ITT we swat-proof a house, nothing outright malicious because I want to see how crafty you are
>marbles on the floor
>strobe lights everywhere
>snakes hanging from ceiling fans
ever try breaching a door going 65mph?
check and mate
Just one they'd eventually break down.
Better yet, do like 10 layers of those progressively getting narrower and harder to fit into as you go along until they're forced to remove their gear to fit through the <1 foot opening.
Hang several hundred Neodymium Magnets from the ceiling at varying heights.
>swat guy runs in
>all his metal stuff is covered in dozens of magnets that are very hard to remove
Hell, you might even be able to cause their guns to jam.
>Just one they'd eventually break down.
once they enter your house you start shooting them, then after the raid is aborted you peacefully surrender to whatever standoff unit arrives thereafter. your actions will have been justified under castle law.
At the end of a hallway, a large room. The door opens into the large room......
first floor has a break away floor. anyone who steps on it breaks through into a ball pit 20 feet blow with no way out unless you got rope or ladder.
Attic ladder in the garage and a false wall provide access to the second floor and finished attic space, you will actually live in.
A camera system so that you can watch the fun. Low resolution FLIR on the cameras to track people. Sliding bars over archways so that you can secure yourself. Panic buttons, and automatic detection of the door being broken.
Psychological devices: strobe lights, distracting moving lights (like a disco ball), human-shaped balloons, fog, body-tracking laser pointers, gunfire sounds, ambient sound, voice recordings of people talking/shouting/etc.
Tear gas. Trip wire. A system in the vents to fill the entire room with the smell of vomit combined with recording of people vomiting so that all the SWAT puke in their face masks.
>Not having compressed cast iron tempered steel bars on your windows
get a Kilo submarine and turn it into a house boat.
small enough to major rivers and lakes too.
Fill balloons with hydrogen. Cover balloons with magnified metal bits. Make sure they're just heavy enough to fall. Put them in a balloon-drop cage. Put an electric heating element somewhere around chest level. They enter, balloons fall, everybody is in by the time the balloons reach chest level. KABOOM
>walls covered with mirrors a-la Enter the Dragon
>Jefferson Airplane "White Rabbit" playing in ceiling speakers
>ceiling and floor gradually grow close to eachother in hallway, arriving at a 3-foot tall door like in Willy Wonka
>Inside the door is a room filled with childhood photos of your local SWAT team members
>You've photoshopped yourself into each photo
>You're Santa, they sit on your lap
>You're their mother and father in family photos
>You're their family dog
>After they've been in the room for a few seconds, the music stops and the lights go out
>Pressure sensitive panels in the floor make a cartoony honk noise every time they take a step
>Mannequin holding a nerf gun spray painted black
>Chest hollowed out and filled with tannerite
>Floor is completely covered in marbles and lubricant
>Rig several floorboards near doorways to break when stepped on, blocking the door and trapping the operative
>Several rooms full of mannequins and mirrors
>Blinding strobe lights through the entire house
>Explosive mannequin in a dark room right off the bat
>Speakers begin playing noises such as floorboards creaking and doors opening and closing, as well as hushed voices
>Then, strobe lights turn on and incredibly loud noises start playing (such as the humming of mosquito wings or nails on a chalkboard), as well as human and porcine shrieking
>At that point, they should reach the marbles and lubricant
>Rig buckets of pig blood to spill from above doorways when walked through
>Lights turn out for a few seconds when they walk in a room, and disturbing images are projected onto a wall when they turn on
Maybe put bags of blood inside the mannequins, so the troopers get covered in blood after each explosion, making them wonder if they or any of their team mates have been hit by shrapnel? PTSD for everybody
I live in an office. So one of those fire proof silver firemen suits, breathing aparatus, fill sprinkler system with jet fuel, when they get thru the door, use a remote to block their escape with a drop down 11 ton steel door, light a match, go thru my secret exit.
I originally meant only one or two explosive mannequins, to keep them on edge and screw with them.
>Artificial pig carcasses hanging in closets
>Mannequins are all dressed differently, some are dressed like families, some are dressed like cavemen, some are completely naked, and some are partially dismembered
>Chloroform sprays into the point man's face when they walk through a doorway
>The same thing happens when they open closets, only with strange and/or images on the walls of the closet
there's a disturbing lack of dragon dildos in this thread.
>not having a magnetized baby to catch incoming grenades
this has been proven to work folks
Buy an Atlas silo.
>Hidden high in the Adirondack Mountains.
