Hello lesbians of /lgbt/.
I came to you as a male looking for advice.
I recently discovered that my ex-girlfriend, who I was madly in love with as a teenager, is now living in a lesbian relationship.
Now, I'm in a relationship with a transgender, so I didn't think I had a homophobic bone in my body, but this whole situation just weirds me the hell out.
It just really disturbs me that I could know this person so intimately since childhood, a person who could be so popular with boys, and then see them switch orientations seemingly out of the blue.
When did you know you were gay? Was it a sudden realization or something you always suspected?
Do you know why I might be feeling this way? I admit it's part jealousy, but it just makes me feel emotions that I didn't think I had in me, it makes me uncomfortable, I feel like it's unnatural, and I can't justify these feelings in any way.
I can't even enjoy my Yuri folder now because my mind keeps replaying the conversations we had about it in my head.
I dated (and screwed) a lot of boys in highschool before I figured out I was gay. I figured it out my senior year of high school and am much happier now. You just gotta accept her and know that you don't "turn" gay. She always was, she just didn't realize it.
But why do you have to "figure out" that you're gay?
How could you not know what you were attracted to? This is what confuses me.
I know I'm attracted to girls, and I've always been attracted to girls, I never needed to try boys just to be sure.
>When did you know you were gay? Was it a sudden realization or something you always suspected?
I guess I always knew. Understand that this is different for everyone and that just because she's in a gay relationship doesn't make her gay. While she might have simply understood her orientation after your relationship, she might also be bi.
>Do you know why I might be feeling this way?
First time personally having to deal with that information, maybe? Maybe you still like her. I dunno, I'm not you. A psychologist would give you the tools to figure it out if it really bothers you.
At the end of the day though, here are my two main thoughts:
1. Lots of women get in relationships with guys when they're not attracted to them because they've been told that's what's right and they get crazy peer pressure to do it. There isn't as much space to explore your sexuality as people think there is.
2. It's none of your business who she's with. It might seem harsh put like this, but she's not your girlfriend anymore. That's in the past. There's no reason for her current relationship or her orientation to have any influence on your life. Maybe you're still attached.
I've already kind of answered this, but basically, you fit the mold. You're normal. Gay people are told their entire lives that boys like girls and girls like boys and it takes a pretty serious degree of introspection for some people to realize that the doctrine they've been taught doesn't apply to them.
orientation is a fetish like any other. Some people like butts. Some people like redheads. Some people like feet. Some people like drawings of girls made out of household appliances. Some people like the same gender.
Trangenderedism is more of a mental issue, like schizophrenia.
None of the above is to say anything is wrong or bad about it. It's just, really when you get down to it, what's going on.
>Gay people are told their entire lives that boys like girls and girls like boys and it takes a pretty serious degree of introspection for some people to realize that the doctrine they've been taught doesn't apply to them.
Maybe a good analogy would be this: take someone who's been brought up in a highly religious household. No negative connotation intended, but the kid's been indoctrinated by his or her parents' beliefs. In some cases every single other person around them shares those beliefs. For someone from such a religious background to begin doubting their teachings, it takes a metric boatload of harsh introspection and often results in a pretty serious degree of self-hatred and feelings of being inadequate or not belonging. not to mention that it takes a pretty serious push for them to even realize there's an alternative to their beliefs, right? Facing your sexuality, understanding it and accepting it, it's pretty much the same process.
But doesn't that imply that sexuality is taught?
Nobody taught me to like girls, I just do.
I would like girls if it was socially acceptable or not because that's just how I'm programmed.
If homosexuality is an orientation just the same, wouldn't you know that you were attracted to girls as soon as you were old enough to understand the implications?
>First time personally having to deal with that information, maybe?
It's the first time somebody close to me has come out the closet, so maybe that's a factor. It doesn't justify my homophobic reaction though, especially since I've had a lot of exposure to homosexuals from my transgender girlfriend's side. She has previously dated lesbians, and I don't have any reaction to that, yet for some reason this ex I've not spoken to in years dating another women freaks me out.
>It's none of your business who she's with.
