I'm going to tell you a story about how my life got ruined.
>be me, underage /b/rowsing summer fag back in 2007 or 2008
>come across thread about peeing in the shower instead of toilet to saving water
>plus it's "10x easier to pee in shower
>start peeing in the shower
>stop using toilets for urination all together
>at public restaurants, I pee in the sink
>my yellow, sometimes clear, urination seeps out of my penal hole into the sink or shower daily without water caressing it down the drain
>been doing this
>decided toilets are stupid all together
>try to figure out how to take shits without toilet
>read article about how millions of gallons are used to flush away shit a year
>it must be done
>decide to dig a hole in my backyard
>mind you this was when i was underage and lived with my parents
>the hole was covered by a wooden plank and then covered with lots of dirt and grass
>all this trouble to save water was worth it
>the satisfaction of shitting with freedom was the cherry on top
>however, still pee in shower or sink
>it's the glistening bounce I hear when my urine hits the water less surface that makes me want to pee all day long
>years go by, still haven't used a toilet since i started this adventure
>fast forward to 2013
>by now, I've discovered burning the shit is the best way to clear the hole of shit
>have to wait until parents and my younger brother, age 8, to work or store to burn
>odor is disgusting
>takes over 15 minutes to burn, stinks for up to 30 minutes after burning
>parents work 9-5 so i'm good
>so i think
>start a weekly shit burning schedule
>every Thursday, when my parents both work the longest I burn the shit
>use loads of gasoline
>it works well and it's quite fun
>estimated I burn about a gallon or so of shit every couple of weeks
>everything is going well
>mom calls me in kitchen
>dad is there, concerned look
word limit, cont.?
OP here, continuing the story.
>think they must be upset about my report card
>but it wasn't suppose to come in for a couple more weeks
>"anon, we need to talk"
>"fucking shit" i think (no pun intended)
>your father was walking in the backyard and...
>"oh fucking fuck fuck" i'm thinking,
>I FORGOT TO BURN THE SHIT
>"he was walking and he smelled a horrible smell"
>"uhh, what mom?"
>"anon, we need to know, what is going on?"
>"what do you mean what is going on? You haven't even told me what happened?"
>playing dumb must prevail
>it must, my parents can't know my hatred for toilets
>they study me for what seems like hours
>"anon, I'm going to come out and say it, there was a dug out hole, about 4 or 5 feet deep, full of poop."
>activate "wtf" face
>"It was covered by a piece of wood and some dirt. I need to know right now, anon, do you know anything about this."
>"mom, uh, wtf? why would I know what's going on with a bunch of poop in the backyard"
>"ANON who else is going to do it? Your brother is EIGHT, your dad isn't going to do something like that and I know I didn't do it, so-"
>"you sure about that mom?" I snicker
>HERE COMES THE BOOM
>take a slap right across the face.
>"anon go to your room right now"
>"but mom i didn't even do-"
cont. in next post
OP here, continuing the story.
(keep the bumps coming while I type)
>go to my room reluctantly, playing it off like I'm mad
>honestly scared af
>it's been about an hour in my room, alone, no phone (too young) or computer cause technology wasn't like it was today, when my dad walks in
>he has an embarrassed look on his face
>"anon", he says, "can i talk to you?"
>"uh, uh, sure dad" i say, obviously nervous
>"why are you so nervous buddy?"
>decide in that split second I must shoot myself in the foot rather than push my own shit back in
>"dad, i know you guys saw my report card and -"
>by the grace of god i must keep going
>"dad, i'm SORRY. I really am. Math just isn't my strong point.. neither is English! They just are so hard and don't make-
>"woah woah, woah anon, what are you saying? that's not what I'm here about."
>"and WHAT about your report card?"
>"dad i just-"
>"forgot it", he says, "we'll deal with it when it gets here. We got something more important on the table. it's about that, well... load of shit we, I, found in the backyard today. care to explain?"
>"dad, i honestly have no idea what you guys are talking about. Honest"
>we're a religious family, so my dad pulls it out
>being the young kid i am, about 12 or 13 at this time, i thought lying on the bible was a one way ticket to hell
>"put your hand on it, son"
>"or would you like to really explain what's going on?"
>fucking hell m8
>move my hand slowly from my body...
CONT. in next post
OP here, thank you for the bumps keep them up while I write, continuing the story:
>i force about half of my hand on the bible
>ready to bust out and confess
>it's either shit or hell
>"anon, put YOUR whole hand on the bible"
>my dad is stern af
>i'm freaking the fuck out inside, but maintain a calm expression outside
>learned this from too many times in the principles office
>dad is emotionless, waiting for me to bust,
>put full hand on bible
>"now say you SWEAR under God"
>"i swear" i say, firmly
>"UNDER GOD" he repeats harshly
>"i swear UNDER GOD that I have no idea what you guys are talking about with all this SHIT"
>"did you just swear in the lords name?"
