Oh shit nigger, you're a Barbarian.
After an Imperial raid on your tribe that left most of your brothers dead. You are now facing against a Knight from the Empire that lead the attack.
What do you do?
some barrels of wine, some crates of foodand some feverish babies
unless they disappeared when I wasn't watching
We might still have like 2-3 big rocks left because I only saw us throw a few
Well, among the survivors, there's your Commander, who's busy fighting off the Empire's beasts and soldiers by himself.
Maybe your fellow barbarian, Chad, also survived
"Fist fuel can't melt steel armor!"
"Shut up you madman"
"YOU CAN'T SILENCE ME ! I KNOW THERE'S A CONSPIRACY!"
"Oh jeez, just be quiet"
"THE KING STAGED IX/XI! HE NEEDED AN EXCUSE TO INVADE BARBARIA! READ BETWEEN THE LINES!"
while his hands are occupied punch him in the face
Sadly, being an barbarian, you don't know how to use dynamite.
It did nothing
THe knight throws the about to explode armor back at you
"Ah yes, the Tennis Boss battle"
"A staple of many video games"
"Hey, doesn't that armor look suspiciously about to explode quicker than expected to you?"
"Yes, like someone is sneakily heating it up"
He ignores the armor and charges straight at you instead. The armor explodes behind him, but he was out of the blast radius
Despite not touching the peel, you fall down anyway
The knight quickly grabs Chad and use him as a shield
The Knight grabs a nearby tree and smacks it against your Chad, deflecting the wet blows.
"So this guy's half-owl?"
"Yeah, the tribe was pretty grossed out when they heard from my dad"
And so you escaped. Sadly most of your brothers haved died.
You, Chad, The Commander and a handful of Barbarian children he managed to save are the only survivors of this massacre.
Chad survived the neck snapping due to being half-owl. The tribesmen never let him live it down. Now they're all dead so it kinda works out I guess.
"We need to get to the chief" said the commander
Sadly you are correct. The attack on your camp was part of a wholescale slaughter of barbarians. The King personally slew the chief himself.
You stoke your beard. The commander appears to talk to you.
"You did good, boy. That knight was one of the king's top 3 knights, and you managed to survive an encounter with him, that's at least something to be glad about"
Yes, that is the king holding the head of your former chief
"Ssshhh, don't let the other survivors know that. They may accuse me of nepotism when I vote you as the new chief later"
"Yes, I've known for years now, but don't let the others know that, they won't accept you as chief if they do"
"Well, since our camp burned down, we don't have much resources left. If we want to recruit mercs and adventurers we can either raid some caravans or somesuch to have more money, or use what we already have and head to the nearest adventurers' inn. Or we could train the barbarian children and let them carry out our quest for revenge instead."
And so you split up. You are given the remaining gold and instructions by your Dad Commander:
"Take this gold and hire some adventurers, it should be enough for about 2. After that do quests with them, become stronger and get more gold. So you can hire even more adventurers. After I make some money by raiding caravans I shall do the same. Chad will stay hidden in the forest to train the children. After we have amassed a proper army, I will send you the signal to attack the Empire"
"Ah! So you need a bard and a healer! Very good, how much are you willing to pay?" asked the innkeeper/guildmaster
"A , hehe, neccessary booking and paperwork fee, of course
And it's that time again! Choose what class you want to talk to
"Oh yeah, I was once a Gladiator in the Imperial Arena, was a champion too. But all those killing, just for other people's amusement was jsut too much, you know. I want to kill for my own amusement damnit. So I left and became an adventurer. Luckily the masters allowed me to keep my equipment....but not my winnings though"
Right here in this mystery box I have, too abd gladiator got first
YOu hired the gladiator. Since he's used to fight for low pay in the arena and is currently broke his price is pretty cheap. You'll be able to hire one more and maybe have some gold left for some new equipment.
Mystery Box effect activated.
Your second party member can be something else than a human. Just add a [Race] before choosing a class to talk to. Yes, even the Elf.
I need someone to hep me read. If you can do that you're hired.
"Hi, don't mind the horns, I assure you I'm not a demon"
"But I'm a g---"
"Hey, it's not a good idea to hit your potential prty members, do that again and you'll get kicked out, or even killed" said the gladiator
Just grab the Bard satyr, Lizard Wizard, Gladiator and the Thief for good measure and just run.
We Barbars, we don't conform to societal standards, spend the money on pillaging or something.
As you're about to put your plan into motion, you find 2 swords at your neck.
"I can sense when there's someone who's not going to pay, don't even try it" says the innkeeper
Stop dicking around and buy someone. Lizzie wizzie gets my vote
"No I don't, would a man with a nose as huge as this lie to you? In a completely unrelated note, I heard there's a new edition of Coldgate Brutal™ out, you should get it, it's an amazing brand of toothpaste. I use it all the time and it truly works! Perfect for that healthy clean white shine"
You bought a tub of toothpaste form the innkeeper/guildmaster/merchant.
You paid all your remaining gold for it
YOu used all of the toothpaste.
On one hand, the toothpaste is all gone and you only got one party member while losing all your gold.
On the other, your teeth has never been so healthy.
Unfortunately for you the man is attracted nothing but money. Which you currently have none.
And so you look onto the quest board to chose your first quest.
And so you head out to raid the bandits' hideout in the forest
"Hah! Robbing a robber? That's rich. Now hand over all your belongings and you won't get a knife to the face"
"THEN LET'S TEST THAT SHALL WE?!"
The bandit lunges straight at you! Or more precisely, your dick!
"Fine, fine! I'll join, ok?"
You got: level 1 Bandit Recruit (with no knife)
"Its a mask. Since I'm one of the new recruits they gave me an old tattered one"
"Ah, the thing is, we're the only bandit guild in this region. Our leader has been aggressively expanding our teritory and any opposing guild were promptly absorbed or destroyed"
"well, our base is right in the middle of the forest, just follow that sign there. It's the perfect disguise since everyone would think no bandit would be stupid enough to point out where they're hiding."
And so you head on, intending to perform some impossible feat of strength to win over the bandits.
On your way, another one blocks your path.
"Recruit, what is the meaning of this?"
"HELP ME SIR! I'M BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL!"
"Let me guess, you tried to fight him head on didn't you"
"You DEXfag recruits never learn"
He throws a knife at your eye while you were readying to pose.
What dirty fighting
You melted the knife.
Turns out it was a distraction, the bandit has disappeared