I'll preface this by saying that I'm fully aware of how melodramatic this might sound. I want to be more eloquent than to simply say 'life is shit and hard'. I fully understand if you think little of how I choose to write this soppy story.
I'm 21, nearing 22 and have had chronic depression of a varying severity since I was 14.
The gift of a normal life was taken before it was offered, and I find it impossible to relate to most people my age. In the past two years I have finally developed confidence and the ability to genuinely respect my own opinion of myself.
But It doesn't get any easier, I feel so weary, so weak. I simply cannot find reason and meaning with which to justify continued existence.
Can you suggest any literature that discusses this problem? I know it is not remotely unique. I need to see what wiser people have proposed, but I don't know where to begin.
>not looking for a hugbox, brutal honesty is welcome
Ive tried to kill myself when I was 8, and had been wishing for death quite feverently, thinking that an end of everything would be the best.
Personally listening to music that encompasses the emptiness that I have often felt worked for me
Explosions in the sky
I then delved into finding more about creative people that I admire, as I draw myself. Vincent Van Gogh, Robert crumb, and a lot of creative people are all quite manic depressed, you would find.
Recently I couldn't find it in me to draw anything, I haven't drawn for 3 weeks now (even though it's my career)
I want to burn everything I drew because I hate it and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Recently someone nice had asked me out and I complied
He had greater feelings for me than I do for him and I do not know whether I should continue seeing him or call it quits. I get anxious and I don't think I want to waste his time with me because I don't feel anything.
I'm sorry this ended up more like a rant but I'm sitting down on the floor in a crowded train and I feel so alone.
everything really. i've listened to mogwai and other more well-known post-rock artists (slint, tortoise, bark psychosis) and i'm really into jazz (thundercat is my latest obsession) oh and i absolutely despise most of the music from the 80's.. among other things also rock, 40/50's pop songs (amazing vocals), and all sorts of electronic music.
how about you? oh and, tea or coffee?
>To cure despair you ultimately need Jesus Christ (see Kierkegaard's book). All the other religions and creeds and philosophies are ultimately statements of despair. Christianity is the only religion/creed/philosophy of hope, or "hope beyond hope", as St. Paul says.
Yaas/despair is the second greatest sin after shirk/affirmed rejection of God in Islam.
I'm just making the point that you shouldn't comment on other theologies if you haven't studied them.
Thanks for the information though.
Read the myth of Sisyphus
If you're theistic then take solace in that, because there's nothing conceivably more comforting than the idea of guaranteed eternal bliss.
But, if you're existential than the only answer is to try and develop your own absurdist meaning to life.
I wouldn't consider myself depressed, we live in such an ironic, stimulated, consumptive, amusement-filled time that its easy to distract yourself.
But truly the best way to stay the most STABLE is to develop discipline. Recognize the things that trigger depressive episodes and either isolate or conquer them. If you're depressed by a lack of intimacy than you have no one to blame but yourself for not working to change that
Believe that you're too ugly for that? Then why waste time thinking of it, spend that time realizing your artistic or material goals. 90% or so of the planet puts god knows how much time into the opposite sex, if you harnessed all of that into one endeavor you'd succeed.
Its going to be difficult, and you should seek therapy if it really is diagnosed depression, but the end-goal is to be your own therapist. You won't get immediate and lasting endurance without putting yourself as the final authority.
Good luck OP.
I'd second Cioran. I was diagnosed with depression at 14 and I'm still depressed at 22 like op. My depression's never been episodic though just a constant. I'm reading Meditations now too and it's ok.