>One dirt road in poor condition leading to the compound
>little sign that says “ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE”
>rotting livestock corpses
>fixed M53’s, placed several hundred yards down the path.
>motion sensors let loose a burst when tripped
>SWAT deviates to the woods
>trip wires everywhere
>some do nothing
>some play spoopy audio clips
>some wired to rigged crossbows, always just off target
>have one guy within the SWAT unit payed off to act strangely, in a very vague manner.
>Says “I wouldn’t worry about it” at the end of every appropriate sentence.
Forest opens up into clearing around the base
>now the hell begins
>pressure activated incendiaries in the ground
>pillar of flame
>pack of famished, feral, high on hallucinogen baboons; release them
SWAT somehow makes it to the entrance of the base
>Holy blast door batman!
>Entire thing is an electromagnet
>SWAT gets stuck to the door
Qui-Gon was in the unit, lightsabers the door open…
>it’s dark as fuck
>Entire stairwell is coated in lard
two flights down, another, albeit smaller, blast door
>opens without resistance
>in the main living area
>pony stuff everywhere
>pony sex dolls
>smells like fat people sex
>fondue fountain full of molten Vaseline
>taking in the 70’s décor, and the pony stuff.
>nuggets against the wall, the bolts all have a bit of feces smeared on them
Continuing into the missile tube, 1st floor.
>blinding white, so much light.
>hidden loudspeakers playing whispers increasingly loudly
they’re in your head man
>one wall has six doors
>they all open to nothing, just concrete
>actual entrance to next room is a mirror on a hinge
>covered in duct tape residue, slide on that, bitches
>arrive at the bottom, seemingly empty room
>pole has heating element in it, it turned on
>shit burns yo
>trapdoor in the floor opens after a few minutes
>ball pit full of snakes
>big ol sign by a blast door with a comically small keyhole
“key is in the pit, it also looks like a mouse, so you may have to search the snakes too.”
>vents begin to pump in weed smoke
They find the key, are high as fuck, open the door
>exact replica of the oval office, except with a plate full of cosmic brownies on the desk
Those who made it this far, no longer give a fuck
Head out the only door in the office
>as the team progresses, they realize this is an escape hatch
>reach the end, ladder to the surface
>climb the ladder
>reach the hatch
“thank you, but our princess is in another castle!”
Wrong address all along!
Better yet all the livestock corpses can be put on pikes for display, just have rows and rows and rows of rotting corpses, hell, even stick the mice and rats on pikes, if you plink the crows put them on pikes too, the stench will repel the invasion.
>allow SWAT entry team to enter and disperse into a few different rooms
>room 1: hallway: doors close, walls slowly move together, crushing any in the room
>room 2: "living room": ceiling is rigged with sprinkler system that emits propane, small spark sets whole room ablaze, burning any inside (steel doors block any exits, walls made of high-grade steel)
>room 3: staircase: once you open the door and enter the room, there is a small area at the bottom of the stairs where victims will be trapped, as the door closes behind them. hundreds of gallons of raw sewage floods the room, drowning all.
>room 4: the "i seen shit" room: door closes behind people who enter. high pitched dubstep (like in the chorus of wild for the night-skrillex/A$AP rocky) plays on repeat, strobe lights flashing at unimaginable speeds, sprinklers on the ceiling spray pure ayahuasca in liquid form. SWAT team starts tripping out. install scary-ass animatronics of clowns, mutilated people, etc. along with blood curdling screams of grown men blasting from the speakers. all sounds stop, lights turn off in room. release a swarm of locusts into the room. keep them trapped inside until you can escape the house, letting them be "rescued" eventually.
>room 5: the "old god's" room: doors close behind people, deep voice booms from speakers, "WHO DARES DISTURB THE ANCIENT SANCTUARY OF LORD MOLOG BAL? YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED!" EMP detonated in room, rendering their radios useless. room is completely dark, by the way. flashbang detonated, swarm of flesh-eating scarabs released into room. whoever comes to clean out the house will discover piles of bones and a note that says "rekt"
>SWAT team enters house
>Steel door slides shut in place of the beaten-down doors
>Members of team look at eachother
>Projector screen unrolls on the wall in front of SWAT team
>Scene in Boy in the Striped Pajamas where the kid goes into the gas chamber starts playing
>Small metallic *ping* is heard by team
>Zyklon-B gas floods the house, killing all.
