Anon why, that's not funny, it's really really sad and amazing. ;~;
It isn't shameless self promotion if you've been drinking!
Are you that same anon from the last thread that bitched when the other guy claimed to have written it?
Sorry bruh it's just me here and i don't seem to have it
I actually hadn't seen some of these, this thread should live a little longer.
Okay, let me give you some fresh.
Whups. this is supposed to go there...
Man, dude, guy! I have no more feels to give! Why you do dis?
I have dongsworth and the dutchess...
>not posting the second part
There was an entire thread of this.
Maybe more, but I was never able to find em.
TOO SUBTLE FOR ME
I lost the image when my computer died, but it went something like this:
>have LGS in mall, across from Hallmark or some kind of store that doesn't jive with gaming
>They start to ring this bell once in a while to declare they're having a sale or just get attention or whatever
>it's loud. Really loud. Obnoxiously loud.
>people in the LGS start to get sick of it
>on a busy day somebody gathers everyone together and they hatch a plan
>go about their business in the LGS
>Eventually, across the hall the other store picks up their bell and starts to ring it
>Everyone in the LGS looks up, takes a deep breath, and lets out the biggest WAAAGH!! they can
>the bell stops
>the shoppers stop
>mall security from the other end of the complex comes running to see what's wrong
>LGS folk shrug
>they don't hear the bell again
Does anyone have any of the tales of Crazy Hassan's Used Camel Emporium?
So our game was going well up until a couple weeks ago - we play at one of the player's houses, and his mother began to insist that we let his little brother play (because he's been complaining he wants to all week). The player has privately been informed that the use of his house depends on it.
So little brother joins in, halfway through the campaign. To try and "learn" he's been reading through his big brother's books, except this pretty much amounted to looking through splat books for the pretty pictures.
He comes to the game and demands to be a demilich.
We just kind of sit there, unsure what to say. This is a level 9 game and the guy wants to be a demilich. Obviously, we tell him no. Cue half an hour of temper tantrum (he even started to cry twenty minutes in.)
The mother comes and yells at the big brother, big brother tries to explain the problem, and eventually he relents - if he gets to play his second idea, a dragon.
Now see, the other problem is the DM. He's an enabler. He was actually trying to suggest the kid play a lich wizard 4 instead. So when the kid wanted to be a dragon instead, guess what he got? Yep, a dragon.
A very young brass dragon. The first thing he does is declare that he's the party leader. When someone disagrees, he declares "I pin him to the ground and breathe fire on his balls."
His big brother tries to change his mind, but nope. "I am a big majestic dragon, I should be ruling the lesser races! You're all humans, so I'm the leader."
Ten minutes of crying later, we decide to play along. It's not so bad, the kid wants to carry on with the GM's story - so he can come out of it the mary sue leader, but whatever. He's not saying "Let's ditch this dungeon" or anything, so we're cool.
Until we get a message from the local king, that is.
The princess has been kidnapped by a dragon, he wants us to help, blah blah blah. (It's actually quite a good story but also really irrelevant.)
The kid immediately assumes that:
a) he's the dragon in question
b) Asking for a ransom of 1,000,000gp while in the king's court is a clever idea.
He'd watched Austin Powers the night before, so when I say b) I mean he's yelling "ONE MEEEEEEEEEEELLION DOLLARS!", jamming his index finger in his mouth because he's a fucking retard, and giggling like a schoolgirl.
At this point everyone is holding their head in their hands. Our poor, poor DM is trying to hide behind his screen.
"What?" the kid asks.
Eventually, the DM comes to our rescue and pulls a solution out of his ass - the kid did do it, but another dragon stole the princess while they were going to see the king. Everyone saw that dragon, so everyone thinks the kid is joking and have a good laugh, then send us on our way.
Kid only pouts a little. He wants his princess back.
We manage to get to the dragon's lair and defeat it without too much hassle (the kid likes to go "Are you suuure?" and demand his AC and the dragon's stats be checked every time he gets hit), and there the princess is, tied to an altar. Everyone's preparing to wrap up (we're all ~18-20, but now that the kid is playing we have to stop before his 9PM bedtime) when the kid, looking through a DMG he swiped from his big brother, asks:
"How much exp is he worth?"
The DM makes a show of looking at his notes and decides to go for a cop-out, saying she's not worth anything but he'll get "quest exp" for returning her.
So the kid calms down, at least for now. We take the princess and return...
And the kid demands his 1,000,000gp.
>>38568062 that should be 2/4, durr
The big brother finally loses his temper. Unfortunately, that just means turning to the kid and saying "Don't be a retard, you can't do that."
