Sup /b, I'm a victim of chemical lobotomy via antipsychotics and I'm going to kill myself in 3 hours. Ask me anything.
Your brains are precious to our collective intelligence
Do not make this decision lightly
You can still serve a purpose a purpose and process pleasure hopefully
I was never like that, never will be like that. Besides I got nothing to spend money on besides food. Have no desire for anything else.
My parents did this to me, I don't know why. Had a perfectly normal life, just got a degree in economics, already had some work experience. They did this twice in fact.
I'll hang myself.
Maybe I will.
I can't serve a purpose now, I barely function, my life is hell from the moment I wake up till I fall asleep. Even when I sleep every nights I have vivid dreams of my past, my friends, everything that I've lost.
I'll stay here till the thread goes OP, what shall we talk about?
Have you tried stop taking meds? You will get some bad withdrawal symptoms(doctors saying SSRIs dont have withdrawal symptoms is just stupud/lie) but if you get hrough it and dont start taking the pills again it should make life better(even though I am sure they do some long term damage, but I believe in some years time the brain can restructure itself again)
there's no ctrl+z in death man... Maybe you can find pleasure in minor drugs, or anime, or bitches... You're fucked up, use it man... Don´t kill yourself in one shoot, or jumping whatevah do drugs
Not neccessary to kill yourself. Just take some 5HTP/L-Tyrosine/Mucuna Pruriens to restore your neurotransmitters, wait 1 or 2 years and you will most likely be fine again. The brain is pretty good at repairing itself as long as there is no physical damage
Everything I'm reading online about this is tin-foil hat conspiracy theory level crap. Especially the sites talking about SSRIs instead of anti-psychotics. It's probably bullshit and OP is just trying to find an excuse for being a social reject.
I've stopped but the damage is done.
I don't know anon, I've lost interest in everything. We can talk about music a bit. I loved Frank Ocean's and Weeknd's voice a lot, used to cry with joy while listening. After the meds it's all gone though.
Of course. I nearly killed myself after the first time they put me on it, though I kept pushing through and survived. It was not the same, but life was ok. Now it's all over again and I won't make it this time. I'm fully impotent now, my tessticles have shrunk, I have liver damage, circulation problems and what not, it's not just the brain.
Drugs don't work the way they did. I used to love weed magic, now I barely get any effects from it, not worth living.
It is, trust me. I was not the most emotional person prior to this, now I'm a zombie. It affects people differently, some are sensetive to this stuff, some are not.
No, not Jamie, sorry.
why do you think that death will make it end?
No, don't do it. I know that this is hard for you but you have to be fucking strong don't let this dickheads enjoy and don't let them win. You have to show them that you are not weak. You are a precious human being. You can forget this what happened get a job and you will get some money and you can invest it . Live your life go out find some friends and a girlfriend . Maybe it's hard but try it. Give it a shot. Don't give up.
yeah, okay. if you were going to kill yourself you wouldnt be here begging for attention.
it doesnt add up that you say you're a zombie, but still care enough to start a shit thread about "suiciding"
you're not going to suicide you retard, attention whore.
First time it was Risperidone, now it was Haldol.
Well not really. Your perception changes each time. I was able to recover to a degree after one year off, although the sexual side effects never really went away. This time I have horrendous physical side effects too.
I don't have a job anon, also alcohol doesn't affect me anymore.
Can't have fun no matter what I do. I used to think like you too prior to the meds, but now I just don't care enough.
You've got a solid taste in music anon, music really keeps me going through most days, see im only 18 and i suffer from bipolar disorder and long term depression, never had many friends so music was really my own companion, got any music recommendations for me and any advice?
Actually this makes sense. I know pathological apathy to the point of feeling dead inside (schizoid personality disorder). In such times, I somehow functioned best. Like the proverbial robot. If you're not driven by emotion you are also not inhabited by any.
In Arabic they say
على هذه الأرض ما يستحق الحياة
Translation: There is on this earth what is worth living for.
So don't do it OP.
Also I don't care if you're baitin' just sayin' what would I say if this is real
>solid taste in music
fuck off kid
You can either kill yourself or become entirely selfless and devote your life to others.
Either way, your life isn't your own anymore, OP.
I wish I could sway you, but honestly, I know that your life is a living hell and that nothing can really make your life better, least of all some words of pity.