>Second SWAT team about to breach the wall
>House rigged to explode upon breach
>House explodes into huge cloud of Zyklon-B
>Zyklon-B molecules become self-aware
>Spirit of Adolf Hitler commands the molecules
>Gas now only kills Jews, turns all others into Nazis
>Earth enslaved by the gaseous form of Adolf Hitler
Jew proofs your home, too. Nothing like killing two birds with one stone
>snakes hanging from ceiling fans
LOL... ok that got me.
Pretty much what I wrote in the home def. thread. Hardened doors with 4 inch steel screws in the hinges. Strike plate/hinge reinforcement kit. Door club installed. Dead bolt with reinforced 4 inch screws (no brainer there). Metal-clad door. Security screen door installed. This applies to the rear door of the house too. All windows and patio doors have hurricane screens installed.
Security cameras with infrared installed, running on back-up batteries that will last at least ten minutes so you can see them coming and where they're at. Panic room that is disguised so nobody can find it.
I like the strobes and marbles on the floor idea, too. Maybe a few 180dB sirens installed for good measure. There are home security fog machines you can install as well, that will fill the house with the same kind of glycerin-based fog you find at concerts and clubs.
So yeah, insanely difficult to gain entry, dangerous once you do, blinding, and ear-splitting to navigate. Not a good candidate for shitty swat teams expecting a cake walk.
A glass house with motion-sensitive lighting beginning in the yard, and thorough security cameras with their own power source and that upload to a secure server.
I don't think SWAT would ever raid such a house.
>Can't sneak up on it
>Every detail of what they do will be recorded
>Not rigging explosives at the front door. This is the tried and true method anons!
>becoming immune to that shit
>not becoming more sensitive to it with each exposure
I don't think you know how poison ivy works.
You were probably either immune to it from the start or what you thought was poison ivy wasn't.
multiple "alarm mines" set at common non-door points in the house + strobes to lower the visibility of fishing line.
If I don't design a weapon so effective that when I'm gone my wife spends her entire life and my entire fortune building crazy bullshit to ward off the vengeful spirits of the millions of people my guns have killed, I didn't really live.
Microwave magnetrons together with capacitor and transformer mounted in walls
or some kind of oversized induction forge
high voltage could be used in many ways
but if pigs did disconnect electricity it would be useless
propane tanks even empty would scare fuckers with only a bit of smell
> kerosene sprinkler system covering the yard, doors, and windows. Activated remotely when the breach team nears their entry point of choice.
Nobody wants to clear a house while covered in flammable liquid.
bubble wrap under the carpet.
du hast playing non stop?
>tasers built into walls so that when they stack up or bump the wall they get shocked
I know a guy who's expert with these kind of projects.
Doors with hinges on the top
Rugs covering large openings to ball pits
IR strobe lights on a back up generator/battery, paint words like "LEAVE" or "TURN BACK" in IR reflective paint on the walls.
Entire hallway with fishing line and hooks hanging from the roof
Doors that look like fire exits that are painted on the walls
Mannequin room, nuff said
A room that is a recreation of a kill house
All while the sounds of barnyard animals fucking is blasting over speakers hidden behind pictures.
How are you supposed to live in these houses if they are turned into anti-swat deathtraps?
What about a revolving door like in malls, but made of metal and armor plated?
It can only let one person in at a time no matter what. You can't see through it easily, and it seems if you took the time to reinforce it, that it'd be stronger than a regular door.
Then you just need to reinforce the walls and windows and your set.
Front and back door floors covered in lube. Anything in reach is also covered in lube so they can't get their balance.
Key to this mission is that you yourself are naked and lubed to show that you are not hiding any weapons.
Cameras in every room to record police brutality.
>marbles on the floor
What is looking for items on the floor such as tripwires and in this case, marbles
What is dragging your feet so you don't step on and slip from the marbles
>strobe lights everywhere
What are we trying to do, make our house SWAT-proof or a club?
>snakes hanging from ceiling fans
Now you're going insane.
ITT: /k/ helps a pedophile who has 3 girls locked up in his basement
Some sort of motion activated device that would play gunfire sounds would be horror house level bad. Also strings or chains strung up in main entry points would certainly slow people down. Attach bells to the strings,etc. also a room full of vibrating dildos suspended by string would be tactical as fuck. mirrors,smoke,strobes, bouncy balls,marbles, you name it. I hope we're defending something really good with all this bullshit you guys are thinking of.
