So I'm bored and I've got a fun idea here. Post anything and everything you want in this thread and I will record a dramatic reading of it [or an impression/accent/stereotype if requested and I can perform it well enough] and post it here.
Got another thread in /r/ for it but it's not seeing much action.
Ooh, this looks fun!
Here's my first one, a random news story from 2013 ( photo attached ) :
The Russian prison service said Monday it had caught a cat being used as a courier to smuggle banned cell phones and chargers into a prison camp in the country's remote far north.
The prison service in the Komi region said on its website that the cat was detained Friday evening as it climbed the fence of the region's Number One corrective labour camp with two cell phones, batteries and chargers strapped to its back using tape.
It posted a photograph of the black-and-white cat held up by the scruff of its neck by a guard with the bulky package still stuck to its fur.
"They have foiled various attempts to smuggle banned objects into Prison Colony Number One before, but in the case of the cat, the prison colony is at a loss: nothing like this has happened in the prison's history," the regional prison service said.
Read it in your best reporter voice !
And after that I have another one for you. Try not to be a reporter on this one
The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...
As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.
Sorry, didn't do this one as well as I wanted to, but I hope it's alright. Couldn't perfect a good American or British newscaster so I went for an Aussie. Excuse the terrible puns at the end.
Here's another one then ( I have no idea where I get these from ) :
"Sounds like the name of a mad scientist," said Buster casually.
"I AM NOT MAD!" cried Zarkendorf, his eyes bulging madly. "For years people like you laughed at my name! They called me a nerd — they said I should get out of my mother's basement and get a life! I swore that one day I would make them all pay! The world will soon tremble at the name Heinrich Dorfmenstein Zarkendorf!"
"Yeah — probably at the thought of having to spell it."