What if programmign languages were methods to eat an orange?
Java:You take an orange from refrigerator, wash it, dry it with cloth, put it on plate. You salivate, anticipating an easy task. You take a knife and consult the book on industrial cutting patterns. You begin to feel nervous, holding the orange with a fork and carefully cutting it to standard 4 piece synergized enterprise orange meal. You swipe the juice off the plate with a napkin.You then pause and detect the seeds, removing them from each piece and ponder upon the preferred methods of eating. You take a book from the shelf entitled "Learn optimal orange eating in 24 hours". You take the easiest approach: placing the orange peel against your mouth you try to gnaw the threads and juicy parts.
After the meal you wash your mouth, dispose of the garbage and congratulate yourself with such an accomplishment.
Haskell: You eat an orange with a spoon, removing the top part with a spoon cut and splashing juice everywhere. Its extremely labor intensive but you have so much fun in the process you forget it. Your mom eventually collects the orange peel and cleans the room.
LISP: You peel an orange an put it into a juice mixer, with a cup attached nearby. It not very fast mixer however, so in the mean time you read a charter of SICP and redecorate your personal Sussman shrine. You would clean the mixer later, such matters shouldn't interfere with the process of orange eating.
COBOL: You eagerly await the orange truck as it unloads nearby. You are hit by an old half-rotten orange which you hide into your pocket. Back home you you remove the bad parts, peel it and try to make the orange a part of a fruit salad. You present your poor family with your custom made salad. They probably wished for something more expensive, but you can't afford it.
Your monkey looks at you contemplatively awaiting some reward or command. You leave the room walking completely unaware of what you've eaten before, just staring at clouds. Back in the room your monkey eats the peel.
APL: You pick an orange, throw and shoot it. Juice falls down exactly the locations where you have placed cups. Your last shot guide the orange into the garbage bucket and you pull the cups back to you, since they all are connected with the same string.
You filter and mix the contents of all cups for a refreshing drink.
Ruby: You pick an anime which revolves about teenage girls eating oranges all day and having a good time. You put it on repeat, adjust your figurines, and grab an orange. You throw it at the ceiling screaming something affirmative, some phrase you picked up from the anime. You get excited and get the peel off accidentally,but forget about it. You grab a juice pack from the refrigerator, and ponder on the hidden meanings of oranges in the anime.
VisualBasic: You play with oranges as if it was basketball. People
look at you funny, but you persist and try to discover new orange throwing techniques. You wander the streets looking for someone to share your skills and challenge them for oranges in your pocket.
Eventually you're recruited by a passing orange league agent.
Ada: You're invited to a orange farm to taste some oranges, but deep down you suspect something. You see a watermelon on a long fork, stuck on the ground. In a distance is a team of soldiers is coloring similar watermelons with orange paint, accompanied by guard dogs. You walk away, confused.
Forth: You make an elaborate contraption, designed to make juice with minimal labor expenses. A truck unloads oranges into a designated pipeworks which all lead to your juice machine. The orange are peeled, juiced and discarded and juice is flowing smoothly into industrial containers attached to the machine. You taste the first batch and adjust the settings, leaving the process on overnight.
Haskell: You sit in lotus position with inscence burning. There is an orange on the table. You sit thinking for a few hours. Then suddenly you grip part onto it and peel the orange into a single spiral in one flick of your wrist. You spend the rest of the week playing with interesting methods of folding the orange peel up.
Scheme: You take your time-continuation device out of your pocket and travel back in time, you're there about to eat an orange but you steal it out of your own hands and bite into it. There is a dreadful fight you lose track of which one you are.. all you can do it kick and bite because you're being held down. You headbutt yourself really hard and start seeing stars, all you an think is "I need to get back" you grope around for your continuation... it's missing! You can't see anything, there's blood dripping down your face, why??? you scream but it's just a gurgle, you can't breathe anymore.. you must have bitten through... time is slowing down into a droopy viscous sensation, you can't feel anything anymore. You have died.
Brainfuck: You grow an orange from a seed. Watering it and removing weeds, calculating optimal lighting inside your room and choosing the right fertilizer . You eventually grow a single orange. You can't bring yourself to eat it and instead freeze dry it as memorabilia. You tell all your friends about your orange.
Perl: You dive into a box filled with many kinds of fruit. You feel around for an orange, and it takes several attempts until you are content you have an orange. While still submerged in the fruit box, you decide on how to peel the orange. You contemplate using (in roughly this order): a brick, a hammer, your fists, your forehead, a spoon, a fork, a knife... You give up and bite into the orange, only to discover that it is a pineapple. This entire process is repeated several times until you actually find an orange. Once you bite through its leathery flesh, you find it is underwhelmingly juicy. You then proceed to eat it anyway, but you decide to only chew through your lips, so your teeth do not actually touch any orange.
Erlang: Hungry and half-asleep, you walk in a dimly lit room. A refrigerator door is slightly open and you look in, search for something edible. You try to bite an orange, but...suddenly it bites you back, grinning like a maniac. Your table swivels its legs around you. You're trapped and screaming for mercy, while being eaten alive by oranges.
You look through all the fruits in the store, muttering garbage and looking for an orange matching a bad drawing of what you half remember oranges look like. When you find one, you pull out your dull pocket knife and peel the orange. It turns out mangled but edible.
Toppest of keks! I want more APL
Can somebody do programming paradigms? (procedural, imperative, OO, parallel, scripting..)
documentations, standards and references.