Hypothetically of course.
i wonder if inverting the rooms would get to be disorienting. put carpet on the walls, screw/bolt furniture to the walls, put art and doors on the floor, or flip it upside down so that there is like 2 or 3 feet of wall before the upside down doorway
Me and my grandmother were discussing the Home Alone franchise earlier, and I swear this type of thread is exactly what i had in the fringe of my mind as we spoke about his(cant remember his name in the moviess...) shenanigans. Tar on the floor, remove shoes. Broken christmas ornaments immediately after that. lulz
mirrors behind every door. They kick open a door and there's a dude pointing a gun at them every time!
Behind each mirror place rows of silly string cans. Each time they shoot a mirror SILLY STRING EVERYWHERE.
>inflatable squeaky hammers that swing down and smack your face
>blacked out, metal revolving doors that force them to bottle neck into the next room
>paintings of sad clowns with flower lapels hooked to high pressure water pumps
>rubber ball auto turrets
>Mannequins all over that have guns amd look like people with the guns being hooked to an automated trigger. They have realistic sounds but instead of bullets flags that say bang come out.
>Used condoms on door handles
>Skrillex and erasure being played and 95db in the basement
>doors with two door handles on them
>floor is littered with shit
> Doors with dildos as. Doorknobs
>doors that open into another door
>open air stool samples in petri dishes shelved and scientifically cataloged by date, time, and stomach contents.
>vats of frier grease that have been left out for weeks and are filled with fly larvae
>taxidermy animals with hollow eye sockets
>piles of bones from cattle and other animals
Do this idea, except make the rotating door have one entrance and no exit. Blast music outside and put up a faraday cage too. One to three pigs in, zero pigs out.
Or do a drop floor under the second segment, for teh lulz
A door that opens to a foot or two of balistics gel and another door at the other side.
A tiping or rotating plank hidden under a rug that deposits one or two of them in the basment and then closes and locks, combined with other traps maybe one could separate all of them so they are alone in this house of "fun".
I liked the singing bass idea. Put so many of them in your house that they line the walls and with every step they take a new bass starts singing. Lining the walls so much that they are from head to toe in height.
>Place an empty/filled halfway with water propane canister by front and back doors.
>Cell phone, wires, and various electronics attached to can.
>All just to power a small red LED that blinks.
>One steel cable, running from can, screwed into door.
>Fake surveillance cameras over cans.
>Molon Labe painted on each can.
They wouldn't touch the place for hours. This will buy me enough time to contact their superiors and convince them it's the wrong fucking house, and/or negotiate my peaceful surrender.
How about smoke detectors with constantly almost dead batteries?
>Still living in houses
>Not living in an olympic sized swimming pool filled with Bad Dragon Cum Lube.
>Not living off oxygen tanks at first, only to slowly wean back on the covalently bonded jew
>Eventually your body adapts to breathe only industrial strength imitation human ejaculate
>Your domicile is now an unimpregnable fortress of wonderful, slippery solitude
>Reinforce door frame with steel, badass hinges, solid-core steel-clad door, a shitload of deadbolts, and a burglar bar
>Windows are double-paned plexiglas and have steel storm shutters
>Cooking oil and marbles all over the floor
>Treble fishing hooks hanging from the ceiling at just the right level to snag on clothing and gear, hundreds of them
>Those boobytraps you can order online that fire 12-gauge blanks or pepper blast rounds, rig one on every single door and window
>Strobe lights in every room
>Air raid siren wired to motion detectors
>Disco ball in living room
>Wireless HD cameras in every room
>Cardboard cutouts of various movie actors pointing guns placed in strategic positions
>Rent a room from your neighbor and laugh so hard you piss yourself while watching the cops expend ridiculous effort breaking into your room, stumble-fucking around, and shooting a bunch of cardboard movie stars in a pissed-off panic
>Upload the video to youtube and gain a million hits
Lower the floor of a hallway about three feet to create a "trench" effect.
Fill with mcdonald playland pit balls.
Light hallway with two violent strobe lights at each end, and a mechanical disco ball in the center.
Use giant steel reinforced doors. Steel automatic shutters for the windows. Place signs around the perimeter stating that there's explosives inside.
They'll be forced to wait till you run out of food/water.
What about a rotating fortified door that also rotates downward? Like a screw. They'd scope out the house and plan their attack but little do they know that the door takes you down to the hidden basement
>Swat Team in heavy ass tac gear comes into my house.
>Little do they know the evil that exists within.
>For months I have been training my body to withstand extreme heat.
>Turn furnace on full blast,
>Space heaters everywhere.
>6 electric ovens on full blast with the doors open.
