We have WOKEN up in a strange, YET comforting bathroom. As OUR vision ceases IT'S blurring, we realize our PANTS are coiled around our ANKLES and our left hand is filled with PERHAPS A THIRD of A liter of CHEAP SCOTCH.
Why did we pass out DRINKING this foul EUROPEAN concoction? Do we MOURN for SCOTLAND'S misdirected ATTEMPT to earn FREEDOM? Or is this ALL part of some conspiracy?
Our right hand seems to BE occupied by a STRANGE DEVICE that will ALLOW us to MANIPULATE our ENVIRONMENT using only our MIND and AMMUNITION.
WE probably JUST POOPED, fingering is NOT ADVISED at THIS TIME.
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We still HAVE a FULL LOAD of MIND ERASERS loaded in our MIND CRUSH ENABLER.
Our PANTS and DIGNITY have been RESTORED to OPERATIONAL STATUS.
Bath contains CHEAP SHAMPOO and SUAVE CONDITIONER.
What we SEE in the TOILET will REPLACE THE WHITE WHALE in our nightmares. Flushing is AUTOMATICALLY INITIATED because our TOILET is EXPENSIVE and FROM JAPAN.
Welp, we obviously wanted to get drunk and off ourselves. Drink some scotch and pull the trigger, but do it on the toilet with our pants down, because the last thing anyone does before they die is shit themselves.
Realizing the DIFFICULT TASKS ahead will REQUIRE us to MANIPULATE THE physical world with nothing MORE then our thoughts, we stumble to ANOTHER ROOM. Whereupon we see a SMALL PILE of MENTAL MANIPULATION DEVICES. We must decide if we wish to MANIPULATE THE WORLD in a SEMI AUTOMATIC, DOUBLE action or pump action FASHION.
Current Status: NOT DRUNK ENOUGH
Clothes: WE AREN'T DRESSED FANCY
We have discovered COWBOY BOOTS, there are two sets, one fancy, one utilitarian. Do we OWN more then one set of BOOTS? A concept which makes one WONDER if they have been consumed by CAPITALISTIC GREED by owning MORE BOOTS THEN ONE TYPICALLY REQUIRES?
REGARDLESS OF OUR CHOICE, we can now LEAVE THE HOUSE without the ASPHALT burning our feet, because it still GETS over 100 DEGREES out here in the ASS END of ASSLAND.
The NEAREST store WHICH has ALCOHOL is not far, but TOO FAR for us to walk. We will NEED to AWAKEN THE MACHINE SPIRITS of our SHITTY CAR.
As we STUMBLE around, we discover that a GOBLIN MERCHANT has our KEYS, and cunningly attempts to LURE US into a game of riddles, wagering some of our MIND CRUSH FREEDOM ENABLERS against THE KEYS WE SUPPOSEDLY ALREADY OWNED. This is DANGEROUS territory, as he is no doubt well versed in RIDDLE.
There appears to be close to 40 AMERICAN DOLLARS in our WALLET.
You TELL the GOBLIN that he may be ABLE to OUTSMART YOU, but NO ONE can OUTSMART 125 GRAINS of DEMOCRACY.
We have ACQUIRED keys
We get in our SHITTY CAR and DRIVE to the nearest DISPENSER of ALCOHOL, which is our ONLY FRIEND.
As we ACTUALIZE our mobility ENHANCERS which are OF TWO DIFFERENT COLORS we catch sight of our OLD nemesis, the NEVADA department of COUNTER TERRORISM, who think it ODD that we attempt to purchase PALLETS of COMMUNIST MADE munitions and attempt to QUESTION/IMPLICATE US.
Look at HIM, sitting there, JUDGING US and reminding us of DR TJ ECKLEBERG.
We avoid PLAYING HIS GAME and stumble inside, making our way towards THE COOLER. Inside we see OUR FRIENDS, who DON't JUDGE US unlike those FASCISTS at RED LOBSTER.
We are now full of MEXICAN BEER. Unfortunately, as we IMBIBED on the WAY to the REGISTER, the CLERK has TRANsFORMED into a swirling mass of ACCUSATIVE GIBBERISH which emerges from his mouth UNIT. Is he TRYING to make US exchange currency to LIBERATE our ONLY FRIENDS? Is he DARING to enforce his arbitrary rule about DRINKING inside of the store? Or is he PART of the HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA, using his HONEYED WORDS and CHEAP ROLLER TACOS to lure us down a path of sin AND debauchery?
We flash our IDENTIFICATION at the DRINK OFFICER, what comes out of his word hole sounds a LOT like him saying that it will be $5 for our BEER.
Our SONG implies that we PAY THE LEAD PRICE for our alcohol, and he QUICKLY is HUMBLED SUFFICIENTLY. Our FRIENDS have been LIBERATED.
No doubt the GOONS of DR TJ ECKLEBERG EYE will be on us SOON, as mere mortals consider BRANDISHING the same as assault WITH a deadly weapon and PERHAPS even armed robbery, though WE will contend it was ARMED, MUSICAL liberation.
WAlking out of the store, we have ACHIEVED our FIRST objectives, but now we have ANCILLARY needs that we must attend to. With our INHIBITION level elevated and our THIRST level neutralized, we could WALK or DRIVE to our next QUEST.
Our FOOT UNITS are MOTIVATING us in a WESTERDLY direction.
As we RAMBLE, we come across a strange sign... just why does this CLARK individual want us to stay out of his storm drain system?
Rearranging THE letters of TIBERTICO we get TIT RICO, which sounds like a LEWD version of PUERTO RICO which is where RUM often COMES from.
We ENTER the tunnels, inside is damp and filled WITH filth. There is MOVEMENT ahead!
WHAT do THEY MEAN?
We have our MANIPULATOR at the ready, though OUR ONLY FRIEND has DULLED our SENSES. What stands BEFORE us could be a CHUD or a RELATIVELY harmless hobo.
Ears status: DEAF FOR A WHILE
The CHUD lunges at US!
MORE THOUGH: it is a MAP.
WE must begin to understand MAP or more ALCOHOL.
We are able to LIBERATE the HEARTS and LUNGS of the CHUD, though it manages to WOUND US.
Map reading is not a SKILL we possess... however, there is an AIR FORCE base NEARBYE, they tend to enjoy MAPS and THINGS.
We are able to STUMBLE out of the SEWERS.
Though it APPEARS we are IN our VEHICLE, we are CLEARLY pointing at a SIGN that reads NELLIS, perhaps this is THE WAY to NELLIS AFB, where we can acquire MAP reading material.