What is the RFC way of eating an orange compared to, say, the msdna library or the ANSI C89
You start peeling the orange but you quickly realize you don't know enough about the Rutaceae family to eat the fruit properly so you research that.
You then learn it's part of the Sapindales order which of course you know nothing about but it's an interesting architecture.
The lack of a good grasp on angiosperms is a common pitfall for Sapindales programmers so you pour over the documentation..which refers you to the Plantae Kingdom.
What is a Kindgom anyway? Oh that's a subdomain of Domains or empires (the highest taxonomic rank of organisms in the three-domain system of taxonomy designed by Carl Woese but I've heard he died of pancreatic cancer). You now wish he'd heard of the Harvard study from 2007 showing a modest inverse trend between blood circulation of B vitamines and folate and pancreatic cancer incidence.
I mean, he could've eaten more Oranges. Wait, what is an Orange again?!
LabVIEW: You hold the orange and wrap it in lots of electrical wire, using a Dremel to carefully drill several irregular holes in the orange. After using a mill and lathe you borrow from your neighbor, you have created an overly sophisticated, deluxe, orange crusher. You place the orange inside it and everything catches on fire. A contest judge walks up to you and hands you a small trophy.
Obj-C: While eating the orange, the juice pours down onto your MBP, but luckily for you the person sitting next to jumps to save your laptop. He responds with "don't worry I've almost done this to myself". Everybody in the Starbucks claps using their Clap™ app.
HTML: You sit down in your high school Computer Projects class. The assignment this week is to eat an orange. You are handed a packet of papers with information about the orange tree, the orange peel, your fingers, the knife, and the plate you rest the orange on. The packet includes stock photos of peeled oranges, looking perfect and pristine. "Alright, this looks pretty easy," you think.
One week later, the project is due and half the peel is still on the orange. You cut that half off, and present it to the rest of the class. Your teacher gives you an 87% and you never eat an orange again in your life.
C++: You are about to eat an orange, but then you realize that you've been thinking about this completely wrong. Instead of thinking of this as eating an orange, it's really just an example of consuming fruit. And since you're not the only person who might consume fruit, let's think of ourselves as just instantiations of Eaters produced by an EaterFactory contained in an Eatery produced by an EateryFactory.
Eating an orange only ever goes two ways for you. When you were a spry young thing, you would cut your orange peel into marvelous flowery designs before finally sending your artisaned fruit to have its design copied and enjoyed by the masses.
In your old age, you wish you still had the time to pick up the razor, instead you hand over the orange to the younger folk who now perform your fine art in your stead.
C++: You wish to start peeling the orange, but arranged on the table are thousands of different knives. Each one can help peel the orange but no matter what knife you choose, supporters of the other knives will tell you you're peeling the orange wrong.
Objective-C: You peel your orange, meanwhile sending messages to your OrangePeelingDelegate about your progress. Once you're finished peeling it, your OrangePeelingDelegate tells you to eat the orange
You're terrible at banter, you know that?
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AutoHotkey: You are sitting in your childhood bedroom in 90 degree weather reading a forum about eating oranges. You recently installed a new orange on top of your TV-tray and you're curious about how others had been able to eat the orange. You find out that a few people have been able to rig up a Rube Goldberg machine that will peel an orange and roll the results into a funnel that would lead to your mouth while you are conducting your latest WoW raids. Unfortunately, you have to remember to reset the machine every time you finish an orange or else nothing will happen.
MIX Assembly: You don't actually have an orange, but luckily you have a very nice, streamlined model of one. You find it's best to study the orange in hypothetical terms instead of actually eating a real orange.
Game Maker Studio: You make a mario clone platformer game with static orange sprites and 3 levels and put it on Steam Greenlight for $14.99 (early access)
When people start asking about the actual eating of the orange, you ignore them at first and once you've made enough buck, you outsource your IP to a 3rd party to rewrite the engine in C++ and implement the originally promised features.
Imagine punching somebody so hard that they turned into a door. Then you found out that's where ALL doors come from, and you got initiated into a murder club that makes doors. The stronger you punch, the better the door. So there are like super strong murderers who punch people into Venetian doors and shit.
LaTeX: There are old and tested tools for eating tangerines, but not oranges exactly. You try to adapt said tool for oranges, discovering how impossibly terse the old tool is. You use it anyway, and the orange is transformed into a hollow marble sculpture of various fruits.
Swift: You try to eat the orange with your new-fangled safely cutlery, but then you can only peel the skin at the rate of 1 cm2 per second. You remove the protective coating of your cutlery, and they accidentally slips into your anus and starts vibrating. The orange falls onto the floor and explodes into beautiful colours, leaving you moaning on the floor and twitching in a pool of magically designed tang. There now remains no barrier of abstraction and performance cost between the orange and you.
Haskell: You come to the conclusion that oranges are merely lists of slices, in doing so you additionally recognise that eating a single slice is merely a functional action. Upon understanding this you slice the orange and foldr it into your mouth, unfortunately you run into a seed so your function is only partially applied
Pretty good, but I'd expand on that.
>Tcl: Using an actual orange as a model you scrumple up some newspaper and paper mache it. Then you throw away the orange. Once the paper mache is dry you paint it orange and eat it. Dual-porting transforms the pieces back into real orange as you swallow them.