If you decide to kill yourself, make no room for error. Also, leave no mess. make sure you tie up all loose ends with your relationships, leave no one hanging.
Take some solace that at least you'll be spared a life that wasn't worth living.
Play some music, lay down, and try to think of the good times, OP.
Get a bit excited.
You're gonna find out the answer to the question everyone has.
Op, are you aware that the brain is an hour rgan that continuously adapts to new experiences. Its not like psychopharmaceutical drugs would have the potential to actually destroy mental capacities for good. They bring you into a different mindset in which it may seem that they are lost, but this is similarly false to saying you lost the ability to see red just because you are staring at a green wall for hours.
The feeling that a mental capacity is gone for good is probably just the result of your brain not being able to evoke feels the way it used to. I emphasize THE WAY IT USED TO.
I actually have a cognitive science degree and know apathy from my own personality disorder, so I kinda know about the relevant science here.
You don't just get a chemical labotomy for nothing. Are you violently schizophrenic? People who are committed who don't know why they were committed are usually clinically insane.
I spent three days in a psych ward after self admitting because of anxiety. The people ranged from normal appearing like me, to violently insane, to sitting in a chair all day with their tongue hanging out.
Either way, if you're going to off yourself, at least put some long hard thought into it. Apparently everyone regrets the decision only after they're passed the point of no return (like when they're already falling through the air after jumping off the bridge).
Now, OP. When you say lobotomy via antipsychotics, waht do you mean ?
Surely you don't mean you Risperidone and Haloperidol. Because that would be ridiculous. And i would have no other choie but to think that this is all about you being 22 and well, psychotic.
So, tell me, what is this lobotomy via antipsychotics you are talking about ? how is it a lobotomy ? Did it affect your frontal lobes ?
And how did your parents do this to you ?
How did they force you ?
before u die and be forgotten 2 years after ur death, why not do something were u gonna be remembered like go kill dumb celebrities or be the first man to try to strangle the president with ur own intestins, or maybe go run naked into the white house yard and shit ?
By Philip Larkin
I work all day, and get half-drunk at night.
Waking at four to soundless dark, I stare.
In time the curtain-edges will grow light.
Till then I see what’s really always there:
Unresting death, a whole day nearer now,
Making all thought impossible but how
And where and when I shall myself die.
Arid interrogation: yet the dread
Of dying, and being dead,
Flashes afresh to hold and horrify.
The mind blanks at the glare. Not in remorse
—The good not done, the love not given, time
Torn off unused—nor wretchedly because
An only life can take so long to climb
Clear of its wrong beginnings, and may never;
But at the total emptiness for ever,
The sure extinction that we travel to
And shall be lost in always. Not to be here,
Not to be anywhere,
And soon; nothing more terrible, nothing more true.
This is a special way of being afraid
No trick dispels. Religion used to try,
That vast moth-eaten musical brocade
Created to pretend we never die,
And specious stuff that says No rational being
Can fear a thing it will not feel, not seeing
That this is what we fear—no sight, no sound,
No touch or taste or smell, nothing to think with,
Nothing to love or link with,
The anaesthetic from which none come round.
And so it stays just on the edge of vision,
A small unfocused blur, a standing chill
That slows each impulse down to indecision.
Most things may never happen: this one will,
And realisation of it rages out
In furnace-fear when we are caught without
People or drink. Courage is no good:
It means not scaring others. Being brave
Lets no one off the grave.
Death is no different whined at than withstood.
Slowly light strengthens, and the room takes shape.
It stands plain as a wardrobe, what we know,
Have always known, know that we can’t escape,
Yet can’t accept. One side will have to go.
Meanwhile telephones crouch, getting ready to ring
In locked-up offices, and all the uncaring
Intricate rented world begins to rouse.
The sky is white as clay, with no sun.
Work has to be done.
Postmen like doctors go from house to house.
Explain how your parents put you on the drugs, did they involve the cops in the situation? Did you get violent or break anything? Were you hospitalized or diagnosed with some mental disorder give more details.
psychotics on anti-psychotics is a very good thing
psychotics off their meds ain't purty
side effects can be bad, but there are so many choices for the doctor and pharmacists to make, if you work with them, you can eventually find the right medication, combination of drugs or a drug cocktail that can mitigate some of the bad side effects from the main brew
or would you rather just be locked up in a padded cell with vicious or uncaring orderlies who might sexually violate you ?
there was a time--oh not so very long ago--when the 'experts' would have resorted to real lobotomies or dunk tanks
count your fucking blessings, you poser
OP is probably just schizophrenic, with emotional numbness.
the meds actually made him more lucid, and now he is seeing how shitty his life is, but is delusioningly mistaking his opened eyes as some "lobotomy" effect.
people cope however they can with reality, and OP's crazyness just made up a lobotomy.
