I've been hating myself a lot more lately. It's weird cause it didn't even happen directly after I broke up but kinda with a one month delay. Watching Californication has really made me want to get a girlfriend though.
Springtime is usually the most depressing time of year for me, even though I live like right next to the arctic circle and spring really should be the highlight of anyone's year.
On the bright side I might get a job so yay for me. //end of blog post
I fluctuate between deeply loathing everyone around me, and deeply loathing myself.
I do have some periods of functioning just fine though, that are often quite long.
Have had psychotherapy in the past, as well as using psychedelics for short term (usually about a few weeks) alleviation of anxiety, as well as a short spell of benzodiazepine addiction
currently clean from illegal drugs, and taking Methylphenidate for my ADHD, which, due to the fact that (simplified science) increases my dopamine levels, makes me more sociable and confident, as well as making me function a lot better in my degree :)
I've resolved a few issues with my life, and I'm happy with that. I am slowly improving my life situation, but improvement is improvement. The thing that pisses me off to no end, though, is the amount of time that I have spent in mediocrity. I've basically wasted a couple of years of my life that I'm never going to get back. I've spent age 17 to 22 being a faggoty, self-loathing, /r9k/ type. What a waste. . .
But like I said . . . I'm glad that I've turned myself around. And you know what? I'm actually looking forward to growing up. I can't wait for my 30s, I'm going to rock the shit out of those years.
>>9626406 Similar story here. Wasted my time with video games, dropped out of uni TWICE, no gf, which then leads to depression. Had few suicide attempts, last one I had a gun pointed to my head but somehow I chickened out.
Age 17-25 was shit. At 26 I got my shit straight. I'm slowly climbing up, things get better but the depression is still there. 28 this year and I hope things are getting better.
>>9626433 >last one I had a gun pointed to my head but somehow I chickened out Thanks for sharing this, amigo. I've attempted suicide with a gun in my mouth. I was 22 at the time. . . I will spare you the intricate details, but I'm glad that I tried this in front of the mirror.
When I saw my pitiful self in front of the mirror, .357 in mouth, tears streaming down my face I immediately felt disgusted. It was such a pitiful scene. Despite this sense of self-loathing, there was this sudden need to improve my situation. I took a deep look in the mirror and I decided not to take the easiest way out of my shitty life situation.
I guess this was my waking up moment, and in a weird way, attempting suicide was the best thing that I've done for myself (by far).
Whoever you are, wherever you may be, I hope you live a happy and prosperous life. You've been at the bottom, you sure as hell don't need to go back there.
You can be skinny and be depressed You can be fat and be depressed You can have a job and be depressed You can be unemployed and be depressed You can have a family and be depressed You can have a gf and be depressed You can have no one and be depressed
>>9625803 I thought today was going to be an okay day, not too much to go wrong. Now I got this to deal with.
I can't stand myself. You know that feeling when you can look back a certain amount of time and be like "Wow, I fucking sucked back then?" Basically,my teen years consisted of that time getting smaller and smaller until now, when I hate myself every hour of every day. I figured that would be the end of it, but now I can feel myself hating who I'll be, what I know I'll turn into. It's weird
I don't hate myself or my life. I try not to hate anything, it's an unproductive emotion. Dislike, yes, but hate does nothing unless someone can change what they are hating.
I don't necessarily think my situation is ideal. I'm paying myself through community college and in my past 3 semesters I haven't met a single person I would associate with outside of class. I get along with people fine, but everybody seems just a bit dull, without interests besides video games or sports. Maybe I seem dull to them, but I just want an adventure buddy.
I've got one friend, and that's it. I only have a land line and we go riding or hiking or driving once or twice a week. He's my only friend, but I'm not his. I suppose that's fine.
I used to have a girlfriend. We were in an LDR. I know I could do better as far as looks go, but I like her. She said she wasn't in a place for a relationship and fell away a bit. I finally got a bit drunk today and decided to try to talk to her again, as a friend anyways. I don't know if I'd even mind if she was with another guy. I don't know if I should even be looking for a relationship, my sex drive is practically nonexistent.
I'm always finding new music which keeps me happy. I love getting out and going for a ride. I've got some talents and skills. I'm attractive and dress okay. I'm learning how to play the accordion, how to work on cars, and a couple of languages as well. I'm happy. I feel like I'll end up in a situation I'm happy with if I keep on doing what I am. Maybe I'll have an idea of who and what I want to be, and that maybe similar people will be able to find me.
Sometimes I get psychotic. Sometimes I break down crying because my cooking was bad or I left too early for class. I'm not perfectly reasonable. I am optimistic for the future, I'm glad I'm alive, and I'm whatever I can make of myself.
I wrote a lot here. I don't know why. Read it or don't, for some reason I want to say it.
I have a shit job, no friends and I'm unhappy all the time so I've pretty much given up and come to terms with the idea that I'll kill myself in the next few years. I'm 26 tomorrow and the idea of having to keep living for another 26 seems terrible.
I think I'm depressed or something. I got a job, studying a decent course at uni, a gf, physically fit but lately the only time when I feel really awake is when I'm alone listening to music. I feel mentally and physically exhausted just spending a couple hours at uni. I try to be kind to other people but I only really care about myself.
feel like I forgot how to be friends with someone like maintaining a relationship is constantly an uphill battle. My younger brother is the only actual friend I have and would care if I lost him.
I've been hanging out with this girl whos pretty much my gf and I'm having a good time with her but I don't know how long I can keep up this mask of being a normal guy. She probably wouldn't wanna be with me once she sees just how introverted/antisocial I am.
I think I'm actually like pic related but I don't want to be. Its just that being alone is when I think I'm actually experiencing life, any other time is just waiting to be alone.
I don't myself but I hate how the real me doesn't actually fit into normal society and so I have to fake it
I know I just dumped all this lame shit but it helps to write it out and maybe some people can relate
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