C#: You eat your orange relatively quickly and efficiently, your friend asks for an orange,you pass one to him nut he lacks the ability to eat orange. He installs monorange. Great. You pass him the orange. You watch for 2 hours as he slowly begins eating the orange. You forgot monorange lacks the proprietary peeling framework and your friend crashes. He eats a strawberry instead as it doesn't require the peeling framework
Object Pascal: You eat the orange as fast as C++ with about half the preparation time but nobody cares to appreciate it because you want them to pay serious money to watch. Your circle of friends soon narrows to consist exclusively of Europeans who once saw a bootleg VHS of your orange-eating techniques.
Haskell: You prepare to eat infinite oranges. You then eat only the first.
Elm: You describe the path the orange takes from the farm to your stomach using signal processing. You feel full afterwards.
You travel to a nearby lake on foot.
You find a piece of flint, fashion it into a crude axe, and cut down some nearby trees. Constructing a crude raft from sticks and branches, you paddle out and trawl for some iron ore.
After you collect as much as you can carry, you paddle back to land. You repurpose the axe as a mattock to dig and find some clay. You shape the clay into bricks and cook them over a campfire made of sticks. Using these bricks, you build a small furnace with which to smelt the ore, using individually-cut woodchips as fuel. After the ore has finished, you retrieve a small lump of iron from the slag.
Using suitably-shaped rocks as a hammer and anvil, you painstakingly heat the iron piece in your furnace, hammer it out flat, fold it, and repeat until you think the piece is strong enough. After 10 or so folds, you decide the piece is homogeneous enough and begin to hammer it out into a knife blade. From there, you use river rocks of varying abrasiveness to clean the blade of oxide and to sharpen it into an edge capable of cutting an orange. The knife is full tang and doesn't require a handle. You consider handles to be unnecessary bloat.
You return home with your knife, sit down in from of your orange, cut it up and eat it.
Despite the amount of work involved, this entire process from start to finish takes about 2 or 3 seconds. You eat your orange faster than your friend Guido did, and he already owns a robot that cuts up the orange and places it in his mouth for him.
Go: You conjure up eight people from thin air whose only purpose in life is to remove the peel from orange segments. You quickly slice the orange into eighths and throw one to each person. You begin eating the orange when you are first thrown back any segment of it, sans peel. The people each disappear back into thin air as soon as they have finished their task.
This was glorious. It could only be better if you threw in a part where the wheel was literally re-invented.
>You eat your orange faster than your friend Guido did, and he already owns a robot that cuts up the orange and places it in his mouth for him.
Lua: You can amend your method of eating an orange very conveniently.
Bash: You put on a table: a mechanical arm to take orange from a fridge; a cutting device; blender; cup dispenser; cup filler. Then you connect everything with rubber tubes and push the button. Immediately after you realize that you forgot to get rid of peel. You smash everything and insert debris shredder in the middle. 20 min later you finally get a cup of fresh orange juice.
Virtual Basic 2014: You find an orange out in the middle of the street, you don't know how it got there or what was its pour pose but you pick it up and take it with you home.
Then you realise you were home already , but hows it possible you were outside just a second ago...
The whole ordeal didn't add up you thought of going home but you never completed the step required to get there.
You start compiling your thought when the sudden error in your head comes.
You were never outside or inside the house, you where not even alive , it was an abstract thought , it had no porpoise or function you where the Orange.
Zsh: You have many interesting ideas in approaching the orange. You reach for the orange, and your hand automatically moves and points at a nearby oak tree, then an oil jar, an onion, and an optical disk.
When you finally managed to point at the orange, your hand whizzes and morphs into a cyborg abomination that tells you the current time, your current location in relative to your birth place, the duration of time since the last time you've moved a furniture in your current room, and the weight of the orange.
When finally you do pick up the orange and start peeling it, you realise your fingernails aren't compatible with this orange, or indeed most oranges in the world. So you go and check your current timezone with a gadget in your cybernetic arm again, trying to convince yourself that you don't want to eat that orange in the first place.
After gnawing for several days and leaking juice all over the floor you decide to purchase an eating framework for $300 that makes it a little better. So many people have been trying to eat this orange for so long that there are teeth marks everywhere and half of the orange is blue with mould.
You look down and notice that the Orange has been replaced by a ball of raw, festering human feces that is stinking out the room. Your eyes are watering at the sheer putridity of the thing. It's like Brendan Eich has just been to Taco Bell, squat firmly over your face, and let rip.
Suddenly, Mozilla appear on the scene and offers a pair of tweezers so that you can at least pick the nuts and corn out. A Google van appears and offers to paint the ball orange so that you can at least pretend that it's fruit. A few other teams arrive and offer ways to press the ball of shit into other shapes including Node, that guarantee that their 'shit processing machine' can make it into a banana.
After a few days you're left with a ball of orange, glow in the dark, JIT-compiled, shit that allows some level of usability if you're fine with getting the stuff all over your office. You get the feeling that this Orange was a joke that got completely out of hand.
The Orange is sweet and juicy and delicious. After wolfing it down in a few minutes you notice that the skin's color is a little inconsistent. The news tells a story of a man that once tried to make a fruit salad but ended up building an entire fruit salad factory that only output picnic baskets containing apples.
The Orange is very pleasant and you rejoice to find out that you can fit 50,000 of them in your kitchen. The people at the supermarket that buy C brand Oranges all smell funny and keep muttering that the windows 'flat kernel' was better even if it did crash every 20 minutes. The packaging for the Orange has instructions written in an ancient dialect of Sanskrit.
>It's like Brendan Eich has just been to Taco Bell, squat firmly over your face, and let rip.