"Fine," the kid says, giggling, "I shit on her chest."
If the demilich got an awkward silence before, this was a kind of anti-sound that nulled any noise in the room. Nobody believes - nobody wants to believe - that he just said that.
In the pause he adds, "and then I rape her."
And finally, breaking point is reached.
See, on the other side of the kid is Dave. We don't have any assholes in the group, but if we did it would be Dave. If he doesn't know a rule from memory he can find it in the stack of books we own in under a minute, he doesn't have much tolerance for faggotry, but he's a nice guy and prefers quiet roleplaying. He's a quiet guy, slow to anger (although even he has needed to be talked into staying by the DM).
At this point, Dave loses his temper.
"I cast Phantasmal Killer."
"What? No, you--" Enabling DM is cut off by Dave slamming the dice cup in front of the kid.
"DC 25," he says.
The kid rolls. Even before the dice stops moving he's reaching out to stop it and saying, "I rolled a thirty."
Dave's hand slams down over the dice, nearly hitting the kid. He leaps back into his chair. Dave lifts his hand.
It's a 10.
"See? Thirty," the kid says.
Before the kid can react, Dave snatches his character sheet and looks it over.
"Your will save is +7," he says.
"But I have special immunity to--"
Dave rips the sheet up.
The kid starts to cry, and launches an attack on Dave. Dave responds by grabbing the kid by the hair and dragging him off.
The others follow, partly to try and stop him but mostly to watch.
Everyone knows that sooner or later, the kid's screaming is going to attract the Mother. Dave smartly wrestles the kid and gets a grip on his arm instead beforehand, but doesn't let go.
"What's the meaning of this? What are you doing?!" The angry mother rushes over to console her bawwwing kid.
Pussy DM steps forward. "I'm sorry, ma'am, we won't do it agai--"
"He stole my cigarettes," Dave suddenly says.
If you hadn't seen what happened before, you'd think Dave was mad over this. We nod, because we know the truth. Dave has this odd nervous habit - his left leg starts to jitter and shake when he's angry - and right now he's leaning on big brother for support. Nobody dares fuck with his lie.
"WHAT?!" The mother finds his hard to believe, of course. The kid is quick to react too, pointing to Dave and screaming "LIAR!! LIAR!!!"
"Check his pockets," Dave says simply.
Guess what Dave managed to cram in the kid's pocket while he was shifting his grip?
The kid is STILL grounded. He's never going to play D&D with us again. Unfortunately, we're out of our only good gaming spot. The mother thinks it's our fault for being such a bad influence on him and doesn't want us back, and big brother guesses it will take at least six months to get on her good side.
We've been looking for somewhere since. We've tried a player's bedroom (crammed into a one-person room with a single chair didn't work), Dave's backyard (it started raining) and are currently holed up in his garage/basement. It's not a good place to play unless you want to LARP steampunk noir or something, but it's something.
And we've made a new house rule - Dave never has to pay for snacks again for a year.
You're welcome to contribute something fresher, fartbreath
>Join an online campaign
>Set in historical England, 14th century
>Make my character, typical Knight, has fought in the Crusades and come back victorious
>Join the roll20 room
>Immediately see something wrong
>29 players and a GM
>What the fuck
>I decide the GM must be utterly insane and go with it to watch this clusterfuck
>Three fighters, five or so bards, two clerics(and no spellcasting), and around twenty something commoners, aristocrats, and the like. The party has basically no combat capability.
>First session begins. I'm playing a Rogue, sort of silver tongued devil setup, fluffed as a Poet
>GM actually pulls the "you all meet in a bar" cliche
>We're on a pilgrimage to a shrine
>Just a shrine
>It's only about a week's ride away.
>First session is literally everyone sharing their character backstories
I left after the first session.
>Party includes a human paladin and a changeling rogue
>The paladin was raised in a small gnomish village and is very ignorant of the world as a whole
>During the first session he sees the rogue shapeshift
>"What *are* you?
>Rogue asks if he can roll a bluff check to convince the paladin that he's a plant
>Paladin spends the rest of the campaign thinking one of his comrades is a sentient, shapeshifting plant.
IIRC, that was the thread that this screencap came from.
