You get to go back in time and have sex with one historical figure of your choosing. Who do you pick?
Me, I'd go for Theodora I.
I'd masturbate to Theodora, but I wouldn't touch with two condoms on my junk
>>She never succumbed to these transports; for she often went to a supper at which each one paid his share, with ten or more young men, in the full vigour of their age and practised in debauchery, and would pass the whole night with all of them. When they were all exhausted, she would go to their servants, thirty in number, it may be, and fornicate with each one of them; and yet not even so did she quench her lust. Once she went to the house of some great man, and while the guests were drinking pulled up her clothes on the edge of the couch and did not blush to exhibit her wantonness without reserve. Though she received the male in three orifices she nevertheless complained of Nature for not having made the passage of her breasts wider, that she might contrive a new form of coition in that part of her person also.
>>She frequently became pregnant, but as she employed all known remedies without delay, she promptly procured abortion. Often, even on the stage, she stripped before the eyes of all the people, and stood naked in their midst, wearing only a girdle about her private parts and groin; not because she had any modesty about showing that also to the people, but because no one was allowed to go on the stage without a girdle about those parts. In this attitude she would throw herself down on the floor, and lie on her back. Slaves, whose duty it was, would then pour grains of barley upon her girdle, which trained geese would then pick up with their beaks one by one and eat. She did not blush or rise up, but appeared to glory in this performance; for she was not only without shame, but especially fond of encouraging others to be shameless, and often would strip naked in the midst of the actors, and swing herself backwards and forwards, explaining to those who had already enjoyed her and those who had not, the peculiar excellences of that exercise.
Augustus' daughter was apparently a massive slut so I'm gonna say her.
Saint Olga is the qtest of the horrifying female tyrants.
>she nevertheless complained of Nature for not having made the passage of her breasts wider, that she might contrive a new form of coition in that part of her person also
from the wording that definitely doesn't just sound like a titwank
>You will never be a Greek hero who makes Dido fall in love with you.
>you will never stroke that beard
We would opera and chill and gossip about how those smelly fucking marxists are garbage
>trying to fuck some plain-jane from the French countryside
>wouldn't even be able to tell it was a woman most of the time
Fucking her would be like sticking your dick in a bocage, anon.
On topic, but I'd hit Lucrezia Borgia. Macaroni Tony's would shank me the morning after, but we all have to die sometime.
Just thinking about how ripe she must smell under all those clothes and makeup really peaks my pecker.
She can mount my stallion[spoiler]it's actually a shetland pony[/spoiler
>not her infinitely more intelligent mother
questionable taste anon
I forget the name of that source, but I'm pretty sure most scholars discard it as the standard fare of political shit-talking. Same as the whole "Catherine the Great fucks horses" business.
You guys better dig out some more qts or these threads are going to more repetitive than Flanfly.
Yes, it's Procopius shitposting. But it's also him writing up what he could not do in official writings, mostly court rumours, so there's probably also some truth on them. As in, she was probably half as lustful as your average male monarch.
She was also an actress when she was young, a job associated with prostitution.
>tfw you can't go back in time and stop dirty english men from raping your waifu
Is there any famous muslim women at all pre Industrial age?
aisha, wife of muhammad and daughter to abu bakr, contributed to a lot of early islamic thought and led troops at the battle of the camel, named so because chroniclers at the time didnt want to associate the battle with her name directly
all schools of islamic thought dont really like to talk about her in anything approaching a good light though
She was nothing but a cheerleader. A cheerleader who was on the front lines and as such is braver than me and many other shit posters but still a cheerleader
[spoiler]Would sodomize though[/spoiler]
In his maid outfit he wore running away from the english...
it's less for strictly religious reasons and more just a disdain for her political actions during the first fitna. looking at something with reason and rationality doesnt really change the fact that she opposed ali and was a powerful woman in her own right, so beyond more modern feminist examinations its mostly a range from 'disdainful support' to 'open hatred'
It's mostly bullshit cooked up by Procopius, who was really disillusioned with Justinian and he didn't like Theodora cus she probably said something snarky about him (and because she was an upjumped courtesan in a very conservative society)
Imagine having Alfred the Great as your father-in-law.
Besides, not every woman can claim they BTFO the vikings more than once.
I dunno if you could call them cowtits but
>Joan’s female sexuality inevitably became part of the chemistry that drew men to her -- but in a way that was the opposite of the norm. Her squire d’Aulon helped her into her armor every day that she was in the field and it was he who dressed her wounds. He testified that he often saw her naked legs and breasts and that". . . she was a young girl, beautiful and shapely. ..’ D’Alençon said ". .. I slept with Joan and the soldiers ‘on the straw,’ and sometimes I saw Joan get ready for the night, and sometimes I looked at her breasts, which were beautiful."