This seems like an appropriate / likely analysis, he never outright denied anything of that kind I think.
People should respond to him based on that possibility, well, many already did it seems.
>First time it was Risperidone, now it was Haldol.
Both pretty heavy drugs. What's your diagnosis? Schizophrenia?
If you just stopped taking them without slowly reducing the dose, that could cause rebound symptoms.
better yet, give me your address and i'll email you a pair of chopsticks from the local chinese dive and you can lobotomize yerself and make it for realzies
Come on OP give the details or no one can help you.
First time Risperidone, second time Haldol.
I've just got a Finance degree, used to have great motivation to make it in the corporate world, live with my girlfriend, continue to expand my vinyl collection. Just to enjoy life like I used to at least. Not to feel the suffering every day.
But I am weak now anon. No prospects for a girlfriend as I'm impotent now. Can't even have a decent job as I have a cognitive impairment and memory issues now.
I am, I just wanted to talk to someone before going, as my family doesn't give a fuck and I won't discuss it with my friends. Talking is p much all that's left for me in this life.
Peace is nothing when world feels empty for you. True peace for me is death now.
Yeah, I know what you mean. Music was something what kept me going too. Had the ability to find some tracks that brought up deep emotions. Could recommend Arcade Fire, Drake's Nothing Was The Same, check out Metro Zu's Pantheon and Wave Cap tracks, Pictureplane's Cyclical Cyclical and Trance Doll. I'm sure you'll find good music if you search through the albums which are full of mediocre stuff.
Can't fuck cos impotent, drugs and booze do nothing for me now, I can't feel taste too.
Typing is something that's left of me.
I'm not sad. I want to feel sad and pissed but I can't.
I just don't care now, I barely walk, I don't work so I have no capacity for suing. Probably my death will be something they will feel bad about, but I don't even care about it either.
>You're gonna find out the answer to the question everyone has
Yeah, that keeps me up a bit. Thank you anon.
I'm no longer on drugs. Jumping is messy, hanging is more peaceful.
Yet brain size isn't actually correlated with mental functionality, nor is the science anywhere near done as to how permanent these changes are (given the right circumstances later)
I was dosed against my will with 40mg of abilfy before they knew it was detremental for people under the age of 18. I sued the inpatient rehab place I went to for an 800k settlement. You probably have claims don't kill yourself.
>caveman stuff from the feudal era
try the 1950s and 1960s, history boy
and still going on in wayward places in east asia and 3rd world shitholes
lobotomies were still being done within the borders of the USSR when it came undone in the 1980s
Dude , dude, dude please, postpone it for one day. Go and get some magic mushrooms also known as shrooms. Eat about 3 - 4 portions because I said so. Just do this, you've got nothing more to lose so trust me on this one buddy. If something worth mentioning happens, I expect to see a thread here about it.
he didn't say he's taking ssris. he's taking risperidone and haloperidol.
maybe that's the problem. people doesn't even know what they are taking, then they start to think they were lobotomized.
I live in my own place, I get 1 pound of weed mailed to me from the Government every month and I never have to work again. Why do you think I spend all day on /b/, it's fantastic.
Already wrote a note telling them I can't live after what they've done to me.
Yeah, I know, Ive researched neuroplasticity and all that stuff after being on Risperal the first time. mental capacity in fact comes back to a degree, but it is never the same that it used to be, same with emotions and motivation. It was tolerable after the first time, after the second time it's really not. Also hormonal changes, liver damage and impotence is something that won't go away, and I had little empathy left after the first time. After the second time the damage is just too much.
I know the sciences related to psychiatry, including neuroscience. There's a reason the field has the reputation to make overly bold claims with little more than colorful pictures of the brain backing it up, using technology that has been proven to register neural activity in dead fish.
Them feels anon. I just got off olanzapine 2 months ago after more than 1 year on it, I can definitely empathize that they do mess with you and it's not like living. But it's been 2 months and things are looking better, hang on anon. Hopefully things will get better.