>"ss--ss-s-sorry i d-d-d-d-didn't mean-"
>knocked on my back
>"DON'T YOU EVER let me hear you say something like that again"
>"o-o-ok dad, i'm sorry i'm sorry"
>dad looks at me again, walks out
>dodged a bullet like Bruce lee
>how the FUCK did i forgot to burn the shitter
>it's about 8 o'clock
>i have to piss
>go to piss in the sink this time, last time i peed in the shower
>we had a thick blue curtain on my shower to block seeing in
>walk in bathroom
>unzip pants and starting letting my golden stream flow into the waterless surface
>hear the water turn off
>try to stop the flow but the flow is too strong
>my fucking mother steps out of the shower
>no towel on
cont. in next post.. may be 5 or so minutes as i have to eat dinner with my fiancee right now. please please be patient!!
Bumpin for entertainment to my interests
Someone better be saving this shit
>better be saving this shit
>saving this shit
>cont. in next post.. may be 5 or so minutes as i have to eat dinner with my fiancee right now. please please be patient!!
So 2008 you're underage, 2013 you're burning shit in the backyard and getting grounded without phone or computer cause "technology not being what it is today" worrying about your report card and now 2 years later in 2015 you're sitting down to dinner with your fiancée.
Hurry up OP, I'm taking as shit as we speak, this story is perfect reading material
Hey OP, I have cooked us a lovely meal
it took me 5 hours of slow cooking to get this roast beef just how you like it.
I even made dessert, your favourite, lemon cheesecake, all made from scratch, I love you
>I'm just gonna eat it quick, important work,
>I'm telling a bunch of retarded fucks about my shitting habits
OP HERE, I'm back from dinner!
I was 12 or 13 back in 2008
no, two years ago i was 16. I'm 18 now with a fiancee, not married yet.
Hope that clears this shit up, anyway, I'm continuing the story next post.
wanna make this a ylyl thread while op is gone?
>OP didn't hear the shower running before he started pissing
this story is a load of shit
>has a mac
>thinks the jokes on me
Like I said, I'm back, heres the story continued:
>my dick is out, urinating into the sink
>the fucking sink
>"anon what the fuck are you doing"
>"MOM WHAT THE FUCK"
>turn around in a drastic measure to cover my urination
>golden locks of piss coming full force out of my penal hole onto my fucking mom
>shooting her in the chest, legs and feet
>can't stop the flow
>Mom is screaming at the top of her lungs
>"ANON WTF ARE YOU DOING STOP IT"
>you can't stop the flow, woman
>piss piss hurrah
>the flow finally dies out, trickling at her feet
>dad comes charging in
>"what the HELL is going on in here" he yells as he sees me with my dick out and my mom naked
>thinking about what he say makes me cringe to this day
>"dad, dad dad i can explain"
>"honey, it's okay. it's fine," my mom says, mortified as she tries cleaning the fucking piss off here body
>"go back into the living room, anon here just had a little problem"
>"what the fuck? he's nearly 17 years old and he can't fucking piss?"
>"honey, i'll tell you later"
>he walks out
>so fucking awkward
>"mom i didn't know i didn't know i was just trying to take a piss and i didn't-"
>"anon, stop. it's okay really. but... but were you peeing in the sink?"
>"what? i was uh i mean i was going to use the toilet but uh i was-"
>"anon, were you peeing in the sink or not"
>"mom, listen, all jokes aside and everything i was only pissing in the sink so you wouldn't hear me
>the look on here face was literally wut.jpeg
>"yeah mom, i heard you in the shower but really really had to go so i tried being quite as possible. i'm really sorry i freaked out and got all that over you it was an honest accident"
>realize i havent put my dick away
>zip it up and walk out
>my mom is literally just standing there, shocked
>the next day...
cont. in next post
This story is all retarded lies
the kid is in a time warp - he was 13 a second ago, now he is nearly fucking 17
Using loads of fuel for saving fuckin water.
You got that one wrong, OP.
Get back OP. We must see the glorious conclusion. WEW.
MOTHER FUCKER WHAT DID THEY DO ABOUT THE HUGE HOLE FULL OF SHIT
it is you who is full of shit, Im fucking out you lying cunt
>piss piss hurrah
God damn, OP
if your life was ruined how do you have a fiance cooking your dinner now?
