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>Real Plague Doctor here >Have thou tried my newly concocted bone serum? >Cures boils, warts, witches, and the plague! >(Unlike name do not take with or for anything related to bone) >Side effects may include: >temporary increase in fever >mass diarrhea >projectile vomiting (if this occurs soon after, buy another serum) >increased boil size >flaked skin >small seizures >minor throat decay >Can be taken orally or rectally! >WARNING do not inhale or allow into the eyes >Only 10 gold, should be able to afford it fine unless you're a peasant. >Side note, if used improperly or too late, may result in death.
Greetings from medieval Japan Tomodachis > It is I, ye Olde Ken-sama come to teach you the ways of the noble Samurai > Blacksmith! Your steel folding is a dismal failure, though I would expect nothing more from a filthy gaijin, allow me instead to teach you to fold steel over one thousande times. > Your longswords are no match for the Katana, the noblest of swords next to the Hanjo blade > Truly we have much to teach one another, Wish me luck!
>Be me >Plague Doctor >Cut out the birthing canal of a women earlier >Told her it was called "bloodletting" >Child in wheelbarrow enters my office pushed by their father >"What ales you my child?" >"me legs sir, they dun't work sir" >ihaveanidea.parchment >Tell the father "THE WORK OF A SCIENTIST MUST BE EARNED, MIRACLES ARE NOT GIVEN" >The father hands me thrupence and a shilling >Fucking peasants >I ask the Father to leave, he does so >Grind the birthing canal into paste, mix in with plague victim blood, pour into a vial, all cold >"MY CHILD, DRINK FROM THE VIAL, THE LIFE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN WILL BE BORN IN THINE LEGS AGAIN" >The vegetable actually drinks it not even gagging >Fank you sir, i'll walk in wen im betta >mfw when he died of the black plague a week later
>>613914489 >Knight Sir Cumference! >I've got just the thing for you. >Good and cheap for a noble man such as yourself! >For only 35 gold I can give you this tape worm. >This worm feeds off the bile and digestion of humans >Will eat anything you eat for about a month, causing you to lose as much weight as you can on the inside while functioning at 110% >Thats right, 110% the extra 10% of function comes from the magic of the worm >You heard right, don't tell anyone but I enchant my worms. >Will boost stamina and help you in bed, not that you'd need any am I right? >Just come back and see me after 30 days time to have it removed or any date before then in which you've felt you've lost enough weight! >Noooo, I promise I won't charge you out the ass some ridiculous amount you can't pay when you come to me to remove the worm. >Trust me, i'm a doctor.
>b me >b 16 years old >b man of the house >landlord comthe over >talketh about these other cunts invading 'our' land I knoweth he meaneth his lands but whatever he lets me work the fields oll dayeth long and only taketh 99% of what i make. >inb4 dont maths. >can count to 20 as i have no shoes >anywayeth 'asks' me to grab my sward and meet them in battle. Haveth no sward. >gives me a 'sharp' pike. Is really stick.
>b next day >we stand on this side of the hill. >they stand on that side. >cold. >wet. >have idea.
'why dont we just learneth their tounge' No.scroll >50,000 men die that day. >Not me >only man in vilege not killed. >repopulate.
>>613914955 >In my Doctor office again >Looking at oddities from the indies >Examining an oddity know as a "Piney-apple" >The fuck is this, don't look like an apple >Cut it up leaves and all >Go outside to the townsfolk >"COME HEATHENS AND SINNERS, THIS IS THE FRUIT OF KNOWLEDGE YOU SHALL BE CLEANSED AND TAKEN TO THE LORDS PARADISE" >They swarm all over the fruit >Catholics.tapestry >A hag of a women eats some and chokes on it >I kick her over and stand on the bakers table ruining his bread >THE DEVIL RESIDES IN THIS WOMEN, THOU ART A HERETIC, THOUS'T PRACTISE WITCHCRAFT IN MYNE PRESENCE? ONLY THE DAMNED WOULD REJECT THE FRUIT >Towns people go ape shit >Everyone beats her to death except me >This mask was expensive I don't wanna get heathen blood on it >mfw the church had only bloody pul to burn at the stake
"The world is decaying. There were giants once (see the Bible), then the great Romans built all these roads and buildings that we don't know how to copy, and now we're down to wooden houses....it will decay until Armageddon ends it all"
Now: "The world is decaying. There were rainforests and clean rivers once, now everything is getting polluted and used up, and eventually we will run out of energy and Islam will end civilization."
>Be me >Be Jewish >come to England fleeing the Muslims >flogged and marched until dead for bringing the curse of the plague upon these lands. >be ghost >people still dying of plague >Man in the bird mask has no idea what real medicine is. >hearty laugher of the highest magnitude.
>May 14, 1097. We begin our siege of Nicaea > The turks were no match against us, we had their heads cut off by our men, who threw the heads of the slain into the city by means of a sling, in order to cause more terror among the Turkish garrison. > the turks surrender the city.