Not sure, it's definitely a case by case thing. I would recommend finding a good reputable lawyer and asking him all your questions. Keep in mind though I had to ask my parents to mortgage their home for financial help to get the lawyer fees, shits expensive but if you seriously think you have a case go for it.
I actually wish you wouldn't do it anon, it makes me sad. But what you say here you're going through sounds indeed horrible. I've been suicidal before for less reason.
I just wish you could use your last energy to maybe do something good before you go out. Maybe take all you belongings and give them to some homeless kid or something. Your scumbag parents will just sell your shit and keep the money. Please, try to do something good before you go out, don't just go.
>Already wrote a note telling them I can't live after what they've done to me.
what ? they sliped some risperidone in your Cap'n Crunch ?
you are full of shit, op. if you were commited, it's because you were acting crazy. and if you are crazy, you were medicated. but those meds you cited doesn't cause lobotomy. this isn't One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. you weren't electroshocked.
you're either delusional or watching too many movies. probably both.
See? See how he is? I don't want to live like that. It's shallow existence, not living.
Now I'm not. Basically it was for stuff like staying at my friends for 2 days and not telling parents. They've always been overprotective as hell.
You would know only if you took those drugs. It affects the whole brain and body, not just the frontal lobes.
Have to wait till my parents go to sleep.
Have no motivation for that. I don't feel like that would be funny or awesome anymore.
borderline personality disorder sufferer here
one of the worst things about having a disorder that heightens your emotional responses (both the good and bad) is feeling sterile when they medicate you. When you're used to such an exteme amount of up/down, everything just fades to gray. It's definitely jarring. The best way I can compare it is like, when you try to edge yourself while fapping and cum too early on accident and it's really disappointing- that's how everything you used to enjoy feels, every time. It's hard to believe that has to be your new standard.
I decided against medicating because I prefer the extremes, and I can manage keeping the bad moods under control (some psychotics cannot though) and it's good that way. You really have to ask if you are better off feeling everything but being more dangerous to yourself and others.
I assume the reason you've been on two antipsychotics apparently forcefully is because your symptoms were severe. And that's no way to live, either, really. Not for you, not for the people who have to deal with you. You're being awfully silent about why you're in this position in the first place. I find it hard to believe it just happened one day, like an accident, especially because you're still young.
you will be remembered on /b/ for at least a few months if you stream your suicide on tinychat
just like that guy the murdered a kids mom while he was at school and let him find her naked
In my country they can lock you up if you are a danger to yourself. Apparently my parents thought that staying at my friend's for 2 days or not eating as much as they would like me to is a good reason. I tried to fight when they were taking me so they deemed me psychotic.
I was never psychotic or mentally ill in the first place.
Buy some chocolate croissants.
That would be poserish s hell.
No, I never was diagnosed with anything, in my country they just drug you to death once you're in a mental hospital, no matter what you say.
I'm currently about half way through a book called "Bad Pharma" by (Dr) Ben Goldacre and I have to agree. It's scary. Also must be worse in the US, where pharmaceutical companies can advertise directly to the public. That's not allowed here (UK).
Don't do it please!! . Whatever u are going through might be hard but things change quickly, have you tried just laying off them for a long period of time and effects might start going away. BUt stay postive , look afteryourself and Don't give up lbro
Schizoid personality disorder here.
I'd like to add that total apathy can be awesome in its own way. Often you just feel nothing because you stopped caring about the external world around you, but when you successfully withdraw into your own fantasy for long enough you can use it to somehow apply your own personal background music to the emptiness that is your outwards existence.
I can't strictly say that this apathy due to extreme introversion is all that similar to being emotionally stunted with medication, but I'd like to add this viewpoint nonetheless.
i did took it !
both of them. now i'm taking Quetiapine. I work out, eat right, play jazz piano, wake up early and go to work, read books, talk to people, etc.
the difference between you and me, OP, is that, instead of let my delusions get the best of me, i decided to understand my condition.
Whenever something feels like a delusion i question it. I was trained to do this by cognitive behavioral therapy. It is a process similar to the socratic method. You inform yourself, question yourself, and exhaust possibilities.
That way, if i feel, let's say, that i'm lobotomized, i'll think "hey, maybe this is crazy and stupid". Then i'll research it, test it, ask experts (not /b/). This way, I'll won't end up here talking crazy about killing myself like a little faggot, with a bunch of morons newfags who can't tell the difference between an atidepressant from an antipsychotic.