>we all went outside to the shit hole
>all of us jumped in
>I started fingering my dads ass
>then started fingering my moms ass
> we all started fingering each other
>while eating my week old shit
>my dad fucked my ass
>I licked and fingered my mom
>we all came at the same time
>didn't want to waste any water
>tipped gas all over us and set it alight
>mfw I'm writing this from beyond the grave
>A) A cigarrette
>B) A bundle of sticks
>C) A massive fucking faggot
we don't know how big the garden was or how big the hole was. also after its burnt out, there was no smell (according to op) and it was covered. if you don't really suspect anything it's really easy to not see it. dumbass.
OP here, continuing the story...
>the next day
>see mom making practice
>doesn't say anything
>dad's in living room
>walk by him, trying to investigate if he knows
>he sees me, "good morning anon"
>"uh, ha, good morning dad" i fake a smile
>go into kitchen and sit down
>mom puts a plate of pancakes in front of me
>"m-mom did you-"
>"no honey, it's ok. he doesn't know" she whispers, careful not to let my dad know we're talking about it
>gobble up breakfast, fast af
>depart outside to just go on a walk
>paranoid mom is going to spill the beans to my dad, but she actually never does
>afternoon comes by, i hit up the house again
>i don't have a car because my parents don't want me to have one
>it's ok we live in town anyway
>gotta go pee
>this time i LOCK the door
>i've been doing this it seems like all my life, but it's a fucking rush every time i hit up the sink or shower
>hit the shower this time
>golden locks of urine flow from my penal hole
>zip up and go outside
>normal day, normal week, normal month
>then it happens
>it was august, i believe
>a hot, sticky day
>lots of water being distributed by my family
>we're outside enjoying the summer sun
>i probably downed over a gallon of water in less than an hour, it was humid af
>gotta hit the bathroom
>feels real good letting out the golden gates of god into the sink today
>something feels extra good about it, just the summer feeling and the freedom of pissing in a sink
>mind you, i've stopped shitting in the hole i dug out ever since my parents found it. so ive been using the toilet partially.. but you don't shit as much as you piss
>realize i'm a 17-year old pissing in the sink
>shit don't bother me anyway
>go out and look for a job
>finally hired as a pizza man at Domino's
>i'm the delivery man
>i finally get to drive (i had my license just not a car)
>feels great delivering pizza's home to home
cont. in next post
>browsing /b/ in 07/08
confirmed for ex-underage
>one day got called to deliver a pizza
>went over, had to pee cause i drank so much the night before
>ask hot girl who ordered pizza can i use her bathroom
>her bathroom smells so good, stole a used tampon of hers
>link it clean and suck on it, she smell and taste good too
>i pee in her sink, half way though my peeing she walks in naked.
>she gave a wtf face
>her roomie called the cops and i got arrested
OP here, possible the conclusion if i can fit it:
>occasionally i get a special instruction, such as "leave by the porch, money in mailbox"
>one day i get a weird instruction
>the order came from an online customer
>she/he wrote "please have the delivery man try to be weird as possible"
>the manager gets involved
>we decide it must be a guy pulling a prank on his friend, and my manager is chill, so we let it go through
>i hope in the dominos truck and go to the location provided
>it goes from real nice, to real shitty, really fast
>entered the hood area
>well fuck, but gotta go through with it, we promised
>get to the address
>it's a weird house, looks like a two or three bedroom with probably only one bathroom. not big at all
>suddenly get the shits
>deliver the pizza, holding the shit in
>i'm now acting weird as fuck because im trying to not to shit my pants
>guy is freaked out
>spill the beans, ask him if i can use the bathroom
>he's even more weirded out
>hear laughter in the background
>oh, so it was a prank
>still have to use the shitter
>he says "ok i guess"
>hit up the bathroom
>realize i need to leave my mark on these kids
>fuck the toilet
>fuck the shower
>it's sink time
>pull down my pants and take the biggest shit of my life in their fucking sink
>the brown goo fucking shot out of my asshole into the sink
>a piece of art really
>wipe my ass and put the toilet paper on top of the shit
>my work here is done
>as i walk out, and prepare to get paid, i see one of the guys go into the bathroom
>get my payment in record time, "no tip it's fine" and basically run out of the house
>left the door open, as i hop in the car i hear "what the FUCK?"
>the next day
>i get fired
>saw that coming, think about it and it was somewhat worth it
>fast forward about a month, no job anymore and still no car
>my parents are in the living room, i'm in my room doing something i forgot what
couldn't fit, conclusion in next post