I am bi and I have been dating this guy for the last 8 months. Since we have been in this relationship he has always been honest with me. Even about the shit that was painful he thought I would blow up at. There were boundaries set early on and there has trust and respect from both sides.
On his birthday, he got into a little trouble with the law. He called me and told me he got arrested. Since then he has been told to go through treatment for alcohol addiction. When his treatment started, he told me that it could get rough. I told him I would be there for him through thick and thin. We have been through so much together, I wasn't just going to abandon him. He told me his emotions were going crazy. One minute he felt like he wanted to kill everyone, the next he loved everyone. Still, my feelings did not diminish. I told him I would check in on him every few days. To make sure he was ok since he stated his docs said he could become suicidal (due to also having to be off his meds for anxiety, ADHD, pain while going through treatment)
Then came silence. For the last month there hasn't been much from him. A few hellos now and again but that's been it. He wont say much more. I asked him when we would see each other again and he responded "I want to see you again badly, but not at the moment". A few days later, he was honest with me and he told me he relapsed. After that, more silence.
Since he would not respond to texts, calls, voicemails, etc, I wrote him a letter to check In with him and tell him I am here if he needs help. I didn't expect him to go through this alone.
Thursday I woke up to the pic. We exchanged a few texts for the first time in 3-4weeks. I screenshotted the main parts.
After the first pic, I tried calling. He texted me back saying he couldn't answer because his anxiety was too high and he didn't want me showing up unexpected either. That was a red flag for me since he has always been a huge people person and we were pretty much inseparable before he entered treatment.
My main question is this:
Is the worry and my insecurities getting the better of me when I think he might have pushed me away to be with someone else?
Does this seem like just the anxiety he warned me about? or does there seem to be more?
I knew he would change a bit but the people I have been talking to outside of our relationship that suffer from anxiety and depression say this seems odd but everyone's anxiety is different.
any tips? I feel like I have failed as a boyfriend. I don't know what to do to help out. I feel like I would make things worse by trying to step in and help but I am afraid to lose him (sort of already have)
who knows. he probably just wants to be left alone right now, people that are addicts feel shame in their addiction especially when they relapse and they don't want people to see that they gave in so they push everyone away to be with their addiction.
i might be in a similar situation as him, i used to be social but things got difficult, i decided to recluse for a while and according to the limited amount of social interaction i have these days, people are apparently asking about me
i haven't come out because im not ready.
sometimes i wish someone would reach out to me, but ive come to accept that no one really understands exactly what it is that im struggling with so i can't expect them to know how to approach me, what to say or what to do.
i can only imagine i appear as some kind of ticking time bomb or loose cannon to them, but im working on becoming someone who at least appears well adjusted until i can establish how i want to live life
there was a point where i was absolutely miserable and felt that things weren't getting better, but it was the small things that helped
What seemed to help? I really don't want to give up on someone who has made the past 8 months so enjoyable. I don't think he is non sociable at te moment. Mainly talking to family though.
OP, I think you're doing fine. He's having a hard time and struggling to get better. By being there and by not pushing too much (showing up unexpectedly, etc) you are helping more than you realize.
Keep pushing for him to talk, but respect when he pushes back. Just be there and let him know you're there. If he can and if he wants to, he'll come back.
Yes I dated an addict before but he still doesn't believe he had an addiction. Even though he would go through my wallet and take my credit card to withdraw money and buy shit to pawn while I was asleep. Even though I always had to pay the full amount of rent because he never had money despite working. Begged him to go to rehab and he laughed at me and said there was nothing wrong. Addicts deep down know what they're doing is wrong and they're ashamed of it, and they do things to push people away so they can be with their addiction.
Sorry you had to go through that. I feel like I'm trying to avoid that being pushed away part.
He is getting treatment and going to his meetings though. One part during out conversation that I didn't copy was part of the original pic. he stated "I probably know but it's killing me inside"
I don't know if he was talking about his addiction to booze or something else. (Like finding someone else)Trouble is he won't really talk anymore. I tried texting him a few times a day just go get no response.
this was something i never got given, but looking in retrospect it makes sense that giving someone full liberty to say whatever it is that's on their mind would work
i used to play out in my mind how i thought every possible conversation would result, there was nothing i felt anyone could say or do and nothing i could say or do either. i ended up cynical, pessimistic, embittered, etc.
im not sure if this is what his situation is like, but whatever it is, there's some kind of barrier.
often i just wouldn't say anything at all because i didn't want to upset anyone, because i was worried that i would impact upon other people, because i just thought it was impossible.
every day it would be a different problem and i would have a different attitude, but if at some point someone had just stopped me and asked me what was on my mind, and reassured me that i could tell them anything without being judged or having to worry about anything falling apart, that the reason was because they could sense something was really wrong, and that they didn't know what to say, that they didn't want me to drown in my own head or something like that.
people are all different.
i mean, im kind of at a point where things are so fucked up that even if someone approached me and said that, id feel even more terrible, and that i already have plans in my head of how to cut these people off forever if they ever threatened me, hopefully he's not at that stage
but even if he is, then really, it just takes time, granted he doesn't just suddenly kill himself, ive occasionally thought of doing that without warning anyone. because, right now im beginning to transition back into society as im just learning to just deal with things, i guess.
it might turn out that when i return, if i return, i might decide that i just dont want to be around those people anymore, if i decide that i cant communicate with them at this point in my life.
okay, so you're a bigot then, okay.
yeah well, im an ex addict and i never would have done those things, so fuck you?
he must have broken your heart pretty bad if you have the pain out over millions of people
you think that's the worst thing a human being can do to another human being?
maybe i am like him, maybe my drug addiction would have gotten that bad if i was still on it and having being in the place i am right now looking random strangers in my life placing their assumptions on to me because of something they went through.
like fuck you.
Actually, it gave me an idea of what to say. Or at least try. Thanks.
I have on multiple occasions, it texts, letters, face to face, and on the phone told him that he can tell me anything. I've encouraged him to be open with me, I've told him I'm never there to judge him and that I cannot judge him due to not having never been in a situation like his. There are times talking to him I have sensed a near breakdown on his end. I've told him that should he need to come over and just let it all out with someone that will be there for him and cares about him greatly, I will be there for him. Not to be selfish or weird but I kind of want him to do just that. It would signal a lot more trust on his part.
He's told me in the past he has pushed people away. He's built emotional walls so he doesn't let anyone close enough. If possible I'd like to knock those down or have him "create a door" to let me in and see the pain that has caused him so much grief. He's let nuggets of info slip at times. I remember them all. I mentioned them in my letter to him.
He's a great person but he just pushes people away when he fears he is getting too close. I hate that.
people are all connected in some way, and you choose to have an attitude because of the way one person treated you, you go around treating every other person like that, one day that person, whoever it is that you care about, ends up talking to some asshole who decided things in the same way that you did, and then they end up doing hurtful things to you, and you question why the fuck is this happening?
If it's karma (I, the op) don't see how. I've never treated him like shot, never cheated or even thought about it, if there were problems, we talked it out without screaming at each other. I've been there for him when he needed me, I've never laughed, pointed fingers, blamed him in any way.
You serious? It's a known fact that many addicts do this, so he isn't being bigoted, you are projecting your insecurities on what he said.