Well no, I've not even seen her in years, we're not in a relationship anymore, it shouldn't affect me and she's obviously completely happy and open about it, however I'm still having this negative reaction and like I said, it's illogical, I can't justify it.
It really started in 5th grade fsr. I just started seeing girls in a different light. It popped back up from time to time in middle school. First two years or so of high school, I THOUGHT I was aromantic. I came to terms with it my junior year.
I think I can relate with your shock. There was this boy I rode the bus with, he was a year younger than me, real nice kid. I managed to reconnect with him on Facebook a while back, and not only is he gay now, he's apparently had sex. And it's fucking surreal because my last memory of him IRL is of him as a elementary schooler. After a while, the initial shock faded, but I feel like it's a lot bigger for you since she was your gf. Give it time and the feeling will hopefully fade away.
>But doesn't that imply that sexuality is taught?
>Nobody taught me to like girls, I just do.
But you were told you should like girls your entire life and it turned out to work for you. People, sometimes even into adulthood, follow what people say and do before thinking about what they want to do. This is especially true for children and possibly even more so for teenagers who have a lot of pressure to deal with from their peers.
>If homosexuality is an orientation just the same, wouldn't you know that you were attracted to girls as soon as you were old enough to understand the implications?
See, there's a difference between being attracted to something and knowing you're attracted to it. It's pretty easy for gay kids to initially just dismiss any possibility of being attracted to the same gender because they just never considered that option, y'know? Also, depending on her background, repression is also a possibility. If you're told your entire life that being gay is wrong and disgusting and that it's a choice, you'll force yourself to fit in the "right" mold. It's how humans function.
Yeah, exactly. Just give it some time, and (I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive) but don't think about it too much, you know? Maybe talk to her about it if you're still on amicable terms with her?
>But you were told you should like girls your entire life and it turned out to work for you.
Not really, my first memory of liking girls was when I was maybe 8 or 9 and I saw a female friend riding her bike wearing a skirt, and suddenly I realized that girls exist and I like them.
My upbringing was very sexually agnostic.
I just don't understand how, if you're not actually interested in men, you can relentlessly pursue them, I mean she wasn't a modest person to put it lightly.
We actually broke up because of her promiscuity.
Unless you lived under a rock far away from society, you were exposed to heteronormative standards from day 1, be it through the media, by seeing couples in public, your parents, etc. You don't need to have someone tell you every day "boys should like girls" for the message to be there.
>I just don't understand how, if you're not actually interested in men, you can relentlessly pursue them, I mean she wasn't a modest person to put it lightly.
>We actually broke up because of her promiscuity.
Again, she might be bi. Also, some people's orientation changes over time. It sounds crazy, but it happens. People's preferences can change.
But then which is it?
Is homosexuality something you're born with? Something that can develop over time? Something you can choose?
I know that I couldn't choose to be gay, and that I've liked girls for as along as I remember, so it's hard for me to imagine someone else's sexual orientation changing over time.
I apologize if I sound antagonistic but what you're saying conflicts with how people usually describe homosexuality.
It's not a choice. The key things to remember are:
1. Most people don't understand human sexuality. Even experts like sexologists, psychologists and neurologists are still trying to figure it out.
2. We don't know what causes it. Some theoretical factors are more or less static, like neurology which has studies to support its influence. Some others are more or less fluid, like hormonal balance. Lots of trans people report a change in orientation after hormonal therapy.
The bottom line is this: sexuality is all kinds of messed up and we don't have a clue how it works, why it appears to change, or what factors determine the final result. The only scientifically valid stance to take on this issue is to accept every new subject as a new point of data. If someone says their orientation changed, jot it down, accept it since you can't currently disprove it using any hard science.
I think there's been a misleading and toxic debate, primarily in the western world, about it being a choice or not. "Born this way" as a response to bigoted "lifestyle choices" being used as an argument to refuse rights to LGBT folk. It's definitely not a conscious choice, but the debate distracts from the truth: we have no control over it and nobody in the known world understands it fully.
Human sexuality is a really interesting subject if everyone involved keeps an open mind.
>How could you not know what you were attracted to? This is what confuses me.