Here's the follow up passage to that:
>De Metz testified that though he slept on the ground right next to Joan he “was in such awe of her that I would not have dared go near her; and I tell you on my oath that I never had any desire or carnal feelings for her.” Yet, only a little bit later in his testimony, he proclaimed “....I was on fire with what she said, and with a love for her which was, as I believe, a divine love.” Jean Barbin testified that “The soldiers considered her a saint.” It is no great stretch to suggest that: When young men encounter a beautiful woman who has won their respect to an extraordinary degree, their usual sexual lust may become sublimated into a devotion and loyalty that is passionate but chaste. Joan had the power to make thousands of armed men love her, not as an object of romantic desire but as the living focus of their hunger to serve a higher cause. Whenever Joan rose in her stirrups to shout “Let all who love me—follow me!” over all the din, she was exploiting a special relationship between leader and led that is unique in all history. Ultimately, it was this astonishing ability of Joan’s to make an army of soldiers chastely love her—to the point that they would willingly face death in battle for her—that empowered her to bodily shove history into a new path.
I wonder if he ever stroked it to her.
Fuck man, if I could draw some Joan of Arc porn, I would.
Daily reminder that this miaphysite bitch ho got FUCKIN CHECKED by Pope Agapitus I when he DEPOSED THE FUCKIN PATRIACH OF CONSTANINOPLE who was also a miaphysite.
Elagabalus the first ever trap
>According to Cassius Dio, his most stable relationship seems to have been with his chariot driver, a blond slave from Caria named Hierocles, whom he referred to as his husband.
>The Augustan History claims that he also married a man named Zoticus, an athlete from Smyrna, in a public ceremony at Rome. Cassius Dio reported that Elagabalus would paint his eyes, epilate his hair and wear wigs before prostituting himself in taverns, brothels, and even in the imperial palace:
>Finally, he set aside a room in the palace and there committed his indecencies, always standing nude at the door of the room, as the harlots do, and shaking the curtain which hung from gold rings, while in a soft and melting voice he solicited the passers-by. There were, of course, men who had been specially instructed to play their part. For, as in other matters, so in this business, too, he had numerous agents who sought out those who could best please him by their foulness. He would collect money from his patrons and give himself airs over his gains; he would also dispute with his associates in this shameful occupation, claiming that he had more lovers than they and took in more money.
>Herodian commented that Elagabalus enhanced his natural good looks by the regular application of cosmetics. He was described as having been "delighted to be called the mistress, the wife, the queen of Hierocles" and was reported to have offered vast sums of money to any physician who could equip him with female genitalia.
>you will never be called "le beu anon" by her
>she will never overlook your alleged rape and murder of children
>you will never save her
Sappho of Lesbos.
Bitch thought men wasn't good enough for her? I would love to give that grandmother of all feminists taste of raw masulinity.
For the patriarchy!
Welp, I know my answer. I was gonna say Boudicca, but I cannot deny wanting that sweet Knight Pussy.
Just like Justinian was an actual demon who would make his head disappear and never slept right?
It's full of shit, nothing but slander. It's great though, because as a historical document it shows how butthurt rich bureaucrats like Procopius were that Justinian was taking their money to fund his wars.
>Fucking her would be like sticking your dick in a bocage, anon.
>obbessed with writing in shitty attic greek to the point that he has to spend paragraphs explaining new non-attic greek words
>got butthurt and shitposted a lot because he couldn't get his dick wet
>no one really takes his butthurt ramblings seriously and just finds them amusing to read for how stupidly over the top they are
I forgot about this girl: saw her in a WWII YouTube video a long time ago and I remember pausing the video to check her out more.
No, but that didn't stop him from banging Marilyn Monroe
>Chapter 18: How Justinian Killed a Trillion People
i dont need to go back, she is still pretty good
>you knock up eve before Adam
>come back to present time
>every human on earth is now your child
She lived in Versailles...and that place smelled like shit 364 days a year. Everyone shat behind curtains and staircases because there were no toilets except for in the Royal Couple's private chambers.
Get rich, get comfy, get fat.
He wasn't short for the time though. That's most likely English propaganda or perhaps a misunderstanding brought about by his nickname of mysterious origin (The Little Corporal).
I'd probably be to Cesare what Manolo was for Tony Montana, I would be his best friend while secretly fucking Lucrezia. Even if he killed me it would have been totally worth it, I would even feel pride to be killed by one of the greatest historical fiigures ever.
Eva Braun, just so I could kek Hitler.
The neck beard is a turn off, but holy shit he must've been a tiger in the bed.
>ywn dress him up in a sexy french maid uniform and smash his boypussy.
>not in her WW2 uniform
Is that what they mean by "close your eyes and think of England"?
What a filthy fucking bitch, god damn. Amazing.
>she nevertheless complained of Nature for not having made the passage of her breasts wider, that she might contrive a new form of coition in that part of her person also.
Was she just wishing she was busty enough to titfuck, or did she actually want to take dicks in her nipples?
Just imagine Procopius in a dark lonely room writing this with one hand while furiously jerking his tiny limp dick with the other
Really it depends on the date, the season and the tribe for bathing, some groups were better then others, while others were pretty stank.
> That sensation when I have no desire to have sex with anyone and I just want to die in battle fighting for them when the world was a much simpler place.
mfw sometimes you just want to shove your dick down Cleopatra's throat.
Medieval histories include some insane shit, of course corroborated by nobody. Martin of Tours writes about a sixth-century heretic who proclaimed himself to be Jesus and nearly took over all of France before his execution.
this dude of course
wouldn't be any other way than to go down on a Bulgar like him
Actually in certain parts of the Islamic world there is a long tradition for women to be shaven and wash themselves with bidets.
If you wanted to have a good fuck the best place would be to go to an ottoman harem