>be knight nobleman >sent on a mission to deliver a parchment letter to Vargath of the Visogoths >begin journey on the 45th sunrise of the year >take out map, current, and stories are told upon that which an explorer reaches the end of earth, a ledge is present , that earth is a large flat strip of land >Vargath lives near the ledge >follow map carefully >all of a sudden, 1000s of Mongol raiders surround me >I open letter to bring solace to myself to see my failed missions message >"get rekt faggot, regards, The King. PS, I fucked your damsel in came in your sword holster" >fucking kings man
>Be peasant farmer >By the grace of God my oldest son has returned from the crusades. >His valor in battle has earned I'm much respect from his superiors >He has become and excellent smith over the past ten years >I could not be more proud that my blood flows in his veins >This could change everything for my decendants >Suddenly the door is kicked in >Men in red robes speaking some devilish tounge. >They kill my sons and rape my four daughters while brandish the cross and shouting in their heathen tounge.
>Travel three days to Dorylaeum, scouts ahead report that a major Turkish army is waiting. >Turkish army mainly consists of light cavalry with bows and swords >As soon as our knights charged, the Turks, Arabs, Saracens and Agulani and all the rest of the barbarians too to their heels and fled… God alone knows how many there were of them. They fled very fast, so they continued their flight and we pursued them, killing them, for a whole day, and we took much booty… >If God had not been with us in ths battle and sent us the army quickly, none of us would have escaped.
>art me >12 years old >6th wife, 14 children (2 surviving) >french men invade >mfw they kill my children >mfw they rape my wife >"raaaaaaaaaaaaape!" >nobody helps her >nobody checks his privilege >feminism underdeveloped >thanks King George
>be sculptor >paid 5 silver a day >hired by Medici family to paint and sculpt in the Sistine chapel >Michaelangelo of Sodom sits in the back sculpting penises >laughingcolliseum.rock >Medici merchant inspects the property >Michaelangelo signs his name on all my shit >he signs my name on pick related >Pope condemns homosex and orders me to be slain by brass bull >no one believes me >Fuck Michaelangelo
>>613911794 >be tavern keep >every adventurer asks me the news >tell them all about same bounties >have a great laugh behind their backs >each leaves seeking the same riches >stupid adventurers >don't realize the bounty parchments are old >also don't realize what the first letter of each sentence spelled
>October 1097, we begin our siege of Antioch >Daily reminder that the Byzantines are back stabbing assholes >The battle begun on Shrove Tuesday, February 9,1098 >Despite being outnumbered, we won a smashing victory. >Our knights ride out, Muslim cavalry were slaughtered and the infantry were massacred. >Thus, By Gods will, on that day our enemies were overcome. Our men captured plenty of horses and other things of which they were badly in need, and they brought back a hundred heads of dead Turks to the city gate…
>be knight >be jousting >have to take a fat shit >joust is fixing to start what the fuck do i do >oh shit we're off >horse is galloping at the speed of light and my ass is fixing to erupt >start getting nervous and lose focus >o-oh s-shit, starting to sweat, its really wanting to come out >oh shit this guys coming right for me >smashes me in the face >fly off horse with my bowls erupting simultaneously >cover entire audience including king in feces >mfw i started the black plague
>be at bathhouse >OP walks in >a group of us snicker as he goes on all fours and sticks thy rear in the air, extended >slaves from Africa enter, 12 in total, and one would climax in OPs rectum followed subsequently by the next >OP is laying in a throne of feces, semen, and blood by the end of his offering >Augustus Ceasar enters >"prop him up, Big C always gets his fill" >OP is raped for the next 10 Hours and subsequently dies from eternal bleeding
>Chilling in my sweet doctor office >Counting my ludicrous amount of crowns for doing jack shit to help anyone >Knockonthedoor.trumpet >Open the door >Fully armoured knight stands before me and hands me a scroll and marches off >Knights are normally healthy, save the plague or missing limbs >Open scroll >"Most honorable Doctor, the Duke has summoned you to his chambers, failure to appear will result in execution" >Better go see what he wants >Enter the keep and the stewards leads me to his royal chambers >Duke is sat in his chair in the room, the lady duchess is sat on their bed looking forlorn >Can't drop the act now, as I bow >"MY LORD DUKE, YOU HAVE SUMMONED *pause for effect, look up at him* THE DOCTOR >Ahh thank you Doctor for coming, you see I am having trouble.... satisfying my good lady >orly.etching >I tell him there is no cure (don't wanna get executed) >yetanotheridea.parchment >"MY LORD, TO SEE THE PROBLEM, I MUST EXAMINE THYNE BODIES. IN ACTION! >He looks me confused >ENGAGE IN COITUS MY LORD OR I CANNOT HEAL YOU >He actually does so but as suspected, can't get it up >I grab some spice from my herb bag and tell him to rub it on his royal 'tool' >It becomes red and swollen >Swollen >"MY WORK HERE IS DONE, SCIENCE BE WITH YOU NOBLE LORD" >Became the Court Doctor with sweet new chambers >mfw when counting even more crowns
>be me >be the king's most favored knight >Some peasants come to the castle, plead with the king to save their town from maurading vikings >Fucking vikings >Go to the coast, town is ablaze >Mount my horse and proceed to ride down heathenous scoundrels >split the skulls of like 30 vikings, spear 2 at once with my lance >town saved, maidens rejoice >shower me in glory and gold and delicious poontang >mfw
>>613921221 >We complete our siege towers and all the necessary preperations. >Night of July 13-14 we move our siege towers against the south and north wall…. >We fire our crossbows at the enemy, slaughtering them, We control the north wall by noon. >Our crusader force mounted the walls with ladders without resistance. >Fighting in the city streets…
>We begin fighting in the city, the Muslim forces are overwhelmed…
>I slaughtered many Muslims that day. God willed it….
