Oh shit nigger, you're a Barbarian.
After raiding a random peasant village, you've been instructed to rest. What do you do?
You and your fellow barbarians haved raided this village, but somehow missed a warehouse, maybe there's some in there.
Enter the warehouse?
It is no match for your mighty barbarian strength
Ah yes, a door hidden under two empty crates.
What could this passage hold? A secret dungeon? A bonus boss? More food? Or maybe it's just an empty cellar
You're a barbarian, silly. You don't know how to do that.
Suddenly you hear a terrible roar from the darkness
You find the monster
This adventure has been brought to you by ColdGate Brutal, the number one toothpaste reccomended by barbarians. Keep your teeth clean, even when crushing your enemies and see them driven before you.
It accepts your challenge.
The monster throws a huge rock at you
You use the power of the king of hearts to annihilate the monster with the burning finger.
At this point you relaize this cellar is actually a secret rock storage
Hm, must have had an allergy.
Gotta go for a bit, be back in about 10-15 minutes
>Also, because it died to the cat you didn't get any EXP
"Very good, my child. Go forth, avenge us and claim fame and glory"
so said Great Grandpa Ghost
"It's pretty simple. You must avenge us my child, by destroying the ones who have driven us from our homeland of Barbaria, hence the name Barbarians. You must defeat the Empire! Here, have these Ghostly Handwraps, they shall grant you the ability to ghostpunch people"
Great Grandpa Ghost catches your fist.
"You see? These handwraps allow you to touch ghosts, by punching. THey can also make your fists like ghosts and let them phase through things"
And by pure coincidence, you bump into your Barbarian Commander
"Ah, greetings Conan, or was it Canon, I forgot. Why are you still awake?"
"But that's very far away! It could take you weeks!"
Oh No! Who's attacking you?! Is it:
A. Wild Beasts and Monsters
B. Rival Barbarian Tribe
C. The Empire
Oh no! The Empire has sent a squadron of soldiers to kill you! Along with some Traitorous Barbarians, who were disgraced and only allowed to wear half a skull on their heads. Oh and they got some beasts too.
"Good thing we had this Giant sheet of paper lying round"
"I knew this would come in handy"
"Luckily we also had it enchanted so rocks can't fly through it"
"Thank you based court wizard"
The enchantment on the paper is gone. The rocks rip through it and crush some soldiers.
"Why the crap were they even standing below them" asked one of the soldiers who didn't get squished
Suddenly, a traitor barbarian jumps up and destroys your treestump with one swing
The soldiers take the chance to rain arrows down onto your tribe. Major casualties were had.
"I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE INVESTED SOMEWHAT IN LONG-RANGE WEAPONRY"
"THOSE FUCKING MONGOLS KNEW WHAT'S UP"
Fueled by beserker rage, you and the surviving barbarians retaliate, killing soldiers, traitors and beasts alike to avenge your brothers
"And this is what you get for opposing The King"
then he slams your face into the ground
"Ah shut it, will you"
Then the Knight breaks your hands
Well, being a barbarian, you've never been into armors, guess they're actually useful for protection.
He's not The King, he's a Knight under the King
Once again, ColdGate Brutal™ would like to remind you that it's the number one toothpaste reccomended by barbarians. Perfect for keeping your teeth strong and clean while you crush your enemies and see them driven before you. And especially when you hear the lamentations of their women.
Sensing your intent, the Knight grabs your head to stop you from biting his arm off.
Now it's a battle of....will? strength? Either way there's gonna be some button mashing QTEs
You start mashing the Triangle button like the screen said...SUDDENLY IT SWITCHES TO THE CIRCLE BUTTON INSTEAD, OH SHIT
BUT THAT"S THE SQUARE BUTTON! YOU PRESS THAT AND YOU'LL FAIL THIS QTE!
You press both buttons, so you did both actions. And succeeded, kinda.
You're still biting his arm but has not made much progress.
You managed to kick his dick but it wasn't strong enough to go through his codpiece, now he has locked you leg in place with his legs
You try to roll. The knight is too heavy and he got you locked down tight.
Juuuust need to reach it with your free foot...almost there...