>Playing Cyberpunk 2020
>I'm the Netrunner
>we're in dystopian San Francisco
>We have a thumbdrive we got from a punk hacker kid who got into some shit he shouldn't have
>The group is in the back of a bar that's built half over the water, we're meeting with a more experienced netrunner to crack the encryption on the drive
>Her and I are plugged in together, I'm fending off defense protocols while she works on breaking through the code
>Meanwhile a PMC is busting down the front door, the others are having a shootout in the front of the bar
>Every round I have to roll a d20 to fight off the protocols, can only fail four times before my brain gets fried
>first round, decent roll
>second round, 1
>third round, 1
>fourth round, 1
>fifth round, 6
>get zapped and rip the interface off, get dazed, she's on her own
>the bar gets set on fire, whoops time to leave
>She's not done decrypting, but gotta go so I yank the drive out which knocks her unconscious
>We drag her out the back door, there's a boat waiting down a ladder for our getaway
>A couple make it into the boat, the one carrying the netrunner flubs his roll and she drops into the water
>I'm climbing down the ladder, have to roll to manage it in my dazed state
>fall off the ladder, crack my head, start drowning, lose the drive
>the other runner and I get pulled into the boat, we zip away
That was our last session. I should probably throw away that die.
Yes I have. Wrote my dissertation on it. Its actually pretty good but requires detailed study to really understand, reading Chaucer is more history than it is literature.
If anyone gives a shit I'll give you some interesting examples.
Ok really this could be a separate thread on its own. Basically Chaucer is a satirist. If he says one thing he usually means another. Now for those of you who don't know the Canterbury tales starts with a prologue that describes the characters as the narrator sees them. Character 1 is the knight. He goes first because this is medieval society, he should go first. Makes perfect sense.
How is he described?
http://www.librarius.com/canttran/genpro/genpro043-078.htm that gives you the middle English text and a modern (shit) translation. I don't propose to go through it line by line but if Chaucer directly tells you something. He will then tell you another thing by his description.
The Knight is called a gentle, perfect knight. So what do you think of? A bretonnian basically.
The physical description of the knight (at the end of the prologue) tells us differently
He was a verray, parfit gentil knyght.
But, for to tellen yow of his array,
His hors were goode, but he was nat gay.
75 Of fustian he wered a gypon
Al bismotered with his habergeoun,
For he was late ycome from his viage,
And wente for to doon his pilgrymage.
He isn't wearing real armour as such, he has no heraldry (a huge fucking deal) he is stained and rusty. He is no real knight.
>why do I give a shit?
it would take the better part of the rest of the thread to lay it all out but the knight is not really a proper knight. This period of medieval history saw the rise of the mercenary as a millitary concept and some scholars view Chaucers knight as being a caricature of Sir John Hawkswood.
You have this contrast then of knightly ideals that society has, and the reality as Chaucer paints him of a Knight obsessed with money and fighting, with no ideals whatsoever.
Not /tg/ related, but I guess somewhat funny?
I find that this might be fitting.
>Me, 18 year old attending uni.
>only /tg/ thing I do is magic, which I play every Wednesday at our LGS
>I play exclusively edh for reasons mostly pertaining to money
>At the time the only deck I had was melek
>deck wins by using a combination of mana rituals and twincasts to comet storm everyone to death, also enter the infinate for shits and giggles.
>the game is me, an iroas player, and my bro darreti player.
>I had been having a discussion with another friend of mine about taking out exile of immortality, he kept asking me what the best case scenario of the card was, I just wanted some form of recursion
>its near the end of the game, and the iroas player easily has lethal on me, and swings for just enough. I crack elixir and live with just two life.
>next turn I draw enter the infinite, and asses my remaining board. The only significant things are a reliquary tower, a leyline of anticipation, and exactly enough mana to cast enter the infinite.
>I think that if I can politic iroas into sparing me for one more turn, I can cast enter the infinite at eot and explode everyone.
>Pass turn, Iroas comes around
>swings at me with two 1/1's for exactly lethal
>Fuck it, I cast enter the infinite in combat, just to show that given one more turn, hell, a little more mana with which to cast some removal I could have had it
>with enter the infinite still on the stack, darreti bro looks down at his lands, looks up at mine, then looks down at his, before saying six words.
>"I ghost quarter your reliquary tower"
>At first I think he is just adding insult to injury, before he reminds me that ghost quarter gives me an untapped land.
>I search, find a mountain, resolve enter the infinite, cast the bolt I only had because the elixirs graveyard shuffle, kill one of the 1/1's and survive combat with one life
>Iroas player is aghast as he realizes he has no way to deal that one damage to me.
>He passes turn, I untap, and promptly turn everyone and everything into dust and ash
I remember that thread.
It devolved into 3 sperglords trying to argue that the DM HAS TO cater to the players or they aren't DMing properly versus everyone else in the thread calling them retarded.