>You get the feeling that this Orange was a joke that got completely out of hand.
Erlang: You open a fridge and take an orange. Orange fall off from your hand. You open a fridge and take an orange. Orange fall off from your hand. You open a fridge and take an orange. You put orange on table and take a knife. Then you cut yourself. You open a fridge and take an orange. Orange fall off from your hand. You suicide in despair. Your parents start to make a new baby in hope that next time it will do better with oranges.
C+=: You check your non-fuit privilege, castrate yourself, and asks for the orange's consent for eating it. The orange accuses you of rape, and you go to jail whilst feeling content that the Patriarchy has been checked and womyn worldwide can feel safe this day.
You go to the store but outside there is a sign that reads
White Cis - $10.00
Black Cis - $5.00
Womyn - get 5 free oranges courtesy of the Gnome foundation
Proud member of the LGBTQQIMUTYGG!RExxXXNoSCOPExxXX_ community - $0
The shop is full of effeminate men on Macs pretending to work.
You get the Orange but it requires a special set of Knives and Forks painted with the Daedric Symbols from the Elder Scrolls. You try to eat the Orange but end up summoning Mehrunes Dagon. He takes your Orange.
You can see the orange and want to eat it but it came with a few additional extras. Bundled with the fruit was a collection of machinery of such vast and unhindered complexity that it was like wandering into some dystopian sci-fi epic. There is a machine that hums and glows with a faint light that stretches right up to the sky and another machine that appears to be able to create oranges straight from the quantum foam using a laser the size of a skyscraper. You drive for hundreds of miles in all directions but the machines only seem to increase in complexity.
After weeks you encounter a strange man and a young student sitting in the ruins of a machine the size of a city. The man's beard stretches off into the distance and the student questions him eagerly.
"Why don't we make a machine that can go back in time and feed an Orange to someone" - the student pauses, he looks contemplative, "before they even know they want an Orange?"
"tried that back in 79'" relies the old man, "you young-uns need to catch up"
>the LGBTQQIMUTYGG!RExxXXNoSCOPExxXX_ community
PHP: You decide to give oranges to entire world. You hire a dozen Injuns and explain them instructions in broken mexican. Then you give them a box full of oranges. Every time a customer asks for juice they pray to the Orange God with your instructions, swallow an orange and spit juice back. Sometimes yout customers got vomit instead.
You decide that you want an orange, but since you might want to eat more oranges in the future you decide to get an entire orange tree instead. However, you might also want to eat other fruits in the future, so you consider getting a gardener that can plant any fruit trees. But since you also might want to have non-fruit trees, you decide to start a gardener school for lovals to bevome gardeners of specific trees so you can pick the ones that can plant the trees you want. But then you realize that you might want to educate other topics as well, so you start a school that can teach teachers so you always have the teachers you want, no matter what you want to teach. After building the teacher school you realize that you forgot to do the tpaperwork, so you do all the paperwork at once while the entire rest grinds to an halt. Fifty years later you decide to terminate the entire project since it takes too long.
You still don't have an orange.
You pick an orange from the fridge. Not just any orange, but a $150 one that's been genetically engineered to be peeled by a TI-KNIFE© only. After spending far too much time learning the differences between the TI-KNIFE© and a normal one, you create a procedure to easily peel the entire orange with one stroke. You are so proud of your work that you begin to share this method with your friends, only to realise they do not own the latest TI-ORNG© which is unable to be cut by the TI-KNIFE©. You then spend the rest of your hobby time creating alternate methods to peel the various TI-ORNGs©
They can apply for jobs and get them based on merit like everyone else.
If you have a BSC, are easy to work with and maintain a broad knowledge of computing concepts then I'd hire you regardless of your chromosomes.
After some digging through forums, you've found that resetting the machine is an absolute requirement. But its reset can indeed be externally automated, after applying a registry tweak.
GLSL: you first figure out the exact shape of the orange. Next, you look at one microscopic part of the peel and calculate its exact lambertian lighting parameters. Finally, you use a thousand tiny knives to cut off 1mm^2 sections of the skin at once.
Once your orange is peeled, you swap buffers and do it a few hundred times again in the next second.
HLSL: exact same as GLSL, but it can only cut and eat oranges if the table is built by Microsoft. Some people have tricked HLSL to work on other tables, but it usually fucks up and the orange turns purple.
Arduino: You eat an orange while trying desperately to not touch the fake moustache, eyebrows and theatrical makeup that hides the fact you're C++. You inevitably fail and your true identity is revealed.
You save up and but the requisite $2000 kitchen equipment and iKnife™ cutting set with the mandatory long term support and a bundled free Orange download.
On the way home from the Swift™ store you notice Steve Jobs sitting in a bus shelter. He's just staring at you, unblinking. A bus comes and goes and he remains in the same place.
You get home and change into slacks. Glancing up you see Steve in your garden. He's right there in the middle and making no attempt to hide. His eyes and wild and glaring.
You unpack your recent purchases and start reading the documentation to cut the Orange. Under the section on cutting the manual just says 'This changes everything. Again.' with no other instructions. You hear a clattering in your living room and peek through the door, flipping the light switch. Nobody is there but it creeps you out.
After trying to cut the orange and experiencing some success you turn in for a shower. Lathering up in the steam filled cubicle you feel a presence behind you. A cold and strained breathing.
You turn. It's Steve. Those same wild eyes are fixed on you. You scream and fling the door open, running down the stairs and grabbing what clothes you can.