>The army ran amok, and a killing spree began, Jeruslaem was filled with so many corpses that we were unable to move without stepping on dead bodies,
>The morning of the 16th, the city was litered with corpses. To the victor go the spoils
>The captives were set to work collecting bodies and carrying them from the city. Placing them in fron of the main gates in huge piles, they were burned.
>Palaces and other buildings lay open, and silver, gold and silken garments wew seized as booty… and in the houses we found a great abundance of every kind of food. This was tight and proper for the army of God, that the finest things that offered themselves to each man, no matter how poor became his by right, without doubt or challenge, no matter the social class of man who first came upon them….
>God repaid them. . . by exacting a retribution equal to their hideous crimes….
>overheard some fool blaring on about how the sun is in the center of the solar system and not the earth >on behalf of the king I round up my men to track down and arrest the man in charge of this act against god >pic related, my round of knights
>>613919532 >Before the mighty and ineffable Prince of Darkness, and in the presence of akl the dread demons of the Pit, and this assembled company, I acknowledge and confess my past error. Renouncing all past allegiances, I proclaim that Satan-Lucifer rules the earth, and I ratify and renew my promise to recognize and honor Him in all things, without reservation, desiring in return His manifold assistance in the successful completion of my endeavors and the fulfillment of my desires
>>613925426 >To us, Thy faithful children, O Infernal Lord, who glory in our iniquity and trust in Your boundless power and might, grant that we may be numbered among Thy chosen. It is ever through You that all gifts come to us; knowledge, power and wealth are Yours to bestow. Renouncing the spiritual paradise of the weak and lowly, we place our trust in Thee, the God of the Flesh, looking to the satisfaction of all our desires, and petitioning all fulfillment in the land of the living.
>walking the market, feel horror looking at peasant filth and disease >searching for some guy called Alastair who stole some apples from my orchard last week >lo! the laird's wife comes sauntering by in a skimpy linen dress revealing perhaps as much as 6 square inches of skin >devil's lance clonks against the inside of my pantaloons and greaves >"merry-upon-noon, sir anon" >i simply stand thoroughly dumbfounded >"g-gods be good to ye...hehe..." >bread and hard cheese come tumbling out of my knapsack >she carries on >feel ashamed and humiliated >find Alastair >have him tortured to death such is life
>be me >be peseant >chilling out in the field tending too muh crops >clouds are very dark >suddenly loud crack in the sky >there was a huge light for a moment then a roar >it starts too rain >oh shit nigga >go too village >everyone else saw it >sacrifice our first borns >burn down village >hide in cave for 40 years >god is angry
>>613933049 Hark, fellow! You may be glad to know, that there is indeed a solution; one most effective, may I add, for it's robustness has resulted in the much-welcomed increase of my bread profit by a dancing 12%! The procedure is as follows. One must don an expression of utmost sincerity, as if one hath discovered that his castle was upon a besieging; this is to make those who shall now be mentioned to regard you with sincerity. Gather a round, if you dare, and express concern that this new breed of man, this...coloured filth, is a working of the devil himself, bent to wreak havoc upon thy crops and thy unmarried daughters. Upon hearing this utterance, the many fools and lunatics will harken to a frenzy! They will drive the vermin out.
Now, of yet, finding a solution to curing my son of dreaded homosexuality has proved to be an entirely different matter.
Can knights actually beat samurais? And I'm not talking about Edo Tensei Madara Uchiha. I'm talking about Gedou Rinne Tensei Madara Uchiha with the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan and Rinnegan doujutsus (with the rikodou abilities and being capable of both Amateratsu and Tsukyomi genjutsu), equipped with his Gunbai, a perfect Susano'o, control of the juubi and Gedou Mazou, with Hashirama Senju's DNA implanted in him so he can mokuton kekkei genkai and can perform yin yang release ninjutsu while being an expert in kejutsu and taijutsu.
> be me > tending convent with mine brothers on exchange from monestry in shrewsbury > nuns criticize our handwoven robes > firstfallenofthegardenofeden.liturgy > Suddenly knight walks into convent > sees Brother Jeffron > loses his shit and starts raving about some kind of siege > punches Brother Jeffron so hard his head turns a full renaissance > mine visage whence not expelled from convent because he did not spill blood upon holy ground
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