I still see that as catering to them, just not full on appeasement, which is good. He didn't railroad them until after they completed their retarded shit, so they still got a decent campaign, albeit with a funny bad end.
the only problem i see with that is the Dwarf coming from (Not) Yorkshire and not (Not) Durham, where there were far more mines (by Pop, Area and Total) and a genuine underground town thats nicer than the town on top
That feel when something you DM'd gets posted.
I can die happy now. Thanks /tg/.
It's the including everyone else bit that makes the least sense
I mean, revealing the kind of fetish you'd want to keep hidden from everyone forever is standard for magical realms, but directly causing a full party wipe with your magical realm is just fucking weird, and rude
Faulty logic in the second part. Batman could absolutely be an employee of a private organization, or more likely many employees. It would explain how he is able to go out night after night, and how the Batman is regularly crippled or killed and yet still returns to Gotham. It's far more likely for it to be a party of highly paid and trained Special Forces-types being used as the vigilante arm of some rich cartel, only sending out one operative at a time (unless they need backup, in which case they bring in "Robin" and the other Bat-identities) than it is one man with billions to embezzle, the training to act as the Batman, and the psychological issues to keep up the work for decades.
except the Batman and Robin (the boy wonder) format means they need 2 separate pools, one of which gets less active duty and is subject to (random on the implied scale of the operation) size changes from Puberty. also, the 2nd part of the 2nd part covers why a larger op is out
I have a story. So i have a group of friends that i game with every weekend or so, we usually get together for a few hours and play some PnP games and some board games or card games, or just get drunk and play rockband. Anyway about a month ago i decided i wanted to run a game of Pirates! with these guys. For those of you who don't know about the game, its a very laid back game. There are only 6 skills, no real rules besides be a pirate, and a big focus on doing whatever you feel like for the sake of fun and describing them as hilariously as possible. So in short its perfect for drunk assholes. As the players are rolling up characters i remind them that there is a spot on the char sheet for peculiarities, which are just funny or weird fluff about your character that doesn't matter gameplay wise. Another thing to note, is that every fail roll is a critical failure so if roll to shoot a gun and fail, the gun will blow up in your hand and injure you but you can't die in this game.
So when everyone was ready to play we ended up with a pretty crazy group of scallywags. There was me as Garbage Beard the Capitan, two or three regular pirates, a pirate who was just a Shark in a sailor outfit, a coward who just wanted to go home, a guy who was drunk on rum both IC and OOC, a pirate whose penis head was a corgi, and a duel battle axe wielding barbarian. Not a pirate int he slightest, he was just a barbarian on a pirate ship, and he refused to use any weapon that wasn't his axes.
So we set sail and everyone goes around the ship doing stuff until something significant happens. Immediately the coward declares that he wants to go home, so he marches into the captain's cabin and attempts to shoot him in the face. He fails his roll and i put a bullet in his chest. A couple of guys decide to get drunk, but fuck up their rolls and end up braining each other with beer mugs. The drunk decides to fuck with a prisoner by dangling him over the edge of the ship, but ended up slipping and falling overboard himself. And finally the barbarian decides to kill a priest who was being held prisoner by flaying him alive, he passed the roll and then the player went on to brutally and vividly describe exactly what he was doing to the prisoner while staring directly into my eyes.
Eventually i figure its time something happens and I state that the look out spots a pirate hunter's ship off in the distance. Most of the players man the canons, and then procede to fuckup and hurt them selves because none of them knew how to use a canon. The shark decides to climb to the highest point on the mast and wait there. At some point the barbarian gets both his arms blown off, so he replaces his arms with his axes. As the ship gets closer the players ask what type of ship, so i tell them its a Spanish Caravel, but being a few beers in i fuck up and say "Carnival" and the player immediately decide that the ship is a literal carnival that is full of children. So the players swing over to the ship and begin to slaughter children, in graphic detail. Then the shark leaps off our mast head first and kills the child capitan by landing on him and swallowing him in one bite. The players then lock all the remaining kids in the caravel's cargo hold and blow the ship up. The game ended a little while later after the player went ashore, found a lot of treasure, and got raped by dick wolves repeatedly. The night ended with pizza and more beer.
>Read all the stuff you posted
>Go back and re-examine the Canterbury Tales
>Realize I didn't give it enough credit.
This was an interesting read.
I still prefer more modern literature.
Long ass story coming in, brace yourselves
I will need some setup for this so here goes:
When I was in my country’s equivalent of junior high we had a pretty good party:
Me: DM/GM also played a bit of 40k tall as shit kinda skinny not very good with people.
