What are the greatest one-liners from the campaigns you've been in, /tg/?
>"If you share our money with those lunatics, I'll share these bullets with your torso"
>"Listen here, boy. If you run around stealing peoples' purses, one of these days you are going to get raped."
>"... Is that giant turtle shell hydroplaning across the water?"
Context: players fought a giant turtle while out at sea, turned the shell into a small boat after some reinforcements and treating the shell like a hull. One of the players did some math (as he is a physics nerd) and figured out that once it hit a certain speed (I think it was 30-40 mph) the design/shape of the shell meant it'd start to hydroplane and start skipping across the water.
So naturally that's what he did in-game, using several decanters of endless water set to jet blast mode as a sort of jet propulsion system.
>"There is but one thing that separates us from monsters: Compassion. If you haven't compassion, you may as well be a monster."
Said by the party's Dark Knight (yes, really) to the party's Dragoon, after hearing her bitch about them giving an enemy that tried to kill them earlier mercy.
"In all fairness, when I told the general 'You know not what horror you have called down on your head', I was referring to him being, you know, the evil general behind this whole thing. I swear, it had nothing to do with you flirting with him."
DM: You look around yourselves and see that you are surrounded by an uncountable numbers of notKobolds
>"They got us surrounded."
>"And they have us at least four to one..."
>"Poor little guys."
The party got brutally wracked after that, still, that was cool.
>"The difference between your king and mine is that mine might actually be able to find his ass, so long as we let him use both hands"
>"I don't suppose it'd be hard, given he has his head so far up his own ass he needs a glass bellybutton to see."
Party captured and put in a cell, jailer is gloating all evil like.
Sorcerer starts laughing, it gets louder and more hysterical as seconds go on.
>"What are you laughing at, boy!?"
>"This." Casts Blindness.
That was a good day for me. Got another good one.
>Half-Elf Sorcerer infiltrating drow prison, has already learned everything important.
>"Hey guys could you do me one favor?"
>"Yeah, sure, what?"
>"Could you all please DIE SLOWLY!?"
And the guy playing a female Twilight said this while we were visiting the Delzhan:
"The next time someone tries to court me I swear I'm going to strip naked turn to bronze and ram his head into my breasts until he dies"
Character was mechanically baseline human with a phobia of showing what he looked like under all the disguises. In game, he was a failed attempt to create naturally-invisible humans, part of a family of demon-worshippers, and the only one who thought 'what if I'm not turbohitler enough to get turned into a sickass demon when I die?'
The specific circumstance was a switch from slow infiltration to smash-and-grab in the Abyss. The parting shot was
Playan' Shadowrun. Due to shenanigans, a couple of street punks end up owning 10 square kilometers of fertile farmland in the middle of war-torn Nigeria. Given that 1) we were desperate for cash, 2) we had absolutely no way to turn the land into profit, and 3) we had no intention of going to Nigeria, we looked to sell it.
We meet a buyer, a super-slick executive from an A-rank corp. The party lacks a social-focused character, so the street samurai and the decker with about 6 dice in Negotiation between them go to meet the guy. The two are getting raked over the coals, and are about to get swindled out of tens of thousands of nuyen, - this exec's giving a spiel about how the land isn't as valuable as we were told, and he was practically doing us a favor by taking it off of our hands.
That's when suddenly our Native American shaman drops invisibility and astounds the exec, totally throwing him off his game. Taking advantage of being flabbergasted, the shaman burns a point of edge to get 4 hits on a negotiate test, launching into a speech about how hundreds of years ago, others came to the lands of his people and swindled them away with contracts and promises, and he wasn't going to let that happen again. The exec, still dumbstruck, asks, "Were you there the whole time?!" To which the shaman responds,
>"My people have always been here."
I nearly died laughing. I'm laughing now just typing this up.
>You bring the zeds we shoot you ded
-Sign posted outside a Trade Union outpost
>Some scrawny little wizard dude, complete with robes, hat, and glasses: "Yes, I was the one who killed the king, though not on purpose. You see I--"
>Pally splatters his face against the wall with a smiting punch to the face
>Rogue/Bard in the back: "WOO! Someone better read you a bedtime story, 'cause you just got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!"
Our enemy was not!Hitler and a wizard. Our paladin was flamboyantly gay and had a feat that let him interrupt spellcasting actions by... well, talking shit, essentially. Somewhere around the time of the last battle we thus got: "Prepare to be humiliated - for I'm camp enough to break your concentration!"
"I make monsters"
Asshole thief tricked party into doing a bunch of terrible things for "the greater good."