Before I realized I was gay, I assumed I was straight like everyone else. I also assumed that guys were just naturally really ugly and we weren't suppose to say that out loud because it was mean. It took me a while to realize that most girls actually found them attractive.
When something has been presented as the gospel truth since you were a kid, you kind of internalize it and never think that anything could be anything different.
Basically this. Although with me it wasn't as "extreme". That is, I didn't find boys ugly and super gross. There have been kids back in my childhood whom I would have said I felt attracted to, but, knowing what I know now, I can say I simply found them to be good-looking and the idea of a relationship seemed nice.
It was only at 14 when I first felt actual sexual desire and that was towards a girl in my class. That's when I was first hit with the knowledge that until that specific moment, I did not know what attraction really was. I remember there was even a time as a kid when other girls would ask me which kind of guy I liked, and feeling like doing it because everyone else was, I'd look into the kinds of guys I would find attractive (or, better put: pretty to look at).
Looking back it really was pretty dull, and I don't blame it entirely on the fact that I'm gay, but also on the fact that I was simply an innocent kid. I did not know what love or sexual attraction was and when the time came for me to understand and feel those concepts, I had realized I liked girls.
I found myself to be a pretty normal person, 2 eyes, 1 nose, no physical deformities, gifted with intelligence, active and healthy.
>"Of course I'm not gay; I'm normal."
Because straight was "normal" and I was normal, I never thought about liking people of the same sex because, duh, I'm normal.
Because "gay" was vile and gross, even when I started to thinking about it, "Ugggh, no don't think about it."
It took me until I was seventeen to even start to be comfortable with homosexuality and then I just realized one night, "oh shit, that's why I'm not into girls."
I'm not gay, though. With more introspection, I realized I was just sexually repressed and I'm pretty close to the middle of the Kinsey scale (leaning toward homosexual).
>Tfw ex gf got with a guy
>Tfw can't enjoy my chinese cartoon porn anymore
It took a while before I got to get it on again with my shlicking ritual. Almost always made me barf to think that she's sucking random dicks every other day now.
Good thing I'm with a pure christian grill now.
OP It's okay. People fuck up a lot before finding someone to settle with. Just ignore the sluts along the way.
This. Before I really grew to develop a sexuality, I always just listened to "gay is gross" and "my husband is my best friend." I just assumed that you grew up and out of convenience found a friend of the opposite sex that you would live with the rest of your life and you never experienced feelings stronger than friendship ever. I mean, I started realizing that this was all wrong and really understanding what gay was with more exposure to gays and that special feeling I had around certain girls. I thought that was just how being hetero felt.
>I also assumed that guys were just naturally really ugly and we weren't suppose to say that out loud because it was mean. It took me a while to realize that most girls actually found them attractive
I also hung with super slutty girls that made sex with guys seem like some shit you did when you wanted things or for cool bonus popularity points, not because you actually felt love and joy and such shit around a guy. Plus I thought of dykes as these super aggressive butch girls, figured since I'm not super aggressive and butch I can't be gay. Then when I finally realized that duh I like girls and don't care for guys was when I had to think "oh, right that's what a lesbian is huh"
I've noticed a lot of the dudes I dated in hs thought a lot like OP when they learned I was gay. Even though I never slept with a guy I gained a bit of a reputation because I also never refuted it, just never cared to. Weird cause even though they say they totally know me I really don't feel like they did, given I never dated a guy longer than 2 months or really valued their friendship. The few friends I kept from hs that really did know me say they figured I was gay but just didn't wanna bring it up because either I wasn't ready or it didn't matter.
No guy thinks the girl he's dating is gay or just unattracted to him, hurts the ego. After they break up the guy still thinks "well sure she's not attracted now, but back then she was of course".
Like the worst shit I've seen straight girls tell their exes is to say that their dick was always too small. Seen that shit just destroy a guy for a second and eat at their brain. Guess because then the guy is thinking "oh man, she lied? she was never really attracted to me sexually? she was always faking it? is every girl possibly lying to me too? shit".
And I guess with realizing your ex is gay you feel that similar shit. Feel like she was never attracted to sexually or if at all and you're insecure now.