After sprinting swiftly to a friends house you towel off and hide. Shaking as your friend says you'll be safe here. After a while your heart rate slows and you try to doze off in the guest bed.
You wake. A long, bony finger is pressed right against your butthole.
Steve presses his lips against the standing hairs on your neck and whispers ever so gently.
"Shhh, No tears please, It's a waste of good suffering. We have such sights to show you"
Write down an intricate mathematical formula describing the process of eating an orange. Keep rewriting it for a week squeezing every last nanosecond out of the process, and then take it to a bright, air conditioned room where thousands of robots eat oranges as fast as they can. Add more and bigger robots, with better strings connecting them. Earn a spot on the coveted list of top 500 fastest orange eaters.
In the end, finish only about thirty seconds before this guy: >>43330164
Python: Someone else offers to eat your orange for you, but he he turns out to not be very bad at it. You spend the rest of the day cleaning up the mess he left.
PHP: A shady beggar hands you a dirty orange. You contemplate whether to eat it or just get a proper orange in the store around the corner. You decide to eat it. Three days later you're still not sure what the beggar injected into the orange, but your diarrhea is quickly approaching a medical emergency.
C: You have an orange and want to eat it. While trying to make space for cutting it you discover that there is no space left and you die.
HTML: You have an orange but can't do anything.
CSS: You have plenty of paint but no orange.
VirtualBasic: You give the orange to your mentally challenged friend and gesture for him to eat it. He smashes the orange until it roughly resembles the shape of the plastic toy car he eat yesterday.
working on an orange now but I'd forgotten how tough it is to work in piet (and the color orange isn't one of the instruction colors so I can't do something fun involving that). It doesn't help that the only ide I have on me at the moment is browser-based
Fuck it, have this half-assed thing. Too lazy to do something actually substantial since I can't get npiet to compile
You can run it by uploading to http://www.rapapaing.com/blog/?page_id=6 and setting codel size to 20
Eating an orange should be simple enough. No problem.
Since you want to actually see yourself eat the orange, you need to generate a buffer and dump the pieces you want people to see there.
Your program works well enough, so you make a customizable variable that allows a person to choose the fruit they want to eat.
Unfortunately, you didn't bother learning all of the intricacies of Emacs' customize facilities and now people are putting things like baskets and other things in the variable and they end up choking to death or blowing up.
You don't care.
As it turns out though, you accidentally chose a variable name that conflicts with another part in your program and need to change it.
You also accidentally redefined a primitive function and now Emacs is foaming at the mouth with a debugger up.
You just shoot him and bring up another instance.
You'll eventually fix it later.
Data-oriented: You buy a huge long table, and 1,000 oranges from the store. You put the oranges in a straight line on the table. You eat each orange sequentially.
Object-oriented: You look up the store's address, then go to the store and buy a single orange. You eat the orange, and repeat 999 more times.
Task queue: You write the instructions to buy and eat an orange on 1,000 slips of paper. You hire 7 people to each take a piece of paper and follow the instructions until all the slips of paper are gone.
OpenCL: You buy 1,000 oranges. You ship them to Taiwan, have them peeled by a child labour sweatshop, and ship them back so that you can eat them.
You decide to eat another orange.
Java: You're fresh out of school with your Orange-Eating Certification. You decide to test your skills. You build a device that will peel the orange and break it into slices with the push of a button. The machine must also be able to slice apples in the exact same manner, in case you later decide you no longer like oranges.
The machine proves to be very difficult to build. You ask your parents to mail you $1,000, or you won't have enough money to feed yourself until you finish your machine. Five months later, and with the help of your two best buds, you complete the machine.
Every morning, you wake up and make perfectly sliced oranges. Every couple of days, you wake up to find a man stealing all your oranges.
C#: Tired of eating tangerines all your life and constantly having to spit out the seeds, you decide to start eating oranges instead.
You walk into the grocery store to find a big box of factory-farmed oranges, with a whole shelf full of orange-related accessories next to it, but the oranges are $10 a pound. Next to it is a small box of organically grown, but slightly rotten oranges as free samples. You grab a few fresh oranges, a peeler, and a specialty orange-storage container.
You get home and decide to lookup some information about eating oranges. The top search results are:
MSDN: Orange.Eat Method
Scott Hanselman: This week's best orange recipes
Coding Horror: It's not about the orange, but what you do with that matters
John Skeet: 1,001 ways you can tell time using an orange
After some thorough research, you feel confident. You start eating your orange. You get halfway done, when you receive an email telling you that the orange will become rotten in the next 5 minutes, and you will need to go buy more fresh oranges if you want to continue enjoying them.
CSS: You spend your nights building structures out of oranges in your apartment. One day, you manage to create a perfect replica or the Penrose Stairs. You grab all of the oranges and drive to your best friend's apartment to show them.
However, you get halfway done when the structure explodes and the oranges fly all over the place. You continue trying to recreate your masterpiece, inserting oranges from the left, top, and bottom, but none of these techniques work. Defeated, you grab a banana, eat it, and throw the peel on the table. The oranges magically converge above the banana, once again forming the perfect Penrose Staircase.
You think about taking the oranges to your grandmother's house to show her, but you remember she's going to die soon anyway and instead go home to build new orange structures.
You grab an orange and tell the orange everything about itself and how it will be eaten in minute detail which takes all day and will leave you extremely hungry, but will always result in you being able to eat one extremely delicious orange at a time, but at record speed, especially every orange after the first.