Said right before the paladin took vengeance and killed him, making him fall.
>The Inquisitor rattles off a long list of atrocities the party has committed after we're captured
"Do you have anything to say for yourself, heretics?"
"Yes, you forgot these..."
>Heretek rattles off another long list of atrocities committed by the party
"If you're going to accuse us of heresy at least get EVERYTHING you incompetent fool!"
I always particularly hate the lines like this. They all come out to the same thing and they don't say anything about the character speaking them except that he's an arrogant jerk. Sometimes rightfully so, but still.
In theory I think the best ones wouldn't require any context, but I can't think of any examples.
I picked vicious mockery as one of my spells. My DM forces me to come up with a zing everytime I cast it (and seeing as how it is literally the only spell I picked that does damage I use it a lot) and say it in my characters cajun accent. I gotta say, making an insult every time I want to hurt something is getting pretty hard.
>My False Man body double is escaping in a shuttle
>BBEG who thinks he's talking to me on the shuttle's vox, but is actually speaking to the real me, in a separate spire overlooking the landing pad he's standing on.
BBEG:"You know my ships control the void. You know I'll catch you!"
Me:"Of course. It's all part of my plan."
BBEG:"Who do you think you're fooling?
>Shuttle is torn to pieces by the guns of the warships in low orbit
>BBEG, assuming the vox link just died along with my double:"Huh. What's the plan now?"
>GM up to this now has been told the point of faking my death was to throw the BBEG off my trail, giving us time to figure out a way to deal with him.
Me:"Crash this plane"
>Remind GM of the fuel barge I have remote control of via servitor and have been using as one of the relays bouncing my signal to disguise it's source that has been circling in the background for the last 4 sessions doing nothing.
>Crash a fuel barge of promethium into the pad BBEG is standing on.
Me:"With no survivors"
The look on GM's face as it dawned on him what was happening was pure gold. That's the expression I like to imagine the BBEG was wearing just before he died.
Other PC calls me:"How does it look?"
me:"Yes... The fire rises."
GM:"I swear if one of you says Body Double 'didn't fly so good'
me:"C'mon. we've had our fun, lets keep things going."
me:"I'm sure they expect to find me in the wreckage"
GM:"Are you done or do you want to rename yourself Bane?
PC the Third, who has been quiet for the last 20 minutes:"It doesn't matter who we are. What matters is our plan."
Can't wait for the next session when I can continue my master plan.
"You decided on the night before a dangerous mission to get completely blasted in a tavern...on top of not being able to handle your liquor? By Pelor, you can heal broken bones, but you can't heal stupidity!"
Source is the IDW Dungeons & Dragons comic series colloquially referred to as 'Fell's Five'.
It is a treasure trove of excellent one-liners.
Villain: Humans are so fragile. I will enjoy eating you up and filling my hungry stomach. You're going to to feed me...
[Villain subsequently gets shot in the face by a cannon ball, and cleaved in twine by berserker while recovering from the shot]
Berserker: You said a human couldn't kill you, right?
Would you hate me even more if it told you I did it on purpose? Both IC to get back at my fellow players' character's jibes and OOC to make a statement to my GM after I utterly demolished his "DMPC"? (which wasn't really one)
You may have us outnumbered and outflanked, but I still have the moral high-ground. That counts for a lot these days.
The Moral High-ground is the name of our Lunar-class cruiser, which was anchored in geo-synch low-orbit
had easily the best "I am totally mudercrazy" line I have ever read.
>intentionally set off the alarm
>everyone rushes out to kick some ass
>as they turn the corner they see my character with two flaming arrows aimed at barrels rigged with explosives
"Hi guys, bye guys."
>I'm the captain now
Charged through two orks into the captain's quarters to pluck the small hat off of the void fairer
>Good riddance, and thanks for the Ork porn
To a man that they had found dead, (suicide) after stealing his collection of erotica
>Tastes like heresy
After consuming the mud and brain matter that was splattered on my codpiece from crushing a man's skull with my balls
Playing VtR, my Daeva Dragon's coterie had dealt with an owl of shadow, which had decided to dwell within a prominent Lord that we ended up killing.
After an intra-coterie beatdown by a Ventrue Lance, the Gangrel Lord was in a state of torpor. We kept him safe from harm as best we could. We couldn't, however, keep him away from the owl. He flew the coop and went rogue. My Dragon was not available at the time, so they called to tell him that the coterie's Lord was now possessed by an owl. His response?
>"God damnit, not another Instrixus."
The players had to stop to laugh for about three minutes.