Did you browse for new music and video games tho? Can you really not enjoy anything anymore? There must be SOMETHING!
I wouldn't do it OP. At least you could still vegetate and observe the world, maybe getting high on even stronger drugs and travel around like a hobo.
Pharma jew pills damage and shrink your brain and give you new symptoms that are way worse than you petty anxiety or depression you had in the first place. Doctors will just give you even more pills to cover up the symptoms created by the medication in the first place, which will make your life even more miserable as you get more and more pills, damaging the brain even more and creating more symptoms.
>No, I never was diagnosed with anything
That's disgusting. OK, sometimes it's important to treat symptoms first, but to have no diagnosis while being given some serious drugs is not acceptable. Your doctors should be ashamed.
I would suggest telling them that before doing anything else.
Rock on, dude. Way to own your reality like that. I appreciate your viewpoints for sure...
I often say to myself that I'd rather be having the worst day of my life than be bored and numb, because at least it'd be feeling something, but maybe that's just a product of my disorder being my status quo. I probably could get behind that kinda existence if I got in the right mindset. Thanks. Keep on keepin' on, bro.
Make the decision to never lie to yourself and fight against self-deception at all cost, and you might turn into something more like a typical schizoid. That's not such a bad existence at all.
Ok op, it's fair if you feel that way. The psychotropic pills doctors prescribed fucked me up too. I used to have an imagination, I used to laugh. Now, I'm a husk. I feel numb a lot. I was put on them for the longest time after my brother an hero. It was rough.. I turned to more drugs and alcohol that I could handle, and wound up overdosing on the floor in my grandmas home. Death isn't a question. Its just dark. No feeling. No emotion. Just dark. Almost like sleep. Luckily my grandfather revived me. I can tell you now that my life has gotten better. I've married and have twins on the way. I struggle to this day to emotionally adapt to situations. That's because my brain is fried. Life can get better op. I can't change your mind tho. Good luck op
The UK sounds WAYYYY better. They can't advertise there? That's crazy.. They advertise it on TV here, it's typically just happy being being happy while they list the horrendous side effects that could happen. "Oh you could go insane, want to kill yourself even more, get cancer, have your heart stop, have an aneurism," etc etc.
It's fucked up. I'm from Canada and we actually have rights here, but when I was in the U.S. (as a kid in boarding school) they were pumping me with all kinds of medications before they had any idea what they were doing. All because I was depressed, I didn't get a choice.
It's been 3 years since that and I still feel the psychological damages: loss of memory, emotional disconnection, changed smile, it's so shit. I honestly wouldn't wish that kind of fate upon anyone.
I just wish I could make this sound at least somewhat convincing for OP to try...
I'd like to add a quote from another schizoid friend of mine that captures our philosophy regarding how much to feel is best really well: "I have a small heart, but this allows me to appreciate the few things for which there is actually space that much more"
It's people just trying to be ugly, this is the internet after all.
We all feel like emotionless husks all the time, stop being a fucking baby about it.
Oh boo hoo I can't feel feelings, fucking deal with it.
Man I've already tried LSD and mushrooms, I just don't get the psychic effects like I used to. I know what you are talking about.
No, don't care enough.
I was first medicated with Risperdal in 2013, then with Haldol in 2015.
Well sex was something I enjoyed, it's hard to lose it.
Was not going to an hero the last time. Now I am.
I won't write the whole story here cos of time, in a few words I never was too emotional in the first place, never got into any fights, never threatened anyone, never had manic episodes or behaved in a lunatic way, but apparently they can drug you up even if you are peaceful and not a danger to others or yourself.
>I work out, eat right, play jazz piano, wake up early and go to work, read books, talk to people
Man, you're full of shit OR you just really need the meds. How long have you been on Haldol and Risperdal? For me it was 2 + 2 months of injections. You wouldn't be able to do all those things if you were on them for anything close to my time on em.
Alright, OP, time to open your ears up and listen.
First off, if you're gonna ignore everything else I say and kill yourself anyway, then at least take this to heart: do yourself a favor, put the noose away and kill yourself by drowning. You don't deserve to die unpleasantly, and from what I hear drowning is actually pretty pleasant once you let the water into your lungs.