You sit at a table in the kitchen. In front of you are thirty-two doll plates in a neat row. You are holding a doll knife and fork.
You try to start eating the orange, but you don't have it in front of you. You get up from the table and walk over to the counter hoping the orange is there, but it isn't. You keep walking to the refrigerator, open it, and see the orange. You cut a half inch off the top of the orange and set it on the counter, leaving the rest of the orange in the refrigerator. You cut a tiny piece from the chunk on the counter, bring it back to the table, and set it on one of the plates.
In order to separate the peel from this tiny piece you create a bit of peeled orange from nothingness and put it on another of your plates. You AND this with the first piece and store the resulting peeled bit of orange back in the refrigerator. You repeat this procedure hundreds upon hundreds of times, until the entire orange is rebuilt in a peeled state in the refrigerator and the peel has vanished. You cannot eat the orange because it's too large to fit in your mouth.
There isn't a full orange in play anymore.
I've removed the outer cover of the orange from the OrangeList, and now I only have to call eat on the part of the orange I have left.
Orange is an eaterable, but the piece of the orange is not.
Is it your first time eating an orange or something?
Dylan: first off, you grab some paper. On one page, you write down the names and descriptions of all the tools you'll need to peel the orange. On another, you write down the names of all the stores you'll be buying the equipment from. You put the orange and the papers into a box and label the contents, then you recreate the universe but leave out all the bits that don't pertain to peeling oranges.
Max/MSP: You drag the orange into a chalk rectangle you’ve drawn in front of your refrigerator. Then, using word magnets on the door, you describe the exact location of the orange. Magically the orange appears in the fridge on 0th shelf. You’ve already lined the edge of the door with explosives. You slam the fridge with a sledgehammer, igniting them. As the door blows open, a black plastic retractable tube extends out from the fridge. The orange falls into the tube and rolls onto an adjacent white plastic table. On the table is a sleek box with a round opening on two sides, exactly the size of an orange. The box is labeled “peel 1”. The orange rolls into the box through one opening and emerges from the other without a peel. The peeled orange then rolls through another black tube and off the side of the table. As it falls, it happens to land perfectly onto a radial arrangement of knives that correspond with each section of the orange. The sections are perfectly separated, but just before they hit the ground, they are magically transported to a point in mid-air 15 ft. above the stage at an illegal loft performance space in San Francisco. You notice that somebody has written the letter “s” on the ground where they would have landed. The sections fall into a proprietary orange section launcher connected to the performer’s PowerBook running a custom driver for the machine written by his friend at Mill’s College. The sections are sorted and placed on individual metal launcher arms. They cock back with an awkward jerky movement, but once positioned, they smoothly launch the orange sections into equally divided portions of the audience.
There’s an off-by-1 error and one portion of the audience doesn’t get any orange, but everybody’s too confused to notice. They can’t decide whether they like the taste of the orange. It’s kind of bitter, “but I think that’s how it’s supposed to taste.” After the show there’s a short, but glowing review in The Wire. A few guys on a forum talk about how oranges aren’t very interesting anymore.
Awk: You buy a very long table and arrange everything you had in your fridge on it in a straight line. You go through those items one at a time eating all oranges and discarding everything else.
MATLAB: In order to pass the segments into your mouth, you create a pointer to the orange. Upon closer inspection, the pointer is actually a box containing both the orange and a meaningless memory address scrawled on a piece of paper.
Mathematica: You begin by cutting into the orange at the stem. Steven Wolfram slaps you across the face. You try cutting into the orange at the base and he seems satisfied. Then you start to peel away the skin from left to right. Steven Wolfram slaps you across the face again. You try peeling from right to left, and this appears to please him. Breaking a segment from the orange, you nervously place it into your mouth. You are shocked to discover that it is in fact a slice of pear. Steven Wolfram knees you in the groin.
>You tell all your friends about your orange.
this applies for the entirety of /g/
Embedded C: In your world, oranges are all subtly different from each other, each with different numbers of vesicles, stems attaching the orange to the tree at odd positions, specific vesicles which explode, and so on. If you try to eat two oranges in the exact same way, you will probably make a mess and get orange juice all over yourself. Sometimes you consult the datasheet for the orange and find out that you don't have time to learn how to eat the new orange, or that it doesn't meet your nutritional requirements to begin with. Sometimes your client tells you to turn an orange into an apple.
Your adviser wants you to adapt this legacy device from the 80s that (supposedly) peels and cuts apples so that it cuts oranges instead, since that's all the rage in the field now. There's no documentation except a few cryptic comments on post-it nodes stuck to the device, and anyone who had remotely any idea how to operate the device has long since graduated.
Six months later you've found out that, not only can you not make the device peel oranges, but the device never peeled apples properly either.
After two more years of dead ends, bug fixing, and some really awful all nighters, you get the device to peel and cut an orange, but only on Tuesdays at 2:00 am, and only on deformed off-brand oranges that have been painted green. You immediately publish your findings and start going to conferences to give talks on what you've done.
After you graduate you're turned down from any job due to 'over-qualification and lack of relevant experience.'
Brainfuck: You smash the orange to pulp with a hammer, look at it and decide that you'd rather be eating apples instead.
You have a box of oranges, they're a bit old, but good despite the lack of juicyness. After failing to get your friends interested in the oranges you offer them, you play on their insecurities and draw an anime girl face on an orange and throw it to them.