Mustachebro: my cousin who was one year older than me, we went to same school and all that lived in tiny villages quite close to each other as kids. He always played chaotic good, mostly rouges or rangers and played a really fun overly religious Scum in our DH game he looked pretty regular, started losing his hair at 15 grew a magnificent mustache at 17 to compensate retreating hairline also a huge friggin nerd and surprisingly good at cross country skiing
Emobro: Mustachebros friend from his year was a bit too dressed like a emo played punk music with his older brother but only ever played one inssuferable special snowflake character he also played 40k as ravenguard he was so,ething of a prettyboy and the girls seemed to like him and he was a bit cooler than the rest of us for most our school time
ShyGirl: moved to one of the tiny ass vilages back in grade school 3rd or 4th year i think. she was really into pokemon and she had a foil charizard so we were best friends from the second day we met, never really got along with the girls though. She was short with dark hair alwasys cut in a long bob, always wore long sleeves, pretty sure she cut herself during highschool which was a pretty rough time for her
Anyway, on to games
We fumbeled through our first games of "Drakar och Demoner" and Dunegons and Dragons during junior high, good times good friends and all that. Shygirl was alwas a nice good character Mustachebro was always somewhat crazy and Emobro tried to be dramatic as fuck most the time but it worked out.
Gymnasiet (senior high equivalent i believe) came on for Mustachebro and Emobro was forced to move to a nearby city but Emobro moved to a different city while me and Shygirl stayed one more year in the town school and games were called of
Next year me and Mustachebro shared an apartment and Shygirl lived a short bike ride from us we played just the three of us but there was something missing in the dynamic. At the end of spring Shygirl asks if she could bring a girl from her class along when we started a new game in the autumn.
We were all in on it of course ,shygirl had always been a bit lonely and we were quite excited to meet one of her new friends, and one more player could spice things back up.
After two years Emobro had given up the education he started and came back as a first year in the same city as the rest of us studying restaurant planning to become a bartender and so it turned out that we had gone from 3 to 5 participants in our games.
The new person looked pretty much like your stereotypical lesbian. Acne all over her face, slouched, about as flat as a board, sometimes wore glasses sometimes contacts, hair always in a fauxhawk, had it blue for about a year and almost always wore cargo pants and a t-shirt. I will call her Fauxhawk (cont) (I wrote this down most of the way beforehand so I will dump them pretty quickly, Always wanted to share it. sorry for my English writing, i run it through spell-check at least)
Anyway we start playing DH everyone rolls three characters and chooses one of these with balance discussions and so on
MustacheBro plays Hiveworld scum chaotic good/ neutral always out for the team first but did not shy away from emeror inspiered heroics
Shygirl plays the kindest female arbitrator ever since ever
Emobro plays a forgeworld techpriest
Fauxhawk plays noble assasin male he was played as a bit of a smoothtalker and made dirty jokes and innuendo all the time.
The chraracters workd really well of eachother the Scum and arbitrator were good natured while the other two were more cold hearted scum and assassin were kind of crazy but the other two rained them In quite well most of the time.
Game goes on MustacheBro an Fauxhawk when going crazy off each other sometimes got a bit out of hand especially since Emobro was studying to become a bartender and me and Mustachebro had taken upp making mead in our appartment we had started drinking a bit during our games.
Anyway all of a sudden slaanesh happens and after a roll it turns out that the assassin become quite “sexually frustrated” this simply gave a few drawback I thought would hang on to until she(he) could get I sorted out at the local brothel, thus also costing some money as extra. Instead Fauxhawk looks at MustacheBro and goes “prepare your anus”
She manages to grapple his character and Mustache bro just screams “Where is the butter when you really need it!?!!” out loud in our apartment. They are both smiling from ear to ear and giggeling slightly tipsy as they are.
Shygirl looking down into the floor walks up to Fauxhawk and pretty much tows her out into the bathroom and locks the door. They are gone for quite a while.
Fauxhawk comes out first, totally straight faced and says no more rape or anything like that okay?
And looks me right in the eyes and says she is sorry she took it too far. I get the hint no more stuff that could be offensive in that way
its just the equivalent of senior high, the gymnasium in Greece stated out as physical training but expanded into School learning as well, therefore secondary education is called gymnasiet Yes this is kinda weird
ShyGirl comes back from the bathroom redeyed. we cut the game for the day.
This group goes on for a year until Emobro wants to bring in this girl who he had met at the local game store playing 40k (eyebrow wagging intensifies among the whole group)
The Girlfriend comes to the next session and she looks…. Normal. Like totally normal, kinda big tits, normal height, fashionable clothes, slightly bleached hair, she could have been any 18 yo Swedish girls . She has played both 40k and DH before with her brothers apperantly so we just throw her into the game.
