I'm writing a text-game in python with a similar premise to the film "My Dinner with Andre". This is mainly going to be something to entertain my friends with so I really don't have anyone to help proof read it except /lit/.
I'm not necessarily for anything extensive, just some critique on one of the excerpts I have so far.
Two men, Sebastian and Jeremy, are seated at a diner booth. Sebastian is explaining to Jeremy why he had a mental breakdown and left his trip from Europe several months before he intended.
This excerpt takes place partway through Sebastians final story of the night.
Unless you're doing it as a programming exercise, you might consider using a text game engine like Twine or Inform.
No reason to reinvent the wheel, and it would let you focus on content, which is what people really care about.
Wha.. Desiccated means incredibly dry, dried out. Are building usually plump with moisture?
Also why can't you simply state what it is. Is it not a building? Why is there uncertainty about it being a building at all, in two places no less? It's weird. Instead of saying what something isn't you might try to describe what it is.
I can imagine situations where it does makes sense, i.e a geographical area in the world where there are alternating periods of drought and heavy rain.
But like I said, I wouldn't have used that word.
That does not surprise me coming from someone who views editing with outright contempt.
Furthermore OP, why is the shack neither that nor a building (but a 'buiding')? Why all the commas in places where they can be either removed or replaced with 'and'? Why write "I followed her into this" when 'the' is the better word since you used 'this' in the beginning of the paragraph?
Appreciate the interest, here's a small addendum I finished writing a few minutes ago. Open for critique with it as well.
The shack is inspired by an actual abandoned hut in the forest on my property. It reminds me of the outhouse in the opening to Shrek but as if said ouhouse had been exposed to the sun for several days.
I put the word building in sneer quotes to imply that it was on its last legs. A strong gust of wind could topple it over for example.
Thanks for the pointers, I don't want to be too verbose yet there's plenty of room for more clarity. I'll keep this in mind.
I should mention, I sort of did a hard stop with Sebastian's last statement because I need to get some other work done.
I'll more than likely incorporate it into its own paragraph when I get more time.