things in order with funeral homes, packing, cleaning, finishing will, etc.
Can you tell me anything about your dreams as of late? I was once in a pit of suicidal depression but not as trapped as your are now. In that time, my dreams became ultra-vivid and extremely interesting. If possible, I suggest getting at least one final dream in before checking out (it's usually worth it, even if it's a nightmare).
However, if there is any way out that doesn't involve killing yourself, I'd say that you should try that first. Can you go in detail about your problems regarding classes? I won't claim to know more than you do about your major but I'll try to find some resources online that could prove to be useful.
Actually, it's funny that you mention that.
I started taking nicotine patches to get crazier and vivid dreams. I've never been a smoker, but I had 2 weeks til I killed myself, and read it online, so I tried it.
I had dreams within dreams within dreams. I kept waking up into worse and worse nightmares. One thing that stool out to me was this:
I was hanging upside down on some sort of rope, and mirror fragments were falling in front of my face. Each piece reflected a different part of my body, some were flowing with an golden and healthy aura, others were on fire, some were a sickly and charred black surface.
Then I was untied and stood opposite the complete mirror reflection version of me, and he told me "Let go".
I'm ready for the DMT trip out of this life.
Sick of being alone all the time.
Sick of ruining anything good that happens to me.
I'm the nicest person you'll meet, give gifts to everyone, will walk home a girl friend in a winter storm from a party, just so she's not scared.
Literally nothing I wouldn't do for someone I cared about.
But life just constantly fucks me.
I'll miss my /b/ros, some of my only real friends left.
Got a recipe for 14.5k ppm H2S, one breath of 1-2k kills you immediately, but I gotta do this just right.
doctor anon, I've been goin solo and dealt with every problem all on my own, no one knows about it and all the adventures and trials I've faced all on my own not even my parents why you ask?, well I have a hard time talking to others and just generally don't want to be a bother to them I had "friends" but didn;t hangout with them much, I was a drifter, a nomad, no permanent address, I just get mixed in with any kind of people and I just rolled with it but now that I think about the future and all my present problems seem to be heavier than I can carry, I've been trying to fight it off for so long that I can't seem to move forward anymore, I've been wandering so much that now I feel lost
Lol long story.
But here are the essentials:
>poor immigrant parents
>dad working on PhD, so gone for long periods of time
>Mom was main caregiver
>household salary was like $40k, and I had 2 other siblings
>I was born with a lazy eye, needed braces, lots of heart and lung problems, etc
>I was the most expensive child
>dad would come home at 4 am from his lab, and just drag me out of bed and beat me until I passed out, fill mouth with water until I was drowning, wake me up, continue beating me.
>this was almost daily
>got bad chest rash once
>picked chest skin raw
>parents shoved burnt cigarettes into my open flesh
>parents were CRAZY conservative Christians and huge fucking hypocrites
>suicide pact with first gf at 14, that got fucked up
>moved to Canada
>4 years if hs, got crazy ripped, depression not as bad, not many friends, but I made it
>last semester of gr 12
>depression hits HARD
>no sleep, sports, gym, anything
>go on Zoloft cus my 93 avg was now in the 60s
>4 suicide attempts in December
>have never been this low in my life
>lose girlfriend in January
>university was to be my escape from childhood, but I basically failed all my classes
Even though I got braces, eye surgery, and was a physical paragon, it was never enough to fix what was inside (le corny).
So I'm done, and the world can keep going without me
Have you ever had your dreams speak to you? And by that I don't mean someone talking to the person you are in your dream. I mean it in the sense of your dream directly communicating with you.
When I was in the death spiral, I had about six dreams that were monumental in their significance. The first five were just incredible stories that I could never have imagined on my own and the fifth one was of me on a trash barge-esque thing where there were a bunch of other people living there. I was just looking around in the trash to see if there were some scraps I could use to make something when this girl in a hooded figure called me over to them. I went over to them and she hugged me, telling me, "You can never have them. We can only belong to each other." Then I woke up, realizing that I wasn't meant to be with others and that being alone was actually okay.