She plays a guardswoman from a imperial planet. Standard stuff good RP
First game goes on fine she is a bit defensive around fauxhawk whos character is all chummy with Emobros Techpreiest but otherwise everything goes fine
Around our fourt game she gets a bit too much to drink and after being generally irritable for about an hour snaps at Fauxhawk (who was exchanging conspiratorial looks and notes with Emobro about drowning ten levels of a hive in order to hopefully kill of some genestealers, the rest of the party did not really aprove of this) “what do you even want with him anyway, fucking lesbo?” Fauxhawk goes straight faced gives her the fucking look and “what the hell is your problem we are playing a game here you spoiled little [horunge](means Whorechild)!” and we’re about to have a fucking catfight.
Shygirl, looking straight down into the table actually raises her voice and shouts “cant we all just play the game and have fun?” everybody goes quiet and looks at the tiny girl with way to much alcohol in her swaying at her chair almost crying. We all stop for the day.
After this everything gets calmer, The girlfriend only ever gets a bit short and only a handful of homophobic or physical insults are thrown at fauxhawk I about 5 months’ worth of weekly games everytime they start something either emobro calms his girlfriend or Shygirl just mumbles something and everybody calms down.
>Shygirl looking down into the floor walks up to Fauxhawk and pretty much tows her out into the bathroom and locks the door.
That's pretty depressing. Hard to pull a funny story out of that.
Shygirl sounds like she's got some issues man. No offense.
After our first game in January we decided to talk about the first hobbit movie since Shygirl had just seen it and all others in the party saw it on the opening week. There is a lot of drinking and snacks since Mustachebro made a shitaload of mudcake and we had quite a bit of homemade mead to go with the ususal snacks and the drinks that everybody usually brings.
Emobros girlfriend start getting short with Fauxhawk making flat jokes and the likes accusing fauxhawk of staring at her cleavage first in a joking way but when Fauxhawk says she was not looking the girlfriend start getting snappy “oh come on everybody knows” Fauxhawk responds with “just because teyre bigger than mine doesn’t mean the world revolves around em”
Girlfriend-“you are just a jealous little bitch that thinks she is someone and pretends that she doesn’t like dick because she cant get any without tits, are you sure you are even a girl?”
Fauxhawk gets up from her chair “you and me right now, I will fucking kill you” and she throws a half-empty glass at the girlfriend but due to being really fucking drunk almost hits Emobro instead.
Everybody is silent except Shygirl who is sobbing into her cuba libre and slowly looks up and says in a shaky voice “Why cant we just get along and have fun?”
The girlfriend answers the “fucking lebo is freaking me out!”
Shygirl says:” I wish she was a lesbian” tears running down her face as she stares into Emobros girlfriends eyes “because she is such a great fucking girl but if she was she probably wouldn’t be fucking mustchebro”
her motheer had a very bad boyfriend (the reason they moved) and she heard stuff, and when she grew older and understood what had really happened she became very sensitive about things like that and dysfunctional relationships in general made her very depressed
Everybody goes silent again. Fauxhawk and Mustachebro looks really red though she had been chugging back a lot of drinks this night but he has not had half as much .I look at mustache bro and he just starts to shovel mudcake and candy into his mouth with his hands. “So…” I go looking at Fauxhawk who is staring down into the table and fidgeting “…you fucked Mustachebro?” this girl blushing full red and drunk off her ass goes
“No…” Figets blushes even deper and mumbles ”we made love” TLnotes: (“we made love” is nowhere as awkward and dated as the Swedish expression “vi älskade” is)
And I fucking lost it , I laughed my ass off, mustachebro starts laughing at me and awkwardly deposits half chewed mudcake and candy all over the table setting off everybody else
And so to this day the most romantic thing I have ever seen is a young woman flat a s a board in a pair of beige cargopants and a black t-shirt with cheese doodle dust on it, face red as a beat covered in zits and acne scars and drunk off her ass proclaiming that she did not fuck my roommate she “made love to him”
And we almost totally missed one of our oldest friends coming out of the closet because previously mentinoed roommate spat fucking mudcake and candy all over his character sheet and most of the table.
We quit the game that night never picked it up again and at the end of that semester most of us went on to university fauxhawk and mustachebro are still together and as far as I know so are Emobro and his girlfriend Me and Shygirl are both still single, both of us ended up at Lule univestiet of us so we hunt the campus for pretty girl together at times, actually played my first game of DH here instead of just running it. Life is good.