I didn't consider myself bi until I was a couple years out of highschool. I wasn't attracted to men, nor did I fantasize about them for years. One day guys started looking kinda hot and it weirded me out a little. I sorta repressed it for a year until I had a thought.
>Every time I masturbate, I'm cumming from a mans hand.
>ergo, a mans touch can be sexually pleasing.
and now I'm a fag
Girls generally aren't as sexual as boys. I liked other girls from a young age but I didn't recognize it as romantic, I was just seven years old and thought it meant it was fine to think other girls are pretty and want them as our friends. I hit puberty and realized I wanted to touch and kiss them. Before that, I just went with the flow. I wanted to fit in, to be cool, and that meant having an attractive boyfriend and wanting whatever adults told you to want. I was bummed out I didn't get excited about the things other girls did, I tried to hide it and say things I thought would cover my ass. But the point is, I didn't notice boys and I didn't really care. I didn't experiment with them because I'm stubborn and hate that people encouraged me to try them before I "was sure". Thank God for that. Times are hopefully changing and the next generation won't have to put up with the facades anymore.
>Trangenderedism is more of a mental issue
Direct hardwired into the reptile brain and not amenable to change. Treatment is to make the body fit the brain.
>We actually broke up because of her promiscuity.
She may have been trying to prove to herself she liked men. It is still possible to get a lot of pleasure out of an encounter even if you aren't sexually interested in the person.
I consider one's sexuality to be something that one finally discovers truth about. It's fixed, and always there. The person may initially think it is one way, but it may be another way in the end. It takes time, experience, and introspection for one to figure it out.
Different anon jumping in here.
> Direct hardwired into the reptile brain and not amenable to change. Treatment is to make the body fit the brain.
Indeed. Kind of a shame though, having that level of control over the brain would be rad as hell. One day though, both brain and body will be putty in our hands.
>I consider one's sexuality to be something that one finally discovers truth about. It's fixed, and always there.
I disagree on philosophical grounds. Nothing biological is ever that rigid. I'm probably being needlessly pedantic here but people change over time. My gender dysphoria went away over time because my brain finished developing and all the kinks got worked out.
> One day though, both brain and body will be putty in our hands.
doubt it. we probably have a century max of this golden age and then we're going back to the steam engine if we're lucky.
I think the situation bothers you because she was your ex-gf so you remember her being a straight girl, and now finding out she isn't is a huge shock to you. She's not the person you knew, that's why its weird to you. Probably has nothing to do with the lesbian thing. I bet if you found out she liked to go bungee jumping while snorting cocaine you would react similarly. You just didn't really know her as well as you thought.
There was this girl I knew, she slept with a lot of guys in highschool, even slept with my friends boyfriend. She was the straightest chick I knew. Then I met her at a soccer game a year ago, and she's engaged to a woman who she's been with for a long time. Shit was surprising, but I guess love is love.
>When did you know you were gay? Was it a sudden realization or something you always suspected?
Admitted I liked girls around 12-14, but I never thought too much about it because I was never that social and didn't have a lot of crushes anyways. I always suspected it ever since I was 8 years old when I had a crush on my best friend, but it took until 16 to put two and two together and realize that wanting to fug grills meant I was gay/bi.
I always "knew" I was into girls. Rather I would say that it wasn't until I got my girlfriends that I became aware that being attracted to your own gender was something others could be opposed to. My parents never really reinforced the speration of gender like boys toys and girls toys, it was just toys. I also grew up with a gay uncle so I was used to homosexuality not being something weird or different, he never acted coy about it.
Well, you know it is not unseen that a family man suddenly turns out to develop feelings for a man for the first time well into his 40s.
IMy assumption is that some people have always had the capacity but just never had ti "triggered" but I can see why some would make the conclusion that some people suddenly make a "switch" in orientation.
She's not into the pronouns bullshit, she's transgender so that's how I refer to her.
She's very level-headed for a transgender person and that's one of the reasons I respect her.
It actually makes me feel better about it to hear a comparable story. Maybe this isn't a freak occurrence and it happens more frequently.
I don't even really understand homosexuality yet, bisexuality is just another layer of insanity to this sexuality cake.