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This is a story about love lost, and gained. About someone I'll never forget, and about the collapse of my life It's going to be quite long, but I guess that's okay.
Let's start at the beginning. To get some perspective, you need to know about my upbringing.
>Be 1991 >parents been together for two years >Dad's a raging alcoholic >Mom's obsessed with him and can change him >In one year after being born, rushed to the emergency room 3 times for swallowing broken glass (from whiskey handle) Also had a seizure. Doctors now think that was from trauma.
>Never went to pre-school so I never actually learned what I needed to. Got to elementary school, and was made fun of for not knowing enough >anon you're stupid ect >3rd grade >excema all over skin Things at home have gotten worse. Dad throws mom into the wall, and tells me I have a pretty ass. Everyone at school thinks I'm annoying. One girl one day even put glass in my waterbottle on the playground
>get into superintendent's wife's class. Have undiagnosed severe adhd. >I struggle to focus one day, so she makes me sit outside and do my classwork >110F Heat because the south >Tell my mom who tells me to be good >Eventually start failing out of 3rd and 4th grade >Get psychological evaluation >Severe ADHD, OCD, Anxiety disorder, Clinical Depression >Go to a doctor to get on some medication for ADHD >Not working >up dosage >not working >up dosage >by 5th grade my liver is nearly at the point of failure because I'm over an adult dosage of conserta >Incredibly thin. Most girls my age have some sort of developed breasts now, I have nothing. (Also think it's the reason I'm infertile/never had a period now, at 23) >All the while "anon you're annoying" >Tell my counselor it's easier to sit inside on neopets, than make friends >Bring friends over, and either go to my room and they get bored and want to go home, or scare them off by being awkward
>be in 5th grade >babysitter comes over for me and my brothers
>>610589027 >First few times things go normal, kid cuzines, Homework, bed >3rd time, babysitter wants to cuddle >Little weird but whatever guy >Cuddle with him >He reaches his hand into my panties >Crawls over on me >"don't move" >proceed to scream >Elbows my jaw >Lay there whimpering as he eats me out
>This happens a couple more times before I get the courage to tell my parents, who get rid of him, and we get a new babysitter who's better
>Now have severe anxiety >Have to listen to a cd of white noise to go to sleep. Deathly fear of tornadoes and storms >Still not a single friend >Cry every night hoping someone will come to my aid >Start hanging out with my cousin a lot more, She's a lot older >takes me to ice cream shops every wednesday >Picks me up from school >Parents still flight all the time, but she's there for me >we play donkey kong on her n64, she's really sweet, and gives me all of her old clothes, talks to me about boys, ect >I remember one time we watched Titanic on vcr, four fucking tapes. (Or was it three, I don't remember) >Life is actually looking up despite home situation >Parents get me better medical treatment, go to posh private christian middle school, Start to heal, and get better. > Go on family vacation where dad molests me entire trip >Mom says "consider the source" >Tell cousin one day, who hugs me, and tells me its really hard and she's so sorry she cant do more >Gives me a really nice ceramic horse caurosel that makes music > Education makes things easier
>>610589081 >Molestation gets worse >Dad sinks back into alchoholism >We're not allowed to ride in the car with him anymore >be 6th grade and while I'm enjoying school, dad can't afford to give up any bank from his 2 lexus sports cars, or our 2,000 sq foot house to pay for my school or save for my college >Goes on temper tantrums where he destroys everything in the house >go to my cousin's house when things get bad > We paint, draw, color, sketch and do all sorts of artistic things > She's fucking amazing. She's a mural artist and does paintings on buildings > Meets guy and gushes to me about him >Excited for her hope I'll find my someone some day >Two years later 8th grade about to finish middle school >She marries him, and tells me she's going on a trip and she'll be back >Her parents don't know she's married him >"Don't tell will you?" >No >I've told her all sorts of shit about my dad and family she's not told anyone
>at school playing basketball tournament >Mom comes in sobbing >Walks over to me, an emotional wreck >"Lauren, Nicole has died. >Braindead >My life was never the same after that She died at 20, and was the only thing keeping me up. I'm now 23.
>Moving my stuff out for college last semester >went through my things, >stuffed behind my dresser I found this
Why can't I just move on. There's more cycles to what's happened to get me where I am now, but god dammit Nicole. I miss you. You were my best friend.
>>610592103 killing myself on the 29th, it's my birthday that day and it just feels right to end my life on that day. i don't know why i'm typing this, but anyways, i guess i just wanted to let you know that life doesn't have to be black and white; there's a lot more to it than what you see on the tv or on the internet. life is about experiencing things, like sad things or beautiful things. that's what makes life "magical". don't forget that this is a one-way trip, buddy. enjoy it while it lasts
Im just a failed human being,I dropped out of school because my depression hit in and im now trying to redo it even though its fucking impossible but i need to do it otherwise my family wont get money and theyll need to kick me out,im on the highest dosage of my medication for a few months now and all they do is make me feel nothing instead of constant pain and sadness,I just dont know what to do,I was crying the whole time on the school wc and then went home after one hour,I feel really awkward writing this because im fucking bad at any social interaction.I dont want to die,im way too afraid of deat itself,I just want it to get better.
>>610593147 >Highschool is hell >Dad's gotten way worse >We're incredibly poor and both cars been reposessed >Girls in class draw picture of me, with big red spots on my arms where I twist my skin when I get nervous >Sit in bathroom and eat lunch >get called "biggest freak of class of 2010 by yearbook dept kids >holes poked in ramen so it boils and leaves blisters on the bottoms of my feet when I fill it with hot water at lunch >Just hell not a single friend >Still being touched at home, and still being molested >no one to go to >Live with my grandmother for a spell because my dad's gone fucking nuts >she's a conservatard who's house smells like moth balls, and is full of hoarder-tier amounts of shit >Try to kill myself one day by hanging from closet pole >Break it >Find out later mom knew it happened and didn't say anything >Tell myself I will kill myself if My life doesn't get better when I get to college
>>610593539 I can tell you right now, from personal experience, it does not get better. Life is hard. It's that simple. This doesn't mean you can't do things to make it easier. Being an adult means learning to deal with what life throws at you, whatever it may be. You want things to get better? Then stop wishing for things to be better, make it better.
>>610593669 >Get to college, it's great, Working full time to pay for it, but making friends >Friends all leave/move on >go to a proper uni with all my savings >things are looking up >going to have to take out a loan but w/e >Meet him
>Gorgeous 6'7" irishman Long black curly hair, bright green eyes, pale skin, gorgeous eyes. >meet in robotics class >Fall in love >He's the second guy I ever had sex with (And the only other guy i've ever had sex with) >Second date he literally says: "I hate it when girls pretend not to fart, poop, or burp. We're all humans"
>Thisguy'sakeeper.jpg >I remember the first time he touched me, and I flinched, remembering the times my dad hit me, he grabbed my ass and I remembered my dad doing it >Over time, memories fade, and he comes to know the truth about where I come from and my past >Loves me anyway. No idea why >Loves all my flaws, Loves my big nose, my odd shaped boobs, my tiny fingers, my personality, my creative urges at 2am (I made leather costume armor for commission) With him, I honestly felt my life had gone that direction I never thought it would
>be together for quite some time >He abruptly moves to ireland to be with his grandmother >"oh..Ok anon, but we can still be together, right?" >"Of course, I love you"
>>610593762 i got nothing left in me, buddy. well, except for a whole lotta regret and crippling sadness... heh. don't you go worrying about some random nobody you won't even remember this time tomorrow
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