She is pretty ok as long as she isint drunk though acording to him she got a lot of shit for being to much of a tomboy by the other girls as a kid and the fact that Fauxhawk kinda judged her for looking "normal" her feel put out, Also big tits and low necklines.
>Brother calls me up and says he's got an idea for a party that involves stealthing all the time and never getting ambushed.
>I say cool and roll up a halfing wild mage with the urchin background. Lots of dex and cha, perfect for a stealth party
>He rolls up a half-drow cleric of trickery who serves Mask
>Other friends play a drow ranger, human bard, and a Paladin of the ancients
>seems pretty sneaky so far
>what my brother actually meant though was that we were gonna be supreme badasses, killing anyone who gets in out way, super grimdark, etc...
>true definition of murder hoboes
>not what actually happened
>My halfing ends up being quite randy seeing as how he has a tendency to laugh at everything and enjoy his baser desires now that he is an adventurer rather than starving on the streets
>Anyway our adventure begins as all good adventures do, in a tavern
>We are approached by the Black fist to find a thief who has been stealing rare tomes from all over town
>My brother is acting super paranoid, thinking that people are onto us and following us, trying very hard to get us into the noir lifestyle
>meanwhile my halfing is carefree and happy-go-lucky
>his exploits include, but are not limited to: Throwing an illusory pie while shouting happy birthday after being found behind an illusory statue, hitting on the master scribe of the archives of Phlan even after she spilled ink all over herself, stealing far too many cakes from a lord of Phlan
>These kinds of happenings are slowly breaking the serious mood of the setting that the DM worked so hard to put together for the adventure
>Eventually we happen upon the thief at the scene of the crime after he murdered someone and the chase scene ensues!
>We chase him through the archives end up fighting a couple of spectres, follow him through a broken wall through the sewers of Phlan
>we sidestep some carrion crawlers and tarzan swing over a cesspool only to follow this guy through the swamp outside of Phlan for the whole rest of the day
>when we finally see him in the distance we can tell he is ragged and weary, but he has this massive black shape next to him
>we decided to split up and surround his camp, hopefully overwhelming him
>The Drow goes one way, bard and my Brother loop around behind his camp and the Paladin and I head onto a third side
>Did I mention halfing? I'm on top of the paladins shoulders the entire time.
>As we surround the camp the black shape becomes aware of us and unfurls into its true shape, a Black Dragon
>We all freeze, we didn't come here to tango with no dragon
>My brother had his illusory double out and has it start walking off yelling, "Hell no!"
>we try to parley with the thief and as ragged and weary as he is he is willing to surrender
>We WOULD go take him with ease if it wasn't for, you know, the giant dragon at his side
>A tense staredown ensues for a couple of rounds until I finally get fed up of the issue not being resolved and launch a flurry of magic missle via quickened spell
>Did I mention wild mage?
>I roll my d20's and land on a 1, "Welp, hope I don't self-cast fireball"
>looking through table...
>"A unicorn controlled by the DM appears in a space within 5 feet of you, then disappears 1 minute later"
>a unicorn, you mean those good-aligned defenders of the forest that attack evil things on sight?
>yeah that kind of unicorn
>Brother launches a guiding bolt hitting near max damage
>Bard runs by smacking his ass taunting the dragon with Vicious Mockery
>Paladin realizes that this chance will never come again
>It is his destiny to ride the unicorn and slay the dragon
>Paladin beseeches unicorn to ride it into battle
>unicorn agrees of course
>So the stage is set, Halfling is unnerved by the fact the he is now riding a paladin riding a unicorn into melee range with a acid spewing dragon who just so happens to go next
>Seeing as how it was just blasted by magical spells from all directions it decides that its best course of action is to unleash its breath weapon
>with a range of 15 feet
>acid spray fizzles out since we are safely outside its range
>The dragon beings to panic and tries to fly away, but treeline inhibits such an act
>the valiant charge begins
>Halfing clutches onto the paladin's helm for dear life while the unicorn charges and prepares to gore
>After the onslaught of spells and mockery the Dragon has a whole 3 hit points left.
>before the charge
>Dragon is now vivisected with the Paladins axe and unicorn horn combo
>and that's the tale of how wild magic saved the day
I've gotta say this murder hobo term offends me. Hobo's aren't just homeless people, they're migrant and they work, and by definition they couldn't be serial killers because if they don't follow the hobo code made at that railroad convention then they technically aren't hobos. Also I doubt most adventurers doing that shit are homeless. It just doesn't sit right with my autism, I suggest replacing it with murder bohemians.
Lemme put it this way, there are migrant workers, homeless people, and murder hoboes. All probably have the same class, but took a different subclass and play their characters completely different. We use this term "murder hobo" as a simple catch-all because we are stereotypical by default.
