In 3 hours, I'm going to be bringing home a stickshift car from the seller, It will me mostly freeway. The area outside of his house is super busy leading up to the highway.
I'm super nervous about this.
How do I not stall the car?
Clutch in, shift to 1 and as I release the clutch, I press the gas?
if the clutch grabs at a low point and you can clearly feel it. youll be fine. youll hear it bog down and know when to give it gas. if you cant find a grabbing point feather it and youll see the car move forward. if your moving backwards and giving gas let out a lil more clutch. you can leave the ebrake on and let the clutch out slowly to find where it bogs down and thats where you give it gas. dont over think it.
You are fucked.
Why on earth would you buy a car without driving it, and further, why would you give yourself a 3 hour time frame to LEARN how to drive manual before picking up a car and driving it home on 'super busy' roads?
Are you a moron? Ask your parents or friends to drive it back with you. You WILL fuck everything up.
One rule of thumb to take in account is that the clutch should be doing exactly the opposite of what you're doing with the accelerator. So when you're driving your left foot should be to the left of the clutch (not on it unless you want to burn the clutch)
Another rule is to not force the shifter, but to gently push it in the direction of the gear you want (best way to practice it is by 'shifting' for a bit with the engine off, until you're certain you won't be making errors). This is highly essential, and even more if your car has the reverse gear on the bottom right (meaning that you can accidentally shift from 5 to R, destroying the engine.)
My friend Luis has been bugging me for a while now to learn how to drive a stick shift. I'm fine with an automatic, but he said it's so much easier to get girls with a stick shift. It makes sense when you think about it. It's like having a permanent dildo in your car at all times. Girls love that sort of thing.
So he came over early today in hopes of teaching me the magic of the stick. He's such a sweetie, he even brought a pack of hotdogs and buns so we could cook them over a fire in the back of the car. Ever since I saw Survivor, I started cooking everything over an open flame. There's no way someone can call you a pussy for cooking food over an open flame. If someone were to call me a pussy, I'd grab their head and shove it in the flames and proceed to give them a lashing with the english language if they even shed one tear.
So after we cooked up some hotdogs on the ole back seat we decided to get down to brass tacks. Luis said he was going to teach me how to shift like his father did before him. He instructed me to close my eyes. I had to be one with the automobile. You can only be one with things if you have your eyes closed, it's a known fact. He told me to put my one hand on the wheel at 12 o clock and my other on the shifting knob. With my eyes closed, my imagination was able to run wild. I imagined the wheel was the reins of an unicorn and I was its magical prince rider. I was happy.
Luis instructed me to move the clutch up and to my left. I did as he said. Now back to the neutral position. I already felt like a pro. I can do this, I said with confidence. I started to move it from 1st back to N. I think I was gripping it too hard because it started to cry. This wasn't fantasy land, though, real stick shifters don't cry. Uh oh. I looked down. My hand was on Luis' tented shorts, right on his erect penis. I looked around, this car didn't even have a stick shift, it was an automatic.
Come on, Luis, I said, I wanted to learn how to stick shift, not dick shift. Luis had a hearty laugh and told me to hit the road, he didn't want to cuddle. It looked like I was the bitch in this relationship.
I had to get Luis back for this. I thought all day and all night what I could do and I came up with something. I was going to trick his hand into being gay too by having him give me a hand job. I went to everyone's favorite store, Wal-Mart and bought a joy stick. I was going to make sure it lived up to its name.
I ripped the stick handle thing off the joy stick. I had no need for it. I then cut a small hole in the bottom of the base, only about 1 inch in diameter. I stuck my penis through, it looked perfect, a little spray paint and he'd never know the difference.
I was ready. My penis was spray painted to match the joy stick color. I had Microsoft Flight Simulator installed, soon to be Microsoft Dick Stimulater. I called Luis over. He came over right away. He's never one to miss some awesome flight sim action. I sat with the joystick on my lap, the only place I really could have it. My dick isn't big enough to sit on the bed and have the joystick in the closet. He sat down next to me and took a hold of my jet black penis. "Hm, this doesn't seem to be responding," he said. Oh, it is, I said, a laughed a little, just keep trying it. He gave it a few more tugs and I finally came all over him.
Oh, sucka, I just pwned you, I said. "Dude," he said, "I'm gay, I knew it was your cock the whole time. This just confirms that you're gay too." He was right. Turns out I was double pwned, the worse kind of pwnage. Back in ancient Egypt, if one had been double pwned, he had to trek into the desert of unspeakable evils to recover Tomah's eye. Most were never heard from again. Now a days, it's just really embarassing. Two hand jobs in two days? It looks like I'm gay.