>Inside temperature: 150 degrees.
>Now here's the fun part guiz....
>Melted chocolate and crayons all over the floor.
>String,bricks,false walls,glue floor. Anything to keep them in the house for a while.
>Over loudspeakers,nothing but extremely loud christmas music and.
>SWAT kick door down
>run into my oil slick and fall
>run up stairs only to step on rusty nails
>at top of stairs is trip wire linked to a crude explosive
>lone survivor finds me standing up stairs in a robe with my turgid cock out as Goodbye Horses plays
>"You're move Mr Lawman."
Floors. That tilt down and away from doors, covered in lube at a 45 degree angle. Floors made of rollers/ conveyor belts. Staircases are escalators, or have xboxheug steps, like 5 feet tall. And entire room full of those hippies beadon string door covers, with a floor made of random patchwork wood on bungee cables, leading to a lower room. Rope courses and playground slides
My workplace had rollers on the floor, my god it was a nightmare I couldn't imagine if there was angled rollers, hell I'd probably just kill myself so I wouldn't have to breach the house.
huge log cabin inna woods road is blocked by huge pile of logs and random garbauge and scarp metal basicaly too much for them to move quiclky so they have to approch through the woods, bear traps, bear traps everywhere. rigged black powder rifles and shotguns set to fire at about chest level rigged up in the woods, half skinned animals all over the place, more rigged guns aimed at all the doors when they finally find you dress in buck skins with lots of fringe and open fire with a pair of .36 caliber csa black powder pistols. if you manage to own the first team, skin them and stretch the hides out to tan, more teams will come, eventually you will die, but you will become legendary new age mad trapper, they'll probably write a book and a crappy movie about it.
How about a giant snaking hallway on an upwards slope that is stylized to look like cave wall, that has an entrance that auto-seals with a magnetic lock when people enter without first pressing a hidden button.
Savvy team members who notice the Indiana Jones music may panic earlier than the rest, but eventually a giant boulder will be launched down the hallway once they get halfway up. Their terror will subside when the boulder harmlessly bounces off someone and they realize it is actually filled with air.
Holy fuck guys. Could you imagine going against this thing?
>Sgt fuckface, who has raided many a laser chameleon den
>Sheds all his clothing on the walk up to the house
>only boots, Cigar, and Kabar are kept.
>says to squad "Gentlemen, If im not back in 5, Bomb this building to Hell"
>Proceeds to breach door with flashbang
>the last thing his squad saw of him was Breaching the door and fucking lasers Tearing the house to bits.
>JDAM dropped on the house after 5min 1sec.
stainless steel floors covered with grease and ball bearings
The inside of the house is completely empty. It is one giant open room.
In the center is a room with one door.
it is surrounded by empty space.
The room has motion detectors
Once the team has entered the room a metal door slides into place behind them and over the other doors.
The flooring is on magnetized hinges
when the door closes behind them the flooring drops.
This starts playing
They drop 3 feet into a pit of warm spaghetti
5 seconds later sprinklers turn on.
They spray spaghetti sauce all over the room.
>front door is reinforced but still breakable
>SWAT team breaks door down and rushes in
>a grenade launcher aimed at the doorway fires once a tripwire is triggered by the SWAT team rushing in
>the room is heavily booby traped, no wiindows, only another reinforced door
>SWAT team attempts to go through the walls, only to find that the walls are booby trapped with pressure sensors, anything that applies pressure to the walls like placing explosives on it causes explosives hidden in the walls to detonate
>behindthe reinforced door is a long hallway only big enough for a single man to go through
>remote controlled MG loaded with AP rounds is hidden at the end of the hallway
>Every floor is polished tile
>Every room has that barbie girl song on a staggered loop
>First few rooms are plastered with industrial grade baddragon cumlube
>Including door handles
>Entry team will have to crawl just to get anywhere at all
>Rooms form a concentric ring getting gradually smaller and higher in the building
>No stairs, just polished ramps
>Next few rooms are covered in glue and glitter powder
>Smoke machines and party poppers rigged to the doors
>corridors contain fans rigged to blow pink feathers into a hailstorm
>Final room contains nothing but a desk, a button, and an office chair upon which stands the biggest dragon dildo on the market in a barbie wig
>The button opens out a wall, revealing the hapless entry team to their comrades like a gameshow prize; covered head to foot in cum, glitter and feathers, resplendant in the shadow of their new sex toy patriach
>Fireworks and lazer strobes
>The actual saferoom is well concealed somewhere close to room #1