It's funny, because a lot of these things are what people would call gypsies just because they're shifty, but throughout history they also got hired as actual executioners by the locals.
While we're doing stories, a brief one on why you don't let a party hire 4 Hobgoblin Warlords as mercenaries to fight an ancient dragon with, and how letting them act on the same turn as your War Cleric who has taken nominal charge of them is an even worse idea.
>Dragon fumbles its initiative
>Warlock tries to Hold it
>Sorcerer successfully holds it
>Death Cleric gives it a Charisma contagion that gives it vulnerability to all damage, counteracting any resistances it had
>War Cleric and the Gobs unload on it
>Hobgoblin Warlords within 5 feet of an ally can add a whole bunch of D6 to their damage, in addition to having multiattack with a 2 handed longsword for d10
>War Cleric smacks twice with a warhammer for a few D8 damage
>Gobs have leadership giving them great to-hit
>Cleric has CD that gives him +10 to-hit
>Damage against a held monster auto-crits
>Something like 360 damage to the dragon in a single turn
>Druid knocked its last 4 hitpoints off
Not even legendary actions saved that thing man, it was brutal.
>on vacation in africa with friend
>get weird infection on my arm
>infection gets worse after a few days, no real hospitals anywhere close
>friend is in med school, patches me up with bandages and painkillers
>next night i wake up
>arm feels funny
>bandages came off, along with chunks of infected flesh
>giant, gray pieces of skin are falling off my arm
>fall off bed screaming
>land amongst rotted flesh
>friend runs into my room
>"what the fuck is going on?"
>crawling in my skin
>these wounds they will not heel
I'm more worried about the guy who apparently knifed niggas back in his MvC2 days
You can do some supernatural shit with extremely high skill checks, like for example animate ropes held in your hand on a dc 80, but that's pretty far beyond just getting a nat 20 at level 2 or 3.
Depends on how serious the game is and what the DM decides, I suppose.
Classic of /tg/
Anyone capped the story of the Tiefling Fiddler that beat the devil twice in a fiddling/singing/dancing battle which one was in front of half of the physical plane's inhabitants
Man I wish interesting shit happened in my games. The best we ever had was a yodelling bard in lederhosen. Guy did a fairly good yodel OOC too whenever he wanted to perform.
Not really much to tell about it other than that, we had a good laugh about the yodeling bard and his funny hat, and he provided a good enough distraction that we were able to loot a palace for everything that wasn't nailed down while the king and all the guards listened to him sing in word-perfect German about hens. But that was about it.
>At least kick own ass out of door!
I didn't think this story could still make me laugh, but then there was more!
I was actually a participant in it. If you search the thread ID on an archive, you'll find it was, for the most part, pretty reasonable and sane advice. He got put down pretty gently and came out better for it, seeing the errors of his waifu-y ways and how it could effect the game with his players.
So I posted this in another thread but saw this one and decided you guys might be in the mood for it. This is something that happened in one of my campaigns a while ago.
>Characters are investigating reports of a curse placed on a little town
>Characters go talk to a cursed woman the people have in isolation
>My random npc generations lead me to make her a very pretty young woman
>One of my PCs, the rogue, has extremely high diplomacy and his character is a real heartbreaker/ladykiller
>He says "I'm going to have sex with her"
>I remind him she's cursed but he doesn't care
>He rolls and is successful, manages to sleep with the cursed woman
>Suddenly, I have the greatest idea. His penis..... grows wings slowly
>The wings sprout over the course of the quest, and soon they are full fledged wings
>He doesn't get to control them, I do. On a special roll of 16 (penis check) his wings at any point in an encounter
>Fast forward two quests
>PCs are on end boss, a powerful demon is going to destroy the town and bring forth a demon horde
>Haven't rolled a 16 in a long time, characters have all mostly forgotten the penis wings
>Rogues turn, he sneaks up behind the demon
>Time for a penis check
>Suddenly, the rogue flies into the air
>I have him make checks to grab hold of things to stay down
>Fails to grab the rock
>Fails to grab tree branch
>Fails to grab highest branch
>He soars through the air, his penis wings taking him into the sky like an eagle
>Rogue makes a final choice, knowing his fate
>He cuts the wings
>Extremely painful, but I allow him one last grab for glory
>He uses his daily in mid-air, coming down like a bloody atom bomb of cock magic
>Rogue lands gloriously, gleaming blades and bloody penis cutting the demon straight in half (I'll let him get the kill)
>Here lies Barton, Penis Hawk of Westernwood