Oranges are suddenly very popular, and everyone throws around the moe-ified oranges, but very few people actually eat them.
MATLAB: You have your orange and you try to find out how to eat it. You find an orange eating process that does exactly what you want it to, but it requires your orange to be seedless. You find a seed removal process, but it turns your orange into a pulpy mass.
You painstakingly make your own process to turn your pulpy mass into a seedless orange by slowly reconstructing it on a molecular level.
You can finally eat your orange with the original process you found. A week later you take a picture of your shit and carefully label all the parts that came from the orange and post it on facebook.
Prolog: You think about a non-deterministic solution to the problem of eating an orange and end up inserting shit into your rectum. A few hours later, an orange emerges from your throat.
SQL: It turns out you forgot to sanitize the orange and when you ate it you also sold your house to a Russian hacker for a crate of vodka.
Object Pascal: You eat the orange as fast as C++, but doing half the work. Later your boss presents you a truckload of oranges. You heard of all those nice orange-eating tools that may be useful, but unfortunately it turns out most of them are unavailable in your language. You end up using an old, sub-par tool, or painfully create a wrapper around the part of functionality you actually need.
C++: You look up the recipe on how to eat an orange. Each munch you take, you see that a portion of the fruit shop collapses. Later you open up the 500-page appendix to the orange-eating recipe and find out that basically every word and symbol inside the recipe has been overloaded. After a month of analysing the code, you realise you pretty much gave testicle cancer to everyone who has ever touched the orange.
In front of you is a fresh orange which you need to eat according to the wishes of someone else who only knows the idea of eating oranges but doesn't really know the actual process involved and whom you cannot interact with directly, you will need someone else, who interprets the ramblings of the orange client and writes down instructions for you for that, as well.
The eating of the orange is expected to be finished in two weeks, according to schedule and to each daily task set, which gets discussed at a watercooler each morning.
The first few days go swimmingly and, with the guidance of the mediator and the generated instructions, you managed to devise a method that takes off thin layers of orange by circling the orange and holding a sharp peeler like knife to it.
The mediator shows this to the orange client, who likes it, but has some few suggestions that he would like to see in the final method of eating the orange, like instead of running around the orange, you are to use a unicicle because it stands for evolve customized action-items and was used in other projects to cultivate leading edge orangeeservices.
The catch is that you also need to devise your own method of building and riding an unicyle after your mediator tells you the generic steps to do so, and despite that already threatening your two week deadline, it is still demanded to be included.
This cycle of feedback and implementation of methods continues for one more week, during which the client suggested so many changes that your unicycle should be rocket powered, the peeler being an array of highly trained sheep that gnaw the peel while being attached to a rotating wheel that lets every sheep gnaw for one second and the orange is now still an orange but the client would love it if the whole thing would feel like eating a banana because he saw that somewhere else and thinks fruit is fruit.
one day before deadline he cancels because he bought a prefab method from india.
You grab a ball. Using only your thumbs, you shape it into an orange. Next, you use some crayons to color it, and a toothpick to give it that orange-y texture. After completing your work, you dont eat the orange, but take many pictures of it with a complex and expensive camera+lights setup. You put the fake orange pictures in your portfolio and throw the fake orange away.
You see the orange and form an idea about eating one, you analyze it thoroughly, walk into a hardware store and buy a set of heavy, lead pipes and metallurgy tools.
You then smash out all of your teeth with the pipe and build a generic denture framework that has hot-swappable slots for sets of teeth that are specialized on eating certain fruit because you came to the realization that actually eating different kind of fruit is rather similar.
Sadly, you have only have an actual preparation method that applies to oranges alone for now, but since you don't want to be toothless whenever you're not eating oranges, you quickly hack together a device that presses other fruit into an approximation of an orange and make do with that for now, since as long as something edible comes out, you will survive.
Oh, and or course:
>Sadly, you have only have an actual preparation method that applies to oranges alone for now, but since you don't want to be toothless whenever you're not eating oranges, you quickly hack together a device that presses other fruit into an approximation of an orange and make do with that for now, since as long as something edible comes out, you will survive.
You then proceed to eat nothing but oranges forever anyway because it was your original idea and adding more fruit support would only add bloat anyway.
Both the orange and your digestive system is pure, self contained and flexible.
However you cannot eat the orange because putting it into your mouth is impure and shameful and you have to build a little orange input into digestion system tent of shame in which the eating must occur and you can only leave from the tent if you are able to go out and it is impossible to detect that the orange went past your teeth or your anus or any other place through your body into your digestive system.
If you manage this then you are allowed to keep and digest the nutrients but you are not allowed to excrete waste unless that too is doen in a tent of shame.
Your whole body, including every single cell that is part of it, even bacteria and co, is paralyzed and someone who will apply electric current to various parts of your body that are involved in the process of eating the orange will be doing so according to minute instructions you have prepared for them beforehand.
Erlang: Upon peeling the orange, you split the orange into its segments and attempt to eat them concurrently, but for some reason they're rock hard. You remember that the segments are immutable and instead replace the slices with chewed ones before finally being able to swallow them.
Python: You eat the orange in it's entirety. It is a good orange, and you eat it slowly enough to savor it. Then people tell you your orange eating method sucks because they can eat the orange much faster
Haskell: Instead of eating the orange directly, you imagine a universe where the orange has been eaten. A supernatural being makes the orange disappear in front of your eyes while you taste the juice.
