I don't have many people to talk to. I can't say I'm expecting nothing from spilling here; maybe I'm hoping for some interesting thoughts or similar experiences. I have a long history of issues, but here's the one that's been on my mind lately.
I don't have DID. I'm not sure what to think of myself. Perhaps I'm just some retard that likes to separate myself into pieces, but they will never fully break off; I'm John Carpenter's The Thing, faces joined at the hip.
I think I started to emulate DID as a boy, when I first heard about it. I think I've always had a thing for being ill, the recognition of my problems and perhaps the sympathy for it that I had been deprived of.
Anyway, I started to become unstable in 6th grade with bullying and my mother's death. I hated myself. I started to imagine an alternate version of me, perfect, harsh on me. After certain experiences in the group homes, I started to try to imagine what life as the alternate gender would be like. I imagined what I would wear as a female. I imagined that my ideal girlfriend would be a female version of me. I started to have dreams of a mysterious faceless girl just like that.
While I was questioning transition, I imagined that I was at odds with a female who was emerging inside me. I imagined beating her dead, but she kept coming back.
Now that I've transitioned, I am that woman, and I'm haunted by that old male self. You've probably read my easily identifiable posts here before, repeated tales of a woman ghosted by a man and a boy.
Is there any succinct way to describe me? Is there a condition name? Does anyone feel similarly? Thank you for your patience.
>I'm just some retard that likes to separate myself into pieces
I do this. It fkin sucks, makes it hard for me to identify who I am, what gender I am, what gender I should be
>female who was emerging inside me. I imagined beating her dead, but she kept coming back.
I sorta did this. Kinda tried to enable her, still do. At the same time my instict beat her. tried to kill her
>Now that I've transitioned, I am that woman
Kinda hoping this will happen to me. But I'm worried it won't and I gotta detransition. Because in my mind I shoulda been her from the start.
> I'm haunted by that old male self
Not so much hoping for this one.
to kinda add to this.
I also had a psychotic phase, which wasn't the root of my transgenderism, it kind of reminded me of it. weirdly enough I forgot about it in my puberty.
Wish I knew how to glue myself together. Gonna talk to my shrink about this, maybe there's some medication.
OP I'm not sure if this is the same experience you're describing, but for several years before coming to terms with being trans I legitimately believed I had multiple personalities. It was how I coped, by quarantining my feminine qualities into some distant looming piece of me. When I finally broke down and accepted myself the lines between my pieces faded and I began to feel like myself for probably the first time.
possibly borderline personality disorder
typically borderlines are a certain way, but they're a relative of the dissociative spectrum and psychosis is normally involved to some extent, you could be experiencing some borderline and DID to some extent but not necessarily either, its also possible its dissociative fugue
its could also be complex post traumatic stress disorder
or you know, if you're facing extreme difficultly communicating with other people or even making sense of yourself, it may be schizophrenia
all mental disorders are related to one another in some way, they're just names at the end of the day to describe common types of thinking considered dysfunctional within society
whatever it is that you're experiencing, its possible there's no name or category that describes it exactly, the same with terms like male, female, trans, etc
but if you can identify your own patterns using those disorders as a starting point in order to gain insight, then you can begin to function better according to your own personal standards (if that's an issue to you)
and also, most people experience all mental disorders to a minor extent, but most people wouldn't consider something like "switching" from the person you are at work to the person you are getting into the car and driving home DID lol
at the end of the day it all depends on whether you feel its interfering with your ability to complete basic tasks, and how severe you feel that interference is
I've been on it for 21 months now. I went full time after 5 months. It was really nice for 6 months, feeling like a truly female identity, despite my bodily discrepancies. But my male traits, forming a male face, wanted to come out and not only act masculine, but identify as a man, claim those boyhood memories, and argue with his female roommate.
It's confusing when the word "I" starts means different things, isn't it?
I feel so stupid.