With that said, don't kill yourself. If you can still feel pleasure, don't do it. Contact the fucking police. Get your folks arrested on cruel and unusual punishment/abuse charges, and the state will probably help you get medical treatment to repair the damages made.
In the meantime, start jogging or doing some other form of exercise. It will make your body generate its own dopamine, and you will feel better.
>Well sex was something I enjoyed, it's hard to lose it
You don't make it sound very essential to your life. Was there anything about it why you think it's impossible to go without? If it's only enjoyment, then there are other sources.
They can't medicate you against your will if you're an adult and you haven't committed any crimes, or are in the hospital/psych ward, I'm pretty sure.
So tell your doctor the effects aren't working for you and you'd rather unmedicate. They have to comply. Bodily autonomy is a right to nearly all human beings, even criminals.
I'm not sure why you don't put the effort towards fixing your problem long term and instead complain to /b/. It seems very simple to fix. Your brain won't stay fucked up forever, calling it a lobotomy is 4edge5me. Eventually you will reregulate.
if you hang yourself correctly under your jaw you can intentionally block the jugular with force and no asphyxiation and pass out within 20 seconds. painless. just don't suspend hang
i was on haldol for a couple of months. i wasn't good for me not because of the effects per se, but because of the side effects - my head would start to turn involuntarily, so i had to take a anti-allergic medication that would work as a parkinson medication as well. that worked, but me physician decided to change to risperidone. But, other than that, functioning perfectly.
Much better. No side effects for a while, but then i started to eat a lot. My doctor tried some other medications like olanzapine and clozapine, until i eventually sttled with quetiapine.
it is all about testing and find out what's better for you. just because one medication is not the best, doesn't mean you have to kill yourself or declare yourself forever destroyed.
>from what I hear drowning is actually pretty pleasant once you let the water into your lungs
cause people who have actually drowned live to tell others about the experience
A decent point. OP should listen to this. Your life may be terrible, but at least there are still known parameters.
Some part of you is terrified because you feel like you've lost your soul, your mind, your personality - but at least there's still some part of you to be afraid, to have the desire for death. Death will rend utterly everything from you. Death may be a tempest from which there is no escape. Think on that.
Ok time to go for me. I won't stream cos I don't want to leave my personal data unlocked for my parents. Here's a photo of me before and after the meds, someone asked for it. You are the last people to see me alive. Goodbye friends, have a nice life!
Several thousands of people.
Actually, that's precisely what happened. People have drowned and been saved with CPR, and other methods before the advent of CPR (which was alarmingly recent, actually). You don't just suddenly die because your lungs got wet.
Don't fucking do it op. We all have shit in our lives but don't give up man, if you do it what is stopping me, huh ? Talk to me op and we migth be Abel to work it out or some shit.....just please don't
I have lost a friend that killed himself and the pain is worse than you could ever imagne. Think about it man, your friends and familie will constantly think about you and somehow make it their fault even tho you say it's not...don't make anyone go trough the same shit i did
Yo just close all your social accounts and delete all that porn and pictures you saved from 4chan. Then stream. I don't see why you would be concerned about personal data after death.
No homo but you're a good looking fella. Hope you're still here to read this.
OP i'm 22 and i'm schyzoprenic and bipolar since my twenty and I've taken shitloads of antipsychotics pills and injections, olanzapine risperidone abilify xeplion seroquel and finally clozapine, along with multiple asylum vacations when I had psychosis.. now i'm still on antipsychotics antidepressors anxiolytics and hypnotics but I don't take them, if you stop taking them your brain will return to normal bro
Oh look, an OP that didn't deliver. That's a new one.
Everyone else: Either OP is kill, or has left the thread. Either way, he isn't here. Stop asking for a stream, you're wasting your time. Sage.
The fuck OP, this all over again.
I knew someone who had mental problems (massive depressions n shit) got on meds felt better it seemed, life went better but he still didn't feel "good enough to live"
so he hang himself.
That was 2-3 years ago his friends and family are still a big fucking mess.
The everlasting "what if i did this with him, what if I said that to him, what if, what if...." is what still haunts them to this day.
He hang himself. No idea if he was/is happy with his decision.
But the hearts he broke are still in dissaray, broken, mourning and won't heal for a long time.
I feel sorry for you and sorry for your family by what has been done to you and what you will do to them.
Godspeed in whatever you decide but just give them a proper fucking goodbye at least.