Close parens maybe would (if you don't use whitespace to align shit and keep it clean) but if open parens are stacking up like that then you have bigger problems than just readability
You start out with a fairly simple loop to eat each orange slice. You soon see that you could generalize your orange object a bit more, so you generalize your orange into a few traits to model Fruit, Citrus, Color, Taste, Juicable until eventually your entire orange is just a lump of things that somewhat pertain to fruits mashed together. You then realize that instead of eating each slice individually, you could just fold the orange up into an incredibly small, squished orange and eat it in one bite. You do just that, but the orange never passes through your digestive track. Your body rejects the disgusting orange-like mass and you vomit. You proceed to hand your vomit to your boss as a finished project and tout it's capability to interact with people who eat oranges the Java way.
SQL: You ask the grocery store for an orange that is greater than a lime but smaller than a peach, that will fit into the mouth of all of the stores customers, that is seedless and that can be easily cut with the fruit knife on one of your tables at home.
The grocery store clerk asks you to wait and goes off in search for your orange. Seven hours later without any results, you get pissed off and tell him to stop searching. You tell him to rearrange the oranges so searching will take less time, and again set him off to search for the perfect orange. Three hours later, the clerk returns to tell you no such orange exists.
You painstakingly arrange your bodyparts into a configuration that will only eat oranges based on all the properties of the orange.
Once satisfied with your configuration you begit at one point of the room and work it through, mouthing every item in the room and if it matches your configuration then you *must* eat it, greedily until the object stops matching your configuration.
You do this until you have processed every position in the room.
It is not unusual for you to end up eating everything but the orange.
TRIGGER WARNING: Fat shaming, rape
C+=: You first check your thin and wealthy privileges, as well as your non-scurvy privilege, as healthy foods are too expensive. You ask the orange for permission to eat it, using sign language as well to avoid shaming oranges without hearing privilege. You peel the orange and eat it, and you swear you hear a muffled voice yelling "RAPE! RAPE! YES DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN YES!" from your mouth. The next day, you walk into your kitchen (check your housed and able privileges) to find that your fruit basket has organized a demonstration. All the fruits are peeled, and hold signs that say "This is what I was wearing when I was eaten. Tell me I was asking for it!" or "I need fruitism because the patriarchy cherishes its eating culture."
Your reach for the orange but as you want to bite into it you realize that you are actually holding a gun, which you shoot at wherever a floating arrow is pointing at.
You have no idea where the zombies have come from either but one of the female ones looks really sexy and has a pleasure bar over its head. When you peer at it to see if there is anything on it you can interact with, it's crotch is highlighted by a yellow rectangle, if you do it again its breasts are highlighted by the rectangle, doing it once more highlights the whole world. You decide to interact and are teleported to a room that is plastered with advertisements which distract you while an STD ridden barebacker fucks you in the ass and then steals all your money and credentials.
Assembly: The orange sits upon the table. Before eating the orange you carefully calculate each and every muscle movement you will make to pick up, peel, and eat the orange. After deciding on the best way to eat the orange you make the exact movements you've planned, moving the molecules in your body in the most precise of ways. You've made a single mistake, however, and forgot to account for leaks. Orange juice leaks into your airway and you begin to cough and sputter. As time goes by, more and more flows into your lungs and a piece orange peel you didn't peel off because of incompetence gets lodged in your throat and you, not making the precautions to handle errors, turn blue, fall on the floor and die.
Nobody cares about your death, because in the end, you were just an old man that wanted to eat an orange as fast as he could.
CUDA: You buy 10,000 oranges. You ship them to Taiwan along with exhaustive instructions on how to peel them and have them peeled by a huge team who were previously doing something totally unrelated to oranges, whose specialty is following orders. Their results depend entirely on the quality of your instructions.
HTML: You have an orange, it's inside your house, inside the kitchen and on the table. You can't do anything on it and you don't have an idea of how it's made.
CSS: You don't know if the orange exists, but you know that the orange is orange, on the table, aligned to the left, angled 18° in relation to the table and nothing around 5cm can touch it.
Python: You have an orange and you peel it. However, you only know how you did it and everybody else says you did it in a non pythonic way.
You try to buy the oranges from the cashier, but they insist on only accepting USD $. You find a piece of string in your pocket and bizarrely the cashier takes the string and gives you your oranges and 12 dollars change. The orange comes with 3 different sets of instructions, each with a slightly different way of eating the orange but the end result is the same. You briefly skim over each of the instructions, think fuck it, how hard can it be to eat an orange? You take the orange and start sliding it up your anus, ignoring the notice that says you probably shouldn't be doing it that way. You realize your mistake half way through, but it's too late and you can't get the orange out.
...You take your discovery into a company in an attempt to make money, but it turns out that the molecular reconstructor you used actually is hideously expensive and therefore makes the entire operation non-viable.
You then go about finding a better way to peel the orange without pulping it, all the while reminiscing about how easy it was with the reconstructor and moaning about how none of the tools you've used since are as good.
An orange flavored cock flies into your rectum and goes all the way through you system until it reaches your tongue.
You rub your belly, going "mhhhhhhhmm" at the delicous orange taste and feel full and satisfied and everybody is commenting on the sleek, alumininium funnel you installed in your ass to make your body compatible with the fruit.
Powershell: You find an orange, however upon closer inspection it's really just a peanut wrapped in orange cotton wool. When you try to peel it, it explodes, leaving orange juice everywhere. The peanut laughs at you. The orange juice smells like piss.