So, what's inside that needs fixing, exactly? I didn't have it as bad as you but when I was seven years old, my grandmother would threaten me with death near constantly and play mind games against me where she would bait me into trying to tell my mother or others on her just so she could play innocent and convince them that I was a liar (basically trying to crush my hope).
I was eventually able to let go of how angry that made me feel but that's only about 5% of what you went through (Or so I think) so, I'm interested to see if there's a fix for what you've got.
I've had dreams like those, but most of them are in the voice of "don't suffer any longer", stuff like that.
I get other people can be happy, and they use me to be happy, all I ask for is just a modicum of that happiness, and the universe says lol nope faggot.
I know there are children being dismembermered, raped, etc, and I'll never be as bad as them. I know how ugly the world is. I also know how beautiful it can be.
Idk, just no point in just writhing in this pain night after night.
Even my future dreams seem pointless.
I'm sure you're looking to do something out of your life, and I wish you the best of luck, anon. But some of us are just too far gone.
Could you tell me what your 'future dreams' are? I just like to collect information about people who are in extreme situations. It helps me build a profile to compare against common traits shared by others.
I can't exactly pinpoint what's inside me that needs fixing, think I could do with a whole new renovation lol.
I'm also a narcissist, but that's because no one loved me, so fuck them, I loved myself, but that's not enough anymore.
I let people walk all over me at some times. Other times I have fits of uncontrollable rage and have almost killed people who sicken me.
If you want a direct answer:
Here I am, the land at the end of the telescope that I looked through to survive my horrible childhood.
Here I am, finally on that long-awaited paradise. I've found out it's even worse where I came from. Surrounded by debt, insomnia, depression, cracks in reality, I've nowhere to go. No one will miss me, and they have no right, as they never took the time to get to know me for what I was, and all the love I had to give.
So fuck them, and fuck me. I have dozens if counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, etc, but none of them have really helped. I also had 2 aneurysms last year, medical bills, and so much shit that I laugh at how fucked I am right now.
Well, got super interested in psychopathology 2 summers ago after reading this book called Pharmakon.
Decided I wanted to help people like me, and also break stigmas on hallucinogens as tools for mental health medicine. I don't have to tell you that the shit these companies pump out now is pure poison, but the right hallucinogens done right can fix almost anything. So my dream was to work with that, and help kids to never have to get to my point of fuckedupness.
Also wanted a girlfriend, or at least a female life partner that got me completely, and needed me just as much as I needed her.
Hate kids, so no kids lol.
And overall, just a life where I felt appreciated, loved, and did something that I was good at, interested in, and could help others with.
But I've fucked up everything, I no longer have control over my life, and my telescope isn't here to help me look forward anymore. All I see is an exit sign, and I'm more than willing to take it.
Someone who doesn't go to sleep praying that he won't wake up in the morning
Someone who can escape from the monster that is in me, and be productive, loving, and happy. Not gleeful 24/7 bullshit, but just content and at an emotional equilibrium, get it?
Damn. Here I am continually trying to ask the right questions to get the right answers that will lead to other questions that might help you out but with each answer you give me, I'm further convinced of your situation. I honestly wish it didn't have to come to this. Your suffering was unconditional and unfair. It's not enough to say that you didn't deserve any of that and it's bullshit that you got fucked over in the ways that you did. To be honest, it churns my insides to know that I can't help you. I wish you could have had a different life but sometimes, we can't help it and we're given no other choice but to commit a final act of defiance.
Do as you feel you must. I don't blame you at all.
Also, this isn't me condoning suicide because my devotion to a sense of hope requires that I always try to look for some way out. But sometimes, there's a grey area where things get through because there is no right answer.
Thanks anon. I know what you mean.
And I don't need anyone's permission to end my life, but knowing someone doesn't just go "hurr durr it gets betaahhh" means a lot. Have a beautiful life with all that you want, and I wish you the best. If you ever see someone headed to a place like mine, try and help them? Cus it fucking sucks here. I'd love to be normal and happy, but that's not even an option anymore.
Only a fellow /b/rother could understand me. Take care, anon.
-a thankful anon