I can't take it anymore. This is the end of the line. I stalled for so long but now everything is crumbling down. I can't even think about my future without having the uncontrollable urge to vomit and have a panic attack. I know I'm not going to make it to next semester, nobody knows im struggling, they always thought i was the genius who does great even though i insisted i wasn't.
Fuck. I should've killed myself several months ago. Why did I ever have hope that things would get better?
I will tell you something that my father told me when I was suicidal. He said that it makes no sense to kill myself because I will die soon anyway, not because I am sick but because life is short, if you are 35 and live the average lifespan in a first world country it is already half way over, not to mention disease and accidents. If you are not in physical untreatable pain you have no reason to want to die, If you are unhappy it is your subconscious way of telling you to make a change. You might say "But I don't know how" finding out how to solve your problems is the only way you will grow, it is nothing to be ashamed of.
I mean I'm probably going to have to get a job, I'm fine with that. It's mainly how angry everyone is going to be with me, especially my
single mom. They've been verbally abusing and threatening me for years. It has gotten to the point where I'm extremely passive and when people yell I pretty much shut down if it's a woman or crouch in terror if it's a man (no father figure).
I wish someone would just briefly get angry but support me in another way but I know it's not going to happen with 6k down the drain.
I'm looking for a job currently but I'm hoping that I don't get kicked out or all my stuff that took years to get taken away. (I'm 20). I have nothing of value in life, nothing to live for. If my only joy is taken from me, I must end my existence no matter how pathetic it seems. I understand we're going to die anyway, but why suffer until it happens, I know what will make me happy, and I know how people have often taken it away from me.
I mean, I honestly tried. I didn't do it on purpose but nobody understands. They just call that an excuse.
A lot of very Important men through out history faced similar hardships to you and overcame it and went on to do great things. It seems to me that my generation is very quick to resort to things generations prior would not have even considered. I don't know why that is, if it is a spiritual issue or the society we live today. But it seems that a lot potential is being lost and it does not look good for the future.
I can't do math anymore, about to get booted from my stem major. It would've been fine if depression and family issues didn't stunt me last semester. But nobody knows about it but me. Everything is so hard, I try to sit down and figure it out but I can't. College seems pointless when you don't even have friends and professors don't even know who you are. At this point I'm sick of all this unneeded pressure. Has anybody cared that I was a human being and not a future somebody? I wanted to be, but people have pushed be too far back, destroyed my plans and connections as well. Whatever I build up is gone, and it took years to make. I can't get back up.
I was in the same situation OP. Psets were always my de-stresser, until they werent. Depression made them impossible. Breaking point was doing and redoing the simplest starter problem on some EE, because I thought I didnt have the right answer. Turns out I had had the right answer for 5 hours, and just couldnt see it because "I am always wrong, I must suffer"
Shit sucked so much, and I still haven't got it back fully.
Im still alive, I graduated just a few months ago. Changed my hard engineering major to a soft one, was much happier
Take a year off and do real shit, get back in contact with yourself. Chances are youre ignoring a whole avenue of your life because of 'muh stem' ego.
>tldr; the pain youre feeling is because you're trying to be someone you can't be right now. That old guy you were is already dead
>take a year off and find the person you CAN be
I think it's more along the lines of social media and cellphones. Oh and every toddler has an Ipad. Do you remember when kids used to play outside? DAE think they were born int ehwrng genarshun.